Pleco Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 I've been with my guy for almost a year. When we first met I was immensely attracted to him (physically, he is almost perfect). But I thought he was the partying type and he would be a lot of fun, just nothing serious. Turns out I was dead wrong. He is the LTR type, despite his appearance. We now live together. We are talking of marriage in a few years and buying a house together when our lease is up. He is pretty amazing. He sends me flowers at work for no reason. He is smart and thoughtful. He is very physical, he loves to make out and touch and snuggle. The sex is good. He tells me all the time how he feels about me and the things he loves about me. My problem: I am not a very emotional person. Most of the time I am happy but fairly neutral towards everything. There was only one time in my life where I was a very emotional person, and it was during a previous relationship. I fell head over heals for this guy because we got together at a very vulnerable time in my life. I was so attached to him it was sickening. I'm talking the shaky, can't live without him, can't bear to leave him kind of attachment. I've never felt feelings so intense before. And I am starting to think that I "used up" all those emotions on this one guy. We broke up (obviously) and I am forever relieved that we did! It was such an unhealthy thing for me even though my ex was a great guy. But now I am with my new guy and I don't feel anything towards him compared to what I used to feel for my first ex. While I don't think the feelings I had toward my ex were healthy, I still think that I should feel more towards my current boyfriend. I feel almost numb. I miss him when he leaves but not terribly. I enjoy my time alone. I like to kiss him and have sex but I don't crave it. I tell him I love him but I don't feel intense feelings of love. I am now not even sure what love really means. I have committed myself to him, but I wonder how long it can last. What if I meet someone else who brings out the same emotions I used to feel for my ex? I hope I don't!! My guy is great and we connect on so many levels. I NEVER get tired of being around him. We have fun, go out all the time, joke constantly and laugh, and we are physically attracted to each other. Is this all it takes? Should I be having any doubts about moving forward in our life together? I guess I am wondering what those of you in long term relationships actually FEEL for your partner.
Eeyore79 Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 The shaky, sickening kind of attachment is related to worry and stress and obsession, and is not healthy or stable. With your partner, you have a stable kind of relationship with no stress and no need for possessiveness, so of course you don't have all these unpleasant shaky feelings, you have a much more valuable sense of stability and trust. It's impossible to "use up" all of your emotions... but it's a bit worrying if you don't feel much for your current boyfriend. He sounds great though... perhaps you just need to spice things up a bit?
Buttnutter100 Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 You are definitely not ready to get married.
Author Pleco Posted January 30, 2010 Author Posted January 30, 2010 Eeyore...very helpful, thanks. I don't really think I "used up" my emotions, but I usually get numb to things very quickly (self-defense mechanism, I guess) and I feel numb to a lot of the emotions I felt when I was with my ex. Dunno if that's a bad thing or not. And we do spice things up...we are constantly traveling and trying new things (this month it is scuba diving, after that we are buying another motorcycle). So I would say it's not a matter or spicing things up. Maybe I'm just trying to cover all my bases...make sure I'm not missing something. Buttnutter...not so helpful. Care to explain? Thanks to all!
Eeyore79 Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 I don't mean spice things up in the sense of doing stuff like travelling or scuba diving. I mean spice things up between the two of you in terms of romance and sex. FRIENDS do stuff like scuba diving together - of course doing stuff together cements your friendship, which is also essential, but it won't generate those lovey-dovey feelings that you're missing. What you need is to become more intimate with your partner and develop more intense couple-y feelings - spend time doing romantic things together, kissing and making love, doing sweet things like leaving each other little love notes, etc. Love is something you have to work at, or it just dissolves into nothing but friendship. However I think the main problem here is that you're remembering an unhealthy sort of obsession you once experienced with someone who didn't really love you back, and you're interpreting that as real love... so because you don't experience this with your current boyfriend, you think you don't love him. What you experienced is something called "limerence" (google it if you want to know more about it). Limerence requires a certain balance of hope and uncertainty, and it keeps you in this obsessive and anxious state where you're hoping that someone loves you and worrying that they don't, and you feel those symptoms of trembling, nervousness, palpitations, and that sick feeling in your stomach. You don't feel this for your current boyfriend because you lack that balance of hope and uncertainty - you know he loves you, so your relationship has settled into a stable and affectionate bond, which is arguably better than a constant state of instability and lovesickness. You don't feel the need to cling to him like you did to your ex, because you're secure in his love and you trust him enough to feel comfortable with being apart from him. This is generally why women love jerks and not nice guys - because the jerks create a balance of hope/uncertainty (i.e. a state of limerence) which makes the woman feel intensely emotional and clingy, while the nice guys make the woman feel secure and the lack of uncertainty means that there isn't that state of limerence. If your man suddenly started acting all distant, I guarantee that you'd probably start feeling a limerent reaction - this is why people think they don't love someone but get all clingy when it seems like they might actually lose that person. Overall I think it sounds like you have a pretty happy and stable relationship, and are just msinterpreting that feeling of limerence as true love, instead of recognising the stability you currently have as being what real love is about. There are ways that you can introduce a bit of that limerent feeling into your existing relationship, by creating a little bit of uncertainty - spend a little bit of time apart and miss each other, or go out together and feel slightly jealous when other women look at or speak to your boyfriend - I find that even slight uncertainty is enough to ignite those limerent feelings and make me feel more loving and desiring of my partner. Taking someone for granted is a guaranteed way to kill off romantic feelings, so you have to avoid it at all costs.
