FB a problem in recovery for WS & BS.

[OFGnomore]

Like SD, I have the opposite problem in FB. xMMs BS is friending many of my friends, I mean making NEW friends with my FB friends and it's only been a year. I get update notifications from her and comments on conversations I started with my friends. These people may or may not know about the A, it's a small town and my H did blast the news out to quite a few people. First I thought, I'd just ignore her until she started commenting on my comments.

 

What you do if you were in the situation, for now, I just blocked her. But I think it's creepy and obsessive. She was wearing an identical pair of earrings in her profile pic to. Not similar but identical. I'm sorry but that's just weird. H agrees to just block her.

 

So is this healing and moving on or inappropriate? I've gone out of my way to not friend her friends that we mutually know. I'll keep my conversations with them in the public, or private email. In the aftermath of making so many mistakes, I think it's just the right thing to do. All parties, keep their distance IMO!

[Blindsidedagainalive]

If she is creepy for friending your friends......ummmmm what does that make you who was having sexual intercourse with someones husband.

 

I think, having sex with someone who is married is about as creepy as it gets.

 

There are HUGE consequences for having affairs.

You have no idea the pain and devastation that your affair caused this woman.

Be grateful someone did not come and beat your ass down with a baseball bat.

[SleepingDog]

During the affair two people took control over her life and kicked the fundaments from beneath it. You was one of them, as a stranger (?) invaded her territory.What she is doing is re-establishing control and re-staking her territory. Just as she couldn't control your behaviour, you can't control hers now. Sucks, doesn't it?

 

She would never even understand that you have to 'move on'. She would see that as 'running away from consequences' or 'escaping without any punishment'. First of all, she is operating on a delay: you have been struggling with the affair longer than she has. Second, together with her xMM you are responsible for putting her in that position. Third, a person can only move on on her own pace, and perhaps she needs to stalk you for a bit in order to get over it.

 

I assure you, being betrayed is as close to Hell as you are likely to get this side of death; she is in a very dark place; having been there I am not surprised people are killed over affairs, betrayal opens up such a can of primeval instincts I didn't even believe humans could posses them. Why should she give you any consideration? Your happiness is the direct cause of her despair. Blindsided is right: it could be much worse. You are lucky this is all she's doing.

 

You are in for a long ride. I harrassed OM for months - he kept avoiding me - which finally ended in a confrontation. What helped is that he apologised. I was angry at him because he knew me and had not paused for one second to consider the results and my feelings. That he admitted he had done something wrong and had harmed me did help, I have left him alone since then. It still took 3-4 years to stop thinking about the affair (and OM ) continually. As you know I still have occasional flashbacks even after 10 years.

 

Perhaps that would help: block her for now on FB at an appropriate opportunity tell her you can't change the facts as they are, but you are deeply sorry about the hurt you have caused her, that was not your intention. Whatever you do, don't feel sorry for yourself, don't be self righteous: this is a consequence of your own behaviour, you should face up to that and any self-pity is loathsome. You have compromised yourself morally and can only regain this by truly appreciating the hurt you have caused.

 

But if I were you I would move out of town at some stage.Some mistakes will follow you all your life, and this is one of them, especially in a small town, you will always be the OW.

Edited January 29, 2010 by SleepingDog

[OFGnomore]

If she is creepy for friending your friends......ummmmm what does that make you who was having sexual intercourse with someones husband.

 

I think, having sex with someone who is married is about as creepy as it gets.

 

There are HUGE consequences for having affairs.

You have no idea the pain and devastation that your affair caused this woman.

Be grateful someone did not come and beat your ass down with a baseball bat.

 

Well then I guess her husband and I should both be grateful that our asses weren't beaten because I'm married too. I think at this stage maybe she should deal with the creep she chooses to stay married too. I removed myself from her life and stayed away. Her husband didn't confess, my H told her H. I think she's got bigger problems on her side of the fence at this point than looking at my musings on facebook.

