NoIDidn't Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 Spark, I don't think that is true. My best friend had been tired of her SO for a long time, and was only having sex with him very sporadically. In came another woman. My best friend became very competitive and started to have sex with him very frequently - obviously hysterical bonding. This continued for a couple of months after the other woman was out of the picture. Then my BFF became as tired of him and having sex with him as before, thinking once again of ending the relationship. It was the competition and the marking of territory that had caused the hysterical bonding. I agree, mostly. I don't see it as love either. But I do see it as seeking to see if the bond can be re-established. Its been said that the length of the hysterical bonding also determines how successful the reconciliation will be.
White Flower Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 I agree, mostly. I don't see it as love either. But I do see it as seeking to see if the bond can be re-established. Its been said that the length of the hysterical bonding also determines how successful the reconciliation will be. What if the sex felt the same as masturbation? I suppose there is no hope that love exists at least for one of them?
jennie-jennie Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 She had hoped it was HB, but I think for it to be truly HB, both have to feel it. I'm sure it serves to strengthen the M/bond. Just want to clarify that in my friend's case both felt it. But once the hysterical bonding phase was over, her bond to her SO returned to being as weak as it had been before. It had served its purpose of getting him to leave the other woman, but nothing else had changed.
White Flower Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 Just want to clarify that in my friend's case both felt it. But once the hysterical bonding phase was over, her bond to her SO returned to being as weak as it had been before. It had served its purpose of getting him to leave the other woman, but nothing else had changed. This is an interesting point. I felt I was in HB during my exH's EA. It sure was freaky and he loved it, coming home to it nightly, but it did not save our M in the end. My guess is it was not true HB, at least not on his part. Maybe not even in mine. I was on a mission to save my M even if it wasn't worth saving. I just didn't know it then.
NoIDidn't Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 What if the sex felt the same as masturbation? I suppose there is no hope that love exists at least for one of them? I wasn't saying that there is no love from at least one of them. I just don't see HB as a loving gesture, exclusively. That's why I said its to see IF the bond can be re-established. Kind of like the sex that divorcees have. They often do it "one more time" just "to see" if there is anything left there, or for old time's sake. It doesn't mean an absence of love, just that love isn't the prime motivation. At least, that's my take on it.
Author BlueeyedJonesy Posted January 30, 2010 Author Posted January 30, 2010 so strange you ladies mention this HB and I was sitting here thinking...what is that? but I know exactly what it is and felt it for a month or so after dday. Sometimes it was so passionate I felt like crying at the end..lol
Sal Paradise Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 I am so ****ing sick of OW/OM coming here and saying whatever they damn well please but if one of us go to the OW/OM forum we are jumped! The OW/OM* who invade these forums do so in the same manner they invade other peoples marriages, families and homes. They like many seflish people who inhabit our society feel entitled to take whatever they want. In some cases thats a husband or a wife and in other cases its a forum. They're also painfully insecure and because of that they feel in order to excuse their own actions they must attack those who are similar to their victims (betrayed spouses). *I'm not talking about all OM/OW just the seflish, cowards who troll this forum by attacking Betrayed Spouses. It's also interesting how often they attempt to hijack threads (much in the same way they hijack other peoples marriages). They just can't stand it when they're not the center of attention.
White Flower Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 I wasn't saying that there is no love from at least one of them. I just don't see HB as a loving gesture, exclusively. That's why I said its to see IF the bond can be re-established. Kind of like the sex that divorcees have. They often do it "one more time" just "to see" if there is anything left there, or for old time's sake. It doesn't mean an absence of love, just that love isn't the prime motivation. At least, that's my take on it. Oh, I wasn't opposing you, just merely asking a question. I agree with everything you said, in fact. I was told that he had to see if there was anything there and the answer was no. He had to try. I guess I have to believe him because I did the same thing and found the same answer long ago with my exH.
