eliza_beth Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 years and I just found out last week that he cheated on me a while ago. The fact that he cheated isnt all his fault, he did so at a time when he was feeling very lonely and I wasnt giving him enough emotional support, and wasnt being open enough with him, he said he felt he was talking to a wall. We have been working on my issues with communication and they have slowly been getting better over time. I knew we were having some problems but our relationship in many other ways has been wonderful, I know he is not the kind of person that would cheat, and I have always trusted him with all my heart...this whole thing has just come as a shock to me... I'm not sure how to handle to emotions i'm having from this. One moment I will feel understanding and forgiving knowing how much he loves me, that it was a simple human mistake to make and that i know he is not perfect, nor do i expect him to be. The next moment i feel overwhelmed with guilt for causing him such pain, to allow him to feel so lonely, the next moment i feel anger and sadness and jealousy, and this cycle of emotions just circles...I just wish i could be logical about everything, I know that sex does not equal love, the woman and the act of sex meant nothing to him...i dont want to have any feelings of resentment because its not fair to him, myself or the relationship. I want to forgive him, i want him to forgive himself, and i want to be able to forgive myself. How do i get through these feelings? I know truly that i love him and I am no fool and know very truly that he cares about me deeply and loves me and feels horrible about what he did and is having a hard time dealing with his feelings of guilt as well. I don't really feel i have anyone else to turn to for advice, i worry friends will judge me for staying with him even though they dont understand the situation nor my views on relationships. I suppose all i am looking for is advice on how to build our relationship strong from this point, how to cope with feelings and how to help him cope with his.
Eeyore79 Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 This is a tough one, because my policy would usually be: If someone disrespects you enough to cheat, kick them to the curb and never look back. Imo there is never any excuse for cheating... you certainly shouldn't blame yourself for not providing enough emotional support... he is the one who chose to cheat! If you insist on staying with him (which I don't recommend, but it's your funeral) then you shouldn't feel guilty or have to "forgive yourself" for anything... this was all his doing, and he should be grovelling like crazy to make it up to you. You need to draw a line and make a fresh start, and try not to think about anything that happened before. Tell him that you forgive him, and make a mutual effort to put this in the past. But if you find that you can't truly forgive him, the best thing to do is end the relationship.
Woman In Blue Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 The fact that he cheated isnt all his fault, he did so at a time when he was feeling very lonely and I wasnt giving him enough emotional support, and wasnt being open enough with him, he said he felt he was talking to a wall. Rule #1: STOP taking part of the responsibility for HIS decision - and his ALONE - to act like a spoiled, selfish jackass. I know he is not the kind of person that would cheat, and I have always trusted him with all my heart...this whole thing has just come as a shock to me... Yes, he IS the kind of person who would cheat. He showed you precisely what type of person he really is when the chips were down. The next moment i feel overwhelmed with guilt for causing him such pain, to allow him to feel so lonely... Wow - he worked you good. He's actually got you feeling SORRY for him! I want to shake this guy's hand (along with probably every cheating man on earth who'd ALSO like the secret of how to cheat and successfully get away with it by dumping a guilt trip on their wives or girlfriends.) Damn - he's good. ...the woman and the act of sex meant nothing to him...i dont want to have any feelings of resentment because its not fair to him, myself or the relationship. Well that blows a big, huge hole in his phoney excuse about feeling "isolated" and needing "emotional support." How does meaningless sex provide this supposed "emotional support" he claims he needed so badly? I want to forgive him, i want him to forgive himself, and i want to be able to forgive myself. Forgive yourself for what? For not being a model mate? You own that and will reconcile your feelings about it. What you DON'T own is his low-rent behavior of looking for strange tail, having "meaningless sex" because he had an itch in his drawers, and then dumping his crap on YOUR front porch to feel guilty about. Tell him to grow the HELL up and own his OWN sh*t. ...I am no fool and know very truly that he cares about me deeply and loves me and feels horrible about what he did and is having a hard time dealing with his feelings of guilt as well. Sounds to me as though he's found a way to dump alot of his guilt on your shoulders and is letting YOU carry the burden. I don't really feel i have anyone else to turn to for advice, i worry friends will judge me for staying with him even though they dont understand the situation nor my views on relationships. I don't understand your feelings of responsibility for HIS actions either. I do wish you much luck. I suppose all i am looking for is advice on how to build our relationship strong from this point, how to cope with feelings and how to help him cope with his.
