I lost her to GIGS- but shes initating all contact

[jazzpur]

im 26, my ex is 22....we were together for 3 years and she ended it just after this past thanksgiving

 

our relationship... started friendly, than touchy feely, and than she chased me, i made her work for it, and finally fell for her after she asked me to be her boyfriend for the third time. Beautiful, smart, innocent...great qualities....but something about her reminded me of my sister which is why i was a bit reluctant at first. I eventually saw past that and fell in love with her.

 

She idolized me, she has always chased after me. I wasnt taking her for granted, but i definatly had the slight upper hand in the relationship

 

I spoiled the crap out of her....and always did extra special things for holidays and anniversaries (more than just a card and gift), that was more or less, my way of showing appreciation, rather than verbally.

 

My faults... being older, i started to become a moralizer during our relationship... trying to teach her how to get out of debt, learn to solve her own problems, do good in school, work more, etc etc. I know it wasnt the best quality to show but i wanted to be her protection because she never had a father figure in her life.

 

Last few months... Things were getting a little slower after we got back from a vacation in August, we werent having sex as much, started nit-picking eachother more, basically just more friction than usual...but nothing that couldnt have been worked out because in reality we were so compatible other than obvious differences due to age. It was just a transistional period in our relationship.

 

 

Her wake-up call... All of her friends came home from school over thanksgiving break, and she got the chance to go out and party for a few nights. I usually never accompanied her when she went the bars becasue i dont drink, but i trusted her and always let her do her thing eventhough i usually had things to say about it.

But that pre-thanksgiving night, she had "the time of her life" while out drinking...which also happened to be the night she met the GIGS guy.....a past friend from her highschool days.

 

The almost breakup... two days after her wake up call, she came over to hang out and acted really sad and confused. She started to cry and say "i dont want to do this anymore".

I replied, "what are you talking about? are you saying you want to break up?".

She said "no, i love you, youre my best friend, i cant lose you."

 

The break-up... the following week, she started to distance herself....she seemed like a totally different person to me.... and pointed out every fault i had...and finally the next weekend broke down crying after i questioned what had gotten into her after that night out with her friends. She told me that woke her up to reality, how much fun she could have, forget about her responsiblities. I tried my best to convince her its only a phase and it will get boring once you realize youll go out and see all the same people doing the same thing. (mistake)

she wanted to find out for herself, and she let me go.... we were both hugging and crying for a few hours.....very emotional for both of us.

 

I wrote her a letter... a week later agreeing with the breakup....about how we needed the time apart to find ourselves, but also stating how much id miss my best friend and all of the memories

 

Found out a week after that she had a GIGS guy... So i brought it up just to get closure and she told me this guy was there that night she went out, but i just took it like a man and accepted it.

Evnthough i was upset, i reliezed this guy was my opposite...and the fact is....he couldnt offer 10% of what i offered her...and he drinks, smokes, smokes weed....everything she told me she loved that i didnt do ... so i dusted off and figuring this guys isnt competition....went NC.

 

Christmas came... I wasnt really lonely until Christmas without her, she sent me an email about how she missed me and asked how i was feeling. I was stupid, broke NC, and i emailed her back saying i was sad without somebody special for christmas. We went out to get food and a broke down....and said something along the lines of "i know we need this, i dont mind that somebody else is kissing or touching you, but i dont want nobody else to hold you". But she told me that she was so happy now with the new guy (honeymoon phase happy)...however she did shed a few tears when i called her by her petname. i love yous exchanged.

 

BACK TO NC

 

.... i heard from a friend reading her facebook that the GIGS guy is giving her the casanova treatment and chasing after her (btw they are in a relationship, according to faceboook eventhough she was denying it to my face, and still has tons of pictures of me still up there)

 

i didnt ask for this progress report, a friend of mine stupidly blurted it out.

 

Week later... She called and left a voicemail...to wish me a happy new year and wanted chat. I didnt reply.

 

Three weeks after that...

I just got this email.....

