anne1707 Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 The BS and WS are responsible for the state of their marriage prior to the affair - but the responsibility for the affair lies completely with the WS. The OW/OM is also not to blame no matter how hard they chased after the WS (as sometimes seems to be used as an excuse). The WS still has the ability to say no if they really wanted to. The whole thing then just becomes one almighty mess because three people invariably means a total web of lies being told (mostly by the WS) and all being hurt. This is where the views of all those who are/have been involved in an affair (OW/OM, BS or WS) can be useful to someone whether in the Infidelity forum or the OW/OM forum. We have all been lied to, told the lies or know of the lies told.
jennie-jennie Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 Oh, I tend to forget it because it was so long ago, but one of PureInHeart's posts reminded me: I have been the WS on a couple of occasions too. So BTDT in every part of the triangle.
Author BlueeyedJonesy Posted January 31, 2010 Author Posted January 31, 2010 The BS and WS are responsible for the state of their marriage prior to the affair - but the responsibility for the affair lies completely with the WS. The OW/OM is also not to blame no matter how hard they chased after the WS (as sometimes seems to be used as an excuse). The WS still has the ability to say no if they really wanted to. The whole thing then just becomes one almighty mess because three people invariably means a total web of lies being told (mostly by the WS) and all being hurt. This is where the views of all those who are/have been involved in an affair (OW/OM, BS or WS) can be useful to someone whether in the Infidelity forum or the OW/OM forum. We have all been lied to, told the lies or know of the lies told. I'm sorry but this is the attitude I'm talking about...Why is it okay to pursue a married man?!!?! That’s like saying a person who overdoses on drugs is the only person responsible! no....the person distributing the drugs is responsible as well...the people sitting next to them doing the drugs with them. They all play a part just like in a marriage. I posted this because this is the attitude I am sick of. I DIDN'T have problems in my marriage...zip...zero..nada..but that didn't stop my H from unbuttoning his pants...If there were less women out there with the mentality of some of the women on this board then what would MM men do????? you mean they would actually have to follow through with the promise they made? you mean they would have to divorce if they weren't getting needs met! THEY DON'T HAVE TO work on their marriages, or talk about problems because there are plenty of women who are okay with being a Band-Aid.
anne1707 Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 (edited) Whoa! I never said it was OK to chase after a MM. But it's not like the OW forces the MM into having an affair. It is still HIS choice - it is HIS action and HE needs to accept responsibility for HIS infidelity. And as a former WS, this means to me that it was MY choice to start an affair and that MY actions hurt my H. It is all MY responsibility because it was ME who made the promise to my H, not the ex-OM. Edited January 31, 2010 by anne1707
realworldexplorer Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 The BS and WS are responsible for the state of their marriage prior to the affair - but the responsibility for the affair lies completely with the WS. The OW/OM is also not to blame no matter how hard they chased after the WS (as sometimes seems to be used as an excuse). The WS still has the ability to say no if they really wanted to. Unless the OW/OM did not know that MM/MW was married or committed to another, then they (OW/OM) are 50% responsible for the A and the harm done to however many people that are affected. There is just no way to deflect all the blame on to the married or committed person. If you are a OW/OM then you have a moral responsibility not to do intentional (or the risk of) serious psycological or even physical harm on to an unknowing and potentially innocent fellow human being. Anything else is pure RATIONALIZATION and DENIAL and is tantamount to evil purely for self interest and gratification. Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.
anne1707 Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 Anything else is pure RATIONALIZATION and DENIAL and is tantamount to evil purely for self interest and gratification. Do unto others as you would have others do unto you. If you read my posts, you will see that I am accepting responsibility for my actions.
realworldexplorer Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 If you read my posts, you will see that I am accepting responsibility for my actions. That is a good start Anne, maybe you GET IT now. But I think the frustration of the thread author (BEJ) is that a lot of OW/OM don't GET IT and hence the predicaments they are in and existence of this board. It is a very awful feeling to be blamed for something you had no Knowledge of and is untrue all to appease the guilt of another that wants to have something that is not theirs. Being a victim of someone elses twisted and wrong thinking is a helpless and hopeless spot to be in by no choice of your own. This is where some innocent people are taken as the result of infidelity and affairs. To have this position and suffering belittled or minimized by the perpetrator of the act is at the very least insulting and the very worst violent.
