Is it just that I don't want to lose my best friend??

[akeshabelle]

Hi everybody

 

I have been with my partner for 6 years and over the past year or so things have really changed for me. I no longer desire him physically (cuddling etc I still enjoy but not into the sex) and I don't even feel like I am in a relationship anymore. I feel like we are flatmates who occasionally hug and kiss and say "I love you".

 

He is a great person but I am beginning to wonder if our relationship has simply just run its course. I am not hurting nor am I longing to bring back the 'spark', I am just... meh. We haven't been intimate in over 4 months (and we live together) and it doesn't bother me one bit, but I still love being with him. We had the sex discussion/argument recently (him questioning why we don't) and I told him I am just not feeling very sexual even though I know my libido is fine. I am not repulsed by him, but I am not attracted either.

 

What does this mean???? Despite knowing all this, I can't seem to end it even though I know that is the right thing to do. What am I holding on to???

[DiscoChick]

The thrill is gone, but if you really love him try something new and exciting together. Go camping or take a trip over the weekend. Get away from the routine.

[Eeyore79]

There is no real incentive for you to end the relationship at the moment... everything is nice and cushy, he cuddles you and fulfils your emotional needs but doesn't pressure you for sex, he keeps you company and (I assume) pays half the bills, and it isn't like there's anyone else you want to have sex with...

 

... until someone comes along who you do have sexual feelings for, and then you're in a pickle. Many people cheat with their new sexual interest rather than risk the stability they have with their existing partner. This is not a situation in which you want to end up.

 

Ultimately what you need to consider is whether you see your partner is a friend or a lover, or if you can fix things to make yourself see him as a lover... because if you only see him as a flatmate then he isn't really fulfilling your needs (or you his) and the relationship is ripe for an affair. Either work on fixing it or end it amicably before cheating etc occurs. I know it's scary to think about being alone and trying to find another boyfriend as nice as him and also attractive, and you worry that you won't find such a nice guy again, but you will - believe me.

 

In my case, my boyfriend was a really nice guy and a good friend, he paid the rent and drove me around in his car, his family were nice and we had things in common, he was committed and prepared to settle down... but there was no sexual attraction whatsoever. He believed that I was stressed etc and hoped that my libido would return, while I secretly knew that I had sexual desire just not for him. I used to wish that I could fancy him, because apart from that he was the perfect boyfriend. I went through the experience of being attracted to another man, resisting, and wondering why I couldn't feel that way for my boyfriend. I loved him as a friend and didn't want to hurt him by dumping him, but at the same time I just didn't fancy him. I had no desire to "fix" our relationship, because I just felt no attraction for him at all. Eventually fate intervened after two years without sex - his job moved to another city and I stayed behind. We're still friends, and dating other guys has just confirmed that I didn't really fancy him at all, because I do have those feelings for other guys. I'm sad to put distance between us as friends, but I wish him every happiness and hope that he can find someone who'll have feelings for him that I did not.

 

You need to talk about the situation with him and be honest about how you feel; if you think things can change then tell him, and if you think they won't change then confess that. Once you've decided whether your relationship has a future or not, you can decide what to do about it. If you're going to try to fix things then you need him on-board. I assume he won't be happy if you decide that you don't want sex ever again and don't want to fix things, but at least you'll both know where you stand and can decide how to move forward.

 

Do you think you might want to fix things with him, or not? How do you feel about him in a sexual sense, and do you think that could be improved?

[akeshabelle]

In my case, my boyfriend was a really nice guy and a good friend, he paid the rent and drove me around in his car, his family were nice and we had things in common, he was committed and prepared to settle down... but there was no sexual attraction whatsoever. He believed that I was stressed etc and hoped that my libido would return, while I secretly knew that I had sexual desire just not for him. I used to wish that I could fancy him, because apart from that he was the perfect boyfriend. I went through the experience of being attracted to another man, resisting, and wondering why I couldn't feel that way for my boyfriend. I loved him as a friend and didn't want to hurt him by dumping him, but at the same time I just didn't fancy him. I had no desire to "fix" our relationship, because I just felt no attraction for him at all.

 

This is exactly my situation at the moment. Apart from that one thing, like your ex, he is the perfect boyfriend.