 

"Heyy.. today i had my first day back at school.. tomorrow i start going back to the pottery studio.. i miss you a lot.. its so weird not talking to you .. im fine for the most part but if one little thing gets me upset then things start to build up in my head and i cant stop thinking about all of it .. how are you doing? peachy got a hair cut the other day ..and i was thinking about how we always laughed at her because she looked so silly.. my mom and i went to the that resturant last monday! it was really really good!! thank you again.. i hope i hear from you soon!!

 

it seems like shes starting to panic that im slipping away

 

I just cant tell if this is her GIGS honeymoon is starting to wear off and reality catching up...being nostalgic, saying "we"...and honestly missing me...

 

 

or her just wanting me to feed her ego...

 

 

.... should i just ignore this and stay NC without saying anything,

should i reply and tell her we should go our own ways and not talk anymore.

or should i wait a few days and just reply with indiffernet LC

 

It still hurts and i miss her, i think i want reconcilation, shes naive..and quite frankly i might be dumb enough to forgive her, but ill never know unless it really presents itself.

Edited January 29, 2010 by jazzpur

[counterman]

Sometimes we take whatever is given to us in the hopes that it makes things better and makes us feel a little better after a break-up. By sending an email, text, voicemail or whatever, she is trying to make herself feel better about it in the hopes that you will reply. Fact is, she is still with the guy, no matter how much she misses your or you miss her. Do you really want to know how she is doing with that other guy? Is it really worth being reminded of what you are missing?

 

Just stick with NC. It is hard but it allows you to grieve and move on.

[jazzpur]

its hard only because i know shes having doubts....

 

shes on both myspace and facebook....

 

im only on myspace...her myspace says shes single and she still has pictures and videos of us toghether.

 

last progress report i got from a friend..which i didnt want...was that shes in a relationship on facebook. with this new guy, eventhough she still has tons of pictures of me up there.

 

i honestly think she was chasing the honeymoon stage because she didnt know any better, and maybe having doubts now because she never fell out of attachment to me.

[counterman]

If she has doubts, let her sort it all out herself and don't do anything to feed her ego or help her in any way. It could most probably be that she's making herself feel better by contacting you and if she knows that you'll always reply to her, then she'll think "hey, this guy will always be there for me", so you end up as a resort for her temporary needs and possibly a last resort as a person to have a relationship. It is up to her to consider whether she wants to end her current relationship and get back together with you. Even then, she might still have doubts. It does seem as though she is not over you by having pictures and videos of you, but she is with someone else.

 

I recommend you don't contact her. If she wants to get back together with you, she'll meet you in person, tell you she wants to and apologise for her part in the break-up and what lead to it. If that happens, she still might not be 100% with you. By contacting her, you are boosting her ego and offering her comfort whilst she's with another guy. If she misses you, let her miss you. You focus on yourself.

[OndaChin]

If she has doubts, let her sort it all out herself and don't do anything to feed her ego or help her in any way. It could most probably be that she's making herself feel better by contacting you and if she knows that you'll always reply to her, then she'll think "hey, this guy will always be there for me", so you end up as a resort for her temporary needs and possibly a last resort as a person to have a relationship. It is up to her to consider whether she wants to end her current relationship and get back together with you. Even then, she might still have doubts. It does seem as though she is not over you by having pictures and videos of you, but she is with someone else.

 

I recommend you don't contact her. If she wants to get back together with you, she'll meet you in person, tell you she wants to and apologise for her part in the break-up and what lead to it. If that happens, she still might not be 100% with you. By contacting her, you are boosting her ego and offering her comfort whilst she's with another guy. If she misses you, let her miss you. You focus on yourself.

 

I concur with this post!!

 

And believe it: She's going to vasillate (swing) between missing you and not! (Hormonal Perphaps) It is definitely an EGO STROKE for her.

 

Problem is- are her feelings for you really there Or just temporary bouts of insecurity from the current lover??

[dietpepsi]

What is a GIGS guy?

[DustySaltus]

How is showing someone how to get out of debt and learning to solve their own problems a fault on your end?

 

IT'S NOT.

 

If there ever was an example wherer NC should be implemented it is in this situation. Don't look at her myspace of facebook pages, DELETE THEM! NC means no communication or looking at any aspects of their lives at all.

