Brooke79 Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 I am so flustered because in the little talking that my husband does to me there is so much hatred and anger. Why? I have never done anything to hurt him, I haven't cheated or anything like that. We have just been at each other's throats, HE got busted with questionable phone behavior and emails and now I get treated with so much hate. Who the heck is he, I am so frustrated. There is nothing that I can do, he won't leave or anything, and I left this weekend but I can't keep blowing money and further I paid the mortgage why would I leave, i don't need all this stress. I am going crazy here. It just makes you feel crazy and angry for someone to just treat you like crap. Everytime I come to a good point like working on myself and living for my kids, I interact with him and he is so cold and hostile towards me and even though I should just hate him, I don't, I still love him so it hurts like hell.
RedDevil66 Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 Hi Brooke, sorry you're going through this. How long have you been together? Has he always been like this? Why is he so angry?
pastxmas Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 I am sorry about what you are going through. Even though I don't believe that I am in the position to give advice, I would like to offer a thought or two. My therapist gave me some encouraging words yesterday. He said that anger is not an altogether bad thing because it shows that there is still passion there. Indifference is far worse. Once a eprson is indifferent, there is no hope for the relationship to continue. If you need to get away from the house to help ease the pressure, there are plenty of cost-free or cheap alternatives to going on a trip for the weekend. The park is usually nice, even though it can be cold in some parts of the globe at this time. It is even something you can do with your kids. Bonding time and a break for free is a win-win-win. If you feel like you are done with him though, you should make an effort to start setting the wheels in motion to finalize that by any means necessary without being nasty about it (by claiming there is domestic violence when there is none or something like that) because your personal integrity and self respect are at stake. He has to have a desire for you in order to change his ways and that unfortunately comes from depriving a person of contact. It's not easy to do but it seems to be the best course of action. I hope this was easy to follow and not too confusing for you. Just my two cents.
Author Brooke79 Posted January 28, 2010 Author Posted January 28, 2010 I know its pregnancy and hormones that get the best of me and judgment because of his attitude I know I am better off saying f* him right, I feel that way but I still feel hurt also. My common sense is just all jacked right now. He shows he doesn't care so the smart woman in me says if that's how he feels oh well life goes on won't be stuck and pregnant forever. Other times I get stupid and whiny like I did today and feel hurt and I know its pregnancy because I'm not normally this sappy. I told him today though, he will not have my heart forever! And I so mean it, I look forward to moving forward I just can't right now.
FeelingLonely98 Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 More than likely it is because he is guilty about something or feels guilty and by getting angry at you it helps him to make you out as a "bad guy". Based on this and other posts by you Brooke ... all signs point to there being an OW. I hope I'm wrong. Good Luck...
Butterflair Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 HE got busted with questionable phone behavior and emails and now I get treated with so much hate. Because you found him out. The truth is out and not hidden. It makes him look bad. Chances are it's still going on and more hidden then before. It's amazing how the anger gets turned on the ones who don't deserve it. You don't have to take the hate. Tell him he needs to stop this attitude toward you. If it continues then take a deep breath and take steps to remove him from the house. See a lawyer and find out your options and take steps to make things less stressful. The stress you feel is also being felt by your children even if they don't say anything.
FeelingLonely98 Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 Because you found him out. The truth is out and not hidden. It makes him look bad. Chances are it's still going on and more hidden then before. It's amazing how the anger gets turned on the ones who don't deserve it. You don't have to take the hate. Tell him he needs to stop this attitude toward you. If it continues then take a deep breath and take steps to remove him from the house. See a lawyer and find out your options and take steps to make things less stressful. The stress you feel is also being felt by your children even if they don't say anything. AND you're unborn child too!
LisaUk Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 Brooke, I'm not defending your H here, I'm just wondering though if maybe he is innocent and is mad b/c you accused him of something he has not done? I know you found the phone messages wiped and you also found the messages on the computer, but what did they say? Were they conclusive as pointing to an affair? I would strongly advise that you talk calmly with your H and arrange a time when the two of you can get a sitter for the kids and go out for a meal to have a clam discussion about how each of you are feeling. Then, without anger, blame, accusations etc tell him how you feel, that you love him dearly but that you aren't very happy in the marriage right now and that you don't feel heard or respected by his behaviour etc. Ask how he feels. Then discuss between you have you can resolve this, so that both of you get what you need to be happy again. Maybe suggest MC? This is your family Brooke and you say you love him, the only way to resolve the problems is to communicate, calmly about them.
