Staying For The Kids

[ladydesigner]

Just curious as to how many on here put on a brave face just for the kids. Lately I feel like I am staying in my marriage for the kids sake. Both myself and my H have had an A and are working on saving our marriage. Sometimes I feel like it is a losing battle. I still love my H but I no longer desire him, want to cuddle, kiss, or even hold his hand. It is like we are really good friends. The sex is great but we do not have it very often primarily because I am no longer sexually attracted to him. We have been through a lot besides the infidelity and I do not have much respect for him. My worst fear of leaving is that another woman would eventually become a stepmother to our children and I DO NOT WANT THAT. This is the main reason I feel for "sticking it out." We do not argue and we get along well, it's just the intimacy and emotional connection...is gone.

 

Are there any others out there like me????

[Buttnutter100]

Your situation is not uncommon.

 

It is called a marriage of convenience.

 

It probably makes sense to stick things out until the youngest is 18.

 

Who knows?

 

Maybe over time your love for each other will rejuvenate.

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

Are there any others out there like me????

 

Your situation is much more common than one would expect... couples do not know how to prioritize thier sexual relationship and end up divorcing eventually because of it. In my humble opinion, sexless marriages are a true shame.

 

If my own daughter were in your situation I would encourage her to fix the situation or leave the marriage. I understand it's not as simple as that.

 

God forbid you unexpectly passed away... would your children then be looking to another woman as their stepmother? You would be turning in your grave, no? Well sieze the life you have here today. Stop living a lie.

 

It is your responsiblity to find what was once there, or choose to move on. Accepting a life in the same household without intimacy is horribly wrong.

 

I'll take a quote from Steven Covey on this one: “Love is a verb. Love - the feeling - is a fruit of love, the verb. So love him. Serve him. Sacrifice. Listen to him. Empathize. Appreciate. Affirm him. Love is a value that is actualized through loving actions.”

 

Good Luck...

[jwi71]

Just curious as to how many on here put on a brave face just for the kids. Lately I feel like I am staying in my marriage for the kids sake.

 

I too tried this. For about 6, maybe 8, weeks.

It sucked. I wasn't going to live MY life like that.

I deserve a happy life too...one where I look forward to waking and dread going to sleep. It was, of course, the opposite as I tried to "Stay for the kids" - literally dreading having to see my now xWW. Having to look at her. Having to be in the same room as her. IT was the hardest time of my life...bar none. It was soul draining.

 

And kids pick up on it. You know this...I can almost promise you they sense "something" is off.

I still love my H but I no longer desire him, want to cuddle, kiss, or even hold his hand. It is like we are really good friends. The sex is great but we do not have it very often primarily because I am no longer sexually attracted to him.

You aren't attracted to your H sexually but the sex is great? Huh?

 

My worst fear of leaving is that another woman would eventually become a stepmother to our children and I DO NOT WANT THAT. This is the main reason I feel for "sticking it out."

Wow. Usually people stay so they can see the kids everyday and not miss out. Why don't you want a stepmother raising them? Are you ok with a stepfather raising them?

 

And uh, if this is THE reason, your M is dead, long dead and deader than dead. There is ZERO hope of your life, your H's life or your kid's life improving. How can it? You don't respect him, don't love him and have no desire for him. What kind of shyte life is that? You deserve to be happy, your H deserves to be happy and your kids deserve happy parents. Beause happy parents are GREAT parents...not just going through the motion parents.

 

What happens, a few years from now, when the next OM comes along? When the lure of happiness raises its head? You leave then? Or do you make the sacrifice "for the kids" (and end up resenting your H, your M and even your kids)...this is a slow suicide.

 

Look, a divorce can be a great thing - a new lease on life for EVERYONE.

You could go to bed with a man you love and respect. Look forward to the mornings. Look forward to the nights . Your kids would SEE exactly what a M is supposed to be...laughing, witty banter, open affection...HAPPINESS.

Not this train wreck they are forced to watch.

 

We do not argue and we get along well, it's just the intimacy and emotional connection...is gone.

Of course...like I said, you don't love or respect him...you stay only to keep this fantasy stepmother away from your kids.

 

It NEVER gets better.

 

Are there any others out there like me????

Sure...and they all say it sucks but they do it for the kids so its all worthwhile. I get it. I obviously don't agree. In fact, many here did stay for the kids and, in hindsight, wish they hadn't for exactly what I've said...the missed out on a happy life (with a loving spouse I mean).

