mybrowneyedgirl Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 I'm a WS. My H & I are thinking of taking a weekend away to try to spend some time together and work through all of this. Has anyone done this? How did it work? Did you reconnect or spend alone time together only to realize that things werent working after all?
hooghie Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 I haven't been in your position or your spouse's but I think only you can answer this. Deep in your heart, if you think there may be a chance to work through this then you owe to your spouse, your marriage, and yourself to try. If you are 100% sure it won't work but you feel guilty so you want to please your spouse, save him more heartache time and move on.
wheelwright Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 If you are 100% sure it won't work but you feel guilty so you want to please your spouse, save him more heartache time and move on. I'm not sure when we are still reeling from the A and the effects of DDay that we can be 100% sure about anything. I went away with H two months after DDay. It was very up and down. We had a huge row on day one, but then calmed down and kind of enjoyed it. I still didn't really connect, but I knew that trying to was part of what I needed to do. I think if you know deep down that you have to try to connect, then it isn't really the point to think about whether it will work or not. Chances are that it won't, if xMM is still in your head space at all. Or it will only be a partial success. Doesn't mean that it isn't the first rung on the ladder to getting there though. I guess this trying to reconnect makes us feel bad if we don't get success. But success in gaining something we know will be difficult takes time, dedication and the wherewithal to withstand a certain amount of defeat on the way. Hope you make some progress, and perhaps the best that can be hoped is that it won't be a disaster? That some good comes from it for you and your H.
anne1707 Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 It depends on what you mean by working through this. I think if you are planning to go away and try and talk about all that has happened, you will be putting an incredible amount of pressure on yourselves. Though there is a lot to be said for being on neutral territory which is where MC can come in. I suspect what you may both need at the moment is a chance to escape all this pain (as much as you can at this stage) and see whether you can actually enjoy being together - and therefore help you both get a clearer idea of whether you do actually want to work on your marriage. I think if this is what you are planning then you both need to realise that whilst this could be a good thing to do, it is forcing you to be together and at times through the weekend you may just both need some breathing space. One of you may say/do (or not say/do) something which provokes a response - could be quite innocent but at the moment your emotional states are understandably sensitive and it can be very easy to react. I know that in the early days of recovery, my H and I accepted that at times one of us would have to say time out and just clear their head for a while.
Author mybrowneyedgirl Posted January 28, 2010 Author Posted January 28, 2010 the idea was acutally just to take a breather from life in general and try to find a way to make things better. im not talking about fixing our marriage. thats probably way too far gone. it would be about trying to be nice, stable, and have a conversation without having to hide it from the kids.
WifeCheatedOnMe Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 We took a week vacation to 'get away'. It helped at times, but other times we drifted back into the affair conversations. But we did ours too early, only a couple of weeks after Dday. Now being almost 2 months since, we'd probably handle it much better and I think it can be beneficial.
Spark1111 Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 the idea was acutally just to take a breather from life in general and try to find a way to make things better. im not talking about fixing our marriage. thats probably way too far gone. it would be about trying to be nice, stable, and have a conversation without having to hide it from the kids. Then do it! No matter what transpires down the road with your marriage, the best thing you could possibly do for your children is to be friends with their father and he with you. Don't aim for love. Aim for friendly respect for the future of your children. Make that be your goal and see if you could convince him of the same. Baby steps.
jwi71 Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 the idea was acutally just to take a breather from life in general and try to find a way to make things better. im not talking about fixing our marriage. thats probably way too far gone. it would be about trying to be nice, stable, and have a conversation without having to hide it from the kids. You mean stay for the kids. I wouldn't recommend it. I have NO doubt you'll do ok BEG...but I'm betting your H won't. He may start off ok (like he did before your separation) but will ultimately...and I can't think of a nice way to say it...not want to look at you (its a daily slap in the face emotionally). Looking at you two is like watching a bio-pic of my M's dissolution. Almost word for word and action for action...Its eerie I tell you.
MARINE_ONE Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 We took a week vacation to 'get away'. It helped at times, but other times we drifted back into the affair conversations. But we did ours too early, only a couple of weeks after Dday. Now being almost 2 months since, we'd probably handle it much better and I think it can be beneficial. Just wondering what you all mean. Are you all getting together to talk about the past? Are you talking about getting back together? And I hope I am not being to personal, but are you all having sex as well? If so, why did you all get divorced? Isn't it hard to get a divorce then go on vacation and have or not have sex with your ex? These questions are for everyone seeing their ex, especially after DDay. Thanks!!
BlueeyedJonesy Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 MBEG, Do you want to fix things with your M? You have to want something..to actually make effort to do it. I hope this is a positive experience for you and your H...whatever you do try to think of the positives in your M while your away, stay away from negativity. I think its a good idea...H and I are going to the west coast in March (which I am freaking extatic about because I've only been east) but I think it will be amazing only because we are in the process of healing our marriage. We are both in it 100%. Good luck!!!
WifeCheatedOnMe Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 Just wondering what you all mean. Are you all getting together to talk about the past? Are you talking about getting back together? And I hope I am not being to personal, but are you all having sex as well? If so, why did you all get divorced? Isn't it hard to get a divorce then go on vacation and have or not have sex with your ex? These questions are for everyone seeing their ex, especially after DDay. Thanks!! DDay is discovery day of the affair, not divorce day. So in these instances, it is getting away with your WS to discuss reconciliation, to remove them temporarily from their AP, et al. In my case it was too early after DDay and probably didn't accomplish much. But I was desperate at the time and was grasping at straws. Knowing what I know now and what I've learned here, I would not have done it so soon. It was marginally beneficial for us at the time, but as stated, would probably be more beneficial now at this point in our R.
