Cannot get my heart into it

[ColdFox]

I've lurked on Loveshack for months now without posting; not sure if this is the right place, but what the hell. I am recovering from heartbreak, but differently from most of the posters I see here.

 

Two years ago my husband died.

 

I am dating again, but it is hard. Everyone tells me to get out there, get back into the swing of things. "He wouldn't want you to be alone." "He would want the baby to have a father figure." And everyone is right...my son deserves a man in his life, I deserve love again.

 

My son is very young, I was pregnant when my husband died. It's not easy to find men who aren't put off by the idea of a baby. And even when I find them...

 

I just don't feel anything for them.

[Howitzer]

Just keep on trying. It's not going to be easy coming back from this. I think all of us here on Loveshack have felt immense pain in our hearts, and it's clear that things get better only with effort, and time. Emphasis on the effort. You have to be actively doing things to ensure that your mental and emotional health recover.

 

That said, you have a great outlook on this, in that you know you deserve love, and deserve happiness.

 

Keep posting here if you feel like it! Sometimes I only read, sometimes I feel like posting. This is really for yourself.

[Ronni_W]

Hi ColdFox, and welcome to LoveShack. (Yes, the 'coping' section does seem the best forum for you to have posted )

 

I'm terribly sorry for your loss.

 

I think the people who are telling you to just get out there are well-meaning but misguided. Recovering from such a huge loss takes whatever time it takes...and 2 years is a relatively short time, when it comes to emotional trauma and grief.

Quite honestly, how can others say, with any accuracy, what your late husband would and would not want? I would urge you to not let others pressure you by misusing and abusing your love for, and memory, of your husband. They are doing all three of you a great disservice.

 

It's difficult, I know. But you can trust your own heart and intuition about when to start dating. Otherwise, you would be allowing others to manipulate you into making decisions and choices that would not necessarily be in your and your son's best interests at this time.

 

In reality, it isn't your "job" to line up some other guy to be a "father figure" for your son and, even if it was, there is time enough to allow it to happen naturally...when you are ready to consider it. In the meantime, you can call upon your son's uncles, male cousins, your husband's friends, etc., to guide and support him through these formative years. As well as, you can look into registering him in a 'Big Brother'-type program.

Later on, you can offer him participation in sports and male-oriented organizations like the Boy Scouts.

 

For yourself. Perhaps some additional grief counseling will be of help and/or joining a bereavement support group. (Check with local faith communities, hospitals and funeral homes.) Attend different meetings until you find the group with which you are most comfortable.

 

You could also consider starting to expand your experiences as a single person (before just jumping into dating/coupledom.) Join a book or movie club, take a personal interest class, learn yoga or meditation, do a bit of volunteering. Any activity(ies) that will help you start to feel like one 'whole' person again, and not someone who is missing a very significant piece of your Self.

 

It's perfectly fine that you are not yet ready to start dating. You lost your beloved and the father of your son only two years ago. It's perfectly acceptable that you still need all your personal resources to focus on your own well-being. That is what your son needs most of all, in any case: a mom who is mentally and emotionally strong enough to make wise decisions for the both of you.

 

It's possible that your family and friends realize that they don't have the knowledge or skills to get you through the next stage of your healing journey. They are probably right about that. But their "solution", that you start dating, does not sound as if it is the right one for you, right now. There is time enough, for that.

 

Sending Comfort and Courage,

Ronni

[sunrae]

Coldfox,

Dont be so hard on yourself... Just go and enjoy the company. No one said you had to marry one of the first three people that come along. Just enjoy the conversation and dont put pressure on yourself or let anyone else for that matter.

If youre not ready, then youre not ready. If you do go out, go about it as just trying to make new friends, it takes a little stress off.

 

The dating world sucks.. I was with my husband for 8 years, and it took me a long time to "get back out there", and I still struggle with it sometimes...

 

If you dont feel it with a guy, then thats ok too. He's not the one.

[curiousnycgirl]

Coldfox -

 

I just wanted to say welcome. I am so sorry you are going through this. My fiance died 6 months or so before our wedding (a million years ago) and everyone told me to just get out there again, etc.

 

Frankly it just doesn't work that way! It took me years and years to get myself out there again (to be fair I have other issues as well - but still). Truth is it took me 20 years to open up and trust someone like I trusted him - unfortunately he is now my ex.

