jdot Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 So there's this girl whom I work with and am interested in. I saw her out at a bar two weeks ago and started talking, saying I recognized her from work. We had a nice little chat, and from what I could tell she was interested in me as well. Fastforward to last week, and she comes into work and sits next to me. We chat and flirt the whole time. Then fastforward again to today when the same chatting and flirting occur. We talk about maybe going out to a bar tonight, and when I leave I say goodbye and tell her "I'll let her know if I end up going out tonight, and if not, I'll see her tomorrow." I think this sounds a little bit disinterested on my part, and now I'm wondering what my next move should be. I'm leaning towards not going out at all tonight because I'm pretty tired, so should I text her and tell her this, or should I just not text her and wait to see her tomorrow? I'm pretty clueless on matters like these, as I don't have much experience with actually courting a woman, and have, until this point settled for one night stands. Any and all input will be greatly apprecieated. Thanks.
sagetalk Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 If she wants you, it doesn't matter. If she doesn't want you, it doesn't matter. Either way, go after her and see what happens .
BG1985 Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 If you don't feel like going out, then don't go out. You don't owe her an explanation. Do you think she would do the same for you?
Author jdot Posted January 28, 2010 Author Posted January 28, 2010 nope, prolly not lol. i've just blown so many chances out of my obliviousness in the past that now I over-analyze everything. I've also had a string of bad luck (haven't been with a girl since thanksgiving). Also, do you think it would be better to ask her on a date, or invite her to the party me and my roommates are throwing this friday?
Buttnutter100 Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 OK here's what you need to do: The next time you go into work, the very next time, you find this girl and tell her: "Hey, after work today, let's go to [nearby bar] and have a cocktail or two." Don't take her to a party; don't go out on a date. Be an adult and ask her out after work for a cocktail. Preferably somewhere that is in very short walking distance from where you work. The closer the better. Preferably someplace she's familiar with or you're familiar with. If she's not sure, or plays it coy, you tell her where and when you are going to be there: "Well that's cool if you can't make it, maybe some other time, but in any case I'll be at Murphy's Bar [or wherever] at 5:00 p.m." This gives her the opportunity to doubt herself and change her mind and meet you there anyway. If she DOES NOT meet you there, you go there anyway, by yourself, looking to have a good time and speak with any other women who are there, and as many as possible. If you meet a new one, great. At some point your work friend's curiosity will get the better of her. The next day she may ask you "So what did you end up doing last night?" So you tell her yeah I went out and had a great time, you should have been there. And, if you DO meet another chick at the bar, just smile at your work friend like the cat who got the canary and say "Ha ha well I had a good time but I can't really get into it right now." If you "smile" just the right way she'll know what you were doing. If she thinks you're not a mope with no other options you'll become very very intriguing and alluring to her. At some point if you just live your life and play it cool you will have an opportunity with this woman. She will come to you. Remember that. She will come to you.
skydiveaddict Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 If she wants you, it doesn't matter. If she doesn't want you, it doesn't matter. Either way, go after her and see what happens . I agree w/ Sage
Author jdot Posted January 28, 2010 Author Posted January 28, 2010 I like your idea Butternut, the only problem is that we work during the day ( I get off at 12:30 and she gets off at 3:30 I believe) so most bars won't be very heavily populated, making it hard for me to find another girl. I do however understand what you are saying, and I agree that I have to let her come to me. So you think it best that I don't invite her to the party on friday?
Zeegagge Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 Yah invite her and see how she dresses, offer her a drink and keep your game on tight, you got this
Buttnutter100 Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 Yah invite her and see how she dresses, offer her a drink and keep your game on tight, you got this Yeah on second thought jdot I agree with zeegagge the invite to the party is fine. Then it's "game on." Make sure you're very "hands on" at the party--not grabbing her tits or anything like that--but you know putting your arm around her, little back rubs, tickle her, after she's had a couple of drinks be sure to surprise her with a quick little kiss, lips or cheek doesn't matter. Catch her offguard. Then if she looks at you like "Why did you do that?" just shrug and say: "I don't know. It was an impulse. It just felt right." Then smile.
stace79 Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 nope, prolly not lol. i've just blown so many chances out of my obliviousness in the past that now I over-analyze everything. I've also had a string of bad luck (haven't been with a girl since thanksgiving). Also, do you think it would be better to ask her on a date, or invite her to the party me and my roommates are throwing this friday? As for me (and I'm female so I like to think I know what I'm talking about): if you just text her and tell her you're not going out tonight, or you don't text at all, she will think you're not interested. If you just want another booty call, then that's perfectly acceptable. If you are interested in dating this girl, I would suggest you let her know you're not going out tonight b/c you're tired, but suggest either she come to your party OR ask her to go on a date with you. Don't play games or assume she knows what you want. (I would give her the same advice if she was posting.) Telling her you can't go, but letting her know you want to see her soon, will let her know of your interest and intentions. Otherwise she might just feel like she's getting the "blow off". Good luck!
