Another Lonely Night...

[USMCHokie]

As each day passes, I feel like I'm growing emotionally stronger, yet I also feel more alone than ever...I keep wondering whether my 'strong' side is just a mask for lies beneath...

 

I still fall asleep every night to the same playlist...the same music I listened to months ago to help me get to sleep when the wounds were still fresh...perhaps I've grown accustomed to the routine...but at least it doesn't hurt as much anymore...

 

I sometimes wonder to myself whether I really have healed at all after all this time...I know I'm beyond that point where I'd be tempted to do stupid sh*t and break NC...but at the same time, it feels like my mind is ready to race forward while my heart doesn't want to budge...it's sort of an emotional limbo...

 

I feel like "The Man Who Can't Be Moved"... (song by The Script)

 

 

Going back to the corner where I first saw you,

Gonna camp in my sleeping bag, I'm not gonna move.

Got some words on cardboard, got your picture in my hand,

Saying if you see this girl, can you tell her where I am?

 

Some try to hand me money, they don't understand,

I'm not broke, I'm just a broken-hearted man.

I know it makes no sense, what else can I do?

How can I move on when I'm still in love with you...?

[JaneDoe35]

As each day passes, I feel like I'm growing emotionally stronger, yet I also feel more alone than ever...I keep wondering whether my 'strong' side is just a mask for lies beneath...

 

I still fall asleep every night to the same playlist...the same music I listened to months ago to help me get to sleep when the wounds were still fresh...perhaps I've grown accustomed to the routine...but at least it doesn't hurt as much anymore...

 

I sometimes wonder to myself whether I really have healed at all after all this time...I know I'm beyond that point where I'd be tempted to do stupid sh*t and break NC...but at the same time, it feels like my mind is ready to race forward while my heart doesn't want to budge...it's sort of an emotional limbo...

 

I feel like "The Man Who Can't Be Moved"... (song by The Script)

 

 

Going back to the corner where I first saw you,

Gonna camp in my sleeping bag, I'm not gonna move.

Got some words on cardboard, got your picture in my hand,

Saying if you see this girl, can you tell her where I am?

 

Some try to hand me money, they don't understand,

I'm not broke, I'm just a broken-hearted man.

I know it makes no sense, what else can I do?

How can I move on when I'm still in love with you...?

 

I know how you feel...I am concentrating on what the hell I am going to do with my home/my daughters education etc. But underneath I think I am still so incredibly hurt that I don't even want to think about it anymore. Too scared. I also feel very alone even though I have an amazing support network through my family/friends.

 

I imagine that you are healing but still have a way to go. Because you are taking your time and working through your grief correctly you should come out the other side really well.

 

Lovely lyrics by the way.

[coltsfan1]

I understand your pain, I have been living with the same situation. WE have to do whatever helps us continue on if you have to listen to the same playlist the do it. You will wake up one day and not need it im sure of it.

[Patrice]

I've been out since last March with the marriage dying a slow death for about 5 years before March. This whole experience is like moving through a tunnel ... the routine - to just keep going - the instrospection time and the solitude (which many don't understand). I can tell you I'm nearing the end of that tunnel and I'm beginning to feel some hope again .. then, I'll have a lonely night or weekend ... some days I'm ready to rejoin the world, some days I'm not. I have a stressful and active job where I'm engaged with people all day - I'm allowing myself some cave time in the evenings .. and just being careful with my heart. Hang in there - many out there just like you .. hugs.

[EricaH329]

You know what i've realized? The more we feel alone, the more we miss our ex's. It's a terrible cycle we go through.

 

As much as this is going to suck hearing, I don't think you'll ever get her fully out of your head until you don't feel lonely anymore.

 

Do not confuse that with missing her as a person. You are missing the company.

[USMCHokie]

You know what i've realized? The more we feel alone, the more we miss our ex's. It's a terrible cycle we go through.

 

As much as this is going to suck hearing, I don't think you'll ever get her fully out of your head until you don't feel lonely anymore.

 

Do not confuse that with missing her as a person. You are missing the company.

