first post, how should I proceed with this female?

[jdot]

Butternutter, some, if not most, of what you're saying is very true. I read it and it feels like something I would have written myself. However it is only true if your ultimate goal is sleeping with the girl. This is where it gets complicated for me; I'm not sure what my goal is. I see that there could possibly be something deeper between us, but she is graduating (we both go to college together) next semester, and subsequently moving back home to Boston which is a good 300 miles or so away from where we our school is. So I'm kind of torn, and leaning towards just making my primary goal to sleep with her, and if something more develops afterwards, I'll go from there.

 

Update: I ended up going out on wednesday and texted her telling her telling her that she should come. She said she couldn't as she had to do some school work for the next day, and told me to have fun. Then I saw her at work yesterday and we talked/flirted the whole time and she seemed pretty enthusiastic about coming to my party tonight.

So, we shall see what happens.

 

Also, you guys were telling me to be really attentive to her the whole night, making it clear that I "want" her. How attentive are we talking? We aren't dating after all, and I don't want to put all my eggs in one basket so to speak (there will be plenty of other girls there).

 

Female input will be much appreciated (no offense men, but we all tend to make the same mistakes haha).

[stace79]

Butternutter, some, if not most, of what you're saying is very true. I read it and it feels like something I would have written myself. However it is only true if your ultimate goal is sleeping with the girl. This is where it gets complicated for me; I'm not sure what my goal is. I see that there could possibly be something deeper between us, but she is graduating (we both go to college together) next semester, and subsequently moving back home to Boston which is a good 300 miles or so away from where we our school is. So I'm kind of torn, and leaning towards just making my primary goal to sleep with her, and if something more develops afterwards, I'll go from there.

 

Update: I ended up going out on wednesday and texted her telling her telling her that she should come. She said she couldn't as she had to do some school work for the next day, and told me to have fun. Then I saw her at work yesterday and we talked/flirted the whole time and she seemed pretty enthusiastic about coming to my party tonight.

So, we shall see what happens.

 

Also, you guys were telling me to be really attentive to her the whole night, making it clear that I "want" her. How attentive are we talking? We aren't dating after all, and I don't want to put all my eggs in one basket so to speak (there will be plenty of other girls there).

 

Female input will be much appreciated (no offense men, but we all tend to make the same mistakes haha).

 

Okay, I am trying not to get annoyed here. So bear with me. But would you want a guy talking about your sister this way? "Well, maybe there could be something, but I at least want to sleep with her since she's leaving."

 

I mean, that is an awful way to look at females. It honestly makes me sad that so many men have this outlook, too.

[Buttnutter100]

Butternutter, some, if not most, of what you're saying is very true. I read it and it feels like something I would have written myself. However it is only true if your ultimate goal is sleeping with the girl. This is where it gets complicated for me; I'm not sure what my goal is. I see that there could possibly be something deeper between us, but she is graduating (we both go to college together) next semester, and subsequently moving back home to Boston which is a good 300 miles or so away from where we our school is. So I'm kind of torn, and leaning towards just making my primary goal to sleep with her, and if something more develops afterwards, I'll go from there.

 

 

Well you certainly don't have to single-mindedly try to have sex with her so I apologize if that's what I was implying. However, you will want to at least do what you can to avoid getting "friend-zoned." Given that she is moving away soon it's unlikely she would be looking at you as "relationship" material anyway. It would be impractical all the way around.

 

I think girls have a split personality about this sort of thing: if you're too aggressive it's a turn off; if you're too polite you get friend-zoned. You do want to inject some level of physicality if you have an opportunity, whether that's some casual hugs, putting your arm around her, tickling, and at least see if you can try to sneak in a kiss or two. If it turns into something more, fine; if not, hey you tried, that's all you can do.

 

But, I have a feeling she really does like you which is why you've been picking up some signals from her. However, given that she's moving away, she's ambivalent as she doesn't want to let herself get seriously involved with you only to have to move away. So I'm guessing these are issues that might be on her mind.

 

Update: I ended up going out on wednesday and texted her telling her telling her that she should come. She said she couldn't as she had to do some school work for the next day, and told me to have fun. Then I saw her at work yesterday and we talked/flirted the whole time and she seemed pretty enthusiastic about coming to my party tonight.

So, we shall see what happens.

 

 

Sounds like you handled it well.

 

Also, you guys were telling me to be really attentive to her the whole night, making it clear that I "want" her. How attentive are we talking? We aren't dating after all, and I don't want to put all my eggs in one basket so to speak (there will be plenty of other girls there).