 

You have a very full plate already - forcing a relationship is not going to enahnce your life in any positive way. I agree with the other posters - get active in things that interest you and your son. Do stuff just for the two of you, and if you have down time, do stuff just for YOU.

 

You'll know when you are ready.

 

Hugs and all the best

CNYCG

 

(btw I would have given almost anything to have had my fiance's baby - while you are probably struggling now, I am certain you are and always will be very thankful for your little guy!)

[ColdFox]

Thank you all for your replies and your support. I am struggling a little right now with how to form replies to all of you, sometimes talking about this leaves me in tears still to this day.

 

I am grateful for my son, he is a beautiful boy who looks a lot like his father. But I am terribly sad that he will never know his daddy, and it is hard to be a single mother, I of course did not think I would be when we decided to have a baby. I have always believed a boy should have a male role model. My father left my mother many years ago and is not around, and I have no brothers. I do have a male cousin who visits when he can, maybe I should try to get him to visit more often. And my husband does have a couple of friends in this area, but they have kids of their own, I have not wanted to call on them too much.

 

I didn't date at all for a year and a half, my husband died almost 2 and a half years ago. We were only married for two years, but we were together two years before we married so together four years total. I am still young and I do get lonely, but when I meet other men I only feel guilt and then it's like my heart is frozen, I can't really explain it. I slept with one man and it felt terrible, I could not see him again even though I tried to, it was like I suddenly would get tired all the time when I would even think of seeing him again.

 

You are probably all right and I am putting too much pressure on myself too soon. It just seems like it has been so long already, and I worry that I am depriving my son of a relationship he will need, I worry that I will never find love again.

 

Sometimes it feels like I did not get the chance to really grieve the way I should have because I had to focus immediately on my son being born and trying to connect with him and figure out how to be a mom by myself.

 

CuriousNYCgirl, I am very sorry to hear about what happened to you. I can imagine how you felt. I am often grateful for the time I had with my husband and for our son, but sometimes I wish I had never married him, so I would not have had to go through this, if that makes sense.

 

P.S. Ronni I was in some grief counseling but I don't have very good insurance and it only covered a short time. My husband was only thirty when he died, he did not have much insurance or leave much of an estate, we did not plan well for this kind of event. I am living paycheck to paycheck and don't know how to afford any more therapy right now. I am not religious and don't belong to any church that might offer it for free. I have been thinking lately about asking my mother to fund another six months of therapy, maybe. She has been wonderful about helping when she can.

Edited January 28, 2010 by ColdFox

[HeavenOrHell]

Have you had counselling hun to help with your grief?

Please don't feel pressure to be in another relationship, you don't have to be in a relationship if you don't want to be, maybe just concentrate on friends for now?

My ex left me after 18 years, it will take me a long time before I am ready to meet anyone, I don't feel the need to be in another relationship to be honest, still love my ex for a start I dread him meeting someone else. I am finding it hard to move on. I am lonely, but not for another relationship, I am lonely for him and what we had. He left 6 months ago.

I hope you are getting enough support and can find a way though this.

[curiousnycgirl]

And my husband does have a couple of friends in this area, but they have kids of their own, I have not wanted to call on them too much.

 

How did you get along with these friends? How about their wives? If you got along with them well - then perhaps it would be good for you to maintain the relationship - especially if they ahve kids that your son can play with. These are not only male role models for your son, but they are also people who can tell him all about his daddy when the time is right.

 

Sometimes it feels like I did not get the chance to really grieve the way I should have because I had to focus immediately on my son being born and trying to connect with him and figure out how to be a mom by myself.

 

I'm sure you didn't have a chance to grieve. Believe me 2.5 years is nothing even if you have no other distractions - and you have a baby to take care of too! Please give yourself a break - trust me you deserve it!

 

CuriousNYCgirl, I am very sorry to hear about what happened to you. I can imagine how you felt. I am often grateful for the time I had with my husband and for our son, but sometimes I wish I had never married him, so I would not have had to go through this, if that makes sense.