 

Even though the sex stopped a while back, I can't remember the last time, if any, I actually enjoyed it with him, and it wasn't just an 'ok let's get it over with' moment. It's not that he's bad at it, he just doesn't do it for me physically... I too wish I could feel that way about him. There have been times when I have said 'He is a good man who loves me, even though we're never intimate. What guy would do that?? Tonight I am going to give him a special treat!' but I never do it - because I don't want to.

 

I don't want this to reach a point where he is just so fed up that he ends up hating me.

 

I am finding myself attracted to another man too... we have never spoken but we pass each other in the street every morning. I would never act on it, but every time I see him I get crazy butterflies and my heart pounds through my chest. God I miss that passionate feeling.

 

Do you think you might want to fix things with him, or not?

 

I don't know... it's very hard to try and reignite a sexual attraction when I am not even sure if it was there in the first place.

[Eeyore79]

I don't know... it's very hard to try and reignite a sexual attraction when I am not even sure if it was there in the first place.

 

I was never really "hot" for my ex, he was just a genuinely nice guy who won me over with his charm and compatibility. In the beginning the novelty of the relationship persuaded me to have sex with him, and after that I felt like I "ought" to even though I didn't enjoy it because I didn't find him attractive. After a while I just got really selfish and thought "I don't want to, so I won't", and I started making excuses.

 

I will admit that I often thought of his unattractiveness as a hurdle to be overcome so I could enjoy being with a really nice person and a good friend... and it shouldn't be like that; looks should be something you like about your partner, not something you just try to live with. I felt like he was being really good about the lack of sex, which made me feel worse, because he was obviously a really decent guy who genuinely liked me as a person.

 

The relationship was comfortable, so it was difficult for me to end it because there was nothing else spoiling, no-one else I particularly fancied. It was only when he had to relocate for work that there was something at stake, and I decided that I couldn't put a sham relationship before his career.

 

You really need to think hard about whether you can ignite some sexual attraction with your partner, or whether you just have no desire to go there with him. Perhaps talk to him about it, give it a little try, and if it isn't working for you then admit it and consider how to move forward (even if that means considering splitting up).

[akeshabelle]

I am blown away by how similar our situations are. It was his charm that won me over as well.

 

He was/is sweet, thoughtful, kind, caring and sooooooo funny. He was there for me when no one else was. He's always the life of the party, always the first to offer to help someone or go out of his way for others. His kind heart and acceptance of everything and everyone just as they are made me fall in love. My family love him. My friends love him. He is the kind of person who has no enemies. I have never met anyone like him.

 

Do I let this man go and end up never finding another even close to him or do I live a sexless life with him??? God I am so confused. I just knew something had to stop the last time we were intimate. I didn't want it that much that I was nearly in tears and I felt sick in the stomach.

 

He has just given up trying with me and I am so glad... I am ashamed to admit that but it's how I feel. Any time he would start rubbing my back in bed I would cringe. But a relationship without sex isn't just something that can be ignored, right?? I don't have any desire to fix things because I know nothing is going to change as far as my attraction to him goes.

 

How long were you together? I can't believe I have let this go on for so long.

[sagetalk]

 

<b>I am finding myself attracted to another man too... </b>

 

B-I-N-G-O, B-I-N-G-O, B-I-N-G-O, and BINGO was his name-o.

 

I personally think most of the information in your post answers nothing, but this little sentence quoted above says all anyone needs to know.

 

You were not committed to this guy and that's the bottom line. You got into a relationship without commitment. Sure you will try to justify it, but it really just boils down to commitment. You opened your sexual desires to other men, this is a fatal mistake if you want to have a long term relationship. "The grass is greener on the other side" is as common as dirt in none committed relationships.

 

Why don't you want to have sex with him? Because you have sexual feelings for other men who are not in the friends zone like you put this guy. I would advise in the future, that when you are in a relationship, cut every other man off sexually (mentally and physically) except the guy you are with. Treat your guy like he's the only guy on earth (mentally and physically) that can have sex with you. If you don't do this, you'll just keep failing over and over again.

 

You have put him in the friends zone, are now looking for a new man to have sex with, and that is why you don't want to have sex with him. I genuinely feel sad for this guy. He got screwed over big time on this one. When your own girl that you live with friend zones you, what a flipping nightmare.

 

Do both of you a favor and dump him before you cheat on him and qualify for the worst girlfriend ever hall of fame.

[akeshabelle]

I have been attracted to one other man in 6 years. Not other men. I am sure although he loves me he has been attracted to other women.

