bentnotbroken Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 I know I am competitive. But not just with women. I have always wanted to succeed at whatever I try to do....didn't happen that way of course:o. I think there are several factors that drive me, gender, race, culture, geographical region, and now age. All I need to be told is I can't, then I want to......rrrrreeeeaaaalllllyyyyy badly. Relationships seem to be the one thing I don't want to compete in. Especially with another woman. I did that crap in HS and it was nerve racking and ended up with more than one incident that I would like to forget.
sally4sara Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 And I do believe that some women are into the competition of attracting married men, not necessarily because of the man, but rather because he is married. Some prefer MM because of not wanting commitment, true. But I believe there is often a competitive factor as well. JMO - comments? I do see this element too. What I've seen as the common theme of the women who purposely pursue MM is that, at some poin in their lives, they were passed over by someone they really loved or admired. It left a hole in their psyche. One that compells them to seek to not just be chosen by a man, but to be chosen OVER someone else. They need to TAKE from someone to feel they accomplished something. They want to create the same emotions they felt in someone else. They are usually the ones who subscribe to the thought that if the wife had been doing her job as a woman, the man wouldn't be with them, because deep down, whoever left them made them feel like it was something they did or didn't do to cause it.
HappyAtLast Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 It is a rare person that enjoys being "bested" by another. It is human nature to experience the feelings of "what does he/she have that I do not?" That, on its own, creates a sort of competition.
angie2443 Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 Yes, I agree. A financially stable MM is a true prize because a) he demonstrates that he has the emotional wherewithal to be in a long-term relationship with one woman... and b) he demonstrates the ability to financially provide for his clan. Evolutionary biologists would label him an alpha male, and that makes him extremely desirable to all women. They would compete with each other to attain him. I disagree with the above, at least to the extent that I don't think most women want to obtain an already married man. Bieng able to be in a healthy long term relationship and support one's family are attractive qualities, yes. However, once the MM cheats, those qualities start diminishing. While I might find a MM attractive and enjoy it if he notices me, if he starts comming on to me, then the attraction is lost. I think many women would agree. It's hard to get a good sampling here on LS, especially on the infidelity board or the OM/OW board. Everyone here is either cheating or bieng cheated on or has had the experience. I imagine that there are plenty of supportive women out there who don't compete with other in such unhealthy ways.
Woman In Blue Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 I will NEVER, even if I live 1,000 years, understand the supposed "logic" in choosing a married man to have sex with because "you're not seeking commitment." There are PLENTY of single guys out there looking for FWB relationships. PLENTY. Join ANY dating site - you can't swing a dead cat around without hitting thousands of guys just looking for a cheap thrill - with no strings attached. Seriously - do these women who claim they prefer married men "because they don't want a commitment" honestly think they're so damned wonderful that a single guy will fall madly for them even though he only originally wanted an FWB situation? LOL. Please. I'm not a BW, but I'd gouge my eyes out before wasting my time with a married liar.
crazycatlady Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 I think women compete more emotionally then men do. I just dealt with this over parenting of all things with someone I use to sometimes hang out with. She just started attacking my parenting for no reason, and when called on it just went crazy and not in a good way. It got ugly fast, and yeah there was a part of me that was glad that relationship was over and I have a good reason to never see or speak to her again because I wasn't that fond of her and she and her husband never got the hint we weren't interesting in hanging out, the other part of me regrets not posting just as mean and nasty back. Women don't fight to win, women fight to draw blood. Or so it seems. I don't think all affairs are like that, but some sure are. CCL
fooled once Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 So, I was reading another thread and realized that I was interested enough in this topic to start a thread. In my opinion, women are a very competitive lot. I work almost totally with men, so possibly I see the competition between women in a little different light - but when I'm placed into a temporary location/position for a few weeks/months and interact mostly with women instead of men, it's always a huge adjustment as the competition can be most uncomfortable. Though I think the WS "put" the OW & BS into competition with each other in a specific relationship, basically I believe that many (most?) women are simply competitive - for many things but often for the attention of men. My husband and I have gone to parties and I'll watch (some) other women and how they approach my husband. They are definitely in "competition" with me for his attention. He hasn't done a blessed thing, other than be there. He says this never happens when I'm not around... (obviously I only have his word for this - as I'm not around to see it ). And I do believe that some women are into the competition of attracting married men, not necessarily because of the man, but rather because he is married. Some prefer MM because of not wanting commitment, true. But I believe there is often a competitive factor as well. JMO - comments? I completely agree with you. And what is so funny is that both of these women are fighting over a cheating liar Like he is some great prize. I work with mainly men and I much prefer it. Women are so competitive, so jealous, so snarky, so petty.... I have several good close female friends and we all have thought the same thing about women. Women seem to bring drama, are two faced and are quick to stab the 'competition' in the back. It is pretty sad, actually
fooled once Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 What a great topic! I have noticed in life and on LS that there are plenty women out there that are what I like to call "man-eaters" they prey upon married men because well...there are reasons he is unavailable and they like the thrill...the thought of a man who is supposed to have eyes for one woman only, lusting over them. It makes them feel powerful, especially over the W. I have seen this a lot and I think it has to do with something missing in them. As far as women competing over petty stuff...oooooh yes. They do it all the time. I used to be so headstrong, confident and ABSOLUTELY never saw anyone as competition till my H started breaking me down emotionally...EA...Porn...Stripclubs...then I started having a complex...now everything is a competition. I am officially one of those "it’s not just about what’s inside, it’s outside too". That’s why I say women who feel the need to constantly compete, something is broken. JMHO Excellent post!!