 

Like I said, I divorced my WW. I HOPE a stepfather enters their life when they are with her. I hope my GF becomes a stepmother. I welcome BOTH.

Life with step-parents is HARD only if YOU (or your H) make it so. So don't. The stepparent NEVER replaces "mom". You aren't being replaced as "mom". The kids know this too.

 

And yes, its POSSIBLE that the step-mom TRULY loves your kids. Do you love the children of others? Friends maybe? See where I'm going...the emotions can be real. I lived overseas for years and we had nannies. Those nannies, I promise you, LOVED my children as if they were their own.

 

I say, file for D and live a HAPPY life.

You WILL adjust (I did)

The kids WILL adjust (mine have).

 

You CAN be happy...but not at home with your H...go, and let everyone have the CHANCE to be happy.

[NowhereToHide]

Just curious as to how many on here put on a brave face just for the kids. Lately I feel like I am staying in my marriage for the kids sake. Both myself and my H have had an A and are working on saving our marriage. Sometimes I feel like it is a losing battle. I still love my H but I no longer desire him, want to cuddle, kiss, or even hold his hand. It is like we are really good friends. The sex is great but we do not have it very often primarily because I am no longer sexually attracted to him. We have been through a lot besides the infidelity and I do not have much respect for him. My worst fear of leaving is that another woman would eventually become a stepmother to our children and I DO NOT WANT THAT. This is the main reason I feel for "sticking it out." We do not argue and we get along well, it's just the intimacy and emotional connection...is gone.

 

Are there any others out there like me????

 

 

I am in a similar situation to you, Lady.

 

My H and I have been good friends and great co-parents. We put our kids first above anything else (including our marriage unfortunately). We have infrequent sex, but when we do it's really good sex. And our marriage has been dying a slow death since the birth of our first child.

 

After my A, I went to IC. I realized how much we had both sacrificed for our children. And I realized how bad my marriage had become (my H agrees by the way). We are now at a crucial turning point in our relationship... we are starting MC and we are going to try and repair this thing.

 

Why are we trying to fix it? For the kids. We both feel that we owe it to our children to try and fix this mess we have created. We own what we've done. We recognize that we took shortcuts along the way... never focusing on each other, never acknowledging each other. We stopped seeing each other. And now we are paying the price.

 

I feel like right now, I am definitely in it for my kids. And I don't think it's detrimental to them, at least not at this point... they see their parents laugh and have fun... but I know they are NOT seeing two people that are in love. They are not witnessing true intimacy and connection (and certainly not passion), and it bothers me a lot. And interestingly, they have NEVER seen us affectionate (another thing that bothers me).

 

I am not worried about step-parents. I am not worried about divorcing since I know my H and I would always put our kids' needs above our own. I am worried about moving on from this life I've created without being 100% sure that I've given everything I can to it. At least if I have truly worked at it, I can walk away if need be without fear.

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

I am not worried about step-parents. I am not worried about divorcing since I know my H and I would always put our kids' needs above our own. I am worried about moving on from this life I've created without being 100% sure that I've given everything I can to it. At least if I have truly worked at it, I can walk away if need be without fear.

 

Very well put. Hard to say where your family will end up in the end, but at least you are doing the right thing. I was inspired by your response, it seems like you really have your head on straight...

 

Best of luck to you and your family.

[giotto]

I am in a similar situation to you, Lady.

 

My H and I have been good friends and great co-parents. We put our kids first above anything else (including our marriage unfortunately). We have infrequent sex, but when we do it's really good sex. And our marriage has been dying a slow death since the birth of our first child.

 

After my A, I went to IC. I realized how much we had both sacrificed for our children. And I realized how bad my marriage had become (my H agrees by the way). We are now at a crucial turning point in our relationship... we are starting MC and we are going to try and repair this thing.

 

Why are we trying to fix it? For the kids. We both feel that we owe it to our children to try and fix this mess we have created. We own what we've done. We recognize that we took shortcuts along the way... never focusing on each other, never acknowledging each other. We stopped seeing each other. And now we are paying the price.

 

I feel like right now, I am definitely in it for my kids. And I don't think it's detrimental to them, at least not at this point... they see their parents laugh and have fun... but I know they are NOT seeing two people that are in love. They are not witnessing true intimacy and connection (and certainly not passion), and it bothers me a lot. And interestingly, they have NEVER seen us affectionate (another thing that bothers me).

 

I am not worried about step-parents. I am not worried about divorcing since I know my H and I would always put our kids' needs above our own. I am worried about moving on from this life I've created without being 100% sure that I've given everything I can to it. At least if I have truly worked at it, I can walk away if need be without fear.