 

 

I see what you're saying here...I always thought the longer I went without her, the fact that I still missed her meant I missed her as a person...I've been out with a few girls since then, and in each case I had absolutely no interest in taking it anywhere...

 

And you can even throw me on a boat with a couple thousand other people, and I'll have an absolutely awesome time and meet lots of people as I make a complete fool of myself in bellyflop contests and prance around in my underwear and a bra, but at the end of the day when I go to sleep, I still feel that loneliness...

 

And in the end I feel like the new post-breakup me is just a facade of who I was during the boo-hoo period of the breakup...

[Patrice]

I've had months to work on this ... at first, I think it's the loss of routine, companionship and comfort. Take the time to transition out of the comfort zone - then rethink. You got out for a reason - if it was bearable you'd be there. Best thing I did was journal and begin running - write this stuff down. When you have a bad day, refresh your memory by reading your journal. The discomfort eases, new relationships take the place of the time you would have spent with the ex ... hang on!

[USMCHokie]

I've had months to work on this ... at first, I think it's the loss of routine, companionship and comfort. Take the time to transition out of the comfort zone - then rethink. You got out for a reason - if it was bearable you'd be there. Best thing I did was journal and begin running - write this stuff down. When you have a bad day, refresh your memory by reading your journal. The discomfort eases, new relationships take the place of the time you would have spent with the ex ... hang on!

 

 

Well, it's been 6 months since the break and about 4 months of NC...

 

Don't get me wrong, in this time, I have turned my life back around and done things for me. I'm in the best shape of my life, spending time with my friends again (even if they live thousands of miles away, I'll still go visit them because I feel like it and can do it...), and am generally back in a consistent, comfortable routine without her. My attitude has also changed for the better...before, if I went out with friends and got intox'ed, I'd start muttering about how much I missed her, etc. It got old, and I knew I had to changes things...which I did...

 

I tried doing the journal thing a few months back, but all I did was pour my heart out about how much I missed her and wanted her back...basically keeping her up on that pedastal on paper...and I didn't want to continue doing that, so I nixed the journal idea...

 

But after all this, my life feels like it's completely in order and ready to move on with other people, but in my heart, I feel stagnant and not willing to go anywhere...it's actually kind of frustrating...

[sedgwick]

Make yourself a new playlist right away!! Seriously, at least do that. You need all new songs that have nothing to do with your ex! And start journaling again. I filled three whole journals with nothing but my ex, but eventually I started writing about other things. Just let your hand go and don't edit. If it's about her, fine. If it's about boring stuff like money and work, that's fine too. It's therapeutic whether it seems that way or not!

[CaliGuy]

Do you have hobbies to keep you occupied? Are you still in the Corps? I went through a breakup when I was a Marine and I can tell ya, it was easier to deal with having friends drag me out surfing, clubbing and just hanging out.

 

Friends are extremely important in the healing process as is NOT being alone all the time.

Edited January 28, 2010 by CaliGuy

[cdt76]

You know what i've realized? The more we feel alone, the more we miss our ex's. It's a terrible cycle we go through.

 

As much as this is going to suck hearing, I don't think you'll ever get her fully out of your head until you don't feel lonely anymore.

 

Do not confuse that with missing her as a person. You are missing the company.

 

 

God, you are so right. The only time I think back is when I'm alone.....and I've been so alone over the last 3 months that it's near impossible to move on.

[Dark_of_the_Moon]

I have to agree. Its those times that I am lonely that it hurts again and like several have said its not so much missing him as missing the feeling of companionship and comfort.

 

One thing that did help me, was a new playlist of songs, uplifting songs that make me smile, dance, sing...whatever. When I feel the old tug of regret or loneliness sneaking up on me, I pop on my new playlist and it has been helpful in lifting my spirits and diverting me away from thinking of my ex.

 

I am glad to hear you are out doing things though, I think one reason I have had so much of a problem with this is that I spend too much time alone....but, try the music thing. It might help a touch. I find the little things mean more than anything else.....baby steps.

[USMCHokie]

Do you have hobbies to keep you occupied? Are you still in the Corps? I went through a breakup when I was a Marine and I can tell ya, it was easier to deal with having friends drag me out surfing, clubbing and just hanging out.

