Crazyforhim Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 For those of you that aren't familiar with my story, I left my xH late last year and am moving on. Been in a 2 yr A with MM (both EA and PA) and would love to be with him exclusively. He told his W in December he wanted to leave, she got upset and needless to say he's still there. He has told me he wants to be with me, but I'm afraid he doesn't have the strength to get out. So today I am making a change. He and I talked and I basically told him if things stayed the way they were now, he would continue to have the best of both worlds. Everything he doesn't get from her emotionally and physically I provide, so there is basically no reason for him to make a move either way. So we are going to go NC beginning later this afternoon (will probably talk one more time today). I have asked him to go get his head straight and figure out what he truly wants to do with his life. So things for me will be really hard this weekend. I'm without the kids and they're expecting for us to have over a foot of snow, so I'm sure I'll be stuck inside dwelling on the whole situation. So any support you guys/gals can provide will be greatly appreciated. As someone said on Ellin's thread, NOTHING will change until I change it, so here goes. I want to fight 100% for him, but I'm at my wits end as to what else I can do. I am single now and ready to commit to him 100%, but until he gets there in his own mind, there's nothing else I feel I can do! Wish me luck.....
Fallen Angel Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 Good luck to you, regardless of how it all turns out. I wish you love and happiness and peace. ((hugs))
Author Crazyforhim Posted January 29, 2010 Author Posted January 29, 2010 Good luck to you, regardless of how it all turns out. I wish you love and happiness and peace. ((hugs)) Thanks for the well wishes. Hopefully through this process of letting him go, if it's meant to be, he will only come back when he's ready to fully commit. If not, I will at least be moving towards healing for myself. Went out today and have myself stocked up for the weekend. Food to cook, books to read, a couple of movies to watch and some wine to drink!
Confused4Now Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 if it's meant to be, he will only come back when he's ready to fully commit. If not, I will at least be moving towards healing for myself. Don't even think that!!! I did that and it doesn't work. Just think it's over and be done with it. Move on with your life.
whichwayisup Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 You can fight for him 100% all you want, but if he has no plans on leaving, there's nothing you can do. The final choice is HIS. Sorry to say this, but it really sounds like he just liked having an affair on the side. Sure he may love you, but not enough to divorce his wife and start a new life with you. Do NC with the intention of letting go and letting yourself grieve. Confused is right. If - When he divorces, THEN you can decide what you want to do. Casual date him or just be buddy's. Until that happens consider 'it' OVER so you can begin your grieving process, move on with your life. Focus on you, your kids, helping them through this adjustment period.
Fallen Angel Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 Hopefully through this process of letting him go, if it's meant to be, he will only come back when he's ready to fully commit. ! If not, I will at least be moving towards healing for myself.! I am concerned reading these two statements as they seem to be in direct conflict with each other. You can not do NC with any hope of it healing you, if you are just waiting for him to "come back when he's ready to fully commit." Are you doing NC to heal yourself, or to show him what he will be missing without you in his life. I am of the opinion that either one is valid, as long as you are honest with yourself about why you are doing NC. (but please note, that NC to teach him a lesson rarely works, as the OW will most often make first contact.. and the only thing he learns from it is that she can not walk away, thereby giving him even more power)
ladydesigner Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 Are you doing NC to heal yourself, or to show him what he will be missing without you in his life. I am of the opinion that either one is valid, as long as you are honest with yourself about why you are doing NC. (but please note, that NC to teach him a lesson rarely works, as the OW will most often make first contact.. and the only thing he learns from it is that she can not walk away, thereby giving him even more power) So very very true. I have been NC for 6 months and there is no way in hell that I would ever give the power back. NC was extremely hard in the beginning I kept second guessing myself whether I really wanted to do it. Athough 6 months out I am healing up nicely. The healing power that it has is what is best, but you have to get through the hard emotions first and the withdraw..then the pain lessons and you slowly get your life back. Of course I still think of XOM here and there but there are no more overwhelming emotions attached to the memories. Good luck crazyforhim. Be strong and I would start dating if you are up for it. Maybe someone else will sweep you off your feet and you won't have to wait for MM.
Author Crazyforhim Posted January 29, 2010 Author Posted January 29, 2010 If - When he divorces, THEN you can decide what you want to do. Casual date him or just be buddy's. Until that happens consider 'it' OVER so you can begin your grieving process, move on with your life. Focus on you, your kids, helping them through this adjustment period. Are you doing NC to heal yourself, or to show him what he will be missing without you in his life. I am of the opinion that either one is valid, as long as you are honest with yourself about why you are doing NC. (but please note, that NC to teach him a lesson rarely works, as the OW will most often make first contact.. and the only thing he learns from it is that she can not walk away, thereby giving him even more power) Thanks to all of you for your advice - it is good advice and well taken. In my heart I honestly think I am doing NC because I want to prepare my heart to move on. I know he loves me but I really don't have much hope that he'll ever leave, although he talks the talk every day. NC was my idea, obviously, because I am just tired of the emotional highs and lows and the empty hope I keep harboring in my heart. Hurting like this is not how I want to love my life. Right now, I just want to spend the next couple of months figuring out who I am and spending time with my kids. Do I want him to miss me and see what it's like to live without me? I'd be lying if I didn't want him to miss me terribly, but I am grounded enough to realize that even if he were to leave, it would take him a long time to go through the separation process and emotions of that loss and move on. Like WWIU says, I want divorce papers in hand before I would even consider starting a real "dating" relationship with him and even then I'd want to take it SLOW!! So I really want to move forward - not ready to date quite yet, but defiitely get out of this unhealthy relationship that I'm currently in!