stace79 Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 Ugh. No games. Being an adult does not mean playing games. Just ask the girl out. If she says no, move on. If she says yes, go out with no expectations and just get to know her outside of work. It does NOT have to be this freaking complicated. OK here's what you need to do: The next time you go into work, the very next time, you find this girl and tell her: "Hey, after work today, let's go to [nearby bar] and have a cocktail or two." Don't take her to a party; don't go out on a date. Be an adult and ask her out after work for a cocktail. Preferably somewhere that is in very short walking distance from where you work. The closer the better. Preferably someplace she's familiar with or you're familiar with. If she's not sure, or plays it coy, you tell her where and when you are going to be there: "Well that's cool if you can't make it, maybe some other time, but in any case I'll be at Murphy's Bar [or wherever] at 5:00 p.m." This gives her the opportunity to doubt herself and change her mind and meet you there anyway. If she DOES NOT meet you there, you go there anyway, by yourself, looking to have a good time and speak with any other women who are there, and as many as possible. If you meet a new one, great. At some point your work friend's curiosity will get the better of her. The next day she may ask you "So what did you end up doing last night?" So you tell her yeah I went out and had a great time, you should have been there. And, if you DO meet another chick at the bar, just smile at your work friend like the cat who got the canary and say "Ha ha well I had a good time but I can't really get into it right now." If you "smile" just the right way she'll know what you were doing. If she thinks you're not a mope with no other options you'll become very very intriguing and alluring to her. At some point if you just live your life and play it cool you will have an opportunity with this woman. She will come to you. Remember that. She will come to you.
txsilkysmoothe Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 No games! Women know when you're playing and one of two things happen: 1. She walks away for good, or 2. She starts playing games also and it just becomes a battle of wills until you're sick of one another. You kind of said "you'll let her know" soooooo..... let her know. A man of his word, that will set you apart from the majority of men in her mind. Isn't that what you want??
Buttnutter100 Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 Ugh. No games. Being an adult does not mean playing games. Just ask the girl out. If she says no, move on. If she says yes, go out with no expectations and just get to know her outside of work. It does NOT have to be this freaking complicated. What games? I suggested he invite her out for cocktails to a local bar. Easy, relaxed, non-threatening. If she says "yes," great, go out for drinks and let the chips fall. But he also needs to know what he should do if she says "No." Because if she says "no," with their history, then it's the girl who's most likely playing the game. And if he's going to play her game, then why not play to win?
Buttnutter100 Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 No games! Women know when you're playing and one of two things happen: 1. She walks away for good, or 2. She starts playing games also and it just becomes a battle of wills until you're sick of one another. You kind of said "you'll let her know" soooooo..... let her know. A man of his word, that will set you apart from the majority of men in her mind. Isn't that what you want?? LOL. They're already playing a game. It's called the "mating dance." If you really believed what you were posting, then you would not find it objectionable if guys randomly walked up to you in the grocery story and said: "You're attractive. Can we go back to my place and have sex?" Please don't tell me you wouldn't find that kind of conduct offensive. But you know what? When you go out to a party, a bar, a supermarket, etc., that's pretty much what EVERY guy who's at all interested in a girl is thinking about the girl. "No games"? LOL. Esp. coming from a female.
stace79 Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 What games? I suggested he invite her out for cocktails to a local bar. Easy, relaxed, non-threatening. If she says "yes," great, go out for drinks and let the chips fall. But he also needs to know what he should do if she says "No." Because if she says "no," with their history, then it's the girl who's most likely playing the game. And if he's going to play her game, then why not play to win? If she says no, who says she's playing a game? Maybe she really doesn't like him. I don't say "no" to a night out with a man if I'm interested. You must be dating high schoolers. I haven't played games like this since I was 18.