bayouboi Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 You sound like how I felt my last girlfriend felt. If you're not that into him, please be honest with him and if that means letting him go, just be nice about it. I broke up with her because it got to the point where I could FEEL the lack of emotion she had towards me. She would even comment on a prior bf that she would have married just because of the passion they had together even though the passion was from fighting. Towards the end when I felt her withdrawing, I would try and instigate little fights just to give her some "passion" but to no avail. I think you're just not attracted to this guy. Wish you and him the best.
ladydesigner Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 Wow you sound exactly like me except 13 years. I too experienced what you said with my first love, and I too do not have those same feeling for my H never did. My H ended up having an A probably due to my lack of interest and then I had a revenge A which ended up with me falling for my AP (Affair Partner) and he made me feel those same feelings my first made me feel. Life is very confusing. Maybe you should talk to a counselor about this before you end up where I am. Your guy sounds like a wonderful man. Maybe you need to just let go. Are you afraid of being hurt by him? And then there is the chance that maybe you really aren't that attracted to him. I'm sorry you are going through this. I completely understand where you are at.
Blindsidedagainalive Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 I enjoyed Eeyore79's post. Although I cannot verify if this is accurate, I certainly agree that the problem is within you. I would call it a fear of intimacy, but again I am not big on labels. Consider going to a therapist to discuss this. He sounds like a great dude. It would be worth making a huge effort to make things work with him.
zwieback.toast Posted February 4, 2010 Posted February 4, 2010 It sounds like you're pretty young and you probably haven't gone out at least not seriously with all that many different guys. You think the grass is greener, there's something better out there, and you don't want to miss out on that unicorn guy you think is out there. Your first serious relationship was a "drama fest" and doesn't sound like it was healthy. With this guy, you thought you were getting a "bad boy" but he bait-and-switched you. He's actually husband material. You're not ready for that. You need to play the field some more. You need to give this guy his freedom, break up with him, and go out looking for that magical "soul mate" you think is out there somewhere for you. Who knows? You might just find him. Or, much more likely, you will go out with a string of mediocre guys, or terrible guys, or guys who are pretty good mostly but with one or two qualities that you just can't stand. And you will spend the next ten - 15 years looking for that Holy Grail. Or you will find a great guy or two and have fun with him but he won't want to commit to you. Or a great guy who commits to you and then cheats on you. And he will break your heart the way you are going to break your current boyfriend's heart. And you will get tired. And your biological clock will start ticking. And then if you mature enough (some girls never do) you will get "sensible" and "settle" for some guy who is OK, but who you will forever be comparing wistfully to this current guy who you are on the verge of kicking to the curb right now at this moment. The one who "got away." And you will always wonder what could have been.... ...until 20 years down the road, you will be on facebook and find this guy again. You will start an emotional and/or physical affair with this guy and destroy your marriage. Then you will get remarried to this guy and you will both cheat on each other anyway. Then you will post a thread on loveshack about it.