Spark1111 Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 I completely agree with you. And what is so funny is that both of these women are fighting over a cheating liar Like he is some great prize. I work with mainly men and I much prefer it. Women are so competitive, so jealous, so snarky, so petty.... I have several good close female friends and we all have thought the same thing about women. Women seem to bring drama, are two faced and are quick to stab the 'competition' in the back. It is pretty sad, actually I agree. this supports the sociologist view: We are, or perceive we are the lesser class in having less power; therefore we fight amongst ourselves, and compete within the class jockeying for advantages.
fooled once Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 I've never felt the need to compete for my H's affection or attention. It can come across to some as me taking him for granted, but its just a level of security I have in myself and in our relationship. I feel the same way. It doesn't even cross my mind that my H would cheat because that is NOT his character at all. I have to remind myself sometimes to make sure he knows how much I love him because I never want him to feel taken for granted and I think every person (male or female) likes to know that their spouse is still about them and that they make their juices flow I have absolute faith in him because of who he is -- and that is why I love him the way I do.
JoyDevine Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 I will NEVER, even if I live 1,000 years, understand the supposed "logic" in choosing a married man to have sex with because "you're not seeking commitment." There are PLENTY of single guys out there looking for FWB relationships. PLENTY. Join ANY dating site - you can't swing a dead cat around without hitting thousands of guys just looking for a cheap thrill - with no strings attached. Seriously - do these women who claim they prefer married men "because they don't want a commitment" honestly think they're so damned wonderful that a single guy will fall madly for them even though he only originally wanted an FWB situation? LOL. Please. I'm not a BW, but I'd gouge my eyes out before wasting my time with a married liar. THANK YOU!! I have been thinking these EXACT same thoughts since I started reading here. Do people who say this REALLY believe it??? Do they think the people who READ it really believe it? Because it make no sense. It is a clear self-deception. It's so easy to "get laid" if you're a woman. It really is. And with no commitment necessary. When someone says this it is just pure and obvious denial. It IS about competition, or the thrill of the forbidden, it ISN'T about commitment free sex. Men are not women, they're not going to fall in love with you just because you sleep with them. (i know, i know, women won't necessarily either...)
Spark1111 Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 Yabutt... she will NEVER know... we are being extremely careful... if they get caught.. it certainly won't be MY fault... the MM will have done something stupid... but so far.. we take extreme care to cover up.. and methink those Ws are happier than before. Lizzie.....do me a favor: Mention to just one of them and do so convincingly....that maybe his wife is happier now because she has some young stud servicing her in every way imaginable sexually.... And just watch the look of horror on his face as his world comes c r a s h i n g d n ow :p:p I double-dare ya! What is good for the gander, is never good for the goose! Why? Because that would upset his feelings of power and control:p and male supremacy. maybe, just maybe, the W loves sex, just not the same 'ole, same 'ole with HIM! Bj, intercouse.... 10 minutes to Wapner, 10 minutes to Wapner! BOOOOOOORRRRRRIIIINNNGGGGG! I'm not criticizing you Lizzie. You own your choices and you fill a neccessary void: the void of the male ego that thinks his way is the only way to sexual fulfillment. Why are so many women having EAs that lead to PAs? Because 10 minutes to Wapner doesn't cut it for the average woman: She is bored out of her mind!