[OFGnomore]

During the affair two people took control over her life and kicked the fundaments from beneath it. You was one of them, as a stranger (?) invaded her territory.What she is doing is re-establishing control and re-staking her territory. Just as she couldn't control your behaviour, you can't control hers now. Sucks, doesn't it?

 

She would never even understand that you have to 'move on'. She would see that as 'running away from consequences' or 'escaping without any punishment'. First of all, she is operating on a delay: you have been struggling with the affair longer than she has. Second, together with her xMM you are responsible for putting her in that position. Third, a person can only move on on her own pace, and perhaps she needs to stalk you for a bit in order to get over it.

 

I assure you, being betrayed is as close to Hell as you are likely to get this side of death; she is in a very dark place; having been there I am not surprised people are killed over affairs, betrayal opens up such a can of primeval instincts I didn't even believe humans could posses them. Why should she give you any consideration? Your happiness is the direct cause of her despair. Blindsided is right: it could be much worse. You are lucky this is all she's doing.

 

You are in for a long ride. I harrassed OM for months - he kept avoiding me - which finally ended in a confrontation. What helped is that he apologised. I was angry at him because he knew me and had not paused for one second to consider the results and my feelings. That he admitted he had done something wrong and had harmed me did help, I have left him alone since then. It still took 3-4 years to stop thinking about the affair (and OM ) continually. As you know I still have occasional flashbacks even after 10 years.

 

Perhaps that would help: block her for now on FB at an appropriate opportunity tell her you can't change the facts as they are, but you are deeply sorry about the hurt you have caused her, that was not your intention. Whatever you do, don't feel sorry for yourself, don't be self righteous: this is a consequence of your own behaviour, you should face up to that and any self-pity is loathsome. You have compromised yourself morally and can only regain this by truly appreciating the hurt you have caused.

 

But if I were you I would move out of town at some stage.Some mistakes will follow you all your life, and this is one of them, especially in a small town, you will always be the OW.

 

I get how difficult the consequences of betrayal are, I've have dealt with my husband's agony and devastation. There is no self pity other than, she needs to put her energy on the the non stranger in the equation - her husband - and worry about his consequences not mine at this point. He didn't confess, he pursued (it does make a difference to a BS, ask a few on this board), and he still continues to troll my work web page.

 

I'll woman up to my consequences fair enough. But sooner or later, she needs to focus on not wasting her time with me, I removed myself and stayed away, and focus on why her H thought so little of her, himself and his family to make a decision to betray her.

[LucreziaBorgia]

But sooner or later, she needs to focus on not wasting her time with me, I removed myself and stayed away, and focus on why her H thought so little of her, himself and his family to make a decision to betray her.

 

She'll do that as soon as she is done with you. At this stage in the game, in her mind, you are still the enemy. There is nothing you can do or say to convince her otherwise.

[OFGnomore]

She'll do that as soon as she is done with you. At this stage in the game, in her mind, you are still the enemy. There is nothing you can do or say to convince her otherwise.

 

Really? Or maybe it's a way for her never having to deal with the problems of her marriage? Neither of us really know. But what is a FACT is that I have left and stayed out of their lives. And of the posters whom opinions I truly respect on this site, Owl and Mad Mission to name a few, there are others, the sooner you get the focus off of the xOP who is definitively out of YOUR life, the better off you'll be for yourself and any chance for a reconciled, healed marriage.

[SleepingDog]

"the sooner you get the focus off of the xOP who is definitively out of YOUR life, the better off you'll be for yourself and any chance for a reconciled, healed marriage."

 

True enough, but it is tough, very tough. I see now you do have concern for her well being rather than merely your own. Good for you. Fact is, some people never recover. Some people kill themselves. It is beyond your control.

[Blindsidedagainalive]

Well then I guess her husband and I should both be grateful that our asses weren't beaten because I'm married too.

 

Yes, you should ....although I detect a bit of sarcasm. It happens very often.

Everything from murder, to beatings, to harassment, to many CREATIVE ways of revenge.

 

I get how difficult the consequences of betrayal are, I've have dealt with my husband's agony and devastation.