 

Yes it makes total sense - but I do believe that the good you had with your husband far outweighs the bad. My fiance and I basically knew eachother our entire lives, we grew up in a very close knit religous community - but we did not become very close until about a year or two before he died. To this day I deeply regret that we never made love. So while I understand your frustration with your lot in life, you should not regret all that you had with him.

 

We are here for you. HUGE {{{{{HUGS}}}}} :bunny:

[sean1970]

P.S. Ronni I was in some grief counseling but I don't have very good insurance and it only covered a short time. My husband was only thirty when he died, he did not have much insurance or leave much of an estate, we did not plan well for this kind of event. I am living paycheck to paycheck and don't know how to afford any more therapy right now. I am not religious and don't belong to any church that might offer it for free. I have been thinking lately about asking my mother to fund another six months of therapy, maybe. She has been wonderful about helping when she can.

 

First, welcome...

 

Are you in the States? If so, what state and general location..? No, not a practicing stalker, just might be in a position to help you get some free help.

[HeavenOrHell]

Shame you're not in the UK, there is Cruse here which give free support, is there nothing like that where you are?

[ColdFox]

First, welcome...

 

Are you in the States? If so, what state and general location..? No, not a practicing stalker, just might be in a position to help you get some free help.

 

Thank you Sean. I am in the States. To be honest I am a little wary of posting my life story and my location online, although I am not saying anything I am ashamed of I like my privacy...but I am interested in finding out more. Does anybody know when I will get my private messaging turned on?

 

HorH, the only free therapy I am aware of goes to people with serious disorders, super low-income people or to students. I am struggling but I am keeping myself and my son afloat in an expensive area, we are a nose above a lot of the standards for low-income help. But it sounds like Sean might have a clearer picture on this than I do at least when it comes to mental health services.

 

CuriousNYCgirl, Re: my husband's friends who live in this area, two of them I was never close with myself, they were nice enough guys but definitely my husband's friends not mine, they went out on guys' nights together while the girls stayed home or did their own thing usually. I met them a few times, and they came to the service of course and came by a few times after. I have not seen either of them in a year, but perhaps I will drop them both a line, they are both 'friended' with me on Facebook. Neither of them has children really close to my son's age but a couple of years won't make such a difference when he is a little older, and you are right, they will be able to tell him about his daddy when he is old enough to ask. I had not really thought of that, to be honest. I don't always think of things beyond the immediate practical stuff, these days. He has another friend who I actually knew first, I used to date this friend in college and he is how I met my husband. I have purposely not wanted to be in touch with him at all, it might bring up memories of the first time I met my husband, or the first time we kissed (at one of this friends' parties). Also he is not married/does not have any children, it might seem awkward me getting in touch with him out of the blue, like I am trying to get back together. Maybe I'm overthinking it, but it would feel awkward to me.

 

I have a date scheduled for this weekend with a very nice man I have seen twice before. He knows I have a toddler and is okay with that, he knows I am a widow and hasn't asked too many questions, but seemed very sympathetic. He is a little older (late 30s) and divorced and has a couple of kids who live with him every other week. I like the way he looks and have had a nice time with him, but again it has felt like my heart is frozen in my chest. I don't feel anything when I am with him, good or even bad, I just feel kind of distant and cold even though I think positively about him. Now I am wondering if maybe I should cancel and explain to him that I am not quite ready yet.

[curiousnycgirl]

I have a date scheduled for this weekend with a very nice man I have seen twice before. He knows I have a toddler and is okay with that, he knows I am a widow and hasn't asked too many questions, but seemed very sympathetic. He is a little older (late 30s) and divorced and has a couple of kids who live with him every other week. I like the way he looks and have had a nice time with him, but again it has felt like my heart is frozen in my chest. I don't feel anything when I am with him, good or even bad, I just feel kind of distant and cold even though I think positively about him. Now I am wondering if maybe I should cancel and explain to him that I am not quite ready yet.

 

Or just go ahead but first take the pressure off. Perhaps he might just become a good friend. Don't assume every man you date will end up as a hot and heavy romance (OMG some of us only wish!) - most fizzle. I met my ex on Match - and the funny thing is most of the guys I met in person from there, never became love interests, but some became friends.

 

It sounds to me like you need to build your social circle - why not just go out with this guy as a potential friend?