Buttnutter100 Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 If she says no, who says she's playing a game? Maybe she really doesn't like him. I don't say "no" to a night out with a man if I'm interested. You must be dating high schoolers. I haven't played games like this since I was 18. LOL I wish I was dating high schoolers. (Just kidding just kidding!) Seriously stace--if a man who you were interested in, and let's say your interest was sexual, came right up to you and said: "Hey I'm sexually interested in you, I can tell you feel the same way about me, so let's skip the preliminaries, and go back to my place and have sex," are you telling me you would respond by saying: "Yes you are correct, I am sexually interested in you. So yes let's go back to your place and bonk." Seriously? No you would probably be very offended by this sexually attractive man who refused to play games and was simply totally honest with you, even if he could read you like a book. No, you would demand he take you out for a night on the town first, drinks, dinner, jump through whatever your particular hoops, etc. etc. before you would get physical with him. Those "courting rituals" are "games," my dear. When you say you're "interested" in a man, does that mean your "interest" is simply to have him buy you dinner and drinks? Or when you say "interested" do you mean "sexually interested"? And, if your interest in a man is not "sexual," do you actually tell him that when he invites you for a "night out"? I.e. do you tell him: "Look buddy I'm happy to go out with you but I'll be upfront, it's not going anywhere." Again I daresay you probably don't have such open and honest conversations. Or alternatively, if a man whom you are "interested" in asks you for a "night out," do you tell him the following: "Yes I will agree to go out with you for the night because I share your initial sexual attraction to myself. If the evening goes well, there is a good likelihood that we will have sexual relations before the night is through. However, in order to achieve that end result, I must first determine whether you 'qualify' to have sex with me. I.e. I will ask you about your employment, your income, your hobbies, your habits, your past relationships. I will observe how you interact with me and others in social situations to determine whether you are a sufficiently alpha male to warrant my sexual attentions. If I decide that you are long term relationship material, however, I may deny you sex this evening that I would otherwise bestow upon you, because I don't want you to think I'm 'that kind of girl.'" Nah, I thought not.
stace79 Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 LOL I wish I was dating high schoolers. (Just kidding just kidding!) Seriously stace--if a man who you were interested in, and let's say your interest was sexual, came right up to you and said: "Hey I'm sexually interested in you, I can tell you feel the same way about me, so let's skip the preliminaries, and go back to my place and have sex," are you telling me you would respond by saying: "Yes you are correct, I am sexually interested in you. So yes let's go back to your place and bonk." Seriously? No you would probably be very offended by this sexually attractive man who refused to play games and was simply totally honest with you, even if he could read you like a book. No, you would demand he take you out for a night on the town first, drinks, dinner, jump through whatever your particular hoops, etc. etc. before you would get physical with him. Those "courting rituals" are "games," my dear. When you say you're "interested" in a man, does that mean your "interest" is simply to have him buy you dinner and drinks? Or when you say "interested" do you mean "sexually interested"? And, if your interest in a man is not "sexual," do you actually tell him that when he invites you for a "night out"? I.e. do you tell him: "Look buddy I'm happy to go out with you but I'll be upfront, it's not going anywhere." Again I daresay you probably don't have such open and honest conversations. Or alternatively, if a man whom you are "interested" in asks you for a "night out," do you tell him the following: "Yes I will agree to go out with you for the night because I share your initial sexual attraction to myself. If the evening goes well, there is a good likelihood that we will have sexual relations before the night is through. However, in order to achieve that end result, I must first determine whether you 'qualify' to have sex with me. I.e. I will ask you about your employment, your income, your hobbies, your habits, your past relationships. I will observe how you interact with me and others in social situations to determine whether you are a sufficiently alpha male to warrant my sexual attentions. If I decide that you are long term relationship material, however, I may deny you sex this evening that I would otherwise bestow upon you, because I don't want you to think I'm 'that kind of girl.'" Nah, I thought not. Actually, if you want brutal honesty: I don't just have sex with any random guy. I actually have ONE guy whom I've known for years, and I've flat out told him that us in a relationship would never go anywhere, but I really enjoy spending time with him and we have a lot of passion together. We both understand if either of us gets into another relationship that that obviously ends. He respects me enough to let me know that -- neither of us sleep around. If I'm dating a guy with the hopes of a relationship, sex isn't at the forefront for me. I don't go out to dinner or whatever with a guy to determine if I'm going to sleep with him. I am determining if he's compatible enough with me & vice versa to have a relationship. Understandably, if a relationship ensues then we'll obviously get physical. I suppose the problem here is that your end goal is clearly sex, while my end goal is categorizing a relationship (friendship, boyfriend, nothing) based on how we get along.
