Lakeside_runner Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 Okay - I promise this is the last post about this, I know you guys can't take any more of it... Situation: I got a job offer in CA (assistant professor position at a university, not tenure-track), live in MN now. Met a girl in October, we have a lot of fun together and a lot in common. She'll be done with her degree in December, doesn't have any fixed plans after she's done besids taking the bar exam etc. I can't say it 100% sure because nobody can really say sure things about themselves but I am responsible, reliable, carring, and I think she knows that I deliver what I promise. I met her parents and some of her family and I think I made a good impression (well I grew up in Europe so I'm well trained in that ). We talked yesterday about the job offer - it kind of caught both of us by surprise (especially given the current job market). I said that I'd like things to continue as they are, possibly with a LDR after August and see where this is going. I told her that I don't expect anything at this point and asked her to think about it. When we split that afternoon she wasn't running for her life, we hugged, kissed, I walked her to her car, we had a good conversation on unrelated topics, hugged, kissed, bye-bye. I texted her later saying that I'd like to keep things normal (like call her tomorrow to chat how her day was etc. - something that I usually do) but I'd understnd if she needs some space to figure things out. She texted back that I can definitely call her. Question: What wold you laidies do in this situation? Decent guy, you have a good time etc. - would you give it a shot? Thanks!
boogieboy Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 Long Distance? dont count on it.......... Watch her behavior, if she starts getting distant, you know she started shopping.
Satisfaction Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 I probably wouldn't. But that's just me. Its alot to ask especially when you've only known someone a short time. Can't you just do without sex and hang out with your mates until its time to leave? you may have to wait a few months when you get there too. Its not so bad.
xpaperxcutx Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 CA is far, I don't think if placed in such a position, I would be able to stick it out for long. Sure the initial infatuation stage would mean I contact you everyday online and whatnot, but given that social circumstances do provide me with more chances to meet new people, I would think by the 2nd month mark, I would have fallen for someone else. Is the girl you're seeing capable of sticking to things on an LDR?
Jesper Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 Being long distance for a specified and relatively short period of time is not a big deal at all. My only concern in a situation like this is that the two of you have only been dating for 3 months at this point; won't have been dating for much longer than that by the time you graduate and move to Cali, and then she has to figure out what she's going to do with her life. PERSONALLY: I would be EXTREMELY turned off by a guy who I'd been dating for only 3 months who was going to make important LIFE decisions based on ME and MY actions. If that doesn't bother you, then continue to date her. It sounds like she's just looking for a hubby and will follow you wherever you may go.
Author Lakeside_runner Posted January 29, 2010 Author Posted January 29, 2010 I am not making this decission based on what she'll do!!! By no means! I just said - I'd like to keep what we have now and see where it goes... I didn't ask her to move with me etc. I just said - hey, let's keep dating and if we decide that we like each other etc. we can work it out.
OnlyJake Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 I am not making this decission based on what she'll do!!! By no means! I just said - I'd like to keep what we have now and see where it goes... I didn't ask her to move with me etc. I just said - hey, let's keep dating and if we decide that we like each other etc. we can work it out. My understanding from the other posts (and especially the last one) is that no one took your OP to mean what you stated here, but rather that you the GIRL was looking for the thigns you're flipping out about here. Personally I think she shounds crazy.
SoulSearch_CO Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 If this situation came up between the guy I'm dating and me - absolutely, I'd keep it going. Why? I'm insanely twitterpated. I'd be a fool to throw it away over distance. I'd do what I could to bridge the gap. (We've been dating since August)
Author Lakeside_runner Posted January 29, 2010 Author Posted January 29, 2010 Personally I think she shounds crazy. I don't get it. She didn't say anything! I asked her to think about what she wants. I told her what I want and that's it. Why does she sound crazy in your opinion?
OnlyJake Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 I don't get it. She didn't say anything! I asked her to think about what she wants. I told her what I want and that's it. Why does she sound crazy in your opinion? Sorry, I may have gotten too carried away at HH last night, and was too blunt without explanation. First, I've read your other threads; that's where that comment is coming from - I know you're head over heels for this girl, but from your posts I get a creepy feeling Crazy might not be the right word. I absolutely think that if you two like each other you should continue to date in the meantime, and continue that into a long distance relationship if that's what you both want. If I were in this situation I would probably give it a go until your move and then reevaluate the relationship/situation. But (of course) I see this situation through the lense of my experiences, beliefs, etc. Therefore, there is something inherent in the idea of a girl making an important life decision based on someone else's life and decision that kinda turns me off and makes me think, hey wait a minute, what's going on here. I could be totally wrong, because I only have the limited information some anon poster chooses to share, but she strikes me as this kind of girl. (I'm also pretty logical, not romantic, and am more likely to follow my head not my heart. Of course there's nothing wrong with people who are different than me.) I do hope it works out the way you want it to
Author Lakeside_runner Posted January 29, 2010 Author Posted January 29, 2010 Therefore, there is something inherent in the idea of a girl making an important life decision based on someone else's life and decision that kinda turns me off and makes me think, hey wait a minute, what's going on here. I could be totally wrong, because I only have the limited information some anon poster chooses to share, but she strikes me as this kind of girl. But isn't that kind of inherent in the idea of being in a relationship? Admitted, it's still fresh but that's why I don't expect any decisions from her.