 

Well as for myself, I didn't mean you should hover around her for the whole party, just that you should be sure to not be too "polite" with her. Put some kind of physical moves on her at some point in the party and see if she's receptive or reciprocates. Careful about how you look for the other opportunities at the party; if she's not sure about you and you're too brazen it might be a turn off for her (or it could be a turn on, who knows?)

 

Just try to be cool with her because even if sparks don't fly with her tonight, you want to maintain the friendship for future networking opportunities. She has friends I'm sure, know what I mean?

 

 

Female input will be much appreciated (no offense men, but we all tend to make the same mistakes haha).

 

If you get any responses from any females here, just do the opposite of whatever they say, and you'll be fine.

[stace79]

Why do so many women nowadays seem to feel that sex is OK anywhere except with the guy they claim to want to be emotionally committed to?

 

It is almost laughably dysfunctional to be having regular sex with someone whom you don't claim to be emotionally intimate, yet with another person whom you claim to want to be emotionally intimate, you won't have sex with them.

 

Yet that disconnect seems to be repeated over and over and over and over on these boards. Women who claim to love their husbands yet refuse to have sex with them, or cheat on them. And I suppose men who do the same thing.

 

Actually you are entitled to live your life your own way but I don't think you will end up happy nor will you ever be able to have a fulfilling relationship with a man until you "graduate" in your thought processes about sex and about relationships.

 

No it doesn't have to "make sense" to me because I am not interested in a relationship with you. But it DOES have to make sense to whichever guy you want to commit to you. You obviously haven't found that guy yet. But you fail to make a connection between your behaviors and that lack.

 

In any event you are playing games by having sex with your FWB and not being upfront about that relationship with potential romantic partners. IMO.

 

If I have a FWB, and he knows that we are friends who have sex, then I'm not playing any games. He knows if I'm going on a date with anyone, and he also knows the type of woman I am, that I don't just give it up to any guy who takes me out & buys me a drink or dinner. He and I do things outside of sex, too, as friends do (play pool, see movies, play rock band with groups of friends).

 

The guys I may go out with aren't sleeping with me, and it's none of their business what i do when I'm not with them unless and until we 1) have the exclusivity talk and/or 2) start having an intimate physical relationship. And even then, it's not their business that I had a FWB, as if I decided to pursue something with another guy, the FWB thing would end. (And even more personal, the FWB and I are always extremely cautious.)

 

So it's not like I'm unattached emotionally from my FWB. Conversely, he's a very important person in my life right now.

 

Just because I don't subscribe to YOUR way of thinking doesn't mean my thinking is flawed or that I need to "graduate" my thought processes. And as for this OP taking advice from women, well... he wants to get with a woman doesn't he? It's been proven over and over again that men have not a clue what women really want.

[jdot]

Okay, I am trying not to get annoyed here. So bear with me. But would you want a guy talking about your sister this way? "Well, maybe there could be something, but I at least want to sleep with her since she's leaving."

 

I mean, that is an awful way to look at females. It honestly makes me sad that so many men have this outlook, too.

stace, do you have a sex drive? My line (as well as that of most males) of thinking is completely logical and natural, and I bet that many women think the same way too. We are all sexual beings, and sex, along with hunger, is one of the most basal drives. That in mind, how is it "an awful way to look at females."?

 

If someone described my sister this way to me, to my face, yes, I would probably break his nose. Not because he thinks of her this way, but because he has the audacity to say it to my face. I know that this is how most men think of women, so that in itself wouldn't bother me; just because she happens to be my sister doesn't change the fact that she's also a female. Additionally, I would have faith in her to be able to handle the situation properly.

[stace79]

stace, do you have a sex drive? My line (as well as that of most males) of thinking is completely logical and natural, and I bet that many women think the same way too. We are all sexual beings, and sex, along with hunger, is one of the most basal drives. That in mind, how is it "an awful way to look at females."?

 

If someone described my sister this way to me, to my face, yes, I would probably break his nose. Not because he thinks of her this way, but because he has the audacity to say it to my face. I know that this is how most men think of women, so that in itself wouldn't bother me; just because she happens to be my sister doesn't change the fact that she's also a female. Additionally, I would have faith in her to be able to handle the situation properly.

 

Trust me, I know my case is a hopeless one, but is it really so much to ask that men could find something worthwhile in a woman even if he is never going to get to bang her?

[jdot]

I have plenty of great female friends whom I will never bang. I understand that you want men to see you as a person, and I'm not at all saying I don't see women I want to have sex with as people, because I do. But people have sex.