Is My Finace Being Unfaithful?

[ChaMem]

My fiance recently moved out of my house due (mostly) to arguments about the beginning of our relationship. He was committed from Day 1, while it took me about a year to open up and relaly commit. He feels he made many sacrifices while I did nothing during that time. But since then (for 2 years), I've done everything I can to show him how much he means to me, but he still holds a grudge.

 

Now he's got this old high school friend, a woman, whom he talks to online almost everyday. She's new in town and just got divorced. Recently, he accidentally sent me an e-mail thread between them. She calls him "Love." However, his e-mails were harmless; he actually mentioned details about our wedding plans. He says she just needs a friend, but I'm concerned about this developing into something else, especially with him recently moving out. I asked him to please just dial it back a bit with her while we try to work things out. He said: "No, I'm done throwing everything away for you. I'm not going to throw away a completely harmless friendship just because you ask me to. I did enough of that in the past." I've responded with nothing but kindness.

 

Now that he's moved out, he doesn't call when he says he will, if he calls at all. He's always got some lame excuse for why he wasn't around when he said he'd be, or why he's two hours late coming over. We hardly see each other. I'm questioning our relationship. We're already in premarital counseling. I don't know what else to do. Could he be cheating?

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

Even if I gave him the benefit of the doubt, and said he wasn't cheating, there are so many red flags (not infidelity related) from your side of the story.

 

From what I've read, you are best to officially cut ties and move on, before you figure out if he is doing (or has done) something unforgivable...

[Eeyore79]

Him talking to another woman every day is extremely dodgy, especially if he's determined to continue doing it to the detriment of your relationship and despite your requests for him to stop. I don't see a problem with her calling him "love"... maybe she calls everyone that... my ex emails me and still calls me "hon" even though there's nothing going on but friendship. But I do see a problem with him not seeing you, ignoring your requests, being late, not calling, etc... it doesn't sound like the relationship is going well

[ChaMem]

Thanks for the replies. After posting this, I realized these are a bunch of red flags and bad signs. I just wonder if he's trying to punish me for the past. I know that either way -- cheating or punishing me -- what he's doing is wrong, and I have to do something about it.

[Chingaling]

I find it disturbing that at a time you are both supposedly working towards a marriage that he has withdrawn from you. My intuition is that it is directly related to the return of the ex, who is back in town and available. Speaking from experience, a reunion with an old flame can be extremely emotional - especially if the connection is still there and your current relationship has problems. The lure is almost impossible to resist. I would think that his withdrawing from you emotionally and physically is a direct result of his removing himself from your relationship while he explores the possiibility of rekindling his romance with his ex.

 

He may have started an EA with his old girlfriend, and her proximity now gives them an opportunity for them to be in a PA. I kept in touch with an old flame for over 20 years while both of us were in other relationships. It was a friendship, yes, but there was always a huge undertone of "someday, maybe". We were fortunate that we lived far away from each other, or else I am sure we would have combusted.

 

Even though the email you received in error may have been innocuous, keep in mind that not all communication is as cut and dry as the typed word - that verbal communication is much more intimate. Many of the emails between my flame and I were very general - it is the real life interraction that fans the fire.

 

He may well be comparing his relationship with you vs what he had/has with the ex...and with her you can be sure that he is remembering their relationship with rose colored glasses.

 

Heads up Chamem... I hope your wedding isn't coming up quickly, because I think that you need to resolve this situation before you walk down the aisle.

 

I wish you all the best.

[ChaMem]

Thanks, Chingaling. What you say makes perfect sense, and I since have begun to suspect an EA.

 

He recently told me that he and the woman had a disagreement while chatting online. He said, "Guess we won't be great friends after all." I asked why he thought that, and he said he "e-mailed her to ask about her day," and she replied with very short answers. He says she usually replies with a long story. So he can tell she's mad. I mean, I felt like I was talking to my FRIEND about a girl he likes ... not my fiance!!! Why would he think it's OK to share this?! Also, why is he e-mailing a woman to ask about her day? Then, yesterday he said he thinks she isn't mad anymore becuase she e-mailed to ask about his morning. If this isn't an EA, why are they constantly talking like this?!

 

On the other hand, I can't help wondering if he's talking to me about this friendship because it really is nothing. He has no friends in this city outside of me, and he was very excited when she contacted to say she's back. Could he just be glad to have a friend? But why would he be willing to have a relationship with her to the detriment of OUR relationship if he didn't have any romantic feelings for her? So many questions, and no real answers!!!

[2sunny]

Thanks, Chingaling. What you say makes perfect sense, and I since have begun to suspect an EA.