OnlyJake Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 But isn't that kind of inherent in the idea of being in a relationship? Admitted, it's still fresh but that's why I don't expect any decisions from her. We may just disagree on this topic, because no, I don't think that is inherent in the idea of being in a relationship, unless your commitment has been tried and tested (married, but dating for years, etc.). I personally think it is insane (and stupid) to move across the country for someone you've only been dating for 3 months. I understand that not everyone feels the same way I do. I furthermore don't think it's ever wise to make life decisions based on THE OTHER PARTNER'S DECISION. The decision made should be something mutually agreed upon by both parties after sufficient discussion. Not "oh hey, I decided to do XYZ, you should think about coming too." That's what a partnership and a committed relationship is about, IMO. I hope you don't feel that I'm personally attacking you, I think we see things differently (and you also have more information than I do about this specific situation so I'm going off of generalizations) and I'm just expressing my POV.
Author Lakeside_runner Posted January 29, 2010 Author Posted January 29, 2010 I totally agree with you! That's why I am kind of stressed out now. That's precisely my point - it IS INSANE to move across the country after dating someone for 3-4 months. The thing is - I am in academia and as opposed to other professions where you can have say 3000 job offers in the whole nation - in academia you have about 90 in the whole US. And I'm not talking 'right now', I am talking within a year. My point is - if I want A JOB I gotta move because the situation is sort of "I have been blessed with this job". Now - as said before I don't have any expectations. What I did is rather - "I kind of have to do XYZ in 8 months. Since we are having such a great time together and so much in common why don't we find out if in 8 months and possibly 4 months of LDR you'd like to follow?" - I don't know, does that sound reasonable?
pandagirl Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 Why does this decision need to made now? You might not even be dating when you have to leave for your job. She's know that you are moving, so with that in mind, I'd say just see how the relationship develops in the following months, then as your departure nears closer, the topic can be revisited?
Author Lakeside_runner Posted January 29, 2010 Author Posted January 29, 2010 There are two decisions: 1. Do we want to keep dating - this one has to be made obviously now. 2. Do you want to follow - this is the stuff for later discussion after an extended period of dating. What I am inquiring about is issue #1.
OnlyJake Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 I totally agree with you! That's why I am kind of stressed out now. That's precisely my point - it IS INSANE to move across the country after dating someone for 3-4 months. The thing is - I am in academia and as opposed to other professions where you can have say 3000 job offers in the whole nation - in academia you have about 90 in the whole US. And I'm not talking 'right now', I am talking within a year. My point is - if I want A JOB I gotta move because the situation is sort of "I have been blessed with this job". Now - as said before I don't have any expectations. What I did is rather - "I kind of have to do XYZ in 8 months. Since we are having such a great time together and so much in common why don't we find out if in 8 months and possibly 4 months of LDR you'd like to follow?" - I don't know, does that sound reasonable? Yeah, I think I said in an earlier post that I'd probably see how the next however many months go, and then reevaluate. Same as pandagirl said: Why does this decision need to made now? You might not even be dating when you have to leave for your job. She's know that you are moving, so with that in mind, I'd say just see how the relationship develops in the following months, then as your departure nears closer, the topic can be revisited? There are two decisions: 1. Do we want to keep dating - this one has to be made obviously now. 2. Do you want to follow - this is the stuff for later discussion after an extended period of dating. What I am inquiring about is issue #1. So are you thinking about breaking up with her then? I was under the impression that issue #1 had already been resolved and she wanted to continue dating.
Author Lakeside_runner Posted January 29, 2010 Author Posted January 29, 2010 I don't want to break up with her. I want to see where things go - I am giving her some time to think if she wants the same i.e. if she also wants to keep dating and see where things go
OnlyJake Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 I don't want to break up with her. I want to see where things go - I am giving her some time to think if she wants the same i.e. if she also wants to keep dating and see where things go I see. If I recall her response correctly, I wouldn't worry if I were you.
Recommended Posts