Lizzie60 Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 Lizzie.....do me a favor: Mention to just one of them and do so convincingly....that maybe his wife is happier now because she has some young stud servicing her in every way imaginable sexually.... And just watch the look of horror on his face as his world comes c r a s h i n g d n ow :p:p I double-dare ya! What is good for the gander, is never good for the goose! Why? Because that would upset his feelings of power and control:p and male supremacy. maybe, just maybe, the W loves sex, just not the same 'ole, same 'ole with HIM! Bj, intercouse.... 10 minutes to Wapner, 10 minutes to Wapner! BOOOOOOORRRRRRIIIINNNGGGGG! I'm not criticizing you Lizzie. You own your choices and you fill a neccessary void: the void of the male ego that thinks his way is the only way to sexual fulfillment. Why are so many women having EAs that lead to PAs? Because 10 minutes to Wapner doesn't cut it for the average woman: She is bored out of her mind! Well.. maybe she has a young stud.. who knows? that could be why he's so deprived.. but to be honest.. I very much doubt it.. because I know that women can be much more faithful than men.. and again .. to be honest.. I don't give a hoot if the Ws have young studs on the side.. good for them!!! With most.. we have joked around about that... they all come up with the same thing: Good for her.. or I don't give a damn..
Lizzie60 Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 I completely agree with you. And what is so funny is that both of these women are fighting over a cheating liar Like he is some great prize. I work with mainly men and I much prefer it. Women are so competitive, so jealous, so snarky, so petty.... I have several good close female friends and we all have thought the same thing about women. Women seem to bring drama, are two faced and are quick to stab the 'competition' in the back. It is pretty sad, actually I never had to fight for any MM.. I just don't want them..
Spark1111 Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 I do see this element too. What I've seen as the common theme of the women who purposely pursue MM is that, at some poin in their lives, they were passed over by someone they really loved or admired. It left a hole in their psyche. One that compells them to seek to not just be chosen by a man, but to be chosen OVER someone else. They need to TAKE from someone to feel they accomplished something. They want to create the same emotions they felt in someone else. They are usually the ones who subscribe to the thought that if the wife had been doing her job as a woman, the man wouldn't be with them, because deep down, whoever left them made them feel like it was something they did or didn't do to cause it. Unfortunately, I've just come to realize i lived this scenario. And this supports the evolutionary biologist's view: Many women compete for the alpha male, one who has demonstrated his relationship EQ ability to be in an exclusive relationship with one female, and has provided well for his clan. Whatever their personal motivations may be. Don't flame me for this, but an adversarial relationship with daddy, the FIRST male in their life, can lead women to seek sexual and emotional validation with a strong male, or any male kinder or more validating to them than daddy was. That is the psychology behind poor partner choices or choosing unstable relationships. The same is true for men, and the greatest indicator of a man's stability in a long-term relationship with a member of the opposite sex is the stability and phsychosexual health of the relationship with his mother. How daddy treated her will be the standard to which all men will be compared. If daddy gave her crumbs and made her feel as if she deserved less than growing up....she has the psychological make-up to become a competitive, insecure woman for the positive attention of men....any man.
greengoddess Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 What competition. The ow knows he's married the wife is normally clueless. The ow may be in competition but the wife sure doesn't even know she's been challenged. When the wife knows in most cases she tells him to choose me or her. If he wants to speak with HER he is kicked to the curb. Buit of course the married man continues to lie says he is done with HER and wants the marriage to work. Again the wife is not in competition. She is led to believe he chose the marriage. While the ow continues to sneak around knowing full well he told his wife he is working on the marriage. Again the ow is in competition and the wife is clueless. No competition and if there is one it certainly isn't played fairly.
Spark1111 Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 What competition. The ow knows he's married the wife is normally clueless. The ow may be in competition but the wife sure doesn't even know she's been challenged. When the wife knows in most cases she tells him to choose me or her. If he wants to speak with HER he is kicked to the curb. Buit of course the married man continues to lie says he is done with HER and wants the marriage to work. Again the wife is not in competition. She is led to believe he chose the marriage. While the ow continues to sneak around knowing full well he told his wife he is working on the marriage. Again the ow is in competition and the wife is clueless. No competition and if there is one it certainly isn't played fairly. I agree. I was in a competition I KNEW NOTHING ABOUT. For reason of male ego, he placed me there (unknowingly) but she knew and used it to her advantage. "My wife, she doesn't care, we never have sex (hahaha!) I'm just a paycheckto her and the kids....blah, blah, blah...." So she now tries to be the better woman in a competition he has placed her in, but the BS knows nothing about!