 

He recently told me that he and the woman had a disagreement while chatting online. He said, "Guess we won't be great friends after all." I asked why he thought that, and he said he "e-mailed her to ask about her day," and she replied with very short answers. He says she usually replies with a long story. So he can tell she's mad. I mean, I felt like I was talking to my FRIEND about a girl he likes ... not my fiance!!! Why would he think it's OK to share this?! Also, why is he e-mailing a woman to ask about her day? Then, yesterday he said he thinks she isn't mad anymore because she e-mailed to ask about his morning. If this isn't an EA, why are they constantly talking like this?!

 

On the other hand, I can't help wondering if he's talking to me about this friendship because it really is nothing. He has no friends in this city outside of me, and he was very excited when she contacted to say she's back. Could he just be glad to have a friend? But why would he be willing to have a relationship with her to the detriment of OUR relationship if he didn't have any romantic feelings for her? So many questions, and no real answers!!!

 

he does have feelings for her... don't fool yourself.

 

he's spending time and energy on HER. the time and energy he COULD be spending with you... does that tell you anything?

 

FWIW - men don't do this with a gal they aren't generally totally interested in. she's cutting into your relationship because he wants that more than he wants time with you.

 

why don't you tell him what i typed here and see what his reaction is?

 

i'd dump him - you will see that within a day or so he will declare himself dating her... which he may as well be at this point. you are just standing in his way. make it real simple and easy for him - otherwise he's likely to make you the fool.

[beanzmom]

The fact that he holds a grudge against you, his intended spouse, is a red flag in and of itself.

 

If the "friendship" is innocent (i'm in a similar situation, have a married male friend from HS that I talk to daily...completely innocent...trust me) then I don't question his talking to her. But it sounds as if it moved from the innocent realm.

 

My advice? give the ring back. This is a precursor to your future life together.

 

good luck!

[zwieback.toast]

Yes, he is being unfaithful: it is at the least, a pretty serious emotional affair.

[stuckinoz]

It seems to me that if he moved out - The two of you are broken up.

Are you still dating?

 

If you aren't what difference does it make if he has an "emotional relationship" with someone else?

 

Also, shame on him for giving you so much information about the emails that go back & forth with this other woman. It sounds to me like he's trying to make you jealous. Give the ring back. This guy may well not be worth your time. It is probably a good thing you found out now how he handles disagreements. Imagine if you were 5-10-15 years down the road.

Good luck to you.

[on1wheel]

Yes he is having an A; question is what kind? EA or PA still means he's cheating kiddo.

Walk away & stay away, as he does not respect either you or your relationship. In case you weren't sure, DO NOT GET MARRIED!!!

This is a glimpse into what being married to him would be like.

BTW, as a man, I don't invest time into someone I don't want to sleep with. Sad but true; guys are all about the sex.

I wish you well & hope you find happiness.

[AsTearsGoBy]

Being that you are going to be married, his moving out is really going backwards. You got a feeling that he was confiding in you as if you were the friend and she was the love interest is your intuition talking to you i believe. This is so insensitive and out of line. His ex should be out of the picture 100%!!! I am so sorry you are going through this, this should be a very happy time in your life...planning your wedding and honeymoon. Please be strong and do what you feel is right for YOU!

[ChaMem]

It seems to me that if he moved out - The two of you are broken up.

Are you still dating?

 

If you aren't what difference does it make if he has an "emotional relationship" with someone else?

 

Also, shame on him for giving you so much information about the emails that go back & forth with this other woman. It sounds to me like he's trying to make you jealous. Give the ring back. This guy may well not be worth your time. It is probably a good thing you found out now how he handles disagreements. Imagine if you were 5-10-15 years down the road.

Good luck to you.

 

Yes, the plan was to continue to date. We were supposed to stay engaged and plan the wedding, and the next time we'd live together, it was supposed to feel like this "new beginning" where we chose a place that we BOTH picked out to live together instead of him moving into my house.

 

Now I see it wasn't such a good idea. Or maybe it was, because now many other issues are coming to light.

[ChaMem]

Being that you are going to be married, his moving out is really going backwards. You got a feeling that he was confiding in you as if you were the friend and she was the love interest is your intuition talking to you i believe. This is so insensitive and out of line. His ex should be out of the picture 100%!!! I am so sorry you are going through this, this should be a very happy time in your life...planning your wedding and honeymoon. Please be strong and do what you feel is right for YOU!

 

Thanks, AsTearsGoBy. I didn't think it was going to be a step back, but you're right, it sure feels that way. We spend weekends together. That's it.

 

Just to clarify, this is not his ex. They were friends in high school. He had a crush on her, but she wasn't interested. The other day, he got upset because I didn't return one of his e-mails fast enough (I was working!), so he told me, "Well, if you wonder why she and I talk so much, it's because SHE never makes me wait around for an e-mail from her."

 

Oh my gosh, as I type this, I'm just appalled at him. I can't even believe I'm even still WITH him! I can't believe I agreed to marry this!

 

We're in counseling, which was his idea. He's put a lot of effort into that, and into talking to me about his issues. This was my last hope, but now I just feel like a fool for letting it continue.