Buttnutter100 Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 Actually, if you want brutal honesty: I don't just have sex with any random guy. I actually have ONE guy whom I've known for years, and I've flat out told him that us in a relationship would never go anywhere, but I really enjoy spending time with him and we have a lot of passion together. We both understand if either of us gets into another relationship that that obviously ends. He respects me enough to let me know that -- neither of us sleep around. If I'm dating a guy with the hopes of a relationship, sex isn't at the forefront for me. I don't go out to dinner or whatever with a guy to determine if I'm going to sleep with him. I am determining if he's compatible enough with me & vice versa to have a relationship. Understandably, if a relationship ensues then we'll obviously get physical. I suppose the problem here is that your end goal is clearly sex, while my end goal is categorizing a relationship (friendship, boyfriend, nothing) based on how we get along. Well let me apologize maybe I wasn't clear. I didn't mean to imply that any particular thing you wanted to do or not do on a date with a guy was good or bad or right or wrong. That's up to you obv. I was just referring to the issue of how people who are dating play so-called games, i.e., not being completely upfront about their real intentions. Example: you seem to indicate you have a FWB? I.e. someone you have sex with but not an actual relationship, and if you ever met someone else for a relationship, would end the FWB. So if I understand that correctly, then my question would be: When you meet a new guy with possible potential for a possible relationship, do you tell him right off the bat that you have a FWB? Probably not, because it would be a turn-off to any guy that you thought might be relationship material I would think. You might also not get into a sexual relationship with the relationship material guy right away, which I think you've more or less indicated. So in other words you have 1) FWB whom you have a sexual but not romantic relationship with; 2) other guys who you view as relationship material, possibly, from whom you are going to withhold immediate sex until you determine whether they measure up. So this implies that while you are withholding sex from the possible relationship guy, you are having sex with your FWB. And I can't believe you would tell the potential relationship guy about your FWB. I guess to you this is not "game playing."
txsilkysmoothe Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 LOL. They're already playing a game. It's called the "mating dance." If you really believed what you were posting, then you would not find it objectionable if guys randomly walked up to you in the grocery story and said: "You're attractive. Can we go back to my place and have sex?" Please don't tell me you wouldn't find that kind of conduct offensive. In a grocery store, I'm shopping for food not a sex partner so yes it would be offensive. But you know what? When you go out to a party, a bar, a supermarket, etc., that's pretty much what EVERY guy who's at all interested in a girl is thinking about the girl. Men and women alike, in a bar setting, are looking for someone they see as a potential sex partner. So if he was respectful & tactful in expressing his desire, I would actually find it refreshing. I wouldn't go home with him because I'm not looking for sex with a stranger but I wouldn't be offended. "No games"? LOL. Esp. coming from a female. Not all women and men play games. Some people just want to find the right person for them and are at the mercy of the process. It baffles me that people will do the opposite of what they feel/want in an attempt to get what you want.
txsilkysmoothe Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 Or alternatively, if a man whom you are "interested" in asks you for a "night out," do you tell him the following: "Yes I will agree to go out with you for the night because I share your initial sexual attraction to myself. If the evening goes well, there is a good likelihood that we will have sexual relations before the night is through. However, in order to achieve that end result, I must first determine whether you 'qualify' to have sex with me. I.e. I will ask you about your employment, your income, your hobbies, your habits, your past relationships. I will observe how you interact with me and others in social situations to determine whether you are a sufficiently alpha male to warrant my sexual attentions. If I decide that you are long term relationship material, however, I may deny you sex this evening that I would otherwise bestow upon you, because I don't want you to think I'm 'that kind of girl.'" REVISION "Yes I will agree to go out with you for the night because I share your initial sexual attraction and I wonder if we might share an intellectual and emotional connection as well. In an effort to determine this, I will ask you about your hobbies as I hope we share interests. I will also want to know if you love your job because work accounts for a large portion of our life and can affect our overall happiness. I would like to here about your family and I want to know if you have close relationships as I think it's indicative of your ability to get close to me. I will observe how you interact with me and others in social situations to determine whether you are a gentlemen or a jerk. If I decide that you are long term relationship material, however, I may deny you sex this evening because YOU will judge me for it afterward. You'll say "I'll call you" but I know I'll never hear from you again. That will make me sad and your rejection will lead me to not be so open to the next man that approaches me."