 

I've been where you are and the way you need to deal with this is to FALL OFF the face of the earth. She's at a certain phase in her life right now where she wants to go out and party. Even if she breaks up with this guy it doesn't mean she wouldn't continue to do what she's doing. At this point, you need to worry about yourself. It's always tough during the holidays but you have to go through the storm before you reach the shore.

 

I think you're a good dude and will find someone out there that appreciates you for who you are. Understand a few things:

 

1. At some point she will realize she made a mistake. She hasn't had her wake-up call yet. With my ex it was 2 1/2 years, but at that point I didn't ever see myself getting back with her. We continue to grow as well. Trust me i'm 28 and I am eons away from what I was like even at 25.

 

2. She feels guilty about the breakup and wants to try and feed you breadcrumbs to keep you as a backup plan. Regardless, you cannot wait around for her and need to move forward with your life.

 

3. You did nothing wrong. Don't beat yourself up. You say that she didn't have a father figure in her life and you provided her with a solid base to move forward. And what does she do? She goes out and parties....that's not apprecation, it's immature and selfish.

 

It's time for you to be selfish and cut off all communication and get back to being happy with yourself. Good luck.

[DiscoChick]

What is a GIGS guy?

 

 

I was wondering the same thing!! I couldn't even think of a good response to the OP for the fact that that question is floating around in the front of my mind.

 

Stick to no contact.

[jazzpur]

the whole issue with me being the moralizer is i think it pushed her to rebel. i dont feel i really did wrong, i just pointed out all the the mistakes she was making as a growing adult. but she was always spoiled by her mother....having all her bills paid for...even now at 22.

 

- id tell her things like "4 hours a week is no excuss for a job"

-"stop crying that you barely get paid, maybe just find a new job"

-"youre only taking 3 classes at school and not working, i really believe you can do a little better"

 

so verbally, i guess she felt i didnt appreciate her eventhough...i tryed to push her out of lazy behavior

 

i spoiled the crap out of her, took her on vacations, every weekend out to dinner, clothes, expensive gifts...that was my way of appreciation.

 

this new guy moves is and says stuff like

-"shes the smartest girl ever, coundlnt ask for any more"

-"shes perfect, does everything right"

 

i can see how shes falling for that but i really think itll soon come to light that its not really sincere, its honeymoon crap.

 

afterall, she chased after me for a reason. i was everything she looked for... now shes looking at the opposite of me.

[ms.ac]

I totally understand you, i was with my ex for about 5 yrs.. and he did the same thing.. he was dating someone from his work.. so much worse than me its not even funny. we are close in age so that wasn't a problem. Unlike your ex, my ex threw it in my face that he picked her over me and made me feel horrible about it, telling me all the stuff he bought her he would never buy me and how they were going on vacation and did all kinds of stuff together, now two months later and he calls me to see how im doing, i didnt answer and at first i was fine, i laughed because after how mean he was to me he was teh one calling me, it felt really good at first... but now.. now im feeling horrible, im so down and i miss him all over again, and i hate him for calling, i dont konw what im going to do if he calls again, i feel you on this so much.. you cant stop yourself from still loving and caring and its so hard to make your mind and heart sync... i am soo mad at him for what he did to me, i could never forget, and him calling has probably done what he wanted, he probably wanted to make sure im still emotionally attached, thinking about him, but i wont let him know that i am... i wont feed his ego, i wont let him win again, and you shouldnt either, i hope he is regretting what he did, i hope he realizes he cant walk all over me anymore, he thought he was in control, but i control myself and i never want to feel that way again... its just really hard.. hang in there.. your not alone:)

[jazzpur]

gigs= grass is greener syndrome

 

a partner chooses to leave bf/gf for another person thinking itll be the better choice.... usually just blinded by the spark of something "new"

[dietpepsi]

gigs= grass is greener syndrome

 

a partner chooses to leave bf/gf for another person thinking itll be the better choice.... usually just blinded by the spark of something "new"

 

 

Ahh ok I had never heard it abbreviated like that before, thanks

[DustySaltus]

afterall, she chased after me for a reason. i was everything she looked for... now shes looking at the opposite of me.