 

Friends are extremely important in the healing process as is NOT being alone all the time.

 

 

Yep, I'm still in the Corps. And you're right, it's definitely easier when you have friends around. Unfortunately, all my good friends are scattered around the country since they're all military...you know how that is... But I work out with my brother regularly and play golf competitively, so I meet a lot of new people that way.

 

Again, it's not that I'm necessarily alone...really, the only time I spend completely alone is that hour or two when my brother has gone to sleep (I live with him) before I go to bed. Otherwise, I'm out and about doing things.

 

Heck, last month I went on a cruise solo and had a great time meeting people and just enjoying myself in that atmosphere.

 

The problem is even after all that, I come home and go to sleep feeling lonely...not necessarily alone...on the surface I'm happy and life is good, but somewhere deep down I'm not where I want to be...

[annxxdisaster]

I'll send you my teddy bear over night.

OR, this super adorable 10 month old rabbit that likes to (in no particular order):

 

• Pee on cats
  
• Pee on your bed
  
• Try to sneak off with cups of juice, but spills them all over in the process
  
• Finds a way to go into asprin containers, eats some of them, doesn't die
  
• Tips over any small garbage can
  
• Run into the kitchen for food
  

He doesn't like to cuddle but he's certainly rambunctious enough to keep you laughing for hours.

[CaliGuy]

Yep, I'm still in the Corps. And you're right, it's definitely easier when you have friends around. Unfortunately, all my good friends are scattered around the country since they're all military...you know how that is... But I work out with my brother regularly and play golf competitively, so I meet a lot of new people that way.

 

Again, it's not that I'm necessarily alone...really, the only time I spend completely alone is that hour or two when my brother has gone to sleep (I live with him) before I go to bed. Otherwise, I'm out and about doing things.

 

Heck, last month I went on a cruise solo and had a great time meeting people and just enjoying myself in that atmosphere.

 

The problem is even after all that, I come home and go to sleep feeling lonely...not necessarily alone...on the surface I'm happy and life is good, but somewhere deep down I'm not where I want to be...

 

Well you know the drill.

 

 

"Not gonna be happy WITH someone until you're completely happy ALONE..."

 

Gotta figure out how to keep yourself company. I just stay busy with friends, hobbies, etc. If I stay single or get married doesn't matter to me anymore. Life's much more than relationships...

[sunrae]

Yep, I'm still in the Corps.

 

The problem is even after all that, I come home and go to sleep feeling lonely...not necessarily alone...on the surface I'm happy and life is good, but somewhere deep down I'm not where I want to be...

 

 

Completely off topic, but a big hug and thanks for serving our country..

 

We all have our lonely moments it's normal, those to shall pass...

When I feel lonely I try to look around and see all good things in my life that I have been blessed with, and I cant stay to sad or lonely for long, thinking about all the great people who love me...

[EricaH329]

I see what you're saying here...I always thought the longer I went without her, the fact that I still missed her meant I missed her as a person...I've been out with a few girls since then, and in each case I had absolutely no interest in taking it anywhere...

 

You just miss the companionship and comfort she brought you. It's so easy to remember back to the times when we felt most comforted when we are lonely.

 

And that's ok that you have no interest in dating girls right now. That's even better, actually. You need to heal completely before even attempting a shot at another relationship.

 

And you can even throw me on a boat with a couple thousand other people, and I'll have an absolutely awesome time and meet lots of people as I make a complete fool of myself in bellyflop contests and prance around in my underwear and a bra, but at the end of the day when I go to sleep, I still feel that loneliness...

 

Sounds like a good time

 

Exactly, at the end of the day when I go to sleep, I still feel that lonliness. When you are out having a good time, you don't feel so alone. It's when you are by yourself that these feelings come up. I wouldn't recommend going out every single day just to avoid those feelings though. I think some loneliness is healthy (sounds crazy, right?!). It gives you the opportunity to figure out what you really want. And it also gives you the strength to keep pushing through the loneliness.

