Boundary Problem Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 My cousin (who was raised with our family because his parents were terrible) has gone off to college. It is a boat ride and a 1 hour drive away. He is 18 and it will be the first time away from home (for more than a week). He was very excited about going to college and he got into his first choice, and he is staying in residence. He left on Monday morning, and I've been leaving messages for him to call me so I know if he got there safely and is settled in OK. Well I got a message from him today that he is angry that i invaded his privacy and he moved away to get space etc I couldn't believe it. it is like he doesn't care at all that we were worried about him. A simple email or call to let us know he arrived and was settkled in and OK - was all that it would have took. Am I being too clingy? Or are we supposed to let an 18 yr old just disappear into the big world and not even call to see if they are OK. He says he wants to "be his own man" and we are interfering with his space.
Author Boundary Problem Posted January 28, 2010 Author Posted January 28, 2010 I have to add this: On the phone call - he refused to answer whether or not he was OK. He just got mad about us interfering in his space. I had to call the dorm advisor to see if he was OK and she says he stays in his room all the time, but seems to be ok.
fooled once Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 Unfortunately, he seems like he thought he was all grown and ready to go away and be an adult, and as you can see, he isn't. Leave him alone -- let him navigate the big world by himself. He thinks he is ready, but we know he isn't. Arriving for the first time in college away from home was probably very exciting to him and he probably got so busy, he 'forgot'. I would remind him the next time you do speak to him (and he has calmed down) that part of growing up is being responsible and if you say you are going to call, then you honor that commitment. You might have gone a little overboard with trying to track him down and it embarassed him. BUT had he followed through and called, then this would have been avoided. Let him come to you .... and it probably will happen sooner rather than later.....especially if he needs money
LynnM28 Posted February 27, 2010 Posted February 27, 2010 I am wondering what the age difference/relationship the two of you have? Ultimately I believe that treating anyone with that kind of disrespect is unacceptable, but I also recognize that people make mistakes. I would be concerned that, after speaking to you that way, your cousin is feeling stressed, and now guilty, about your conversation. If you "leave the ball in his court" he may be afraid to call...I might be tempted to send him a quick email, apologize for any mis-communication, and just explain that I was concerned, and that I am confused as to why he was upset...open the door, be low key and non-accusatory, and give him a place to respond...
TwinkletOes26 Posted February 27, 2010 Posted February 27, 2010 Well speaking from a former college student ...i have to say that sorry yall behind closed doors thats the number one reason why we college kids live on campus(that and a lot of schools require it). We are 18 considered adults yet often times parents dont recognize that. I remember I had a curfew when I was going to school and living at home from age 18-23...the curfew was at 11 pm even on weekends. I was never allowed to go out anywhere so why they bothered with the curfew is beyond me. On top of that I dont know if this applies to boys but girls def...my mother yelling at me about wearing a tanktop when im in my early 20s is overboard. Her excuse was always "when you live on your own you can wear what you want. So i left and lived on campus. She had the nerve to cry and ask why I was leaving. I lied and said I wanted to be closer to class so i didnt have to get up so early. The truth was I wanted space to learn explore and make my own mistakes. Couldnt do that at home. Now what you did doesnt sound too bad but maybe he was embarassed that you called the dorm. When he is calm talk to him about you just wanting to be safe.
Ronni_W Posted February 27, 2010 Posted February 27, 2010 I had to call the dorm advisor to see if he was OK Yep that's a boundary problem, alright! It seems quite possible that you were giving "love and concern" of the suffocating kind, and that it limited his ability to prove, to himself and others, that he is indeed a capable and competent young man. In what you wrote, it's not really clear that he feels this way about all or any other household members. As you wrote it, it could be a one-on-one issue. Conveying your understanding and acceptance of HIS experience, letting him know that you acted with lack of awareness of your impact, and do know him to be fully capable and competent may be in order.
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