Wife has no sex drive

[Tiny220]

Wow,

This topic is quite popular.

We have been married 12 years, have two beautiful daughters, and zero sex life.

 

Me, hard working, I always try to tell her she is beautiful, I tell her multiple times daily I love her. I had gained 60lbs at one point, but now have lost almost 100lbs. Gave her the option to quit work to raise our kids.

 

Her, A stay at home mom, who takes great care of our girls, works part time as a sub. She has gained considerable weight, how much? A lot. (I still find her attractive, and love her dearly) Her care for the house is lacking, but I can deal with that.

 

Us, we have no local support, ( her parents have passed,her siblings have moved out of state) (My mom and siblings are out of state, 8 hrs is the closest) Life is tough, but making it worse by ignoring the marriage is making it worse. We are simply cohabitating at this point, no show of affection at all, she won't hug or kiss me (as pointed out by our 10yo) and sex,, forget it. I have tried to romance her, I have tried gifts, I have tried everything. She won't go see a counselor, I am currently seeing a therapist on my own.

 

Sorry I have to stop here for now.

 

Is there any hope?

 

T

[giotto]

probably the weight is bothering her and she has lost a bit of self confidence/self respect? Also, staying at home to look after the kids can be exhausting/boring/repetitive and she has no outside support... she has no friends at all? I would say she's probably depressed... forget about your sex life at the moment... you problems are more serious than that. Can you talk to her about her general feelings, her life, her role as a mother/wife? Don't mention sex, though, at this stage... you need to get to the root of it...

[Tiny220]

She does have friends, she says the kids, the house, bills ect are to blame.

I point out everyone has these concerns, one of our friends has 5 kids, live on welfare, but still show their affection towards each other, (both are very overweight)

 

Another has two kids, hubby works, wife doesn't, and obviously have something going, they are expecting a third.

 

I know raising kids is tough, But I would trade my job for it if I could.

 

This is not a new problem, I have been dealing with it for 5 or more years. I just don't get why it seems to be a common thread that the wife is usually the one to cut the husband off from all shows of support. A friend of mine is now going through his second divorce, I don't know either of his wives, but he hasn't changed since I have known him, But I don't know his private life. I don't think I have changed much since we got married, I am still the same person I was when I was 240lbs, 311lbs or now 210lbs. Or when I was making half of what I am making now. I WANT this marriage to work, and am willing to do what I can to make it work,, but the isolation and rejection is getting to be too much to handle. I have had to deal with injuries that would be so much easier to cope with if I had support from my wife. But I can, and have dealt with that,, but the lack of emotional support is getting to be too much. The only thing that has changed that I have any control over is the lack of time to "date" my wife because of the girls. BUT I have arranged sitters for the girls, had "date nights" setup, only to have her cancel them at the last min.

 

T

[giotto]

She does have friends, she says the kids, the house, bills ect are to blame.

I point out everyone has these concerns, one of our friends has 5 kids, live on welfare, but still show their affection towards each other, (both are very overweight)

 

Another has two kids, hubby works, wife doesn't, and obviously have something going, they are expecting a third.

 

I know raising kids is tough, But I would trade my job for it if I could.

 

This is not a new problem, I have been dealing with it for 5 or more years. I just don't get why it seems to be a common thread that the wife is usually the one to cut the husband off from all shows of support. A friend of mine is now going through his second divorce, I don't know either of his wives, but he hasn't changed since I have known him, But I don't know his private life. I don't think I have changed much since we got married, I am still the same person I was when I was 240lbs, 311lbs or now 210lbs. Or when I was making half of what I am making now. I WANT this marriage to work, and am willing to do what I can to make it work,, but the isolation and rejection is getting to be too much to handle. I have had to deal with injuries that would be so much easier to cope with if I had support from my wife. But I can, and have dealt with that,, but the lack of emotional support is getting to be too much. The only thing that has changed that I have any control over is the lack of time to "date" my wife because of the girls. BUT I have arranged sitters for the girls, had "date nights" setup, only to have her cancel them at the last min.

