HeavenOrHell Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 I keep thinking how there is bereavement counselling and support groups for people whose partner/spouse has died, as there should be of course. I have searched for support groups in real life which deal with loss and heartbreak and grief which comes from your partner leaving you, but this support is only given to those whose partners have died. As a person who has been left after being in a loving relationship for 18 years ( I know most of you know my story:rolleyes: ) I feel there is a time limit on how long I can feel depressed or grieving for, but if a partner dies there is no time limit put on it, people seem much more understanding and patient. Someone whose husband died said to me she feels for me and that she thinks it can be easier if they die, because they died still loving you, so you carry that love with you and there is closure, there's no hoping they will come back, no further heartbreak when they meet someone else, you know exactly what you are dealing with, there is no lack of self worth or abandonment. I feel guilty as I find myself selfishly wondering if it would be easier for me he had died. Of course I would not wish that on anyone. I would know where I stood, I would have more support for as long as I needed, I would stop hoping against hope that he still loves me, I wouldn't be dreading him meeting someone else. I feel trapped in a nightmare because he's a mile away from me and I can't see him or have him, and I will have to watch someone else take my place. Even if I go NC I will see him when he meets someone as I bump into him regularly. And no I can't move because it has taken me a long time to build my life up, I would feel horribly lonely to move to where I know no-one, I am shy and don't make friends easily.
mickleb Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 Sometimes, as a result of coping with the toughest lessons we get dealt with in life, we learn that - ulitmately - our most reliable source of support has to be ourselves. The loved ones that part from us, leave us with (in fragile seed form) the opportunity grow towards this very healthy place. Our job is to, simply, water this seed. You will be okay, HoH. x
CaliGuy Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 Someone whose husband died said to me she feels for me and that she thinks it can be easier if they die, because they died still loving you, so you carry that love with you and there is closure, there's no hoping they will come back, no further heartbreak when they meet someone else, you know exactly what you are dealing with, there is no lack of self worth or abandonment. Your friend is extremely wise and quite correct with this statement.
CaliGuy Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 I feel guilty as I find myself selfishly wondering if it would be easier for me he had died. Of course I would not wish that on anyone. Easier, probably, but in no way EASY. I would know where I stood, I would have more support for as long as I needed, I would stop hoping against hope that he still loves me, I wouldn't be dreading him meeting someone else. I feel trapped in a nightmare because he's a mile away from me and I can't see him or have him, and I will have to watch someone else take my place. Even if I go NC I will see him when he meets someone as I bump into him regularly. And no I can't move because it has taken me a long time to build my life up, I would feel horribly lonely to move to where I know no-one, I am shy and don't make friends easily. So read the "So you want a second chance" guide in my signature. It outlines a plan to get YOU back on your feet and in the right frame of mind. Once you get your head in the right place it will be MUCH easier for you to get over him. Look, breakups suck. We all know that. The worst thing you can do is curl up into a ball and become anti-social. Get to the gym, hang out with friends, focus on hobbies and work and move on. I know it's easy to say, but nobody is going to pick you up and dust you off. You have to find the inner strength and courage to do it yourself. And the best way to overcome your fears? Face them, head on...
brwneyedgrl3333 Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 HeavenOrHell, Just reading your post....there is a support group out there for people dealing with the grief of a death or seperation, divorce, or breakup...it's called Beginning Experience....not sure if it's available in all areas of the country/world but it is here where I am from. I did go through this several years after my divorce back in 2003...it's a great group and certainly helped me at the time. I'd have to say from my life experience that I think I would rather go through the death of a loved one then a horribly traumatic breakup like what I am going through now. I feel bad even in typing that but at this point that is how I feel. Time and healing will change that I am sure. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger, or so they say.....I should be Super Woman then when this is all said and done! Hugs to you.
Author HeavenOrHell Posted January 31, 2010 Author Posted January 31, 2010 Thanks everyone, wise words Yes I need to pick myself up, I keep looking for outside help, but ultimately I have to do it myself. No groups like that in the UK hun.
anne1707 Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 Have you tried contacting Relate - they do more than just marriage counselling. Or they may be able to point you in the direction of a support group.
Author HeavenOrHell Posted January 31, 2010 Author Posted January 31, 2010 Yes, been seeing Relate since july, she has no groups to recommend me to unfortunately. I did find one about loss and grief but my doc told me it was run by a struck off GP and that she wouldn't advise me to go to it. Have you tried contacting Relate - they do more than just marriage counselling. Or they may be able to point you in the direction of a support group.
Lizzie60 Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 There has to be some sort of support group where you live.. unless you are in a rural community... My BFF lost her H (cancer) about 4 years ago.. it was extremely hard for her.. but she quit her job and was there with him until the last minute.. She saw a psychologist for a little while.. But .. to be honest... like any painful event.. only time really heals the heart.. but it's easier if you have a good support system around you... Do you have family or friends that can help you through this?