Author Pleco Posted February 5, 2010 Author Posted February 5, 2010 Wow, let me clarify a few things. I am in no way unhappy OR considering kicking my current boyfriend "to the curb!" I do not think the grass is greener (been through that one before), and I certainly do not believe in soulmates. Also, my last relationship was not a drama fest. The guy was wonderful and we are still best friends but at the time he could not commit and I think the description of "limerence" that Eeyore talked about hit the nail on the head. My post was more intended to ask those who are in LTRs how strongly they feel about their SOs. Sometimes my emotions (or lack thereof) confuse me and I want to make sure that everything is normal and we have what it takes to make it - that I'm not missing something obvious. We are seriously talking about marriage and even though it is a few years down the road, I want to cover all my bases. Eeyore - I think you pretty much have it right. Thank you for the post. I tend to be a thrill-seeker and the emotional high I got from my last ex, although unhealthy, was very much a thrill. The love I feel for my current boyfriend is so much more subtle and stable. I guess my biggest fear is that it isn't strong enough to last decades and that 20 years from now we will have grown apart. I see SO many people on here who are like that. And, we definitely keep the romance alive. Several date nights a week, we leave each other love notes (he even posted one up on our living room wall that I had left him one day). The sex is amazing and frequent. I think we have a great thing going. What got me worried is that several of my friends have recently told me stories about their parents or grandparents 30 to 60 year anniversaries, which led me to wonder what it takes to make something like that happen. It just blows my mind! Thanks for all the information and advice!
zwieback.toast Posted February 5, 2010 Posted February 5, 2010 Wow, let me clarify a few things. I am in no way unhappy OR considering kicking my current boyfriend "to the curb!" I do not think the grass is greener (been through that one before), and I certainly do not believe in soulmates. Also, my last relationship was not a drama fest. The guy was wonderful and we are still best friends but at the time he could not commit and I think the description of "limerence" that Eeyore talked about hit the nail on the head. Oh no no no no no no no no no no honey, homey don't play that. So your "ex" is still your best friend? You're comparing the feelings you had with your ex to your current relationship? You can't do that, you will end up having an affair with your ex, you will destroy your current relationship. Don't be one of those girls who keeps yo yo yoing back and forth. You have to cut things off entirely with your ex, he CANNOT be your "best friend," he cannot be your friend at all. You didn't say that in your first post. You're carrying a torch for your ex, that's what your problem is. You're keeping the "back door open" just in case your ex decides he CAN commit to you. Be honest with your current bf and break up with him, you are NOT ready for a committed relationship. You are looking for reasons as to why your current relationship should fail; the REAL reason is you are still pining for the ex and keeping the back door open should the ex ever want to "commit" to you. That's really really unfair to your current bf. Don't do that.
Author Pleco Posted February 5, 2010 Author Posted February 5, 2010 Oh no no no no no no no no no no honey, homey don't play that. So your "ex" is still your best friend? You're comparing the feelings you had with your ex to your current relationship? You can't do that, you will end up having an affair with your ex, you will destroy your current relationship. Don't be one of those girls who keeps yo yo yoing back and forth. You have to cut things off entirely with your ex, he CANNOT be your "best friend," he cannot be your friend at all. You didn't say that in your first post. You're carrying a torch for your ex, that's what your problem is. You're keeping the "back door open" just in case your ex decides he CAN commit to you. Be honest with your current bf and break up with him, you are NOT ready for a committed relationship. You are looking for reasons as to why your current relationship should fail; the REAL reason is you are still pining for the ex and keeping the back door open should the ex ever want to "commit" to you. That's really really unfair to your current bf. Don't do that. Wtf? You take a mile when given an inch, don't you? I said in my first post that the reason I fell hard for my ex was because I was at a very vulnerable time in my life. I have ZERO romantic feelings left for my ex. When we broke up, he moved 6 hours away and the situation I was in completely changed. I have no sexual attraction to him at ALL and could not even imagine being intimate with him again. He tried to talk about getting back together once but I will not even consider it and have told him so. But we are and always will be great friends. My boyfriend knows about this, has met him on several occasions (he comes to visit every few months), and they even talk every now and then online. You are way, way off track in both your posts. Thanks though.
Gabriele Posted February 6, 2010 Posted February 6, 2010 Hi there, you have to rememer that u posted on the 'infidelity' forum.. You will get some advice from people who have been through much emotional heartache and to hear your lack of interest soto speak soundS to most here like an affair waiting to happen. That being said, personally I don't think you sound at all like that is your train of thought. Your partner does sound great, and it does sound lke you have A great relationship. But the fact that this lack of passion or interest bothers you enough to seek some advice or opinions, I think that exploring some stuff with a counselor would maybe help you, and help your relationship. Sometimes, for whatever reason, it's hard to let ourselves be happy and content. Good-luck Gabriele
Author Pleco Posted February 6, 2010 Author Posted February 6, 2010 Thank you for the advice, but I didn't post in the infidelity forum. Not contemplating infidelity!
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