Author Brooke79 Posted January 29, 2010 Author Posted January 29, 2010 I am doing much better today, I guess we will all have our days, where the hurt just feels so bad. Today I am feeling more acceptance of what is going on and realizing that I can't do anything about the way he feels. I am in no position to leave but if I limit contact with him that will eliminate the possibility of my feelings getting hurt by him. I feel a fool for wasting my time trying to talk to him yesterday. Hopefully going forward I can use that example to strengthen me to just leave it alone. Because I felt like crap trying to talk to him and him being so angry and hateful towards me. But thanks you guys, having support helps me so much.
tnttim Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 Give him his space, let him solve his own problems, and go out and fun with your girlfriends. There is no such thing as a good talk when anger is already invovled. You can't talk him out of his feelings, he has to do that on his own, he's an adult right?
Author Brooke79 Posted January 29, 2010 Author Posted January 29, 2010 Right TNT, I can't control how he feels, nothing I can do will change his feelings. I just have to use better sense when interacting with him, limiting contact to avoid getting hurt. I am defeated, I will not try to talk to him anymore, like you said in your thread just work on my self, I know I may have more bad days but at least I am accepting how he feels and I am moving on. This site is double worded though because I enjoy the support but when I read so many husbands who care and work hard it makes me think why isn't my husband this way. Oh well that is hopeful to also know that there are men out there who still care and love is not hopeless.
Gunny376 Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 What you need to be concentrating on is you and your children, forget this @zzhat! Your pregno and he's going on and on about himself?! WTF! At least man up and put you and the children before himself and his wants and needs! I've got myself a super cargo ship full of wants and needs, but if a woman is carrying my child? Guess what and who comes first and foremost? Vinnie and tha' Boys need to pay this clown a visit! He needs an attitude adjustment!
Author Brooke79 Posted January 29, 2010 Author Posted January 29, 2010 Today, I feel totally rejuvenated, not worried at all. What will be will be. I haven't spoken to my husband since my tear-fest a couple of days ago and I feel good about it. We pass each other briefly to hand off the kids and we have not spoken a word to one another, I just have to keep it up because talking to him just leads to hurt. I hope everyone else is having better days also, I read everyone's posts and I know that many of us are having some rough days but they will get better.
threebyfate Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 Brooke, if he's in an affair, his hostile and angry behaviour will continue. It's a way to defer any blame from himself. I don't know your history and wondered if you plan to leave him.
Author Brooke79 Posted January 30, 2010 Author Posted January 30, 2010 I do plan on leaving, right now I am 8 months pregnant so I couldn't now. We also have a house in my name which I can afford alone but barely. I work at night so he watches the kids while I work. My plan is once I deliver to look for a new job with day time hours, get all the necessary work done to put the house up for sale and when that's done I will be in a place where we can separate with minimal interaction. I don't have concrete evidence that he is cheating, just that he was sending emails back and forth to some chic I don't know. One day last after complaining on the phone to me about phone problems I asked him to let me see. When he unlocked his phone it put me into an empty call log, I asked him what is this and he nervously answered that's my deleted calls so I back out of the menu and he had deleted all of his calls. Now while this is not hard core proof I find it odd that right before he walks into the house he deletes all of his calls. I go to his msg inbox same thing with the exception of a text I sent earlier that day, one from his brother from that day and another from back in december from an unknown number to me asking is this james (my husbands name). I ask him who it is and he claims he doesn't know. I said well they know your name so aren't you curious to find out. No he exclaims, I tell him to call the number back, he refuses. I asked him to pull his account up because it is odd that he would delete his call log (he did in hid single days I remember but he had stopped). He is hiding something and I am done with recon, whatever it is I hope it makes him happy. Last week though I went off and told him I was too upset to be around him, so I took the kids away for the weekend and didn't answer his calls or texts. He is now acting like I wronged him and saying he will get me back and he's leaving and not answering his phone. Fine, that was just a greenlight for him to do something like that. I won't stress out about it though, as far as I am concerned the writing is already on the wall, so after all the crying I did over the (prospective cheating, the harsh treatment and words and all of our other problems) he can't hurt me anymore. It is over whatever he does is his business and his life. The way things are now we won't even be able to co-parent because I tried to call him a couple of times to tell him about meeting I had with the kids teacher and he won't even answer my calls( you didn't answer my calls this weekend he whines). Fine enemies we will be, I don't plan on ever dialing his number again even if I go into labor, he is just trying to get back at me for taking space after busting him. I called him about kids and home related things on Mon, Tue and Wed while he was at work he would not answer, I sent him text messages and everything nothing and Wed I had the breakdown. But I guess I needed him to do all that to put me where I am today and that is on my way to moving on mentally so that when the time comes for the physical separation I won't miss him. Sorry for the long post.