 

You only know how YOU feel, not the betrayed. Now that you had an affair, you will NEVER know what it feels like exactly. Your mind is forever tainted now that you had an affair. Even if your husband had an affair now......it would feel different for you. The devastation and obsession is unlike ANYTHING a person can experience. It's worse than death of a loved one.....considerably worse.

 

I loved my mother more than anything in this world. I held her hand as she took her last breath. My stbx's betrayal was more devastating 10X than my mothers death.

 

Betrayed people would LOVE to turn off the obsession switch.....but it takes YEARS of work to do it. It's been over 2 years for me, and I deal with OM obsession for HOURS per day....AND I WORK ON IT!

 

I'm not sure, but you may have had the the other BS's husbands penis in your mouth.....and other places. It's can drive a person mad......to the point of depression and suicide.

 

We understand that OM may have been a pursuer.

It's REALLY easy to put off a pursuer......REALLY easy.

If he did not get SIGNALS from you, he would have stopped.

If he didn't stop, it would have been REALLY creepy.

In any case, creepy or not, again......its SO INCREDIBLY easy to put off an interested party.

 

You should learn to develop a greater level of compassion and empathy toward this woman whose life was destroyed .....YOU PLAYED A PART IN IT.

 

It is VERY common to obsess about the OM/OW. It is a coping mechanism. Its easier to hate / blame the other person than your spouse.

[HappyAtLast]

 

I loved my mother more than anything in this world. I held her hand as she took her last breath. My stbx's betrayal was more devastating 10X than my mothers death.

 

 

For some reason this post struck me as extremely sad. I have been a betrayed spouse so I do understand the pain. But, comparing it to the death of love one by tenfold? I say this will all due respect, but after ten years (do I have your story correct?) it should no longer feel that painful.

[eeyore1981]

 

So is this healing and moving on or inappropriate? I've gone out of my way to not friend her friends that we mutually know. I'll keep my conversations with them in the public, or private email. In the aftermath of making so many mistakes, I think it's just the right thing to do. All parties, keep their distance IMO!

 

So, you have gone out of your way to not friend her friends. You also went out of your way to sleep with her husband. Is she sleeping with yours? Do you really think what she is doing now even compares with what you did to her? And yes, no matter what spin you put on it, you did do this to her.

 

As far as 'all parties, keep their distance IMO!' the irony is had you kept your distance from her husband, you wouldn't be experiencing this now. This is called 'natural consequences'. When you do things that are wrong and people get hurt, you run the risk of retaliation. I suggest doing a background check on the wife if you decide to do a married man again. Not everyone is going to be Mother Theresa about it, some wives take it personally, no matter what your intention may have been.

[SleepingDog]

"For some reason this post struck me as extremely sad. I have been a betrayed spouse so I do understand the pain. But, comparing it to the death of love one by tenfold? I say this will all due respect, but after ten years (do I have your story correct?) it should no longer feel that painful."

 

He has 2 years, I was the 10 years guy. No I don't feel like that anymore, but upon discovery it certainly felt worse than losing a loved one, which I also had experience with. You can't do anything about death, there is no-one to blame, certainly if someone dies of old age you can come to accept it. An affair often could have been avoided and somebody is to blame. Two people have personally hurt you, very badly.

 

Death is just sad. You can have a good cry and cherish fond memories if a relative dies. There is nothing but bitterness and hate and nastiness in the case of an affair. It is really extremely difficult to stop the sexual images and the obsessing, it is almost automatic.

[HappyAtLast]

My apologies for confusing the two of you.

 

Having been a surgeon, I just cannot equate cheating to death. Unfortunately, despite being cheated on, I come from a different place, I suppose.

[OFGnomore]

So, you have gone out of your way to not friend her friends. You also went out of your way to sleep with her husband. Is she sleeping with yours? Do you really think what she is doing now even compares with what you did to her? And yes, no matter what spin you put on it, you did do this to her.

