silverfish Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 I was going to the gym this morning with 2 friends when I guy I vaguely know smiled at me and said hello. I smiled back because it was one of those 'where do I know you from' moments, but I didnt say anything... One friend says to the other one 'hey that man just came on to you', and they both started giggling (they are both married). Then when i said 'no he was speaking to me I know him from xxxxx' They look at me like I'm crazy for a second, then they got a bit ****ty with me. Next thing they are talking about some party we are all going to and setting me up with some guy who I dont like - he's a lot older, not my type at all, just divorced after he cheated on his wife (what a catch - thanks guys!) ...we are all in our late 30s and i feel like I'm back at school. I'm not interested in dating at all at the moment as I've just split up with someone...what is their motivation here? They've been good friends til now but they made me feel like crap today urgh
Author silverfish Posted January 29, 2010 Author Posted January 29, 2010 Is this just a fun little rant? and a question about what heir motivation might be...I'm not likely to steal their husbands so its not likely jealousy. Why would they cop an attitude with me now I'm single when they've been lovely up to now?
BG1985 Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 They're jealous that you're single and have options, while they are stuck with their husbands.
Chicago_Guy Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 Your friends might be jealous. Since when is merely smiling and saying hello to a someone considered to be a "come on"?
SoulSearch_CO Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 They're jealous that you're single and have options, while they are stuck with their husbands. HAHAHA - that's what I was thinking. They'd feel safer in their cocoons of mediocrity if you were hitched.
A_guy Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 They're jealous that you're single and have options, while they are stuck with their husbands. Haha, that rings kind of true.
Satisfaction Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 You are single = you are a threat. that is such a pain. I hate visiting friends in couples precisely for this reason.
Simon Attwood Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 that is such a pain. I hate visiting friends in couples precisely for this reason. Yes, and it highlights how, beneath the veneer, how deeply primitive and animal we truly are.
Author silverfish Posted January 29, 2010 Author Posted January 29, 2010 that is such a pain. I hate visiting friends in couples precisely for this reason. Yep me too, they can be quite patronising sometimes. I've only been single for about 3 weeks, after a year long relationship, and before that I was with my ex for 15 years, so I really don't want to be 'set up' with anyone either. I have no problem being single for a good while now. Their behaviour implied that I need help with finding someone when I really don't...I can do my own dirty work! The thing that really got to me was that they both assumed that this man was smiling at one of them and not me...when it was me, because we know eachother from work. It made me feel like they don't see me as attractive or worthy of attention. That along with the suggestion about the other man at the party made me think that they obviously see themselves as 'better' or more attractive than me. I've never really thought about it til now, but they've done it before as well...its not nice!
Satisfaction Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 The thing that really got to me was that they both assumed that this man was smiling at one of them and not me...when it was me, because we know each other from work. It made me feel like they don't see me as attractive or worthy of attention. That along with the suggestion about the other man at the party made me think that they obviously see themselves as 'better' or more attractive than me. I've never really thought about it til now, but they've done it before as well...its not nice! Wow. Those seem like a nasty set of people. Can you ditch them? Such a horrible thing to do to someone. When you think back, have they always been like that?
counterman Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 I wouldn't want to be set up with someone when I don't have any trouble meeting others myself. I mean, I am happy with the way things are going now and don't really want anyone currently because I am not completely healed. Your friends were just jealous and trying to put you down indirectly. It is not a nice thing to do, but you're better than that. It does remind me of high school how they giggled with each other when that guy smiled and said hello to you. Imagine what it would be like if you had a lot of attention from guys all at once when they're around.
Author silverfish Posted January 29, 2010 Author Posted January 29, 2010 Wow. Those seem like a nasty set of people. Can you ditch them? Such a horrible thing to do to someone. When you think back, have they always been like that? Well they've always seemed more interested in my love life and talking about it / advising me, than I am myself at times. They tried to push me on some friend of their husbands last time we went out, even though he was an idiot. I am quiet and like to keep myself to myself most of the time, but I am not shy/unassertive/lacking in confidence...maybe they just don't 'get' me. I told one of them a few weeks ago that I had no interest in being 'set up' with anyone. I've never had a problem talking to a man I like when I'm out, but if theres any hint of 'set up' I would ignore him - does that make sense? Their relationship with eachother is a little tense too...they are 'best friends' but when one of them is with me, they bitch a little about the other. I try and stay out of it as I have other friends who are less immature and more fun. we've just been going to the gym together lately as no one else I know is going.