jennie-jennie Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 This is an interesting point. I felt I was in HB during my exH's EA. It sure was freaky and he loved it, coming home to it nightly, but it did not save our M in the end. My guess is it was not true HB, at least not on his part. Maybe not even in mine. I was on a mission to save my M even if it wasn't worth saving. I just didn't know it then. My guess is that hysterical bonding is a desperate measure to save a marriage whether or not it is worth saving.
jennie-jennie Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 IMHO, ANY of us can post wherever we d*mn well please. We all have the option of ignoring or responding to the posts put out there. I'll be the first to admit I'm not one of the nicer posters on here. I was nicer back in the beginning, but got fed up with the rationalizations, justifications, accusations, etc. etc. I am much more jaded and cynical now. Some posts and/or posters still annoy the hell out of me, but I am working on it. What I try very hard to do is just take it as it comes. If I feel like ignoring it, I do, and if I feel like commenting, I do. What it comes down to is opinions and life experiences, and they aren't all going to be the same. I pretty much agree with what eeyore posted here. Unfortunately I too have become more jaded and cynical but in my case it is because of reading the posts of the BSs and reformed other women on LS. Still I prefer LS to any other forum because of the freedom of opinion and the free debate here.
OWoman Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 Kind of like the sex that divorcees have. They often do it "one more time" just "to see" if there is anything left there' date=' or for old time's sake. [/quote'] :eek: :eek: You type this as if it was NORMAL?!? I've heard of one or two people doing this, but I've always considered them as People With Issues (or at least, unfinished business) rather than it being the norm. I've certainly never had sex with anyone I've broken up with - whether a D or a dumped BF or even an ONS. There's a reason I dumped them, after all... and my memory is not THAT bad
Spark1111 Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 Just want to clarify that in my friend's case both felt it. But once the hysterical bonding phase was over, her bond to her SO returned to being as weak as it had been before. It had served its purpose of getting him to leave the other woman, but nothing else had changed. Hmmm...reclaiming due to love and passion? Competition? Or jealousy? Or selfishness? Under the guise of I don't really love him or her, but until I make up my mind, I don't want anyones else to have them either? That's different, IMHO. Also great sex is great sex...but that alone will not save a relationship unless many other factors, most of them emotional and true, are also in place.
Author BlueeyedJonesy Posted January 30, 2010 Author Posted January 30, 2010 My guess is that hysterical bonding is a desperate measure to save a marriage whether or not it is worth saving. I strongly disagree. Have you ever had a time in your life where one of your children, pets or close family members was sick or in an accident close to death?..and once you find out they are okay you cant stop hugging them and telling them how much you love them? that is what HB feels like to me. When your spouse has an A it feels just like a death....
White Flower Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 I strongly disagree. Have you ever had a time in your life where one of your children, pets or close family members was sick or in an accident close to death?..and once you find out they are okay you cant stop hugging them and telling them how much you love them? that is what HB feels like to me. When your spouse has an A it feels just like a death.... This is true and a good comparison but when it comes to matters of the heart in a romantic R one can find out that hysterical bonding does not necessarily repair a damaged R.
Author BlueeyedJonesy Posted January 30, 2010 Author Posted January 30, 2010 This is true and a good comparison but when it comes to matters of the heart in a romantic R one can find out that hysterical bonding does not necessarily repair a damaged R. But why is it about repairing? Its about Bonding...and rejoicing that two people who love eachother realize the hurt one of them has caused and like someone else said the endorphins that are realeased are like no other. Sex doesn't repair a marriage.