 

As far as 'all parties, keep their distance IMO!' the irony is had you kept your distance from her husband, you wouldn't be experiencing this now. This is called 'natural consequences'. When you do things that are wrong and people get hurt, you run the risk of retaliation. I suggest doing a background check on the wife if you decide to do a married man again. Not everyone is going to be Mother Theresa about it, some wives take it personally, no matter what your intention may have been.

 

Read my response to SD in his FB thread. I WILL NOT take MORE responsibility for her husband pursuing me in affair than she will hold him too. He get's instant forgiveness and he still trolls my web page? Bet ya 10 : 1 he's in another affair. I'll own my share and my share only. And some BS's hold the key in why they get betrayed more than once. It's called enabling and co dependency.

[OFGnomore]

It is VERY common to obsess about the OM/OW. It is a coping mechanism. Its easier to hate / blame the other person than your spouse.

 

I can understand that but what's the end goal? But not to blame your spouse sets you for more cheating. I can bet you that he's not on this site venting his feelings and sadness and remorse. He was on my business web page "looking" 5x in single day last month. You think his wife knows? My H does. My H knows and reads my posting here. Sooner or later, a betrayer gets a chance to change and heal. It's not for you or anyone else to to determine MY time table either. I'm not wearing the Scarlet A forever. And as woman, I'm bigger man than xMM is. I confessed on my own accord, and didn't have my H cover and defend my sorry ass to the community. I took the full wrath as I deserved. And as far as betrayal you're right, I'm not a BS. However and my H agrees with me in that the betrayal I felt was much larger than what he faced as a BH, (again for me and my H to decide) I was betrayed by my parents to a degree I will not get into on this board. This is where I own the problem and do the hard work in IC.

[MizzBlue72]

Well then I guess her husband and I should both be grateful that our asses weren't beaten because I'm married too.

 

Yes, you should ....although I detect a bit of sarcasm. It happens very often.

Everything from murder, to beatings, to harassment, to many CREATIVE ways of revenge.

 

I get how difficult the consequences of betrayal are, I've have dealt with my husband's agony and devastation.

 

You only know how YOU feel, not the betrayed. Now that you had an affair, you will NEVER know what it feels like exactly. Your mind is forever tainted now that you had an affair. Even if your husband had an affair now......it would feel different for you. The devastation and obsession is unlike ANYTHING a person can experience. It's worse than death of a loved one.....considerably worse.

 

I loved my mother more than anything in this world. I held her hand as she took her last breath. My stbx's betrayal was more devastating 10X than my mothers death.

 

Betrayed people would LOVE to turn off the obsession switch.....but it takes YEARS of work to do it. It's been over 2 years for me, and I deal with OM obsession for HOURS per day....AND I WORK ON IT!

 

I'm not sure, but you may have had the the other BS's husbands penis in your mouth.....and other places. It's can drive a person mad......to the point of depression and suicide.

 

We understand that OM may have been a pursuer.

It's REALLY easy to put off a pursuer......REALLY easy.

If he did not get SIGNALS from you, he would have stopped.

If he didn't stop, it would have been REALLY creepy.

In any case, creepy or not, again......its SO INCREDIBLY easy to put off an interested party.

 

You should learn to develop a greater level of compassion and empathy toward this woman whose life was destroyed .....YOU PLAYED A PART IN IT.

 

It is VERY common to obsess about the OM/OW. It is a coping mechanism. Its easier to hate / blame the other person than your spouse.

 

Wow. To get back to the ORIGINAL post ----

I think the BS needs to back off the social sites.

 

It will only keep the BS and HER H from healing from this.

[OFGnomore]

Well then I guess her husband and I should both be grateful that our asses weren't beaten because I'm married too.

 

Yes, you should ....although I detect a bit of sarcasm. It happens very often.

Everything from murder, to beatings, to harassment, to many CREATIVE ways of revenge.

 

I get how difficult the consequences of betrayal are, I've have dealt with my husband's agony and devastation.