BG1985 Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 Silverfish, are you a girl who's clueless about other girls? Whenever I was with my ex-girlfriend and her "good friends," it was amazing how horribly they treated each other and talked badly about a friend when that friend wasn't around. And yes, girls love living vicariously through their single friends.
meerkat stew Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 Funny, most of my married male friends -want- me to stay single in hopes I will take one of their wives off their hands someday.
O'Malley Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 Perhaps downgrade them to acquaintances you have to deal with at times? Next thing they are talking about some party we are all going to and setting me up with some guy who I dont like - he's a lot older, not my type at all, just divorced after he cheated on his wife Misery loves company....
Author silverfish Posted January 29, 2010 Author Posted January 29, 2010 Silverfish, are you a girl who's clueless about other girls? Whenever I was with my ex-girlfriend and her "good friends," it was amazing how horribly they treated each other and talked badly about a friend when that friend wasn't around. And yes, girls love living vicariously through their single friends. I think its just the shift in their attitude from when I was with someone to being single. I haven't been single for ages so maybe I just noticed this. I know that women can be two faced, bitchy, and so on....its always been like that and hasn't changed at all. Its just the new stuff that was puzzling, as I was expecting it to be much less of a big deal than they are making it into. I didn't expect them to get all competitive on me now I'm single when they weren't like that at all before.
Author silverfish Posted January 29, 2010 Author Posted January 29, 2010 Funny, most of my married male friends -want- me to stay single in hopes I will take one of their wives off their hands someday. Ha..but thats the thing, single men seem have have more respect than single women amongst couples. If you're a single man you get friendship from the man and the woman (and the woman often flirts a bit with you as well, and tries to set you up with her friends). If you're a single woman with a couple the woman gets suspicious and competitive and the man cant talk to you anymore in case his missus gets jealous. Its like you've turned into some sort of husband stealing witch floozy overnight.
threebyfate Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 I'll openly admit that I've tried to matchmake single friends before. And, when I was single, my friends also tried to matchmake me. In either situation, it was with our best interests in mind. When you're happily in a relationship, you want your closest friends to have the same happiness. But their choice of potential mate for you, is sadly lacking. Perhaps it's time to view their other choices in life and decide if it's a scenario of "one person's trash is another person's treasure". I've also been where you've been where my friend at the time, really, really pushed me towards someone who she thought was a treasure. The only problem is that her concept of treasure and mine, were polar opposites, due to differences in moral values. Man did I pay the price for that one, for trusting her judgement. But if anyone was at fault for that, it was me, for listening, rather than trusting my own gut instincts. Having said that, it sounds like your perception has changed, more than your friends have. Review paste behaviours on their parts. What you'll most likely find is that in the past, they've treated you with a lack of respect, as well. And yet, everyone is a combination of both angel and demon. We tend to demonize people when we're mad at them, focusing solely on their negatives, rather than balancing with positives. Step back and really take a long look. No one is perfect.
DiscoChick Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 Silverfish, are you a girl who's clueless about other girls? Whenever I was with my ex-girlfriend and her "good friends," it was amazing how horribly they treated each other and talked badly about a friend when that friend wasn't around. And yes, girls love living vicariously through their single friends. I would never do that to anyone. It's a two-faced...[err I need another words here] weak thing to do. If I have a problem with someone, I will tell them. It is stupid and pointless to talk to mutual friend about it. Amazingly, I have no problems with the few female friends I have. They all think I'm crazy. Someone said misery loves company. That is true. The entire time I was in my last relationship, one of my friends kept telling me to dump the guy. Right. Now, she's in a relationship that is horrible. I've told her several times that her boyfriend is a worthless mass of flesh that should have never existed. It is true. She has beaten him up; he has stolen her car, check, and house keys. I don't know if she gets off on that stuff or what. I asked her, and she told me she loves drama. Some women are closeted lunatics. If these women are the type of friends you want to have around you, by all means keep them. I would personally tell them to go drown themselves and lose my number and address.
meerkat stew Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 single men seem have have more respect than single women amongst couples. If you're a single man you get friendship from the man and the woman (and the woman often flirts a bit with you as well, and tries to set you up with her friends). Actually, by the time my friends are married, the guy has used me as an excuse so many times, or fibbed to her about me instigating some bad behavior of his (usually nothing more than him only calling three and not five times when we are out without her), that she hates me and thinks I'm the cause of everything wrong with her man. She knows otherwise inside, just prefers to rationalize and create an alternate reality more comfortable for her than deal with actual reality. Am generally persona non grata after marriage regardless of whether any such fibbing has gone on, due to so many women's insecurities about sharing someone's attention. Another thing my friends' wives do is try to alienate single friends entirely as being a source of prospective mischief, and bully the man into a social life consisting entirely of her married GFs and their husbands. In order to keep peace, men comply, as they do on so many ridiculous over the top demands of their wives'. And then there's the ones who drive me out of their house by stirring up a fight whenever I'm around and then trying to get me to arbitrate the fight between her and my friend that she happened to marry. Usually the fight is over something so ridiculously trivial that I have a hard time not laughing in her face. Almost all my successful married friendships arise when I am friends with the woman and not the man before marriage, and become friends with the man post marriage. Wonder why that is? Yeah, it's a sore subject, and a major, if not -the- major reason I've never married. I've been around the block enough to know the score of what happens to men in marriage, and it's not pretty with precious few exceptions. I'm not a gambler by nature.