 

I am committed to him, despite what you might think. I have never cheated or even come close. I would rather go without than do that to him - or to anybody. But I know it's like I am emotionally doing it to him having the thoughts I do and holding back as I am.

 

If I wasn't attracted to someone else, would you still think I belonged in the worst girlfriend category??

[Eeyore79]

How long were you together? I can't believe I have let this go on for so long.

I dated my ex for almost three years; a few months in which I had sex with him because it was a novelty and I liked his personality, then several more months where I realised I didn't fancy him and I pushed myself to have sex because he was a nice guy and I felt obliged to have sex if I wanted to keep the relationship, then two years where we didn't have sex at all apart from the occasional pressured encounter where I felt like I owed him, and I cried because I didn't want to and because it hurt due to me not being turned on in the slightest. He never complained, bless him... ironically that lack of raw desire for me was one of the things that turned me off him. He was too nice...

 

Do I let this man go and end up never finding another even close to him or do I live a sexless life with him???

Or you could end the relationship amicably in the realisation that it wasn't working anyway and you both deserve more (particularly because no sex = no children), and then go out and find a nice guy who you do want to have sex with. The main problem I had was that I felt like it was all my fault, because he fancied me, and I was the one ruining things because I didn't fancy him... ruining things for myself, for him, for our families who adored each other... But you can't spend your whole life in a sexless relationship just because you don't want to let other people down. I'm an emotional and romantic type of person who tends to put love and compatibility before sex, and I learned the hard way that sexual attraction is vital, and without it nothing else matters. Now I try to keep people who I like but don't fancy as friends, and I only date those who I feel genuine sexual attraction for... which is what I should have done with my ex if I'd had any sense.

[sagetalk]

I am committed to him, despite what you might think. I have never cheated or even come close. I would rather go without than do that to him - or to anybody. But I know it's like I am emotionally doing it to him having the thoughts I do and holding back as I am.

 

If I wasn't attracted to someone else, would you still think I belonged in the worst girlfriend category??

 

I know I came off harshly, but I was trying to make a serious point.

 

If you are committed to him, then you have to give him everything or give him nothing. When you hold back sex from him (especially if he's crazy about you), you are hurting him very badly. Sex is a way a women tells you that "You are it!!!". From a man's point of view, it is a way that she shows you how incredible you are to her. That there are all these guys in the world that you hug, touch, smile at, talk to, but you save sex just for him.

 

Basically, your relationship will not last unless you give him that part of you. If you don't, you might as well end it now. Do you have options, or don't you? If in your mind you say, "Yes, I have other options" and feel joy from thinking about other options, then let him go. You are cheating him and using him to feed your ego or other selfish desires.

 

Even if you don't sexually desire other men (which I think you do), you're still treating him very badly and are like a terrible girlfriend. It's time to decide what you want out of life. See him as the man you want for the rest of your life, or let him go. Don't use him as an "emotional crutch/best friend" that you have no sexual desire for. It is one of the cruelest things you can do to a man because it robs him of the joy of sexual pleasure with the women he loves.

[akeshabelle]

That's precisely how I feel, Eeyore. On the odd occasion that we are intimate I ask him to give me oral sex, because I know I am not going to become wet any other way. When he is down there I hate it, but it has to be done so it doesn't hurt me.

 

I can't live like this just because I am comfortable/secure. It is not fair on either of us. As much as I can't imagine him not being a part of my life, I know what I have to do... I just don't know how to do it.

 

After denying and denying, how in the world do I break this to him?? He hates liars and he is going to hate me - and I just won't be able to bear that, I know myself. I would be physically ill.

 

Please, men, tell me how to do this without coming off as a total horrible bitch.

 

"I don't think this is working"?

 

"I love you but my feelings for you are no longer romantic"?

 

"I have a confession to make - I am no longer attracted to you"?

 

I can't imagine saying that last one. I just couldn't. It would hurt him too much.

[Eeyore79]

I have to agree with Sagetalk... us girls don't tend to see sex in the same way that men do. To a man, sex is how you show that you love him, and he feels rejected if you don't want sex with him. As a female I never feel this way; affection and romance are what make me feel loved, and sex is just something pleasurable to do, but I don't need it... as you apparently don't need it, since you seem mostly fine with your sexless relationship apart from the feelings of guilt. Your boyfriend, however, probably feels terribly hurt and unloved because to him, refusing to give sex is like refusing to give love.