OWoman Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 Anything else is pure RATIONALIZATION and DENIAL and is tantamount to evil purely for self interest and gratification. Gosh! I guess that puts me in Hitler's league, then...
anne1707 Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 That is a good start Anne, maybe you GET IT now. I had got it before thank you .
anne1707 Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 To have this position and suffering belittled or minimized by the perpetrator of the act is at the very least insulting and the very worst violent. You seem to see the OW/OM as the perpetrator - what about the WS? This is the point I have been trying to make - if responsibility for the affair lies with any one individual then it is the WS. Note - that is a very big if as I do not see why the OW/OM should be taking all the responsibility for the WS's actions.
Klassywife Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 I don't quite get it either. Betrayed spouses need a protected site. And for those who call the BS's "bitter"! I would really like to see their reaction when it happens to them.
MARINE_ONE Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 I don't quite get it either. Betrayed spouses need a protected site. And for those who call the BS's "bitter"! I would really like to see their reaction when it happens to them. Great thing is that it will happen to them. I know if my ex or her new married boyfriend will not do the same to each other then they are in complete denial. Once a cheat always a cheat. I just hope I am around to laugh at them... Is that bitter? hahaha
Spark1111 Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 I don't quite get it either. Betrayed spouses need a protected site. And for those who call the BS's "bitter"! I would really like to see their reaction when it happens to them. I started a thread once on OW forum in an effort to promote healing between the two camps, asking how they would feel to discover their MW/MM had another OW/OM in addition to them: I believe the majority said they would kick him/her to the curb. Imagine that?
fooled once Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 The BS and WS are responsible for the state of their marriage prior to the affair - but the responsibility for the affair lies completely with the WS. The OW/OM is also not to blame no matter how hard they chased after the WS (as sometimes seems to be used as an excuse). The WS still has the ability to say no if they really wanted to. The whole thing then just becomes one almighty mess because three people invariably means a total web of lies being told (mostly by the WS) and all being hurt. This is where the views of all those who are/have been involved in an affair (OW/OM, BS or WS) can be useful to someone whether in the Infidelity forum or the OW/OM forum. We have all been lied to, told the lies or know of the lies told. But Anne, so many OW will state that the MM never lies to them. He lies to his wife, his children, his family, his friends, his co-workers, but never to them. To THEM he only tells the truth
anne1707 Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 But Anne, so many OW will state that the MM never lies to them. He lies to his wife, his children, his family, his friends, his co-workers, but never to them. To THEM he only tells the truth Well as I think you know from my previous posts, I lied to the ex-OM. It's all part of being a cake eater and I have felt bad about that - but nowhere near as bad as I have felt about the lies I told my H. At least the ex-OM had a choice about being one part of the triangle. My H didn't.
Spark1111 Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 Well as I think you know from my previous posts, I lied to the ex-OM. It's all part of being a cake eater and I have felt bad about that - but nowhere near as bad as I have felt about the lies I told my H. At least the ex-OM had a choice about being one part of the triangle. My H didn't. Anne, you know what? My fWS lied to me, and he lied to her. But I believe the gretest lies he told were to himself. And that is the part of the affair I do not get: The lies you must tell yourself to justify the cheating. I find it very, very, sad. And as a fBS, I find THAT very, very frightening.
realworldexplorer Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 You seem to see the OW/OM as the perpetrator - what about the WS? This is the point I have been trying to make - if responsibility for the affair lies with any one individual then it is the WS. Note - that is a very big if as I do not see why the OW/OM should be taking all the responsibility for the WS's actions. I never said that the OM take responsibility for WS it is a 50/50 proposition. In my case OM new all about me, new that I was married and then proceeded anyway. He is guilty as SIN and aided and abbetted my WS who was equally at fault. They both proceed together although, depending on circumstances, the risks each take may be unequal. It would seem that the more pathetic of the two would be the WS. Any way you look at it, it is a very bad thing with horrible life long consequences.
