zedd Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 I began to be real close to a girl last year. I knew that she had a long-time boyfriend but they always broke up and came together again and again and by that time I thought she got rid of him I wanted to hook up with her, before that we were only friends. We got drunk one night and kissed but and she mentioned her boyfriend. I thought if there's still something between them it must be over soon so I kept on meeting her and we became close to each other, we met to have a drink quite often and sometimes she slept at my place and we had sex, too. She was in trouble leaving him (he is a jerk, really, and she was unhappy with him) so I encouraged her to do so (so did other people) which she did, BUT. She left him on the day she went to work abroad for a little more than a month, to a place she goes every summer. We wrote letters to each other and called each other sometimes and when she came back we met again. She said she didn't want a "real" relationship because she had enough of this for years but because we had such great times together then on, somehow we ended up being a couple at last. Then she told me that while she was abroad, she slept with two of his long-time friends but it meant nothing to her, she just wanted to get away from the situation she was in and just party like hell because she couldn't do that in the past, she always had someone back home waiting for her and because she wanted to forget all the messed up stuff back home. I didn't sleep with anyone else that time (I would have, given the chance, btw she says she wouldn't have started a relationship with me if I had because I already said I love her before she left, but she didn't ever did that and that's why she was allowed to do so). But now she really fell in love with me (during fall) and wants to be with me all the time, cares about me and stuff but still keeps telling things like "back then before summer when we were already together" and then I feel I was cheated on, while I know that we were not in an exclusive relationship. But I still feel hurt because of that. So did she cheat on me or not? She said she would never cheat on anyone else in her life, but rather end the whole thing because the last year's experiences taught her that it's such an emtional crisis for everyone and that was enough. She wants me to forget the past and just enjoy the present situation and that's what everyone says, because they see how close we are to each other, but this is a thing hard to forget, especially because she doesn't even have to say sorry or anything because she never told me we were a couple before she left. So did she cheat on me or not?
seibert253 Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 (edited) Didn't sound like you two were in a committed relationship when she went abroad. She may not have cheated on you, but she did cheat on her ex, WITH YOU. Then she goes away, continues contact with you, (stringing you along)(fallback on when she got home), and boinks a couple of guys. IMO she seems very immature and selfish. Food for thought; if she cheated before, she'll probably cheat again. There's an old saying; once a wh#re, always a wh#re. If I were you, I'd pass on this one. Edited January 29, 2010 by seibert253
Buttnutter100 Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 Didn't sound like you two were in a committed relationship when she went abroad. She may not have cheated on you, but she did cheat on her ex, WITH YOU. Then she goes away, continues contact with you, (stringing you along)(fallback on when she got home), and boinks a couple of guys. IMO she seems very immature and selfish. Food for thought; if she cheated before, she'll probably cheat again. There's an old saying; once a wh#re, always a wh#re. If I were you, I'd pass on this one. Wait a second. Why can't he just continue to periodically bang this woman? Why does he have to entirely pass on her? This is one of those women that you bang if you can, but you don't bring home to mother.
Author zedd Posted January 29, 2010 Author Posted January 29, 2010 Yeah, I thought about the same thing, she pretty much deserves it just to be banged a few times more and then be dumped (I would say everything is okay and forgive her that she was playing with me if she apologized for it, but she has a principal that says "I never say sorry for anything" and she is like "I think you should forget about the past, no?" and "I wanted to do it this way, I didn't want to hurt you by telling that, but I was after a long relationship and I think I deserved a little bit of fun", well yeah, but then she should have said that in advance or at least not say that "I wouldn't have hooked up with you if you did the same during summer", telling me with that that it was a kind of open relationship, closed on my side and only open on hers). She told me she was selfish when I got to know her and I was like whatever, who is not, but for me selfish means going out with her friends instead of mines or eating the last piece of a cake without asking if the other wants any, but this is not selfishness anymore, this is plain evil manipulation of peoples emotions and feelings. Which btw she has a history of, as far as I know.
Buttnutter100 Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 Zedd, I retract what I said, I agree with the other poster who said "pass." When someone likes to play around as this woman apparently does, never says she is sorry, etc., then you would have to think about catching an STD because you would never know if she is having unprotected sex with someone else who is contagious. I would definitely stop it with her, and get yourself tested if you haven't already done so.
norajane Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 She told me she was selfish When someone tells you something like this about themselves, you really need to pay attention. She wasn't talking about eating the last piece of cake; she was talking about a need she has to have what she wants and everyone else be damned. Her view places her at the center and most important while everyone else revolves around her. This girl is not a good prospect for a long-term, healthy relationship.
Author zedd Posted January 29, 2010 Author Posted January 29, 2010 The thing that makes me think about the whole selfishness-issue a lot is that while she may be selfish in this respect, sometimes she does really big favours for me, wants to help me with everything (whenever she comes over she cleans the place and stuff), brings presents for me all the time, is proud to introduce me to everyone as her bf (he introduced me to his parents, too, which she doesn't do, only if it really is serious) and is always nice to me even though I am rude or uninterested in her on some occasions. So apart from this "summer betrayal" we could get along pretty well but this, and the fact that she failed to understand how much she hurt me with that attitude towards it makes me feel like it is all in vain. She doesn't think it is important because (if she is doing it) she has pretty libertine views about sex anyway, she says because a lot of guys took advantage on her when she was young and then dumped her so she convniced herself that sex is just a thing to do, so this way she could avoid the feeling that she was used and abused. "It meant nothing" she says "it was no bigger deal than having a drink or two with them".
Bryanp Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 Based on what you just posted Zedd about her attitude on sex, I think you would be absolutely out of your mind to try to be involved in a relationship with her. Sex with men to her is the same as have a drink with them says it all. Would she care if you banged other women because you saw it as no big deal. I think her attitude indicates that she has absolutely no boundaries and has no fear about contacting STD's. It is almost a guarantee that this will end badly and you will be hurt.
norajane Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 the fact that she failed to understand how much she hurt me with that attitude towards it makes me feel like it is all in vain. She doesn't think it is important because (if she is doing it) she has pretty libertine views about sex anyway, she says because a lot of guys took advantage on her when she was young and then dumped her so she convniced herself that sex is just a thing to do, so this way she could avoid the feeling that she was used and abused. "It meant nothing" she says "it was no bigger deal than having a drink or two with them". The words I highlighted are what I meant about selfishness. If SHE doesn't think it's important, then, in her mind, it DOESN'T MATTER to her what you think, how you feel, or how it impacts you. Why does SHE get to decide what is important and how you should feel without taking your views into account? THAT is selfish, self-centered behavior. It's not just about cleaning or gifts. It's about BELIEFS that HER VIEW is more important, more relevant, and the only view that matters. YOUR view, doesn't matter to her.
Template Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 Your real name isn't K**in is it, because I swear I know someone like you that went through the same thing. So here's the deal, she cheated on her BF with YOU. Already her character is in major question. Then, when she's not with you, she's goes and boinks other dude, while at the same time telling you that she still cares for you. Again... RED FLAG. Why are you torturing yourself over someone who is obviously for flawed moral character. Do you think you can "turn her' into someone you want her to be. Look friend, you obviously are a nice guy, and may have co-dependency issues so I'll save you a long boring lecture. The problem is not with her. You know how messed up she is. The problem is with you. You are the classic "nice guy", and it's not your fault. You are going through what most nice guys go through when they pin their happiness on another person, you get frustrated. I'm not insulting you, because although I'm a recovering nice guy myself, I can never truly NOT be a nice guy.
MizzBlue72 Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 If you were NOT in a committed relationship with boundaries and expectations drawn, I would just let this go.
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