 

Your relationship will not last (and you won't have kids) unless you want sex with him. Imagine the wedding night... could you stand it? Would you even consider marrying him given how you feel? It's difficult to realise when you're in that situation, but sex produces feelings of intimacy and love which are completely lacking in a sexless relationship. You have a friendship with someone who supports and loves you, but it isn't a relationship, and you're clinging onto it because you're afraid it might be the best thing on offer.

 

Try this as an experiment: sign up for a dating site like okcupid and just look at the eligible men in your area who you could contact if you were single. You're not cheating, not being unfaithful, you're just looking in an attempt to figure out how you truly feel. Do you see any men who seem nice, who you'd be more interested in than your boyfriend? How does looking at the options make you feel - scared, or hopeful, or happy? How you feel when considering your options tells you everything you need to know about whether you want to stay in your current relationship or not... don't stay just because you fear you won't find anything better. I tried this experiment myself, and I actually felt a sense of optimism when I looked at my options, and I felt attraction to some of those guys that I didn't feel for my partner... this experiment was one of the things that led me to make the correct decision to end my relationship.

[Eeyore79]

Please, men, tell me how to do this without coming off as a total horrible bitch.

 

I never really faced up to it; he knew what the issues were without me having to tell him. He basically told me about his job relocating, and I said "I think you should go, because our relationship isn't really working... we don't even have sex". He agreed, and we actually continued to live together for a couple more months while he sorted everything out and packed etc. I didn't even cry when he said goodbye, although I cared for him as a friend; I just felt an immense sense of relief.

 

I'd be willing to bet that your boyfriend already knows what's going on, and what you really need to do is admit that your relationship isn't working and you don't think you can fix it, so you think it's best if you call it a day. Going into the hurtful details probably isn't necessary unless he really wants to discuss it. If it makes it easier, you could continue to live together as friends for a while like my ex and I did.

[boogieboy]

 

Please, men, tell me how to do this without coming off as a total horrible bitch.

 

Too late.

 

You can breathe a sigh of relief. Youve been denying him sex for this long, youre already coming off as a horrible bitch to him. Especially because he doesnt know why you arent attracted to him anymore.

 

Tell him its YOUR fault for getting into a long term thing with him when he never really "did it" for you physically. That way theres was nothing he could have done to improve the situation. he WILL hate you badly, but he probably already resents you now, so youre not far off.

 

Then you tell him the truth, you want out and theres no way to fix it.

 

Then you break it off, and cut him off from communication completely. If you keep in contact with him, it will further torture him.

 

You will have to deal with all the guilt, for carrying on this long, and for him hating you. So if youre gonna be sick, break out your month supply of maalox, anc chug-a-lug-lug. You will have to deal with it, theres no painless way out of it.

 

Actually you will only hurt for like a day or two, because if you talk to the guy that walks by you every morning, im sure you'll forget about your bf real quick.

[akeshabelle]

if you talk to the guy that walks by you every morning, im sure you'll forget about your bf real quick.

 

It's not like that at all...

 

It's not like if I break it off with my boyfriend I am going to hunt this guy down to try and sleep with him. In fact if we split up I wouldn't want to be with anyone for a while. I can definitely live without sex like Eeyor observed, but I just find it hard living in a relationship without sex - YES - I know I am the cause of that lack of sex. Why does he want to stay with me? Does he truly just love the person I am? I don't get it really.

 

My boyfriend is a good person who doesn't deserve any of this and I am just trying to find a way to say what I need to say without being offensive, nasty or cruel.

 

You do know consummate is spelt with a double m? I'm not trying to be a cow, just pointing out...

 

Eeyor tell me more about your experience, please. Did he question you about the lack of sex? What did you say?

Edited January 28, 2010 by akeshabelle

[Eeyore79]

Living as a single person without sex in the hope that you'll eventually meet someone you love and are attracted to is entirely different from living in a permanent committed relationship in which there is no hope of ever fancying the other person. The former is celibacy for now, while the latter is celibacy forever plus guilt and occasional uncomfortable sex. I don't have a problem with living without sex in the hope that I'll meet someone, but I do have a problem with enforcing a permanent lack of sex and affection upon someone else, particularly upon someone who I really care about as a friend. Breaking up with someone you aren't attracted to doesn't mean you'll immediately go out and shag everyone else; it means you have enough respect for them and for yourself that you're willing to break off your friendship and set both of you free to find a more fulfilling relationship.