Author Crazyforhim Posted January 29, 2010 Author Posted January 29, 2010 Are you doing NC to heal yourself, or to show him what he will be missing without you in his life. I am of the opinion that either one is valid, as long as you are honest with yourself about why you are doing NC. (but please note, that NC to teach him a lesson rarely works, as the OW will most often make first contact.. and the only thing he learns from it is that she can not walk away, thereby giving him even more power) So true FA, so true. My IC and I just discussed this in detail this past week. By me going NC and making a change, I am taking back the power of my feelings. If I sabatoge this whole thing by initiating contact again, it only lets him know that he has power over me and my feelings and he will know that I love him so much that I'll never walk away from the A.
fooled once Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 For those of you that aren't familiar with my story, I left my xH late last year and am moving on. Been in a 2 yr A with MM (both EA and PA) and would love to be with him exclusively. He told his W in December he wanted to leave, she got upset and needless to say he's still there. He has told me he wants to be with me, but I'm afraid he doesn't have the strength to get out. So today I am making a change. He and I talked and I basically told him if things stayed the way they were now, he would continue to have the best of both worlds. Everything he doesn't get from her emotionally and physically I provide, so there is basically no reason for him to make a move either way. So we are going to go NC beginning later this afternoon (will probably talk one more time today). I have asked him to go get his head straight and figure out what he truly wants to do with his life. So things for me will be really hard this weekend. I'm without the kids and they're expecting for us to have over a foot of snow, so I'm sure I'll be stuck inside dwelling on the whole situation. So any support you guys/gals can provide will be greatly appreciated. As someone said on Ellin's thread, NOTHING will change until I change it, so here goes. I want to fight 100% for him, but I'm at my wits end as to what else I can do. I am single now and ready to commit to him 100%, but until he gets there in his own mind, there's nothing else I feel I can do! Wish me luck..... I think you are making a very WISE decision. You are right, he has the best of both worlds right now. You both talked about leaving your spouses ~ and you did it and he chickened out. And he is enjoying the best of both worlds. You are going to hurt; hurt like you haven't ever hurt before. BUT, you will get through it. You survived before him, you will survive again after him. Are you 100% willing to stay NC even if he begs and pleads? I hope that answer is yes. Do it for YOU. Do it so you don't remain in affair limbo forever. Nothing worse than continuing to waste time, emotions and anxiety over someone who isn't as invested as you. Maybe he is, but he isn't willing to put actions into where his mouth is. He isn't willing/ready to walk the walk. Grieve, cry, be sad -- put away reminders of him, pictures, gifts, etc. Box them up and put them in a closet. Did I mention to cry and grieve? Do that and don't beat yourself up for being sad over the ending of something that has consumed you for years. ((((hug))))) Good luck
Author Crazyforhim Posted January 30, 2010 Author Posted January 30, 2010 Are you 100% willing to stay NC even if he begs and pleads? I hope that answer is yes. Do it for YOU. Do it so you don't remain in affair limbo forever. Nothing worse than continuing to waste time, emotions and anxiety over someone who isn't as invested as you. Maybe he is, but he isn't willing to put actions into where his mouth is. He isn't willing/ready to walk the walk. Grieve, cry, be sad -- put away reminders of him, pictures, gifts, etc. Box them up and put them in a closet. Did I mention to cry and grieve? Do that and don't beat yourself up for being sad over the ending of something that has consumed you for years. Thanks for your kind words. I hope I am strong enough to go 100% NC with him, but this early in the game it's hard to say. We've tried before and haven't been able to keep it up (both of us have been guilty of breaking it). I think deep down this time will be different for me because I'm single now, have put my words into action and he hasn't. We work together so I cannot block his access to me 100%, but we work in different offices so I do not have to actually see him. Tonight isn't too bad yet, but there are lots of things that still remind me of him. Just weird things, like this morning my daughter was watching the news for the snow forecast and came in my bedroom and said do you know how much snow they're calling for in (MM's town). She has no clue about us and he lives an hour and a half from me! Coincidental, yes, but still another slap in the face reminder of him! I'm watching a movie now to keep my mind off things, will probably have a good cry later and then will probably spend some time in prayer asking God to forgive me, help me through this process and help me draw closer to Him.
Author Crazyforhim Posted January 30, 2010 Author Posted January 30, 2010 Fooled, One other thing that I'm thankful to you for other than the great advice is your signature line... "We teach others how to treat us." I have really thought about it alot over the past few weeks and realize that I have no one to blame but myself for him having the best of both worlds because he can only have it that way if I ALLOW him too!
fooled once Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 Fooled, One other thing that I'm thankful to you for other than the great advice is your signature line... "We teach others how to treat us." I have really thought about it alot over the past few weeks and realize that I have no one to blame but myself for him having the best of both worlds because he can only have it that way if I ALLOW him too! That is exactly why I have it in there -- People can't walk on us if we don't allow it. People can't abuse us if we don't allow it. We hand over control to others by closing our eyes to what is in front of us. We teach others how to treat us. You/me as women should demand respect and not settle for less. We shouldn't be hidden, we shouldn't be forced to share if we don't want to and we should be able to shout from the rooftops that we are in love and who we are in love with. We teach others how to treat us. (((hug))) Hang in there.
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