Anonymous99 Posted December 31, 2003 Posted December 31, 2003 Can I firstly just start this off with a 'i am really confused' statement. Rundown ----------- Me - 27 y.o. male My fiancee - 23 y.o female Friend - 23 y.o female Her fiancee - 28 y.o. male I am 27 and have been engaged for about a year, we have one child who is 2 years old. We are due to get married late February 04. I have never felt anything else apart from this is the girl I want to marry ... until recently. Roughly a two months ago my fiancee started a new friendship with a girl. Now this new friend is also currently engaged to a guy and they have a daughter nearly 1, and they are due to be married November 04. I met this new friend a couple of times, didnt really know a lot about her but liked her (not in a sexual way). This December, her fiancee went away for 3 weeks (he works away a lot, every couple of months he is away for 2 or 3 weeks at a time). We invited her over for dinner one Sunday night, however my fiancee works on the w/e so she wasnt around but her friend came over early afternoon with a few beers. We sat and talked, watched a movie etc. As time went on that day (and due to the alcohol), the conversation turned to being a little bit of complaining about each's fiancee. My fiancee and her fiancee are similar in the fact that they are quite quiet people and not very outgoing, and we are the opposite. We have fun and like to go out quite a lot. I didnt really think anything of it, but I could tell there was a little bit of flirting going on. The weekend following we invited her over for drinks again. Same situation as before except something quite strange happened - we kissed, not once not twice but over the space of about 6 hours! I dont really know why, all I know is that it felt good. That night my fiancee fell asleep on the couch and left to our own devices things went on from there. We actually ended up making love that night! (she actually came prepared for this!) Now this is where the confusion lies, she has mentioned to me that she is still only with her financee because of their daughter, and I feel the same also. We have a strong connection, I think about her a lot when she is not around and would always like her to be around, and she also thinks about me a lot when I am not with her. We have spoken a bit about what has happened and I know she wants me as much as I want her. I know this is bad, but I am having quite strong feeling towards the friend, and I dont really know why. Is it because it is something new? more like me? HELP!
Skittles Posted December 31, 2003 Posted December 31, 2003 The weekend following we invited her over for drinks again. Same situation as before except something quite strange happened - we kissed, not once not twice but over the space of about 6 hours! I dont really know why, all I know is that it felt good. That night my fiancee fell asleep on the couch and left to our own devices things went on from there. We actually ended up making love that night! (she actually came prepared for this!) Now this is where the confusion lies... Yowza!...Anon...no confusion about it. Both you and your new lover have to cancel your respective wedding plans..No rice in 2004.. Good Luck breaking your engagements. Oh and it may be safe to say that these girls won't be friends much longer..
AllyKat Posted December 31, 2003 Posted December 31, 2003 Oh Im sure this girl looks great to you, I mean the grass always looks greener on the other side. I honestly have to say, Im in utter shock that you would betray your fiancee by sleeping with her friend while she is asleep. Why didnt you just put the pillow over her face and kill two birds with one stone? Why is it you are engaged to a woman you say you love as well as this other girl who says she is in love with her guy, yet you both seemed to NOT be able to control your so called desire? Please do your girl a favor, dont get married to her. How do you feel about this new girl of yours cheating on her fiancee? I mean come on, do you NOT just look upon sexual desire. You have a child, but you have betrayed her as well. Act like an adult, get rid of your girl is she is standing in the way of your great sexual desire. Not only have you put the knife in your girlfriends back but dont marry her so you can twist the knife. Let her go, she doesnt deserve a guy who would cheat on her with a friend and screw the friend while she sleeps. Then, you stay single, its obvious you do not know what being faithful means. Sexual desire, was it worth killing your girl over? Cause she will feel CRAPPY!
Anonymous99 Posted January 1, 2004 Posted January 1, 2004 Yeah, OK, sure it sounds really bad. The thing is, I never had any of this before she came along. I was very much committed to my fiancee and didnt even look at other women. I do love my fiancee, and I wouldn't leave her, but I guess it is about forbidden fruit and the challenge and thrill of another. I know she has feelings for me and we have discussed what happened quite a few times. But since we did sleep with each other (now over 2 weeks ago), we haven't done anything since, but have seen each other quite a few times. I think part of her reasoning is because of her fiancee being away quite a bit and she does crave attention. I know it is not an excuse but I am trying to figure out in my head exactly what I am feeling and trying to work out why I did it. Most of the reason why she is staying with her fiancee is because of their daughter, she has told me this many times. She does love him, and they have been together for about 5 years, and before she got pregnant last year, she was going to break it off with him.