 

T

 

 

sure, Tiny, we've all been there (myself included), but you haven't answered my questions... do you think she has a "body image" problem because of her weight or maybe she is depressed? Does she "hate" the family routine? It doesn't matter how many kids you have if you are not satisfied with your life...

[WalkInThePark]

probably the weight is bothering her and she has lost a bit of self confidence/self respect? Also, staying at home to look after the kids can be exhausting/boring/repetitive and she has no outside support... she has no friends at all? I would say she's probably depressed... forget about your sex life at the moment... you problems are more serious than that. Can you talk to her about her general feelings, her life, her role as a mother/wife? Don't mention sex, though, at this stage... you need to get to the root of it...

 

Well is the weight is bothering her why did she ever put in on? I mean, if you put on 5 kilos, that's something you see and feel so why not react immediately.

And staying at home? I would love to have the luxury to stay at home for half a year... For more than 20 years now I combine my household and working fulltime, which is stressful.

 

This wife is a grown-up woman, her husband should not help her to feel better, she should take responsibility for her own quality of life.

Can't help it but I find some of these SAHM spoilt brats. They have a husband who is prepared to work hard to sustain his family and give them the opportunity to stay at home. You would think that the least they can do is keep the house tidy and take good care of themselves.

[giotto]

Well is the weight is bothering her why did she ever put in on? I mean, if you put on 5 kilos, that's something you see and feel so why not react immediately.

And staying at home? I would love to have the luxury to stay at home for half a year... For more than 20 years now I combine my household and working fulltime, which is stressful.

 

This wife is a grown-up woman, her husband should not help her to feel better, she should take responsibility for her own quality of life.

Can't help it but I find some of these SAHM spoilt brats. They have a husband who is prepared to work hard to sustain his family and give them the opportunity to stay at home. You would think that the least they can do is keep the house tidy and take good care of themselves.

 

I can only reply to this by saying that you have a very simplistic view of life... staying at home looking after the kids is not as valuable as your husband working hard? She is looking after his kids as well...

 

Weight gain, if not medical, is often an indicator of a bigger problem... she will have to solve that before she can tackle the sex...

[Tiny220]

sure, Tiny, we've all been there (myself included), but you haven't answered my questions... do you think she has a "body image" problem because of her weight or maybe she is depressed?

 

I am sure that has something to do with it, a few years ago she went to a seminar about getting the "Lap Band" but never went through with it. (at the time I was 240lbs and not even considering it) I myself had a gastric bypass last year, as the up and down weightloss battle was getting old. I decided to take the drastic step of weight loss surgery (WLS). She has never commented on my weight loss, which kind of bothers me. (my WLS was more for her and the girls. I was never classified as "morbidly obese" but at 6'4" and 300+ lbs I felt I had to do something. I remember as a child how kids teased other kids about overweight parents) She has commented how she would like to lose weight, I pay for a gym membership for her, I have told her IF she wanted to have WLS I would back her 100%, but she says she doesn't want to go through surgery. I honestly love her for what she used to be, body image doesn't matter to me. Now if she had the personality she used to have,, and a "killer" body that MIGHT be the ultimate woman. In the past I had dated "trophy" girls, who usually left a lot to be desired in the personality dept. I have to admit,, WLS wasn't the most fun thing I have done in my life,, but worth it.

 

Depression???? I guess,, but she won't go to see anyone about it.

 

Myself,,, I have - had been diagnosed with PTSD after a guy committed suicide by jumping in front of my work truck in April 2008. I am still seeing a therapist for it, and my marriage problems. The therapist wants us to come in as a couple, but I can't get my wife to go. I have made the suggestion she pick someone for she, or us to go see,, but to no avail. I was told by a therapist (not my current) a few years ago I needed to leave,, but I can't put my daughters through that meat grinder,, I had to deal with that as a child when the man that calls himself my father walked out on his family when I was young. I am trapped between not wanting to hurt my girls,, and hurting myself. Honestly,, I know my oldest knows something "isn't right" but we are civilized around the girls, (no fighting, arguing, or anything like that) and I would rather suffer than making my girls suffer.

 

I just want things to be like they were 10 years ago,, plus the addition of two beautiful daughters.