[ladydesigner]

I wouldn't get married to him. If you are already having these kinds of problems before you get married how about down the road when REAL big marital issues arise. He sounds very insecure with himself and is using this other girl to boost his ego. Not cool. It is an affair waiting to happen either now or down the road. It shouldn't be this hard for you two.

[whichwayisup]

so he told me, "Well, if you wonder why she and I talk so much, it's because SHE never makes me wait around for an e-mail from her."

 

How sweet of him to say this to you.

 

I would bring this up in your next counselling session.

 

Anyway, maybe take time for yourself to figure out if you DO want to marry this guy. I don't like the way he's handling things, and the how nasty he's been towards you, playing little games and with that - Intentionally!

[RobM]

It's hard enough for many people to get along after they get married, if you can't get along and need therapy before you get married, that to me is a very very bad sign and I would put off the marriage until you figure out if he is the right guy for you.

[whichwayisup]

It's hard enough for many people to get along after they get married, if you can't get along and need therapy before you get married, that to me is a very very bad sign and I would put off the marriage until you figure out if he is the right guy for you.

 

Exactly. It shouldn't be this hard, especially right now. There seems to be no happiness, no real love being shared, no excitement build up for the wedding, no wanting to just hang out with one another and have fun.

 

Can I ask what your bf means when he's given up alot for you?

[ChaMem]

What he means when he says he's given up a lot is that he sold all of his furniture to move into the house that I bought (in 2007) about a year after we started dating. Before we ever talked about living together, I got a dog. He didn't appreciate this because, if we ever did live together, I didn't consult with him whether or not he'd want a dog in the house. After moving in, the dog bugged him to no end. Then, he helped me pay significant amounts toward my mortgage, on a house that he thought was a bad idea for me to buy -- and that I didn't consult him on.

 

He felt I made a lot of selfish, self-centered decisions in the first year, while all he ever thought about was our future and what he could do to help us. I admit that I probably seemed selfish, but I used that first year to get to know him and finally decided to open up and really give my all to the caring, generous, thoughtful person that I thought he was.

 

At the time, I also didn't realize that he had a lot of unresolved issues with his emotionally abusive mother. During the times that he felt I was emotionally unavailable for him, it's like he was reminded of her. And just like he built up a lot of anger toward her, he's built up the same thing toward me.

 

We're finally beginning to address this issue in therapy.

[lorangie1]

It's been a while since you last posted and I'm curious as to how things have been playing out and how the therapy has been working?

 

I read this post today and it struck a cord with me because I was in the same relationship, however, I played the part of your fiance in my last relationship, albeit there were minor differences. My ex and I had a shaky beginning, where I was fully committed and wanted only him and he wanted to play the field, while stringing me along. We eventually ended up becoming a serious couple after 9 months but sadly during the entire relationship I was plagued with feelings of resentment and anger and the need to "get back" at him and that is exactly what your fiance is doing. It's WRONG. You should not tolerate his behavior at all. He is completely moving backwards by having moved out, starting up this new "platonic" relationship with his old friend who you say he used to have a crush on (!!!) and by giving you details about his encounters with her. He is definitely trying to make you jealous and he is trying to "get back" at you. I did this CONSTANTLY with my ex and it ruined us. He should never have asked you to marry him or stayed with you if he felt the way he does, it is incredibly unhealthy.

 

I know you said he has deep rooted issues with his mother. I can understand a little of why he acts the way he does, but you are not his mother and he can't punish you for something his mother did and for something you did a long time ago. You have worked at being a loyal girlfriend and proving your love for him, he needs to realize that or this will be something you two will fight about for a REALLY LONG TIME or even possibly your whole life together.

 

I don't think he's cheating physically, however. I honestly never physically cheated, the guilt would've killed me. I did so emotionally though, with MANY men. I used it to raise my self esteem which had sunk dangerously low. I felt unloved by my ex and I needed reassurance from other men, how silly is that? And sad! It seems to me he is using this woman as a pawn, using her to make you jealous and to irritate you and also to boost his ego which has been damaged. I realize it's been a few years but I also was with my ex for almost 4 years and those feelings never faded. Your fiance unfortunately sounds like me in my last relationship which is immature, unable to forget, can't move forward and it's making him do things he otherwise wouldn't do. If I were you I'd seriously think about calling off the wedding for now until those feelings your fiance has go away, and it won't happen overnight. This is something that has been building up for a long time and it will take just as long to "fix."

 

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I feel tremendous guilt everyday about the pain I caused my ex and a ton of regret because we had a great relationship otherwise and I feel he is the one, or was, I guess. It's too late now for me. I hope your fiance doesn't go any futher in ruining yours.

 

I hope you don't find any of what I wrote offensive or pushy or insulting. I just wrote what I felt because I know what it's like from the other side. Best of luck, and please keep us updated.