AllyKat Posted January 1, 2004 Posted January 1, 2004 Yeah sure. Im sorry but you have both stated you do not want to break it off with your fiancees. Now, what makes you think you are deserving of these people? I mean you are chasing thrills and such. Think for a minute, think of your fiancees face, right now, as she finds out what you have done. Is this thrill worth it? She wanted to leave her fiancee before she got pregnant...so, she didnt. That isnt her fiancees problem. Yes, it is easier to say, but this is the truth. LEARN, GROW, dont sit there reading this fooling yourself to think what has happened is okay. Its not! You need to let your girlfriend go if its other woman that thrill you, not her. The chase and thrill only lasts so long my friend, before reality sets in.
Thinkalot Posted January 1, 2004 Posted January 1, 2004 I think AllyKat is right. Try and really improve your behaviour from now on, whether you stay with your fiance, or leave. Cheating is never OK. And you aren't even married yet! I understand all sorts of things can motivate people to do things and lust/attraction/thrill can have a strong pull, but the importance of being loyal and trustworthy cannot be overstated. Trust is such a big thing in relationships. And it is very hard to repair once broken.
Anonymous99 Posted January 1, 2004 Posted January 1, 2004 I hear what you are saying, but I want to make it clear that this is not entirely sexual. When I see her, I dont immediately think of grabbing her and having sex with her, I like her company and I guess I like the flirting. I have had opportunities to have sex with her on more than one occasion since, but have not gone through with it ... does that say something? My relationship isnt perfect with my fiancee, far from it. We have been together for four years and have a son who is two. We have been through a lot together, and it has not crossed my mind to leave her for this other woman.
clearingclouds Posted January 1, 2004 Posted January 1, 2004 Would you regret not exploring your relationship further with the other woman? And would she (the other woman) regret not exploring a relationship with you further?
Anonymous99 Posted January 2, 2004 Posted January 2, 2004 You know, if you asked me that a couple of days ago I probably would of said yes and no. I would regret not knowing what she was thinking, but it hasn't crossed my mind to have a relationship with her (ie. leaving my fiancee). Now however, I know where she stands, and she is very confused. On one hand she wants to, but she doesn't want to (and this is what she has told me) because she is nervous and scared of being caught. I must emphasise here that she never mentioned her fiancee as a reason not to.
toots307 Posted January 6, 2004 Posted January 6, 2004 Boy oh boy what a lucky girl your fiancee is - she gets to marry a deceitful jerk plus she has a nice little backstabbing witch as a friend - where does a person get to sign up for relationships like this cause I wanna be first in line!! You are doing the WRONG thing. I don't care what the heck you feel for either woman - you don't know what marriage is all about and you have no right to marry that woman. You need to tell her ASAP everything that has been going on behind her back and you need to tell her honestly. Don't say 'honey I messed up but nothing's happening anymore and I'm so sorry bla bla bla". Tell her 'I shagged your new sexy friend after you went to bed the other night and your friend even planned on doing me that night.' Then, after you've been honest, show her your posts - let her see how 'confused' you are. If she still wants you then good luck to her but I'd kick you to the curb. I just find it so sickening to hear over and over again about these people who think they can just walk into other people's lives and turn them upside down, backstab and lie etc. and then try to get sympathy from other people because they don't know what to do. Here's what you do: BE A MAN - TELL THE TRUTH - LEAVE YOUR FIANCEE - ENJOY THE PALM TWINS FOR AWHILE - GET TO KNOW YOURSELF AND BECOME SOMEONE THAT A DECENT WOMAN DESERVES.
toots307 Posted January 6, 2004 Posted January 6, 2004 Oh - and staying with someone 'because of the kids' is a crock of crap. What kind of values do you want your child to grow up with?? Would you like the child to learn that's it's ok to have sex with someone behind mommy's back?
reservoirdog1 Posted January 12, 2004 Posted January 12, 2004 but I want to make it clear that this is not entirely sexual. When I see her, I dont immediately think of grabbing her and having sex with her, I like her company and I guess I like the flirting. I have had opportunities to have sex with her on more than one occasion since, but have not gone through with it ... does that say something? That, and fifty other great ways to justify infidelity. The simple fact is, you're cheating on your fiancee. Grow some balls and choose one woman or the other. Don't string your fiancee along, secretly screwing her friend (while your fiancee is asleep in the next room, no less) and think that just because there's some higher, deeper, not-totally-sexual connection that it somehow makes it all OK. It doesn't. If this means breaking it off with your fiancee, then DO IT already. You've already hurt her, though she doesn't know it, and it sounds like you're perfectly willing to hurt her again. Do her the favour and the courtesy of at least being honest with her. Frankly, I hope you and the friend wind up together. You're both cheaters, so you probably deserve each other.
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