 

 

And in the end I feel like the new post-breakup me is just a facade of who I was during the boo-hoo period of the breakup...

 

This, my friend, is where I have to disagree with you.

 

The person you are now is still trying to figure yourself out. You are running high with emotions, and even though it feels like you are just trying to mask them by going out, you are actually subconciously working through them.

 

Think of all the progress you've made so far. You've come a long, long way. Just imagine where you'll be another couple of months from now.

[bananaboat11]

Kelvin, keep being you. Truly. Do not become discouraged from being a lover, a partner, and a companion again just because you had a few dates without any spark to them...

 

You are a truly amazing guy and wonderful catch. It's continuing to be yourself while keeping your heart slightly nudged open to simply allow 'her' to see you. Don't let that moment pass you by... but continue basking in all its euphoric value... it feels good. companionship leaves a comfort in you that is very hard to let go of... we attach ourselves easily to these comforts because... it just feels right. Some comforts come and go, but we must always realize the biggest comfort of all is being true to ourselves... and who we are defines the world around us.

 

Be the best you possibly can and eventually...

[alphamale]

As each day passes, I feel like I'm growing emotionally stronger, yet I also feel more alone than ever...I keep wondering whether my 'strong' side is just a mask for lies beneath...

it takes time, my friend

[USMCHokie]

Completely off topic, but a big hug and thanks for serving our country..

 

We all have our lonely moments it's normal, those to shall pass...

When I feel lonely I try to look around and see all good things in my life that I have been blessed with, and I cant stay to sad or lonely for long, thinking about all the great people who love me...

 

 

Heh, thanks for your support, I appreciate it!

 

And I agree, life is full of great things and great people, and I too am happy and grateful for everything and everybody that I have. I guess it's a bit of jealousy...while I have plenty of great things going for me, there are also some things that others have that I don't...constantly being the odd wheel (and sometimes even the even wheel!) when going out sometimes puts me down...

 

 

Well you know the drill.

 

 

"Not gonna be happy WITH someone until you're completely happy ALONE..."

 

Gotta figure out how to keep yourself company. I just stay busy with friends, hobbies, etc. If I stay single or get married doesn't matter to me anymore. Life's much more than relationships...

 

 

Yep, absolutely. And I don't let being single affect how I live my life, because as you said, there's so much more to life.

[USMCHokie]

Kelvin, keep being you. Truly. Do not become discouraged from being a lover, a partner, and a companion again just because you had a few dates without any spark to them...

 

You are a truly amazing guy and wonderful catch. It's continuing to be yourself while keeping your heart slightly nudged open to simply allow 'her' to see you. Don't let that moment pass you by... but continue basking in all its euphoric value... it feels good. companionship leaves a comfort in you that is very hard to let go of... we attach ourselves easily to these comforts because... it just feels right. Some comforts come and go, but we must always realize the biggest comfort of all is being true to ourselves... and who we are defines the world around us.

 

Be the best you possibly can and eventually...

 

 

Hey, thanks Rob...

 

You're right, finding comfort with ourselves is the only way to be truly happy...

 

And actually, the girls I went out with were all from my past...basically all reconnections to girls I was very interested in before...none of them ever made it anywhere because I was a neurotic headcase back then with all the self-esteem issues or they just weren't interested...and then they all kind of came out of nowhere...

 

To be honest, it was like hanging out with my sister...even though I don't have any sisters...

 

It still feels hard to find new women at this point...

[USMCHokie]

I meant to respond to this earlier today, but it would have taken a bit more time than I had available...

 

 

You just miss the companionship and comfort she brought you. It's so easy to remember back to the times when we felt most comforted when we are lonely.

 

And that's ok that you have no interest in dating girls right now. That's even better, actually. You need to heal completely before even attempting a shot at another relationship.

 

 

You're right...I sometimes remember those good times I had with her...but that's usually when I'm by myself...I guess it becomes habit after all these months...

 

And I'm not really all that interested in dating, let alone a relationship...and I'm not exactly in a position to have some girl magically walk into my life...

 

Sounds like a good time

 

Oh it is...drinking commences precisely at 9 AM...there really isn't an end time...