White Flower Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 But why is it about repairing? Its about Bonding...and rejoicing that two people who love eachother realize the hurt one of them has caused and like someone else said the endorphins that are realeased are like no other. Sex doesn't repair a marriage.Endorphins are released no matter what kind of sex is had . Apologies can be truly made and heartfelt but the 'bonding' in HB does not necessarily make for a lasting bond unfortunately. It is very romantic and idealistic, but the many examples on this thread demonstrate that the bond in that moment doesn't always hold.
anne1707 Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 My H and I went through a period of HB and in some ways we were both relieved when that phase ended. It all felt too intense and raw at times as we were both in such highly emotional states following Dday. It was only afterwards that we could actually start thinking about whether we really wanted to work on our marriage or not.
jennie-jennie Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 I wonder where the term "hysterical bonding" comes from. Does anybody know? Or is it just a term used on infidelity sites? That's the only place I find it when I google the term. And it is not used in any of the books I have about infidelity.
NoIDidn't Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 I pretty much agree with what eeyore posted here. Unfortunately I too have become more jaded and cynical but in my case it is because of reading the posts of the BSs and reformed other women on LS. Still I prefer LS to any other forum because of the freedom of opinion and the free debate here. What justifications, rationalizations, excuses, etc.. do the BSs and reformed OW use here? Just asking. We might agree on what you see. I'm not jaded to it, I just accept that I won't be able to really dialog with that person because of their pretty locked in opinions and assumptions about me and my intentions in posting, whether wrong or right.
NoIDidn't Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 :eek: :eek: You type this as if it was NORMAL?!? I've heard of one or two people doing this, but I've always considered them as People With Issues (or at least, unfinished business) rather than it being the norm. I've certainly never had sex with anyone I've broken up with - whether a D or a dumped BF or even an ONS. There's a reason I dumped them, after all... and my memory is not THAT bad :laugh: :laugh: I think its ridiculous too. Once broken up for good, I'm not interested in sex with an 'ex' ever again. I did type as if its normal, just not normal for me. You hear something often enough IRL or in forums like these, you just accept it for what it is.
NoIDidn't Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 I wonder where the term "hysterical bonding" comes from. Does anybody know? Or is it just a term used on infidelity sites? That's the only place I find it when I google the term. And it is not used in any of the books I have about infidelity. I think it came from the Surviving Infidelity site. This is the only place that I've seen it too. I've never seen it in any of the books that I've read either. I don't think every couple does it, honestly.
Spark1111 Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 I think it came from the Surviving Infidelity site. This is the only place that I've seen it too. I've never seen it in any of the books that I've read either. I don't think every couple does it' date=' honestly.[/quote'] There is also literature that refers to it on the BAN network (Beyond Affairs Network).
bentnotbroken Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 Seems like I read in Dr. Dodson's book. I can't be sure though. I read so many trying to get answers.
fooled once Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 I find this site VERY helpful because you get to see both sides...but I honestly think there are a few women on here who should think before they type..its sad that there are OW/OM who have no remorse or sympathy for the BS..and its those very few people that cause most of the bitterness in the BS. We have every reason to be bitter ya know? I did nothing wrong in my marriage..I'm clean, loving, honest, sexually adventerous, loyal, cook ALL the time..and take care of my H and children emotionally. That didn't stop him from telling his OW how horrible and pathetic I was...there are 2 sides to everything, do you have to be so cold???????? Excellent post. I wholeheartedly agree with you. And it is those OW who complain about the BS's being in "their' forum who come over to this section and take jabs. I don't get why some post "you must be a BS" ...does it freaking matter what "side" you are on? Why do so many want to blame the BS for the cheater's action? The only one responsible for cheating is the CHEATER. Excellent post!
jennie-jennie Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 Excellent post. I wholeheartedly agree with you. And it is those OW who complain about the BS's being in "their' forum who come over to this section and take jabs. I don't get why some post "you must be a BS" ...does it freaking matter what "side" you are on? Why do so many want to blame the BS for the cheater's action? The only one responsible for cheating is the CHEATER. Excellent post! I for one am not blaming the BS for the WS' action. I am appalled by the behavior and opinions of many BSs and reformed OWs on the OW/OM forum. I have been the BS for many years myself, and I do sincerely hope that if I would have joined LS at that time my postings would have been like some of the more reflective BSs here on LS.
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