 

T

[Tiny220]

Sorry hard to think and concentrate sometimes,,

 

Does she "hate" the family routine? I don't think so, she always has loved kids, she has a teaching degree, but chose daycare instead. Now she subs part time, and assists at the pre school that both of our girls attended. she works,, maybe 18-20hrs a week,, 9 at the preschool, plus if she gets called to sub.

 

T

[giotto]

ok, Tiny, picture is clearer and I forgot that she works, although part time. To me it's a big weight issue... the fact that she hasn't commented on your weight loss is a big red flag... it's commendable you like her for how she is and that image is not a big deal for you. But she is in denial... if she doesn't want surgery and she is not happy, what is she going to do? She needs to exercise and dieting and then she will feel better. Also, she really needs to go to counselling with you. Seems to me that you are stuck... I would be contemplating a divorce as well... Does she know how you feel about all this?

[Tiny220]

ok, Tiny, picture is clearer and I forgot that she works, although part time. To me it's a big weight issue... the fact that she hasn't commented on your weight loss is a big red flag... it's commendable you like her for how she is and that image is not a big deal for you. But she is in denial... if she doesn't want surgery and she is not happy, what is she going to do? She needs to exercise and dieting and then she will feel better. Also, she really needs to go to counselling with you. Seems to me that you are stuck... I would be contemplating a divorce as well... Does she know how you feel about all this?

 

Yes she does

[giotto]

Yes she does

 

and what has she to say about it? She must have given you some reasons?

[Tiny220]

and what has she to say about it? She must have given you some reasons?

 

This is the problem,,, when I try to discuss it,, (the marriage), she just climbs in her little shell and slams the door.

 

T

[giotto]

This is the problem,,, when I try to discuss it,, (the marriage), she just climbs in her little shell and slams the door.

 

T

 

I can see why you are contemplating divorce..

[HeyThere]

The weight is a major issue here. Her self image is damaged and seeing the new you are compounding that. The inaction on her part is related to her self worth. It doesn’t matter how much you tell her how much you love her, care about her…she doesn’t care about herself, probably for a number of reasons. If you do care about yourself and the relationship you need to step up and be ready to step out. This will show her that you care about your needs, which doesn’t even cross her mind because she is consumed with her downward spiral. It also sends the message that you need her to take her issues to heart.

[Enema]

I reckon if I ever got to the point where:

 

- Wife gained lots of weight

- NO interest in sex

- Won't discuss the issues

 

You'd be a fool not to proceed with a separation at the least - to hopefully snap her back to reality.

 

You only get one life - why waste it being unhappy?

[Pleco]

"If you can't talk to me about this tonight, I will bring you divorce papers tomorrow."

 

Tell her that, and follow through with it. If she doesn't respond, you know that she doesn't really care. If she does, then you may have found the only way to fix your marriage.

 

Whatever her problem is, it sounds like what she really needs is a giant kick in the @ss to wake her up.

[hoping2heal]

i agree with a lot of the posters here. I DO think she has a body image problem due to the weight gain; THAT is understandable. What is NOT understandable is downright refusing to acknowledge, or do ANYTHING about that or any other problem she may be having. You are in a marriage, you both gave vows and a marriage doesn't mean "ME ME ME ME ME ME" that is where your wife is at right now "ME ME ME ME ME -ville". You do only get one life and if someone decides to be that stubborn and that selfish that they would rather let life pass THEM by and sit back not giving a crap? YOU don't need to spend your life that way.

[Tiny220]

The girls, 9 and 6 throw a wrench into the whole leaving thing,, although I am giving it more thought.

 

T

[hoping2heal]

Yes I understand because of the children. They shouldn't grow up thinking this is how two married people should have a relationship. They shouldn't watch you be miserable and it WILL show and they WILL get what's going on.

[HeyThere]

Tiny,

 

I know this is a hard concept, but you don’t need to stop loving your wife while you separate from her. You’d be using the separation as a method to demonstrate how off course the marriage has drifted. Neither of you are happy nor fulfilled in the current environment and one of you (you) need to show the courage to move away from the ordinary.