Author silverfish Posted January 30, 2010 Author Posted January 30, 2010 Actually, by the time my friends are married, the guy has used me as an excuse so many times, or fibbed to her about me instigating some bad behavior of his (usually nothing more than him only calling three and not five times when we are out without her), that she hates me and thinks I'm the cause of everything wrong with her man. She knows otherwise inside, just prefers to rationalize and create an alternate reality more comfortable for her than deal with actual reality. Am generally persona non grata after marriage regardless of whether any such fibbing has gone on, due to so many women's insecurities about sharing someone's attention. Another thing my friends' wives do is try to alienate single friends entirely as being a source of prospective mischief, and bully the man into a social life consisting entirely of her married GFs and their husbands. In order to keep peace, men comply, as they do on so many ridiculous over the top demands of their wives'. And then there's the ones who drive me out of their house by stirring up a fight whenever I'm around and then trying to get me to arbitrate the fight between her and my friend that she happened to marry. Usually the fight is over something so ridiculously trivial that I have a hard time not laughing in her face. Almost all my successful married friendships arise when I am friends with the woman and not the man before marriage, and become friends with the man post marriage. Wonder why that is? Yeah, it's a sore subject, and a major, if not -the- major reason I've never married. I've been around the block enough to know the score of what happens to men in marriage, and it's not pretty with precious few exceptions. I'm not a gambler by nature. I understand what you mean about the fights...but I've been put in the same position by my female friends between them and their partner many times too. You learn to stay out of it and so on. Same with the previous history and going out thing. I think the problem there is that everyone knows that men cover up for their male friends...and women do the same. If anything dodgy has happened its not likely that however close you are to other partner of the other sex that you are going to admit any wrondoing happened. IME its often the women / men that are with someone that behave worse when they are out, and then expect their (often single) frineds to cover up for them. Not saying it happens a lot but it does happen. And when its the man thats misbehaving, and a friend of the woman knows, I believe its more likely for the man to get his back covered than if it was a woman doing the dirty and the mans friends knowing. Its all a dirty old game really...
Author silverfish Posted January 30, 2010 Author Posted January 30, 2010 I'll openly admit that I've tried to matchmake single friends before. And, when I was single, my friends also tried to matchmake me. In either situation, it was with our best interests in mind. When you're happily in a relationship, you want your closest friends to have the same happiness. But their choice of potential mate for you, is sadly lacking. Perhaps it's time to view their other choices in life and decide if it's a scenario of "one person's trash is another person's treasure". I've also been where you've been where my friend at the time, really, really pushed me towards someone who she thought was a treasure. The only problem is that her concept of treasure and mine, were polar opposites, due to differences in moral values. Man did I pay the price for that one, for trusting her judgement. But if anyone was at fault for that, it was me, for listening, rather than trusting my own gut instincts. Having said that, it sounds like your perception has changed, more than your friends have. Review paste behaviours on their parts. What you'll most likely find is that in the past, they've treated you with a lack of respect, as well. And yet, everyone is a combination of both angel and demon. We tend to demonize people when we're mad at them, focusing solely on their negatives, rather than balancing with positives. Step back and really take a long look. No one is perfect. Yes I think you are right there. Actually neither of these women are happy themselves...one is with a womaniser who tries it on regularly (never with me though thank god), and the other one constantly badmouths her b/f even though he seems nice enough. I don't really like their behaviour when we're out, they are quite superficial in some ways and seem to be out for attention from men in any way they can get it. So...they seem to have a lack of respect generally not just with me, but with eachother and their partners as well. Not a merry go round I want to get on. I'm just going to do the gym thing next few weeks then go dark on them both I think..
meerkat stew Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 I understand what you mean about the fights...but I've been put in the same position by my female friends between them and their partner many times too. Sorry, was grouchy yesterday due to real life wives and other female drama threatening to mess with plans for last night. My post was too harsh, and things turned out fine with the plans after all Agree with your post.
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