[akeshabelle]

As far as him not knowing why I am no longer attracted/why we aren't having sex, I have made out that this is a problem of mine. I know how wrong that is, believe me. But looking into his eyes I just couldn't hurt him and say 'I am not attracted to you anymore'. He is so self conscious about his weight that he won't even let me be in the same room when he gets undressed before going into the shower.

 

I panicked and just wanted the fight to be over. Again, I am well aware of how screwed up that is.

[Eeyore79]

I don't think you need to lay it out in such harsh terms, it will only hurt him more. Just say there are quite clearly some problems in your relationship with regard to not having sex, and you don't think they can be fixed; you would rather just end the relationship amicably and remain friends. If he pushes you, you can simply say you're more like friends than bf/gf, or you can attribute the problem to a lack of chemistry from the beginning which you both ignored because you got on so well, but as time has passed the issues have become difficult to ignore. He will probably admit this is true, and it sounds better than just saying "I don't fancy you".

[akeshabelle]

... does saying 'my feelings for you are no longer the same/romantic' sound harsh??

 

My bf is the kind of person who flips his lid if I put 2 sugars in his coffee but forget and tell him I put 1, he starts yelling why did you lie to me!!!!!!!! That never actually happened but I am just giving an example that even in the smallest situations, even if he thinks the tiniest fib is being told to him, he becomes furious. I don't think for a moment that he would lash out at me physically but basically I have to be very careful with how I word things around him. I need everything to come out right.

[Eeyore79]

"My feelings for you are no longer romantic" sounds truthful but not too hurtful. Your bf sounds like he has a problem with anger management though

[akeshabelle]

Yeah, I think he does... I am not using it as an excuse but I tend to hold my feelings in quite a lot because he gets so mad. He has quite a temper, and it seems like he seems to get very angry at things that I don't even think are an issue.

 

Thanks so much for your kindness today Eeyore.

[Eeyore79]

No problem

 

I went through the same thing a few years ago and it was really difficult. I'm happy if sharing my experiences helps you a bit

[Dolos]

My advice would be to not drop the "lets be friends line". If this guy has any self respect whatsoever saying anything along those lines will cause him to never speak to you again. Actually, hes probably going to despise you no matter how it plays out. Even knowing that he may never speak to you again you have to break things off with him. Your current situation is not fair to you or him, neither of you are happy, and its not going to get any better. Its not going to be pleasant telling him or dealing with the aftermath, but you have to do it.

[boogieboy]

Youre going to hurt him bad, and it will be insanely cruel no matter what. Might as well tell him the real truth, it wont hurt him any worse, trust me. Not telling him the full truth will make him keep trying to keep it going with you, and you wont help him to learn how to avoid this situation again. You want to help him after you leave him dont you?

 

You have to tell him you were never physically attracted to him from the start, it wasw your mistake to get involved with him, but his personality attracted you. Tell him it has nothing to do with his present weight and that your non-attraction for him isnt his fault. That way he will know to make sure his next gf is actually physically.

 

Saying "im my feelings for you are no longer romantic"...thats not a reason. He already knows that, youre not sleeping with him. it doesnt tell him WHY, which he will want to know.

 

Dont lie to him to spare your own guilt, (which youre doing now) that makes you a horrible bitch. Tell him the truth and help the guy out- deal with the guilt. You dragged it on this long, you deserve to feel the guilt for a while.

 

BTW My sig is spelled wrong out of irony.

Edited January 29, 2010 by boogieboy

[Itzo]

... does saying 'my feelings for you are no longer the same/romantic' sound harsh??

 

My bf is the kind of person who flips his lid if I put 2 sugars in his coffee but forget and tell him I put 1, he starts yelling why did you lie to me!!!!!!!! That never actually happened but I am just giving an example that even in the smallest situations, even if he thinks the tiniest fib is being told to him, he becomes furious. I don't think for a moment that he would lash out at me physically but basically I have to be very careful with how I word things around him. I need everything to come out right.

 

No-No!

If you do not feel attraction for him anymore ... do not bother .... it is easier, if you just move out, without saying a word.

 

You are not going to hurt him as much as you are staying with him NOW.

He feels trapped with you, so and you. So if someone makes the first step to say ... I am leaving you, it will be all over. Weird at the beginning, but time cures all the wounds ... just do not take it too personally and move on.