Gabriele Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 I did not read through the other responses, so this is right from your OP. About 4 weeks after dday H and I went away for the weekend to a couples workshop (it was a preplanned thing, kinda an anniversary gift, we both liked the idea of a facilitated weekend to connect), it was put on by a psychologist/marriage counselor. It was a really good weekend. We did connect, and it gave us some hope, and reminded us of our strong and long relationship. however, it certainly did not heal things. And it was kinda a distraction of our problem, the infidelity, as the workshop was very general relationship stuff. I think that time away can be good. It will give you time away and like you said not have to hide from the kids.......thats hard. If your BS is willing to try then you should forsure do it....do anything you can to try, I think I said before, fight for him! Gabriele
lostsunsets Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 You should just let your H go and find someone to love him. A 2 1/2 year affair is unforgivable. You can't love him to do that.
Author mybrowneyedgirl Posted January 29, 2010 Author Posted January 29, 2010 i guess our goal would be just to get away and see how it goes. we're not trying to accomplish anything but to just talk. and by talk i mean just that. nothing particular on the agenda. i dont really want to discuss the A. im not sure that he does either. but with so many distractions in life its hard to see the reality of a situation without taking away the external interruptions. it does seem that a LOT of people plan some sort of vacation to try to reconnect or whatever. from what ive read some come back feeling that there is still something between them where some come back feeling like that "whatever" is gone and have a new realization on how their life should proceed. whatever happens i hope to make a positive change for the two of us, because right now it seems we're stuck in this sort of no mans land of living separate but not really changing anything about our lives except for the fact that we're under different roofs. so thank you posters who have shared your stories, i would welcome anyone else's input who has done something like this after an affair comes to light.
fooled once Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 the idea was acutally just to take a breather from life in general and try to find a way to make things better. im not talking about fixing our marriage. thats probably way too far gone. it would be about trying to be nice, stable, and have a conversation without having to hide it from the kids. Help me out here MBEG, if you think the marriage is too far gone, then why bother going away? And if you are still in contact with the AP, and still 'waffling' about that situation, then again, I don't think it would do any good to go away with your H.
Devil Inside Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 so thank you posters who have shared your stories, i would welcome anyone else's input who has done something like this after an affair comes to light. This summer after I gave my W the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" talk ( I had not yet disclosed the A) we went on a trip with her family and the kids. In the middle of the trip the two of us went off on our own for two days and a night. Before I left my IC recommended that I just go and try to spend time with her. He said that we should not try to have discussions about the past or the future, but instead just try to enjoy each others company and reconnect. So I went on the trip with these intentions. My W and I have always had a good friendship so we had fun hanging out and engaging in activities with each other. We made each other laugh. The night, however, was difficult. I think we both felt pressure to try to have sex. I had a really hard time being with her that way because I felt really guilty that I just was not into her sexually anymore because of the A. There was a lot of pressure and the night was just awkward. So some good and some bad. Overall I don't think it didn't hurt or help our M, but that is just where we are at. Good luck to you!
Author mybrowneyedgirl Posted January 29, 2010 Author Posted January 29, 2010 i guess if the marriage is too far gone the goal would be to establish some sort of amicable relationship that would allow us to be friendly for our children without casting off-handed blows at each other. to just spend some time with one another and see where it goes from there. yes, i've talked to xMM over the last few months. i wanted to hear him out and once i did i told him what i thought and cut it off. i wont deny that i have feelings for both men. but in my heart i love my H. i think if i could somehow free myself from the constant thoughts of xmm that i would be able to focus myself completely and be the loving devoted wife that i once was. its hard though, when the person you're addicted to is professing their love and saying all the right things. i just would love to spend some time with my H. to focus on the little things he does that make me smile and if nothing else to offer him some sort of comfort after all ive put him through. i at least owe him that much.
JAGeezer Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 i guess if the marriage is too far gone the goal would be to establish some sort of amicable relationship that would allow us to be friendly for our children without casting off-handed blows at each other. to just spend some time with one another and see where it goes from there. yes, i've talked to xMM over the last few months. i wanted to hear him out and once i did i told him what i thought and cut it off. i wont deny that i have feelings for both men. but in my heart i love my H. i think if i could somehow free myself from the constant thoughts of xmm that i would be able to focus myself completely and be the loving devoted wife that i once was. its hard though, when the person you're addicted to is professing their love and saying all the right things. i just would love to spend some time with my H. to focus on the little things he does that make me smile and if nothing else to offer him some sort of comfort after all ive put him through. i at least owe him that much. I have only one word of advice on your getaway. Don't bring the pity sex. If he initiates intimacy, fine. If he doesn't, then give him space and trust him to know what he needs from you. This could be either a reawakening, or it could be closure. That all depends on the two of you. At this point though, based on your own words on these boards, the kindest thing that you can probably do for the man is to let him go. Let him go heal and find someone else. He didn't deserve what you did to him, and he doesn't deserve to be strung along while you try to get your head together. While you've been on here you've been the very epitome of emotional ambivalence and non-commitment, and even if he were to agree to stay married to you it would simply do him more damage. JAG
Passion4Life Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 i guess if the marriage is too far gone the goal would be to establish some sort of amicable relationship that would allow us to be friendly for our children without casting off-handed blows at each other. to just spend some time with one another and see where it goes from there. yes, i've talked to xMM over the last few months. i wanted to hear him out and once i did i told him what i thought and cut it off. i wont deny that i have feelings for both men. but in my heart i love my H. i think if i could somehow free myself from the constant thoughts of xmm that i would be able to focus myself completely and be the loving devoted wife that i once was. its hard though, when the person you're addicted to is professing their love and saying all the right things. i just would love to spend some time with my H. to focus on the little things he does that make me smile and if nothing else to offer him some sort of comfort after all ive put him through. i at least owe him that much. great idea mbeg , just be postive best of luck
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