Big problem with my mother and her ended affair.

[PHILmPGA11]

I believe he mental state of my mother is deteriorating after a long time affair has ended, and i don't know how to help her. I'll try to list all of the relevent details:

 

-She is 60 years old, was married to my father for ~30 years until his death in 2006.

-She was having an affair with a married man for the last 15 years or so, he was a friend of my father. (co-workers) This has recently ended, and he has admitted to "talking" to another woman (other than his wife). My mother and this man, as far as i know have had very limited communications over the last few months. His wife found out that they were talking, not sure how much else she knows, but this was his reason for ending the affair.

-She currently lives alone in my childhood home, about 15 minutes away from my sister, her husband, and her 2 grandchildren, who she visits often and spends a great deal of time there.

-She doesn't have any close friends that i know of. She's a very friendly person (on the outside) but very anti-social and depressed internally, and now living completely alone with her cat passing away last year.

-She has been diagnosed with depression, and is taking medications, but refuses to seek regular help from a counselor.

-My sister is 3.5 years older than me (i'm currently 30 years old), and was much more aware of what was going on when we were younger. My sister recalls once many years ago my mom threatened to kill herself.

-I should mention the obvious that the relationship between my mother and father was not healthy. They married due to her pregnancy with my sister, and there was some mental/physical abuse on both sides. I don't remember any serious physical injuries, but my father was an alcoholic and had some enraged moments. I was very young at this point, and didn't get involved. As i grew older things calmed down a little in that respect, but they never were good together, i can't recall a time when i heard them say that they love each other.

-My family has a history of weight problems and she has a very low self image, which probably makes this all worse, thinking this will cause her to be alone the rest of her life.

-She has recently lost a bit of weight, but my sister thinks it's more to spite "him" than for her.

-Regarding the affair, he was very clear from the beginning that he would not leave his wife, but she, of course, still has hopes that he will.

-She is receiving $ from the government, but works on a very low income through this. She hasn't worked in over a decade due to injuries suffered from a car accident made it hard for her to walk. She has started to receive citations regarding her not paying her bills.

-Her house is in shambles, not being cleaned, dirty dishes filling the sink/kitchen.

-She has frequent crying fits, and has been quite distracted while driving. My sister doesn't want that influence around her kids, but fears that if she didn't spend time with them, she would just basically lay at home rotting away.

-She found out who the guy is currently seeing, and has been asking acquaintences that work with him for information, and i believe my sis said she has "staked-out" his work to see if she shows, though i'm not sure if she'd do anything. Maybe she just wants to see her competition or something? not sure, but still scary.

 

First, i hope you made sense of that, as i'm sure the order doesn't make total sense.

 

My sister has tried talking to her for years, in many different ways, with no results. She's tried being understanding, nice about it, and some tough love...nothing.

 

I personally think the best thing for her would be to join some sort of senior group, or develop a hobby (take adult learning classes), but just suggesting this is not making her want to do these things, and i don't know how else to persuade/motivate her to do so.

 

Can anyone help me figure out how to motivate this woman before she does something to herself, my niece and nephew, or someone else involved?

 

Thanks,

Phil

[Angel1111]

If a person doesn't want to help themselves, then there's probably only so much you can do about it. Maybe you can buy her a new cat for her birthday or for Mother's Day?

 

Now that your mom is 60, is she aware of the provision from the government that allows the first wife to draw on her husband's social security? I forget what it's called - the first wife benefit or something. You can Google it and find it on the social security site. Even if the couple is divorced and the man remarries, the first wife gets this benefit (but she must be single and they had to have been married 10 yrs or more). But because your father is deceased, I'm not sure how that works. But it's possible that your mom will be able to get more money. It's probably worth looking into.

 

Something you could do is maybe visit her occasionally and help her out with the things that need repairing around the house. Or, if you're not nearby, and if you can afford it, hire someone locally to do some things around her house. I know that as a single mom and a homeowner, sometimes house repairs overwhelm me. One day, I installed a garbage disposal by myself! Actually I was quite proud of myself but, in your mom's case, with her depression and all, the house situation is just going to add to it and she's not going to be pro-active.

 

I'm sorry you're having to watch your mother live her life like this. I'm sure it's very troublesome. If you can't visit her often, give her a call about once a week. Even if she doesn't want to talk much, it will still mean something to her to hear from you.

Edited January 28, 2010 by Angel1111