fooled once Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 Well as I think you know from my previous posts, I lied to the ex-OM. It's all part of being a cake eater and I have felt bad about that - but nowhere near as bad as I have felt about the lies I told my H. At least the ex-OM had a choice about being one part of the triangle. My H didn't. Oh, I know you have totally owned everything that you felt responsible for. I am amazed at how you have turned things around ((hug)) and the growth you have done. You are not 'the norm' if you know what I mean.
jennie-jennie Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 Hi, ..(this response is for the person that started the thread) I am new to forums, and I am learning alot. I was saying in another thread about how happy I was being in a relationship with a MM..but really, it's miserable..I know very little about the W. I doubt my MM's W is an awful person,.he says there is no spark, that its like living with a roommate..I am actually feeling really sad about all the pain this A is going to generate..UGH! the more I read..the closer I am to ending the A...and ending my curiosity of forums.. although helpful, they can be brutally offensive..and hurtful.. thanks S Stella, it is very easy to get overwhelmed when you are new to Loveshack. The posters here have firm beliefs about affairs and will be very persuasive in their opinions. Take a step back while you figure out what YOU think. MizFit's advice to you in the other thread was great. Hope to see you in the OW section. You do need a thick skin to be able to post on these forums though. Take care and remember you do have options as an OW: - to end the affair - to stay in the affair and be unhappy - to stay in the affair and be happy
Dexter Morgan Posted February 19, 2010 Posted February 19, 2010 the more I read..the closer I am to ending the A...and ending my curiosity of forums.. although helpful, they can be brutally offensive..and hurtful.. thanks S brutally offensive and hurtful? words on an internet forum? well, the truth is like that. but if you think words here are offensive and hurtful, try being in his wife's shoes. you, along with her husband, are being brutally offensive and hurtful.
Dexter Morgan Posted February 23, 2010 Posted February 23, 2010 Dexter...Are you stalking me? what? I respond to 2 of your posts and its stalking? methinks you flatter yourself too much.
seren Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 As a BS I think I am in a very different place emotionally and mentally than I was in the early days after D day. To have come onto a LS board where the AP didn't understand that I just needed to vent about my pain and hurt without a snippy or callous remark from a AP. Now, I wouldn't want to visit a BS protected board, simply because of those very same reasons. There are some really good discussions on the LS boards where both AP and BS contribute without falling into the 'I am better than ...'. or without my having to read about the lies told to enable the A to take place, or equally for the AP to read that the WS life at home was not the hell on earth portrayed. Saying that, there occasions when an AP comes on the boards to stir things up when I want to bitch and hurt back, and I imagine the AP feel much the same way when a BS cannot get past the blaming the AP and not their WS - but enjoy the debate between people and not necessarily simply based on the labels we give ourselves.
on1wheel Posted March 2, 2010 Posted March 2, 2010 I have only been on LS for a cpl of months now & am a BS BTW. I came here for help (hopefully) to get through my pain & feelings of betrayal. I find it hurtfull to see postings from OM or OW that show no remorse. I always thought "Infidelity" was more for BS's. Also, is there a list of the acronym's? Can't figure some out & have trouble with the message then.
jennie-jennie Posted March 2, 2010 Posted March 2, 2010 Also, is there a list of the acronym's? Can't figure some out & have trouble with the message then. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/faq.php?faq=messages#faq_acronyms Also, EMR = ExtraMarital Relationship
Dexter Morgan Posted March 2, 2010 Posted March 2, 2010 I have only been on LS for a cpl of months now & am a BS BTW. I came here for help (hopefully) to get through my pain & feelings of betrayal. I find it hurtfull to see postings from OM or OW that show no remorse. get use to it. did you really expect anything more from them? their standard tripe here at LS is that since they are not married to your spouse, they don't owe you a damn thing. I guess basic human decency isn't one of them.
Recommended Posts