Minnie09 Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 Separating is tough if there are still feelings involved, but if it doesn't work out, despite MC, despite the passion, despite the desire to make it work for the kids, then we have to consider a divorce. But seriously, how do people actually do it in a stage of their lives where they are emotionally drained and weak? How can they be strong and try to face life and show their kids a happy face? How can they move on? How can they move out? How can they let go? Being a stay-at-home-mom who gave up her income to raise a toddler, no job, no place to go.....how do you do that? I sometimes wish I had an affair in order to have somebody "pick me up". I know I shouldn't say that, but I feel weak. Anyway, I just want to know where women who feel that their M has reached a dead end get their strength to decide, actively, that it's time to leave. Find a place to live, get an apartment furnished, get a job, put child in daycare and just be brave. That is so stressful. And I am dreading it.
floridapad Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 Minnie, I know you were being a bit sarcastic about the affair thing. It only picks you up in the moment and like a hangover it drops you like a rock. Please don't look elsewhere or to someone else for sanctuary. It is only temporary until that someone/something else fails and then your left with your self again. You can pick yourself up because you must. I know it sucks to hear but it truly is that simple.
Author Minnie09 Posted January 29, 2010 Author Posted January 29, 2010 Minnie, I know you were being a bit sarcastic about the affair thing. It only picks you up in the moment and like a hangover it drops you like a rock. Please don't look elsewhere or to someone else for sanctuary. It is only temporary until that someone/something else fails and then your left with your self again. . It's okay if it's only temporary, but it helps to get OVER the past. It doesn't have to last. Just a distraction. However, I am not the person to fall in love easily, and if I do, I am usually committed. So that's not a remedy for me anyway. May I add that I am 40, not the ideal age to start over, not the best age to start a new career and not the best age for dating, either. I hate the thought of dating or being considered a cougar. How do women in my age group date? I can't imagine going out every weekend because it's just not me, plus I have a child to take care of. It just all seems so complicated. Sorry if I sound whiny.
You Go Girl Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 Baby steps, Minnie. If you make a mountain out of the list of things you have to do to change your life--whether about a problem M or anything else-- then it becomes too big to tackle, and you are defeated before you even begin. Just one little change at a time--make lists, give yourself plenty of time to do the things on the list, if you fail to do anything on the list one day--forgive yourself--start over tomorrow. Keep forgiving yourself if you need to. The point is to not let the whole thing become so huge you are paralyzed to do anything on the list. I'm a professional procrastinator, I know. It comes from avoiding distasteful tasks, thinking I can do something more quickly than possible, and fear of even trying to accomplish the task. But each thing you do to better your life will give you more confidence to do the next thing.
skywriter Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 Minnie, For myself, it was going into what I called, "survival mode". A case of you do what you have to. My H left me, he left me the kids, the mortgage and everything accumulated with a 17 yr marriage. Oh ...and about the A, you mentioned, maybe having. I did that too,(after being alone for 5 yrs), & had the same nonchalant attitude about it. Single most selfish thing I have ever done and regret it. Goes against every moral thing I've ever believed in. The MM and I ended up getting closer than either intended. We both struggle everyday to keep out of contact and move on. If you are a person that doesn't believe in "using" someone, and disgarding them, it'll complicate your life, like nothing you've ever known. You think divorce is emotional.....? No need to put yourself through yet another complicated situation.
ann09 Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 When you feel like each and every day you stay that you are slowly dying, that's when you know the alternative can't be as bad.
BearMox Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 Its not easy. Everybody becomes poorer at the end of every divorce. Keep in mind that most courts believe that you have worked full time to raise the kids and will probably award you an alimony around 40% your husbands income (if forced to make that choice for him). Find a friend or family member to help you get on your feet and provide a room or something.
2.50 a gallon Posted February 6, 2010 Posted February 6, 2010 (edited) Minnie Age 40 you are still a youngster. I was 38 when I walked into a university library and found out that I was meant to do historical research. At the time I didn't even have a library card. That was almost a quarter of a century ago. I was almost 50 when I met my present GF, and she was a couple of years older than you. Both of us had given up on ever finding that special someone. That was 14 years ago, and we are very much in love Think positive, you still have a lot of living and loving to do. Expect the unexpected when you least expect it. Edited February 6, 2010 by 2.50 a gallon word missing
Author Minnie09 Posted February 6, 2010 Author Posted February 6, 2010 When you feel like each and every day you stay that you are slowly dying, that's when you know the alternative can't be as bad. you are most likely very right. It's just such a scary thought, though. Jumping out of one ordeal into the next, just because the ordeal I am jumping into might be smaller than the current one. What's so positive about it to take the hassle and give up security for an uncertain future? To take the father away from my son, just because he treats me poorly? He doesn't treat our son poorly....... Just a thought. I can't just leave and move in with a relative or friend, because there aren't any around. I grew up at the west coast and haven't lived in DC long enough to establish bonds with other people. I'm not going to pack up and go back yet. I want to make it on my own, and if I leave my M, I want my son to have his father close by. He treats me like ****, but he adores his boy.
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