Author eliza_beth Posted January 28, 2010 Author Posted January 28, 2010 I feel I must have miss communicated a little. He certainly hasn't done or said anything to make me feel that this situation is my fault. These are my own feelings i developed after thinking about our situation at the time. The only thing he said was explain how he was feeling at that time. Im not quite sure then how so women seem to get away with saying their men were not emotionally supporting them and so they sought comfort elsewhere. I dont see how hard it is to believe that when you're feeling alone and distant you desire attention or affection from another, though his turned out more like: he got really drunk and ****ed up. When one thinks of my relationship they should really switch the roles of my boyfriend and I, I am more manly than him haha in a stereotypical way and he is more feminine. I have had many years to get to know this man I believe I understand his character very well, and he is not the scumbag that people are probably viewing him as right now. I also do not believe I should force him to grovel at my feet to get my forgiveness back, that seems very wrong on my part, and he is certainly working hard on his own to make things right between us.
hoping2heal Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 years and I just found out last week that he cheated on me a while ago. The fact that he cheated isnt all his fault, he did so at a time when he was feeling very lonely and I wasnt giving him enough emotional support, and wasnt being open enough with him, he said he felt he was talking to a wall. We have been working on my issues with communication and they have slowly been getting better over time. No the cheating IS all of his fault. ALL of it. Maybe you weren't giving him what he needed at the time; that hardly justifies infidelity. He should of been talking things through with you or if need be called the relationship off to "regroup" but there is never EVER a justification for cheating. I knew we were having some problems but our relationship in many other ways has been wonderful, I know he is not the kind of person that would cheat, and I have always trusted him with all my heart...this whole thing has just come as a shock to me... Okay girlfriend, let's take the blinders off and set them down slowly. Having them on will not fix your relationship. I know this is a shock and I'm sorry about that, but let's stick with the facts. You do not at all "know" he is not the kind of person who would cheat because he did in fact cheat. It did happen, it broke your trust , and there was absolutely no excuse or reason for it. I'm not sure how to handle to emotions i'm having from this. One moment I will feel understanding and forgiving knowing how much he loves me, that it was a simple human mistake to make and that i know he is not perfect, nor do i expect him to be. The next moment i feel overwhelmed with guilt for causing him such pain Okay stop the car. He cheated on you. He betrayed your relationship. He betrayed you. You are the one feeling overwhelmed with guilt for causing HIM such pain? Girl, you are making me wonder what kind of relationship you are in and how low your self esteem is that your partner can cheat on you and you will assume the responsibility for his wrongful actions and believe it your fault. to allow him to feel so lonely, the next moment i feel anger and sadness and jealousy, and this cycle of emotions just circles...I just wish i could be logical about everything, I know that sex does not equal love, the woman and the act of sex meant nothing to him...i dont want to have any feelings of resentment because its not fair to him, myself or the relationship. I want to forgive him, i want him to forgive himself, and i want to be able to forgive myself. How do i get through these feelings? I know truly that i love him and I am no fool and know very truly that he cares about me deeply and loves me and feels horrible about what he did and is having a hard time dealing with his feelings of guilt as well. I don't really feel i have anyone else to turn to for advice, i worry friends will judge me for staying with him even though they dont understand the situation nor my views on relationships. I suppose all i am looking for is advice on how to build our relationship strong from this point, how to cope with feelings and how to help him cope with his. You know what I really think? I think your friends are aware you are in an unhealthy relationship right now and you know they know too, and you are looking for someone to tell you what you want to hear lest be truthful and burst the bubble on this charade of a relationship you have going on. You don't want to talk to your friends because you know they will tell you the truth.
pepsi Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 I think if you love him and you can honestly say to yourself you do then you two should communicate and workt his out. Feelings that you are feeling are completely natural although it isn't your fault he cheated I will agree. He made that choice on his own but at the same time everyone thinks differently and you don't know how he was thinking. You two are just dating. I think society is so quick to damn a person to hell for cheating in a relationship before trying to fix something if it is worth fixing. If you sit down and the pros def. out weigh the cons and you can honestly say you love him and he loves you then I think you two should go to a professional and pay for a class and really try to fix it...Its not like you guys are engaged or married. I don't believe that there is really cheating in a dating relationship...Dating is basically an experiment to see if you can spend te rest of your life with that person. In the course of the boyfriend/girlfriend relationship you both will mess up alot and thats ok because you learn not to do that and you won't do that when you decide to vow your life to that other person. If you were married/engaged then it would be a different story...
pepsi Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 Also, what what I said ont he above post about dating basically being an experiment...I don't mean that as an excuse for a person to basically do whatever they want. Also, if you are thinking you two could end up married then I would definetly fix this while it is repairable because you don't want this to happen while married because then there is no excuse.
Recommended Posts