 

You only know how YOU feel, not the betrayed. Now that you had an affair, you will NEVER know what it feels like exactly. Your mind is forever tainted now that you had an affair. Even if your husband had an affair now......it would feel different for you. The devastation and obsession is unlike ANYTHING a person can experience. It's worse than death of a loved one.....considerably worse.

 

I loved my mother more than anything in this world. I held her hand as she took her last breath. My stbx's betrayal was more devastating 10X than my mothers death.

 

Betrayed people would LOVE to turn off the obsession switch.....but it takes YEARS of work to do it. It's been over 2 years for me, and I deal with OM obsession for HOURS per day....AND I WORK ON IT!

 

I'm not sure, but you may have had the the other BS's husbands penis in your mouth.....and other places. It's can drive a person mad......to the point of depression and suicide.

 

We understand that OM may have been a pursuer.

It's REALLY easy to put off a pursuer......REALLY easy.

If he did not get SIGNALS from you, he would have stopped.

If he didn't stop, it would have been REALLY creepy.

In any case, creepy or not, again......its SO INCREDIBLY easy to put off an interested party.

 

You should learn to develop a greater level of compassion and empathy toward this woman whose life was destroyed .....YOU PLAYED A PART IN IT.

 

It is VERY common to obsess about the OM/OW. It is a coping mechanism. Its easier to hate / blame the other person than your spouse.

 

I am not your H's OW and you are not xMMs BW. I AM however sorry that you have had to experience so much pain in your situation and hope healing can come to you.

[Blindsidedagainalive]

First, you were coldly complaining about xOM's BS.....how she was friending your friends on FB.

Now, you are talking about xOM trolling a website.

 

I see a bit of a victim mentality here.

 

I WILL NOT take MORE responsibility for her husband pursuing me in affair than she will hold him too.

 

You are 100% responsible for having an affair. The rest is nonsense.

You are not taking ownership like you claim to.

 

How does someone pursue someone who is not interested....by Harrassing?

If a man flirts, a simple 'look away' will often give them the signal you are not interested.

If it goes further (whatever, cards, flowers), you tell him to stop it and tell your husband and employer if it was a workplace affair.

If he continues, you file a harassment charge with the police.

 

IT IS SO EASY TO STOP A PURSUER.... SO SELL YOUR BULL**** TO YOUR HUSBAND.

 

Perhaps your husband will buy your bull****...as he must have by agreeing that you have been hurt more than he has.

 

He get's instant forgiveness -

Who cares? ...and how do you know what his wife thinks?

 

and he still trolls my web page?

Obsession is quite common among previous affair partners. This is the risk of getting into an affair. See the news much? Read the paper? Been living on earth? You have witnessed affair aftermath since childhood....so don't act so naive.

 

Bet ya 10 : 1 he's in another affair.---So what, he is a cheater....but so are you. Oh, I forgot....you redeemed yourself.

 

However and my H agrees with me in that the betrayal I felt was much larger than what he faced as a BH

Your husband is a sucker and a wimp if he feels that YOU......who caused this entire mess........SHOULD FEEL MORE BETRAYED.

 

With that mentality, you will end up cheating again on your Beta husband.

 

It's not OM's fault the YOU cheated....not by a longshot.

You are 100% responsible for betraying your husband.

[Blindsidedagainalive]

However and my H agrees with me in that the betrayal I felt was much larger than what he faced as a BH.

 

Oh, and one more thing. If your husband actually agreed with this, note the following thought........

 

You husband has also had an affair but you don't know it - Bet you 10 : 1

 

I'm thinking he had and affair, and will let you suffer in guilt while he gets a 'get out of jail free' card and is able to put it off on you.

 

Think about it. About your statement. NO MAN THAT IS FAITHFUL WOULD BEHAVE THIS WAY.

[OFGnomore]

However and my H agrees with me in that the betrayal I felt was much larger than what he faced as a BH.

 

Oh, and one more thing. If your husband actually agreed with this, note the following thought........

 

You husband has also had an affair but you don't know it - Bet you 10 : 1

 

I'm thinking he had and affair, and will let you suffer in guilt while he gets a 'get out of jail free' card and is able to put it off on you.