[Ronni_W]

ColdFox,

I do agree with you that you're putting too much pressure on yourself. Your son is going to be fine even though this is not the life that you had envisioned for him...or for yourself. But, this is your son's life; the only one he will ever know. He is going to be fine. (My brother was 10 when our Dad died. My mom did not "deprive" us of anything by not quickly "replacing" our Dad...as if that could have happened, anyway. But I trust you'll understand what I mean by that?)

 

Kids adapt. In many ways, they are more resilient and know better than adults how to 'roll with life'. Adults don't give them enough credit for their abilities to accept what life throws at them. IMO. Adults are the ones who give negative messages about "being deprived" and how bad-and-sad it all is. Kids aren't naturally that way.

 

...I don't have very good insurance and it only covered a short time. ... I am not religious and don't belong to any church that might offer it for free. I have been thinking lately about asking my mother to fund another six months of therapy, maybe. She has been wonderful about helping when she can.

Yes, no doubt your first priority would have been to ensure a healthy end-of-pregnancy and delivery; and then just focusing on the practical. And you are right, that would have also meant your having to avoid-delay your own feelings and needs. All the more reason that I would suggest for you to find a way to receive support now.

 

If your mother is in a position to assist, then that is an excellent idea. If not, there are many other avenues you can explore. Ask about their services or if they can refer you to local resources. Contact: local hospital(s), funeral homes, United Way or similar, Rotary Club, mental health agencies, hospices, community & family service agencies, seniors' centres. Failing those, you can search 'grief' at amazon.com, check the customers' comments and then visit the library.

This online directory of emotional support providers may offer some suggestions for you: befrienders.org/helplines/helplines.asp?c2=USA

 

What is completely within your own power and control that you can do immediately that will also benefit your son, is to be proactive and take charge of your own healing and emotional health.

I think it is not in your son's best interest for you to over-focus on and stress about what he does NOT have in his life. It can be the difference between raising a generally positive-optimistic child versus one who feels "deprived" and like a victim of life.

 

Believe me, I know how difficult it is. I saw it with my Mom, and her (2) kids were already 10 and 12. Back then, "grief counseling" was a foreign term. Today, it is one thing that she wishes would have been suggested. At the time she was an atheist but she says, with her current knowledge, she would even have gone to church to get help. It is that important, ColdFox. For you, but perhaps especially for your son. NOT the presence of another man, but his mom being 100% present and emotionally available.

 

We lost our mom to her 'living grief' at the same time we lost our Dad to his death. His loss was easier for us, as kids, to deal with.

 

Sending Light and Love...and hugs.

Edited January 29, 2010 by Ronni_W
clarification

[mimidarlin]

Coldfox,

 

I can't imagine being pregnant and losing my husband. Dealing with the death of loved one makes many of us numb for a long time. I'm sure you ran on automatic because you had to care for a baby. I don't have much advice to give you other than to seek counseling and maybe a group would be a good thing. Counseling can be expensive and I am finding it useful to vent here. Finding people who have or are dealing with a similar situation makes us feel less alone.

 

You story of feeling coldness or feeling nothing sounds like a protective buffer for your heart. I've had many divorced friends tell me that they never opened their heart in the same way they did for their first marriage. That scares me ...I want to feel love again. I keep reading on the divorce forum that you have to take risks and trying to fall in love is a risk. Those of us facing an unwanted divorce feel burned by the risk taking and you may as well. If you can't afford a lot of counseling maybe someone could recommend some reading on dealing with grief and help you work towards opening your heart again.

 

Best of luck...

[GrayClouds]

coldfox I am really sorry for your loss. I am really glad you decided to reach out and post. It is not easy to ask for help. We are all here for different reasons and we but we are all here for the same reason, we are trying to move one. Welcome.

 

Not to belittle "everyone" but despite thier best efforts, if your not feeling it regarding dating then don't. Only you know where your healing is at. Though this does not mean stay in your den with your cub (get it a-fox joke;)). Do get out.

 

Just get out and get around new people. Some to help you through the grieving process others to help you move on. Find support groups, parents without partners? Find something to volunteer in, make play dates for the little one. Try to find on night a week where you can take some kind of class or hobbie just for yourself.

 

The dating crap will come to you when it is time. Right now the focus is on you and your little one. Be very kind to yourself, you have gone through a great deal. Keep posting.