 

It's easy for any guy to do. She says she was hurt by X, Y and Z, so you just do the opposite. The honeymoon/rebound phase is over once she realizes that REALLY isn't what he IS.

[Art_Critic]

The honeymoon/rebound phase is over once she realizes that REALLY isn't what he IS.

 

but that doesn't mean that she goes running back to the OP when she passes thru the honeymoon phase of her new relationship..

 

Remember.. in the OP's relationship the honeymoon phase was also over and she decided she didn't want that relationship and moved on to someone else..

 

That is called dating...

 

Dating is trying to find out what you want and what you don't want out of a relationship and another person.

 

It doesn't seem to me that she left got GIGS..

She left because she no longer wanted the relationship.. the younger the person the quicker that can happen and it happens over and over until they figure out what they want or don't want..

 

Jazzpur.. start giving her a dose of stiff NC and go about your life...

[OndaChin]

Please Be strong- Ms. Ac.

 

I feel your pain.

 

Just believe in yourself and know that you choose your happiness (no one else does).

[jazzpur]

but that doesn't mean that she goes running back to the OP when she passes thru the honeymoon phase of her new relationship..

 

Remember.. in the OP's relationship the honeymoon phase was also over and she decided she didn't want that relationship and moved on to someone else..

 

That is called dating...

 

Dating is trying to find out what you want and what you don't want out of a relationship and another person.

 

It doesn't seem to me that she left got GIGS..

She left because she no longer wanted the relationship.. the younger the person the quicker that can happen and it happens over and over until they figure out what they want or don't want..

 

Jazzpur.. start giving her a dose of stiff NC and go about your life...

 

 

Well heres why the sitiuation is GIGS im my eyes.....two months prior to our breakup she wrote me a letter saying i was the best bf in the world, so lucky to have me, and she learns so much from me and one day hopes to be as smart as me. "We have such a strong connection... emotionally, sexually, and intellectually and i love it" " i love you this much"

 

I know weve had agruments since then but its always been the same small things we always have argued about....

 

Seriously, i know her well enough, she was always the same person loving me deeply....up until that one night....it was GIGS

[sunrae]

- id tell her things like "4 hours a week is no excuss for a job"

-"stop crying that you barely get paid, maybe just find a new job"

-"youre only taking 3 classes at school and not working, i really believe you can do a little better"

 

so verbally, i guess she felt i didnt appreciate her eventhough...i tryed to push her out of lazy behavior

 

i spoiled the crap out of her, took her on vacations, every weekend out to dinner, clothes, expensive gifts...that was my way of appreciation.

 

.

 

 

Sounds like you were being more oa a father to her than a boyfriend.

She's 22 not 45...

At 22 is was working part time, going out with my friends and taking a few classes at a local community college... Not I own my own buisness with 5 different locations... Most everyone I know, needed that time to play and try out life for a bit, then they settled down, have good careers and families.

[jazzpur]

Sounds like you were being more oa a father to her than a boyfriend.

She's 22 not 45...

At 22 is was working part time, going out with my friends and taking a few classes at a local community college... Not I own my own buisness with 5 different locations... Most everyone I know, needed that time to play and try out life for a bit, then they settled down, have good careers and families.

 

 

i wasnt acting this way for no reason... i convinced her to get a credit card and learn how money works the first year of our relationship...a couple months later she was a over $1000 in debt and wanted me to cover for her mistakes. i felt guilty, as if it were my mistake for convincing her to get a card, i wanted her to learn for herself...so i pushed her.

 

it wasnt meaningless ramble....

 

she still stayed for two more years, its not like this was the real reason...... her mentioning all this crap was just picking for straws

[Art_Critic]

- id tell her things like "4 hours a week is no excuss for a job"

-"stop crying that you barely get paid, maybe just find a new job"

-"youre only taking 3 classes at school and not working, i really believe you can do a little better"

 

so verbally, i guess she felt i didnt appreciate her eventhough...i tryed to push her out of lazy behavior

 

Honestly Dude.. if I spoke to my wife I the way you spoke to your GF and use the tone that they most likely were delivered then I wouldn't be married any longer..