Author Brooke79 Posted January 30, 2010 Author Posted January 30, 2010 And just worth mentioning because I know that my evidence is shaky and anyone else would get the benefit of the doubt but he cheated when we were dating and that was when he used delete everything, so up went the red flag on that. And prior to that as I said in my other post he was distant, cold, unaffectionate. And he fessed up to some superficial things like a couple of flirty women on the job sending him texts, but you know once you get a little bit revealed of course you can put things together, like several times he has gone out with the coworkers, one night in particular he acted really strange. I got such a strange vibe from him and now I know why, it was probably a defining moment and his off beatness that day was probably guilt and anxiety, I told him about that day after he told me about the flirty coworkers and he said he knew I wouldn't like him going out with the girls, because when your spouse says going out with coworkers your mind doesn't shift to think OW. Another instance was a night I was on vacation and ihe said he was going out with them, cool I will go, I don't think other people are bringing their spouses, not a big deal at that point but now in hindsight who cares, I don't hang out with my coworkers but if I did I would never tell him no, they were going to TGI Fridays to eat and get drinks, hey I can eat too. But that's all for now, as I said even reflecting on it I see I am doing better than last weekend. I know I am not totally healed but I am on my way.
Angel1111 Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 This is so sad that you're going through this when it should be such a happy time for you. I have to say your husband is quite the loser to be acting in such a way. He sounds very childish and self-centered. You know, if the two of you divorce, he will have to pay child support. Could you afford the house then? The courts really frown on people who uproot children from their homes. If you can stay where you are, I'd highly recommend it. Again, I'm so sorry that you're having to think about this stuff while you're pregnant. It's heartbreaking.
Author Brooke79 Posted January 30, 2010 Author Posted January 30, 2010 So the H just left, the kids were asking where are you going daddy, I'm going was his response. Just trying to annoy me but its not working, acceptance is a wonderful thing. As long as I was in limbo - felt so hurt and confused, now there is no question as to where we stand and I am more at peace. I guess tonight he plans on getting me back, like he said he would but I am totally unphased and am actually good with a weekend with me and the kids...no drama!!!! I hope everyone else is doing better, celebrate every passing day as a little triumph. I am so glad to have found this site and support, take care!!!!
Author Brooke79 Posted January 31, 2010 Author Posted January 31, 2010 Ok guys I got text from my H detailing a long itinerary for tonight. Meeting with friends with all their names and then more info about going out to a club (including the name of it) with his brother. He says he was going out of town and has sent texts about the snow and weather there, I personally think he is overdetailing as a cover. If he so liberal with giving out info on what he is doing why not be forthcoming with the phone. When it came to that it was I shouldn't have to talk about my phone, you should trust me and now all of this info when ii don't ask for it. Still un-phased but thought I'd share that tidbit, the over detailing thing, so classic, right?
Angel1111 Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 Yeah, I don't get what all the detail is about. The two of you have such hostility and now he's doing this. The bottom line, he's out on a Saturday night without you. What more is there to say? It's such nonsense.
Tayla Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 From the briefness of not really knowing all the fact. You want an out and you have found it. Realize you are NOT the only one who will be affected by this decision. So be it. Its your life and you are welcome to make mistakes in it. I pray that you have a healthy child and gain much wisdom in years to come from this experience. No one wins when the family is broken.