Spark1111 Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 I disagree with the above, at least to the extent that I don't think most women want to obtain an already married man. Bieng able to be in a healthy long term relationship and support one's family are attractive qualities, yes. However, once the MM cheats, those qualities start diminishing. While I might find a MM attractive and enjoy it if he notices me, if he starts comming on to me, then the attraction is lost. I think many women would agree. It's hard to get a good sampling here on LS, especially on the infidelity board or the OM/OW board. Everyone here is either cheating or bieng cheated on or has had the experience. I imagine that there are plenty of supportive women out there who don't compete with other in such unhealthy ways. Oh, I totally agree! Most women I know would not touch a "committed" man with a ten-foot pole. Too distasteful! But google mate-poaching and read the definitive study that caused all the buzz: Men get: an ego-boost, a sexually attractive partner, absolutely NO demands to share responsibilities from the partner, and if anything, she makes no material demands initially. For women: a "proven" partner, sexual validation, eventual sharing of of HIS financial resources, an increase in self-esteem, and unlike men.... An increase in empowerment from haviing "won" the man away from another woman! It's very technical...but stay with it. Women? Oh yeah, some are VERY competitive when it come's to attaining and securing an alpha male whether he be attached (married) or not.
OWoman Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 I do see this element too. What I've seen as the common theme of the women who purposely pursue MM is that, at some poin in their lives, they were passed over by someone they really loved or admired. It left a hole in their psyche. One that compells them to seek to not just be chosen by a man, but to be chosen OVER someone else. They need to TAKE from someone to feel they accomplished something. They want to create the same emotions they felt in someone else. They are usually the ones who subscribe to the thought that if the wife had been doing her job as a woman, the man wouldn't be with them, because deep down, whoever left them made them feel like it was something they did or didn't do to cause it. Then again, for some of us it may have to do with our experience of always having gotten who we want, so we develop a sense of that the world is ours for the taking (if we want it)? And because (despite what some posters claim about SGs and their "suitability" to women who don't want "commitment") SGs' agendas are too misaligned for our purposes, "what we want" shifts to MMs and we don't even stop to consider their BWs because, well, "obstacles" have never really existed for us in the past so the notion is not really concrete for us.
SleepingDog Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 I once new a girl who was having an affair who said she found it sexually arousing if she knew a man had children. It had a magnetic draw on her, she claimed. I don't know if she is an exception, but I get more women making eye contact when I am walking with my child than without. I find that slightly disturbing.
sally4sara Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 Then again, for some of us it may have to do with our experience of always having gotten who we want, so we develop a sense of that the world is ours for the taking (if we want it)? And because (despite what some posters claim about SGs and their "suitability" to women who don't want "commitment") SGs' agendas are too misaligned for our purposes, "what we want" shifts to MMs and we don't even stop to consider their BWs because, well, "obstacles" have never really existed for us in the past so the notion is not really concrete for us. Mmmmm, this would describe a sociopath.
greengoddess Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 Mmmmm, this would describe a sociopath. wow I think it may. That was truly a chilling post to read.
OWoman Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 Mmmmm, this would describe a sociopath. Who knows? I've never met a sociopath. But that theory (the one I tossed out) is as plausible as the one about the OWs who became OWs because they were dumped. Not all OWs are victims. Some choose that option from a position of strength, not weakness.
NoIDidn't Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 Who knows? I've never met a sociopath. But that theory (the one I tossed out) is as plausible as the one about the OWs who became OWs because they were dumped. Not all OWs are victims. Some choose that option from a position of strength, not weakness. A perceived position of strength. That post was very chilling, I have to agree with the other ladies. If someone I knew IRL said something like that, I would avoid them like the plague. It just screamed "doesn't play well with others". LOL.
JoyDevine Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 Mmmmm, this would describe a sociopath. wow I think it may. That was truly a chilling post to read. I agree. It sounds pathological. Not sure about sociopath. This is from the wiki on Narcissism" Entitlement - Narcissists hold unreasonable expectations of particularly favorable treatment and automatic compliance because they consider themselves uniquely special. Any failure to comply will be considered an attack on their superiority and the perpetrator is considered to be an "awkward" or "difficult" person. Defiance of their will is a narcissistic injury that can trigger narcissistic rage.Exploitation - can take many forms but always involves the using of others without regards for their feelings or interests. Often the other is in a subservient position where resistance would be difficult or even impossible. Sometimes the subservience is not so much real as assumed.Bad Boundaries - narcissists do not recognize that they have boundaries and that others are separate and are not extensions of themselves. Others either exist to meet their needs or may as well not exist at all. Those who provide narcissistic supply to the narcissist will be treated as if they are part of the narcissist and be expected to live up to those expectations. In the mind of a narcissist, there is no boundary between self and other.
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