She would dump my ass...

 

You have to be supportive of someone not demeaning to them..

 

I know you think she left you for GIGS but honestly she sounds like she left because you really weren't very nice..

 

Going on vacations isn't enough to keep someone, you have to respect them and show them that respect daily.

 

The guy she flocked to is telling her what she needs to hear.. what most people would tell her and there is nothing wrong with him telling her those things..

 

A BF isn't supposed to be her Dad.. you are supposed to be her friend..comfort her when she isn't having a good day and be supportive when she gets down in the dumps.

 

Sounds to me like you just need to find someone more compatible for you.. the things you did wrong in the relationship are not horrible things.. but you do need to take note of them and try not to repeat them in your next relationship.

Edited January 29, 2010 by Art_Critic
spelling

[Left in a Lurch]

gigs= grass is greener syndrome

 

a partner chooses to leave bf/gf for another person thinking itll be the better choice.... usually just blinded by the spark of something "new"

 

I think these acronyms are getting way over done on here.

 

SIIGOTWMCTTT

(Sorry if I got off topic with my comment to this thread).

[jazzpur]

Honestly Dude.. if I spoke to my wife I the way you spoke to your GF and use the tone that they most likely were delivered then I wouldn't be married any longer..

She would dump my ass...

 

You have to be supportive of someone not demeaning to them..

 

I know you think she left you for GIGS but honestly she sounds like she left because you really weren't very nice..

 

Going on vacations isn't enough to keep someone, you have to respect them and show them that respect daily.

 

The guy she flocked to is telling her what she needs to hear.. what most people would tell her and there is nothing wrong with him telling her those things..

 

A BF isn't supposed to be her Dad.. you are supposed to be her friend..comfort her when she isn't having a good day and be supportive when she gets down in the dumps.

 

Sounds to me like you just need to find someone more compatible for you.. the things you did wrong in the relationship are not horrible things.. but you do need to take note of them and try not to repeat them in your next relationship.

 

i definantly see what youre saying... but this talk from me was 1% of our conversation. trust me, we were the best of friends in every way, enjoyed all of the same things.... the whole money and school issue was the only thing we ever argued over and never saw eye to eye with. I still told her she was bueatiful and quite often did things to make her melt. im not a tyrant....i was only bringing those statments up because she used that as one of her excuses to cover up what really happened....a new spark

 

so certainly, i probably need somebody a little more compatible... but its hard because after she left i realized that i loved her more than i thought

 

anyway back to the original question....opinions from others as to whether i should stay cold NC?? eventhough shes being nostalgic

[silic0ntoad]

BTW- she isn't at all confused, bro. She is with the other dude. How is she confused? She is speaking to you in a lame attempt to mask her guilt.

 

**** her man. As much as it hurts, get angry, and let her go. She is worthless to you now.

[sunrae]

 

she still stayed for two more years, its not like this was the real reason...... her mentioning all this crap was just picking for straws

 

 

I guess all these straws finally broke the camels back....

 

I hope you understand I wasnt trying to pick at you or bring you down, I was just stating possiably what I saw a something that might have helped cause the situation of where you are at today,

[jazzpur]

while i agree the straws certainly are a flaw.... no relationship is perfect, weve both made a share of mistakes, we were still attached

 

im fairly certain it wasnt until the last week of the relationship that she was actually "checking out"....the <3s, the cuddling, kissing it was still there until then. especially after she wrote such a strong love letter only 2 months prior. everyone states that girls check out way ahead of time, thats why its easier for them.... i truely feel this wasnt the case in my scenario.

 

she called me crying 3 days in row after our breakup just to "hear my voice" and has ever since then has initiated contact every time.

 

im willing to let go, maybe her clinging and mentioning the past is just giving me false hope...

 

ive yet to break nc and reply....im 90% sure ill just ignore her message

 

im glad i have so many people here to chime in

[Limbo21]

Lol @ chat room hero!!!

 

Read your story, this is as simple as they come

 

It's no contact dude ... No matter how much it hurts.

And if you really want her back then it's nc. I got my

sqeeze back that way .... Then lost her again lol