Author Brooke79 Posted January 31, 2010 Author Posted January 31, 2010 Angel, I never have a problem with my husband going out with his friends or brother on a Saturday night. I go out with my friends or sisters sometimes too. But as you said we haven't even spoken since Wednesday so why all the detail when unprompted. Tayla. I am not looking for an out in the marriage, I never ever thought I would be in this predicament, I love my husband but I have come to realize that his feelings don't quite match mine. My husband is cold, unaffectionate, he never makes an effort to do anything with me at all. He makes plans all the time to do things with others, I didn't even mention this but for Christmas he bought everyone else a present(kids of course, his mom, grandmom, aunts, nieces and nephews) and me NOTHING! This is the treatment that I get I can't say anything outside of hi without him chopping my head off! He doesn't care about me any more and resents me for reasons I can only speculate, I may nag about spending time and doing things around the house but I haven't cheated on him or lied to him, so I am left to just wonder why he treats me like he hates me. I have thrown my pride out of the door and cried to him over and over, and I have simply had enough. Sometimes you have to know when to say when, not looking for an out though honey, I have a home, 2 kids going on 3 with this man, we have been together for 6-7 years, not something I am just throwing away, I shed tears over this but as I said you have to know when to fold, for my kids sake, what kind of example would I be for my girls because although I plead with him not to, he does the snapping at me stuff in front of them.
Gunny376 Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 Angel, I never have a problem with my husband going out with his friends or brother on a Saturday night. I go out with my friends or sisters sometimes too. But as you said we haven't even spoken since Wednesday so why all the detail when unprompted. Tayla. I am not looking for an out in the marriage, I never ever thought I would be in this predicament, I love my husband but I have come to realize that his feelings don't quite match mine. My husband is cold, affectionate, he never makes an effort to do anything with me at all. He makes plans all the time to do things with others, I didn't even mention this but for Christmas he bought everyone else a present(kids of course, his mom, grand mom, aunts, nieces and nephews) and me NOTHING! This is the treatment that I get I can't say anything outside of hi without him chopping my head off! He doesn't care about me any more and resents me for reasons I can only speculate, I may nag about spending time and doing things around the house but I haven't cheated on him or lied to him, so I am left to just wonder why he treats me like he hates me. I have thrown my pride out of the door and cried to him over and over, and I have simply had enough. Sometimes you have to know when to say when, not looking for an out though honey, I have a home, 2 kids going on 3 with this man, we have been together for 6-7 years, not something I am just throwing away, I shed tears over this but as I said you have to know when to fold, for my kids sake, what kind of example would I be for my girls because although I plead with him not to, he does the snapping at me stuff in front of them. I'm just an old retired Marine Gunny Sergeant from the South. Smarter and all the more important more experienced than most. Worse than some, better than most? But please explain to me as though I was a four year old? So I can understand and process it through it my 'brain housing group' What in the Hell do you see in this guy? What in the Hell has this guy got to offer you that you can't find just as good as ~ if not better? Just as much as ~ if not more in someone else? Where in the Hell did you ever get it into you head that this "clown" was the best and only one you could ever do or have? Where in the Hell did you ever get it into you head that this loser was the best that you deserved? What one will abuse? Another can certainly use! What one will deny! Another can stand up and identify! Not as a chunk of coal ~ but a diamond in the making! People come ~ and people go! But there's no one monkey that makes a 'show'! I just want to know ~ I really want to know! What's this clown bringing to the picnic? What's he bringing to the table? Other than himself? R E S P E C T! You need to teach this clown what it means to you! And you need to begin with respecting yourself! Because if you don't respect yourself? There's no one that going to respect you!
Angel1111 Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 I didn't even mention this but for Christmas he bought everyone else a present(kids of course, his mom, grandmom, aunts, nieces and nephews) and me NOTHING! This would've been the showstopper right here. I would've told him to either give me a really good explanation for this (of course, there isn't one), or find a new place to live. This is simply insulting behavior in every sense of the word. Tell him to get lost. And when you have your baby, let some family member tell him about it after it's over with.
FeelingLonely98 Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 Listen to Gunny - Your H sounds like a piece of cr*p Brooke. You can do better. He will never change. to treat the Mother of your children like that???? like he does to you... I hope you can hang on to where you are and keep moving in the SAME direction ... no backpeddling!! Best of Luck to you and your two kids and the soon to be 3rd!!!
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