Author HeavenOrHell Posted January 31, 2010 Author Posted January 31, 2010 No support groups dealing with loss or grief no, there is an anxiety and depression one I was referred to but I can't go cos my ex goes. I have some good friends but most of them seem fed up hearing about it, which is fair enough, my best mate doesn't live locally, she's trying to move here which would make a huge difference, 3 years trying to move, no luck so far. There has to be some sort of support group where you live.. unless you are in a rural community... My BFF lost her H (cancer) about 4 years ago.. it was extremely hard for her.. but she quit her job and was there with him until the last minute.. She saw a psychologist for a little while.. But .. to be honest... like any painful event.. only time really heals the heart.. but it's easier if you have a good support system around you... Do you have family or friends that can help you through this?
MissHerALot Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 I feel there is a time limit on how long I can feel depressed or grieving for, but if a partner dies there is no time limit put on it, people seem much more understanding and patient. Someone whose husband died said to me she feels for me and that she thinks it can be easier if they die, because they died still loving you, so you carry that love with you and there is closure, there's no hoping they will come back, no further heartbreak when they meet someone else, you know exactly what you are dealing with, there is no lack of self worth or abandonment. I'm sorry to hear your story. I hope this is not too tacky or Avatar like. Your partner did love you, that love can't be undone. That love was yours to keep; and it will stay in time forever, in life and death. We all will die soon enough, and those moments of love in time, will stay suspended as a part of timeline that cannot be altered. The closure is knowing it stays there forever and you were apart of it. I hope you get the support you need from your loved ones. But it is not fair to assume people who are dealing with death of a loved one doesn't feel regret, remorse and abandonment. Loss hurts no matter how you shake it.
Author HeavenOrHell Posted January 31, 2010 Author Posted January 31, 2010 Thank you No, I would never belittle what those whose partners die suffer, I can see how many must be full of regret if their partner dies, things they could have said or done etc, things they wish they hadn't said or done. I guess at least I have had the chance to say these things to my ex even if it doesn't bring him back. Not sure about abandonment though? Death is not abandonment through choice (except for suicide-that's a whole different issue), it doesn't make you question your whole relationship and your self worth in the way it does when someone decides to leave you. But of course loss hurts whether through death or being dumped, I never disputed that I'm sorry to hear your story. I hope this is not too tacky or Avatar like. Your partner did love you, that love can't be undone. That love was yours to keep; and it will stay in time forever, in life and death. We all will die soon enough, and those moments of love in time, will stay suspended as a part of timeline that cannot be altered. The closure is knowing it stays there forever and you were apart of it. I hope you get the support you need from your loved ones. But it is not fair to assume people who are dealing with death of a loved one doesn't feel regret, remorse and abandonment. Loss hurts no matter how you shake it.
melodymatters Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 I am sorry you are hurting and having a hard time finding a place to talk it out and process it. 18 years is a LONG time ! There must be some online groups to join if there is nothing local in real life. For me, losing my husband to death last May was worse than any break up. Mostly because he DID die loving me, and I him. It shatters your faith in waking up and just breathing, you have no anger to hold on to, just a feeling of the universe spinning the wheel and crushing your existence. To me, thats harder than " Joe doesn't love me anymore". I always had a healthy sense of anger when relationships ended. They were "bad" in some way, or we wanted different things that we both had the right to want. God or whoever drowning your husband when you have dinner waiting for him at home, just dissolves your trust in life. I am not trying to one up you, I feel for you very much, I just wanted to chime in as someone who has experienced both. good luck to you honey, stay strong...
Author HeavenOrHell Posted January 31, 2010 Author Posted January 31, 2010 I'm so sorry hun I come to LS as there are lots in the same boat, but don't know of any other online groups, I'm really needing real life support, I do see Relate when I can afford it. I feel like I can't move on because I am still in love with him and I can't bear that he doesn't feel the same now, almost like the person who was in love with me died, but my love for him hasn't. He loves me but not in love with me anymore, I feel trapped in a nightmare, now I'm convinced he's getting closer to someone who was a friend of mine and it's eating me up inside. I don't have much anger towards him as he's done nothing wrong, he's such a lovely person, which is why it hurts. We're still close. It's shattered my trust in relationships and security, if we were that solid for so long and yet he still left, so I've realised nothing is forever and that I can't trust what people say as people change their minds so much and make promises they don't keep. We can't take anything for granted. There was nothing bad in our relationship, we didn't want different things as such, we still click so well, I was neglectful towards the end. I hope you are getting plenty of support too. I am sorry you are hurting and having a hard time finding a place to talk it out and process it. 18 years is a LONG time ! There must be some online groups to join if there is nothing local in real life. For me, losing my husband to death last May was worse than any break up. Mostly because he DID die loving me, and I him. It shatters your faith in waking up and just breathing, you have no anger to hold on to, just a feeling of the universe spinning the wheel and crushing your existence. To me, thats harder than " Joe doesn't love me anymore". I always had a healthy sense of anger when relationships ended. They were "bad" in some way, or we wanted different things that we both had the right to want. God or whoever drowning your husband when you have dinner waiting for him at home, just dissolves your trust in life. I am not trying to one up you, I feel for you very much, I just wanted to chime in as someone who has experienced both. good luck to you honey, stay strong...
DenverBachelor Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 Support groups are great but isn't that really what we all do here at LS? I know 18 years is a long time but try not to focus on the amount of time you were together but instead focus on the amount of time you have left to enjoy life.
Recommended Posts