 

Exactly, at the end of the day when I go to sleep, I still feel that lonliness. When you are out having a good time, you don't feel so alone. It's when you are by yourself that these feelings come up. I wouldn't recommend going out every single day just to avoid those feelings though. I think some loneliness is healthy (sounds crazy, right?!). It gives you the opportunity to figure out what you really want. And it also gives you the strength to keep pushing through the loneliness.

 

 

Well, when I refer to loneliness, I don't necessarily mean the short-term loneliness...but in the grand scheme of things...it's so easy to fall back into old habits of self-doubt and thinking that I won't have anyone in that rocking chair next to me when I'm 70 years old...it's just so easy to feel sorry for yourself and give up...

 

 

This, my friend, is where I have to disagree with you.

 

The person you are now is still trying to figure yourself out. You are running high with emotions, and even though it feels like you are just trying to mask them by going out, you are actually subconciously working through them.

 

Think of all the progress you've made so far. You've come a long, long way. Just imagine where you'll be another couple of months from now.

 

 

Well thanks for the kind words...I do know I've made a lot of progress from where I was back in the fall...but eventually with the law of diminishing returns, it will come a point where I become stagnant and plateau...and it just feels like I've reached that point...

[USMCHokie]

Hey guys give this song called no children by the mountain goats.

 

It's really good and probably described the way a lot of us are feeling. If you are sort of under a dark cloud.

 

 

 

Heheh, neat song, thanks.

[USMCHokie]

I don't mean to hijack, but what does one do in this case if they are back in a city where none of their friends live? I have been all by me self through the past month and a half of tormenting pain over this break up, and no one to talk to IRL kind of sucks. Really sick of sitting at home on the internet all day.

 

 

Go to where your friends are...this is a problem I've had for the past few years...all my friends are on active duty, so they're scattered all over the place...so I make it a point to try to go visit them when I can...I'm actually flying down to Tampa for the weekend...

 

But you're right, it can be a pain in the butt...it just starts with one friend...it can be anyone...work acquaintances...anyone that you can start a social network from...the best way to make new friends is through existing friends...

 

If there is truly no one else, try joining clubs, intramural sports, or social groups in your area...this is an excellent way to meet people without the awkwardness as you already share a common interest...

[EricaH329]

You're right...I sometimes remember those good times I had with her...but that's usually when I'm by myself...I guess it becomes habit after all these months...

 

And I'm not really all that interested in dating, let alone a relationship...and I'm not exactly in a position to have some girl magically walk into my life...

 

Good!! I wouldn't think of that as a bad thing!! It gives you time to reflect on everything that has happened, and try to figure out what you've learned from it to become a better person.

 

Time alone can be equally as rewarding as time with someone else, if you allow it to be.

 

Oh it is...drinking commences precisely at 9 AM...there really isn't an end time...

 

Haha, my end time is when i'm too drunk to stand. That's usually bed time

 

Well, when I refer to loneliness, I don't necessarily mean the short-term loneliness...but in the grand scheme of things...it's so easy to fall back into old habits of self-doubt and thinking that I won't have anyone in that rocking chair next to me when I'm 70 years old...it's just so easy to feel sorry for yourself and give up...

 

Of course it's easy to do that! It takes no effort!! But they don't say that the best things in life don't come easily for no reason. What kind of life would you have if you just gave up? If you look around LS, you'll be able to pinpoint the kind of guy that would be. And who wants to be like that?!

 

Well thanks for the kind words...I do know I've made a lot of progress from where I was back in the fall...but eventually with the law of diminishing returns, it will come a point where I become stagnant and plateau...and it just feels like I've reached that point...

 

Healing is a rollercoaster. Just when you begin to feel great, you'll regress back into feeling like crap. That's just the way that it goes. But when you begin to feel yourself falling back into that crappy state of mind, don't allow yourself to feel overwhelmed by it. Just know that that stage will pass. And eventually, while pushing through all of the ups and downs, you'll notice a less bumpy rollercoaster ride. Until, eventually, you are riding around on a one level track.