Stung Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 Not true. You didn't get bashed on OW/OM for what you posted. You were called on the fact that you continue to be a factor in their life by breaking NC and that what she was doing was no worst than being lied to. You didn't get bashed by a long shot. You got good advice on ignoring her, and to actually step back and do actual NC. But at least you took the advice to ignore her. Agreed. Pointing out logical fallacy and/or calling out weak justifications is not the same thing as bashing.
crazycatlady Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 She's following you because deep down she knows she can't trust her H so she is stalking you. Not because you are going to go back to her H but you are a physical representation of what she knows is happening. Its creepy and misplaced and possibly dangerous in the long run. Block her, remove the same friends you share if they aren't close friends. Never ever post on those friend's wall. Make sure your page is as private as you can possibly make it. It sounds like she is taking responsibility for what she has done. Her husband is being given full transparency. She does not deserve harassment from anyone even the BS. She did not tie down OM and **** him against his will. She didn't drug him, hypnotise him. She had a lapse of judgement and the only person she owes an apology to is her husband. Unless they were friends prior to the affair, and perhaps then she would own an apology to her, but nothing like her husband is owed and nothing like the BS is owed by the OM in this. But the BS doesn't want to face her H's responisibility in this and is willing only to blame the OW. And is being creepy stalker over this. This is a misplaced hostility. CCL
Stung Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 She's following you because deep down she knows she can't trust her H so she is stalking you. Not because you are going to go back to her H but you are a physical representation of what she knows is happening. Its creepy and misplaced and possibly dangerous in the long run. Block her, remove the same friends you share if they aren't close friends. Never ever post on those friend's wall. Make sure your page is as private as you can possibly make it. It sounds like she is taking responsibility for what she has done. Her husband is being given full transparency. She does not deserve harassment from anyone even the BS. She did not tie down OM and **** him against his will. She didn't drug him, hypnotise him. She had a lapse of judgement and the only person she owes an apology to is her husband. Unless they were friends prior to the affair, and perhaps then she would own an apology to her, but nothing like her husband is owed and nothing like the BS is owed by the OM in this. But the BS doesn't want to face her H's responisibility in this and is willing only to blame the OW. And is being creepy stalker over this. This is a misplaced hostility. CCL I have not followed the OP's backstory so perhaps I am uninformed, but how do we know that the BW's hostility is not ALSO focused on the MM? I see this a lot on these boards, OW complaining that they get all the repercussions while the WH gets off scot-free. Frankly I suspect this is a naive and likely disingenuous vision. I believe that in most cases there is enough hurt/anger/confusion/ire directed at the WH that there is some left over for the OW and that is simply all the OW really sees. Some agree with your interpretation that the OW is completely innocent, but I do not, and I was once an OW. I knew I was making a bad choice, I knew my judgement was clouded. I also knew that human beings are complicated and often dark and I was crossing a line that could invite a lot of trouble into my life. I recanted, repented, and moved on, vowing to never make that mistake twice. If his W had chosen to inconvenience or harrass or embarrass me for a little while, I wouldn't have liked it but I would have accepted the part I played in creating the drama. I own my portion of responsibility in the wrong done to the wife, because I am an adult and responsible for my actions, including the actions where I partook in the violation of marital vows. Yes, her husband was more in the wrong than I was. He betrayed his wife, I a stranger. Nonetheless, I was in the wrong, too. I don't think OW are irretrievably bad people, but I do think that refusing their shared culpability is...overly generous, and potentially infantilizing.
crazycatlady Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 I am a BS. And while I do think I'm owed a bit of apology from the OW in my case, its a bit different. If it had been someone I didn't know, then no I wouldn't think so, other then doing me the favor and keep NC. Which I believe the OP is doing. I don't think the OP is completely innocent, but she isn't the one who made the vow to the BW here. He was. Being owed an apology isn't about blame, though. However I think in most cases, the WS is going to wander and someone will be the AP. CCL
NoIDidn't Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 I have not followed the OP's backstory so perhaps I am uninformed, but how do we know that the BW's hostility is not ALSO focused on the MM? I see this a lot on these boards, OW complaining that they get all the repercussions while the WH gets off scot-free. Frankly I suspect this is a naive and likely disingenuous vision. I believe that in most cases there is enough hurt/anger/confusion/ire directed at the WH that there is some left over for the OW and that is simply all the OW really sees. Its because just as in the affair they generally have no idea of what goes on in the MM's home/marriage, they have no idea of what he is facing after a d-day. Unfortunately it doesn't quite jibe with what is said by many when they first break NC (which most inevitably do) and they say how horrible the MM looks, and how the BW is giving him hell. Some agree with your interpretation that the OW is completely innocent, but I do not, and I was once an OW. I knew I was making a bad choice, I knew my judgement was clouded. I also knew that human beings are complicated and often dark and I was crossing a line that could invite a lot of trouble into my life. I recanted, repented, and moved on, vowing to never make that mistake twice. If his W had chosen to inconvenience or harrass or embarrass me for a little while, I wouldn't have liked it but I would have accepted the part I played in creating the drama. I own my portion of responsibility in the wrong done to the wife, because I am an adult and responsible for my actions, including the actions where I partook in the violation of marital vows. Yes, her husband was more in the wrong than I was. He betrayed his wife, I a stranger. Nonetheless, I was in the wrong, too. I don't think OW are irretrievably bad people, but I do think that refusing their shared culpability is...overly generous, and potentially infantilizing. You know you'll be branded as the dreaded "reformed" OW now . Still a refreshing view to read. Too often people don't want to accept the consequences of their actions. I don't think anyone has said that the BW is right in what she is doing, but she certainly is no more wrong than the A was. And this doesn't quite fit the "two-wrongs-don't-make-a-right" cliche criteria. This is just surveillance, if you will. Keep your friends close....kind of thing.
Stung Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 You know you'll be branded as the dreaded "reformed" OW now . Oh well . Seriously my misadventure was over a decade ago and I recognize a lot of things about it now that I missed then in the callousness/naivete of youth. I don't demonize most OW, I think that most marriages plagued by affairs had some problems at the outset, I recognize that human relationships are complex, but still: justifications and smokescreens and denial don't do anybody any good, and behaving in a way that will hurt people and expecting nothing but understanding and sunshine in return makes you either a blind idealist wholly lost to reality or a child, IMHO. I don't think an OW should be constantly bashed for sharing her feelings as she is a complicated and struggling human too, but I don't think she needs to be validated either, necessarily. If people were saying the W was absolutely correct to embarrass and harrass the OP, that it was the mature thing for her to do, that would be one thing. It seems to me that most people are just saying it's understandable she's reacting emotionally, and that it's not as bad as what the OP did to her. I don't see anything wrong with people being reminded that sometimes they just ought to suck it up.
NoIDidn't Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 I don't think an OW should be constantly bashed for sharing her feelings as she is a complicated and struggling human too, but I don't think she needs to be validated either, necessarily. If people were saying the W was absolutely correct to embarrass and harrass the OP, that it was the mature thing for her to do, that would be one thing. It seems to me that most people are just saying it's understandable she's reacting emotionally, and that it's not as bad as what the OP did to her. I don't see anything wrong with people being reminded that sometimes they just ought to suck it up. I agree. The OP and anyone who posts something similar doesn't deserve bashing. I also agree that there is nothing wrong with being reminded that there are some times that we are going to have to "suck it up". I think this is one of them.
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