 

Think about it. About your statement. NO MAN THAT IS FAITHFUL WOULD BEHAVE THIS WAY.

 

You don't know my situation and I'm done on this thread. Flame away.

 

That's the biggest problem with LS, is it turns into an opportunity for those with displaced anger to lash out inappropriately at others. I came here with a situation that applies solely to me. Why I'm your target for anger about a betrayal that didn't involve you makes no sense to me.

 

Anyway just spent the last hour reading Mad Missions entire postings. Her stuff is golden!

[hopeless4u]

Like SD, I have the opposite problem in FB. xMMs BS is friending many of my friends, I mean making NEW friends with my FB friends and it's only been a year. I get update notifications from her and comments on conversations I started with my friends. These people may or may not know about the A, it's a small town and my H did blast the news out to quite a few people. First I thought, I'd just ignore her until she started commenting on my comments.

 

What you do if you were in the situation, for now, I just blocked her. But I think it's creepy and obsessive. She was wearing an identical pair of earrings in her profile pic to. Not similar but identical. I'm sorry but that's just weird. H agrees to just block her.

 

So is this healing and moving on or inappropriate? I've gone out of my way to not friend her friends that we mutually know. I'll keep my conversations with them in the public, or private email. In the aftermath of making so many mistakes, I think it's just the right thing to do. All parties, keep their distance IMO!

 

 

I agree its a bit strange but I got totally bashed on the OW/OM forum when I started a thread about xMM's W texting me about my comment on MY myspace.....Ah well, must be normal eh:confused:

 

Chill out and ignore her, I have;)

[Stung]

You don't know my situation and I'm done on this thread. Flame away.

 

That's the biggest problem with LS, is it turns into an opportunity for those with displaced anger to lash out inappropriately at others. I came here with a situation that applies solely to me. Why I'm your target for anger about a betrayal that didn't involve you makes no sense to me.

 

Anyway just spent the last hour reading Mad Missions entire postings. Her stuff is golden!

 

 

Well, I have no displaced anger on this subject as I have never been a BS, yet I still think it's petty and kind of self-absorbed of you to be upset about some Facebook shenanigans after you slept with her husband. Granted, I don't think she's taking the most mature route to healing, but I can't say you didn't dig your own hole here, either. If it makes you that uncomfortable delete your account and start another one with a more select friends list, and be glad that all that appears to have happened on account of your actions, other than a lot of other people's pain, is that you got a little bit embarrassed and spooked on a computer social network site.

[Blindsidedagainalive]

Yes Stung....she is looking for validation here.

This is likely what got her into an affair in the first place.

 

She wants to be placated and agreed with.

How dare us to place her feet to the fire when we disagree!

 

I must admit that I was angered, but not at you having an affair.

It was the lack of compassion and understanding toward the OM's BS.

 

If you take accountability for your actions 100%, and show empathy toward ANY BS, you will be on your road to recovery.

[NoIDidn't]

So she's following you on FB. I think you should get over it. At least she's not sleeping with your H.

 

Its called consequences.

 

I don't think you are concerned about her well-being at all. It seems like you are worried sh*tless that she is going to spill the story to all of *your* friends. This thread is incorrectly named because there is no real concern for the BW here.

 

Amazing people think so little of the consequences of their actions. She should do this for as long as you were in an affair with her H, or until she gets tired of it.

 

Considering that you blocked her, I can't imagine what the real problem is other than your discomfort about your friends finding out.

[NoIDidn't]

I agree its a bit strange but I got totally bashed on the OW/OM forum when I started a thread about xMM's W texting me about my comment on MY myspace.....Ah well, must be normal eh:confused:

 

Chill out and ignore her, I have;)

 

 

Not true. You didn't get bashed on OW/OM for what you posted. You were called on the fact that you continue to be a factor in their life by breaking NC and that what she was doing was no worst than being lied to. You didn't get bashed by a long shot. You got good advice on ignoring her, and to actually step back and do actual NC.

 

But at least you took the advice to ignore her.