Johnny M Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 If I'm dating a guy with the hopes of a relationship, sex isn't at the forefront for me. I don't go out to dinner or whatever with a guy to determine if I'm going to sleep with him. I am determining if he's compatible enough with me & vice versa to have a relationship. Understandably, if a relationship ensues then we'll obviously get physical. Yes, but guys date women primarily for the sex (unless the guy is fat and the girl is a great cook or something like that). SO what buttnutter is telling you is that any man who does not suggest having sex immediately after meeting you is playing a game. The game is called 'courting'.
stace79 Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 Well let me apologize maybe I wasn't clear. I didn't mean to imply that any particular thing you wanted to do or not do on a date with a guy was good or bad or right or wrong. That's up to you obv. I was just referring to the issue of how people who are dating play so-called games, i.e., not being completely upfront about their real intentions. Example: you seem to indicate you have a FWB? I.e. someone you have sex with but not an actual relationship, and if you ever met someone else for a relationship, would end the FWB. So if I understand that correctly, then my question would be: When you meet a new guy with possible potential for a possible relationship, do you tell him right off the bat that you have a FWB? Probably not, because it would be a turn-off to any guy that you thought might be relationship material I would think. You might also not get into a sexual relationship with the relationship material guy right away, which I think you've more or less indicated. So in other words you have 1) FWB whom you have a sexual but not romantic relationship with; 2) other guys who you view as relationship material, possibly, from whom you are going to withhold immediate sex until you determine whether they measure up. So this implies that while you are withholding sex from the possible relationship guy, you are having sex with your FWB. And I can't believe you would tell the potential relationship guy about your FWB. I guess to you this is not "game playing." No, to me it isn't game playing. As long as you are honest with ME, and I am honest with YOU, in terms of what WE are doing together, then we're cool in my book. What isn't cool: pretending you like me to get in my pants; my FWB sleeping with me and then also sleeping with someone else (which breaks our agreement anyway) or a guy who had no interest in me whatsoever stringing me along b/c he was bored, lonely, etc. Basically, for me, if we are having sex then you need to be upfront if you're also having sex with someone else. If we're not having sex then all I need to know is your intentions with ME. What you do when we're not together, since we are not exclusive, is none of my business. I don't know if that makes sense to you, but it makes sense to me and that is really all that matters, now isn't it?
Buttnutter100 Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 Yes, but guys date women primarily for the sex (unless the guy is fat and the girl is a great cook or something like that). SO what buttnutter is telling you is that any man who does not suggest having sex immediately after meeting you is playing a game. The game is called 'courting'. I wish I had said that.
Buttnutter100 Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 (edited) No, to me it isn't game playing. As long as you are honest with ME, and I am honest with YOU, in terms of what WE are doing together, then we're cool in my book. What isn't cool: pretending you like me to get in my pants; my FWB sleeping with me and then also sleeping with someone else (which breaks our agreement anyway) or a guy who had no interest in me whatsoever stringing me along b/c he was bored, lonely, etc. Basically, for me, if we are having sex then you need to be upfront if you're also having sex with someone else. If we're not having sex then all I need to know is your intentions with ME. What you do when we're not together, since we are not exclusive, is none of my business. I don't know if that makes sense to you, but it makes sense to me and that is really all that matters, now isn't it? Why do so many women nowadays seem to feel that sex is OK anywhere except with the guy they claim to want to be emotionally committed to? It is almost laughably dysfunctional to be having regular sex with someone whom you don't claim to be emotionally intimate, yet with another person whom you claim to want to be emotionally intimate, you won't have sex with them. Yet that disconnect seems to be repeated over and over and over and over on these boards. Women who claim to love their husbands yet refuse to have sex with them, or cheat on them. And I suppose men who do the same thing. Actually you are entitled to live your life your own way but I don't think you will end up happy nor will you ever be able to have a fulfilling relationship with a man until you "graduate" in your thought processes about sex and about relationships. No it doesn't have to "make sense" to me because I am not interested in a relationship with you. But it DOES have to make sense to whichever guy you want to commit to you. You obviously haven't found that guy yet. But you fail to make a connection between your behaviors and that lack. In any event you are playing games by having sex with your FWB and not being upfront about that relationship with potential romantic partners. IMO. Edited January 29, 2010 by Buttnutter100
Buttnutter100 Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 Not all women and men play games. Some people just want to find the right person for them and are at the mercy of the process. It baffles me that people will do the opposite of what they feel/want in an attempt to get what you want. On the contrary, ALL women and men "play games." At least all reasonably socially competent women and men "play games." The issue is whether the game becomes an end in itself, i.e. an ego trip, or a means to an end. You play games; I play games; we all play games. If you doubt it just read these message boards. It's all about the games people play and in particular dysfunctional game playing. The game I am playing right now is straight up honesty because I have no reason to impress you. I am trying to educate you. The game you are playing is denial. I like my game better because I like to really understand what is going on, not pretend that it is not going on.
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