 

My story is like NTH's, but we failed at fixing the marriage... don't get me wrong, we are still together (after a few rocky months last year), we do get along and we even have sex - maybe twice a month and sex is good... but we've fallen out of love. Well, we've been together nearly 25 years and when the children (4) came, we just drifted apart... I said that I blame my wife in another thread. Well, I blame her for putting her and the children first, always... the rest is shared...

 

I'm staying for the children... definitely. But I'm also a bit scared because I'm an affair waiting to happen and I don't want that if I'm still at home...

[wheelwright]

My 3 & 1/2 year old son sits at the dinner table repeating like a chant 'Mummy, Daddy, His sister's name, His name'. It's his world. There are four of us and it's a core part of how he conceives the world.

 

I would have to be pretty unhappy to wreck that, even though I fully believe kids can be fine after divorce, and can benefit hugely from having significant adults such as step-parents in their lives.

 

I would have left during my A, because I was that unhappy. Now I am trying to find out what went wrong and whether love can be revived.

 

I have been with my H for 19 years. I feel like I am a beginner because I don't know if when we hit this wall of 'the feelings are gone' we can get them back, if this is a test of the M, if now we are older we need to find out what we've done to make it go wrong, if it can get better.

 

All the problems were there before, but I still loved him. Now I care about him, we still have sex, I often feel I don't want to be touched or kissed, but feel OK on occasion.

 

Perhaps this is normal after 19 years?

 

Perhaps an A is pretty normal for a 40 year old woman?

 

Perhaps I married the wrong guy (even though he's great in many ways)?

 

Perhaps I married the right guy, and this compromise is the nature of marriage?

 

Is it my M that's the problem or my attitude to marriage?

 

Ultimately I just have to choose how to spend my life, bearing in mind that involves my kids.

 

In my case, I will try and regain the level of intimacy I know I need for some time, but if I can't get it and start to imagine having another A, I will get out before that happens. Because that's best for all of us.

[SimplyBeingLoved]

Gonna be very honest here.

 

I don't understand the "staying for the kids" concept.

 

Yes, I understand what it means, but it doesn't make sense to me.

 

Well, it makes sense to me if there would be a huge financial/lifestyle impact in the case of divorce, and the children are young. That I understand. For example, mother doesn't work, and has very young children. And that income is limited and divorcing would mean a huge logistical nightmare and there's not money for two households.

 

That I understand.

 

But otherwise? The socially accepted response is that staying for the kids provides them with security. What security? The security that they live in a happy household with two happy adults? What if that's not true? So... you want to raise your children in the environment of a big fat lie? That's security???

 

Nobody really NEEDS to get married these days. It's NOT necessary. It was necessary perhaps fifty years ago, when women had a harder time providing for themselves. Now, we marry, at least in the USA, by choice. Total choice. And that choice need not be for financial reasons. Nor for societal pressure. Today, we finally have the choice that we can marry because we simply have found someone we want to spend the rest of our lives with. Because we love them and have a deep connection.

 

So when we stay for the kids, after the love is gone, what we're really teaching them is that marriage is primarily for... what other people think, financial reasons and convenience. If that's why you want to stay married, and you've accepted those reasons, that's fine.

 

But if you believe in marriage as an institution... NOT for convenience, NOT for financial reasons... but for happiness... yet you stay for "the kids"... then what you're really teaching your kids is that: their FALSE sense of security is more important than your REAL happiness.

 

And I don't believe that my kids happiness is MORE important than my own. AS important, yes. MORE important, no.

 

Divorce can be devastating, yes, but mainly because our society is hammered with the belief that it's such a FAILURE and we perpetuate lies that security is based on "happily ever after... forever".

[angie2443]

Divorce can be devastating, yes, but mainly because our society is hammered with the belief that it's such a FAILURE and we perpetuate lies that security is based on "happily ever after... forever".

 

I disagree to an extent on this one. Yes, I think that if two people can't work out their differances in a marriage, then it is not healthy to "stay for the kids". Divorce, however, will most likely be very painful for the children. Maybe it will be devastating for a while. I think it's useless to down play this fact by saying divorce is no big deal unless you make it one. People should not take marriage lightly, and people should not take divorce lightly if there are children involved.

[stuckinoz]

My opinion - for whatever it's worth.

Staying for the kids is commendable. As long as the parents can at least "fake it" to some extent & the kids seem happy & well adjusted.

 

BUT

 

Don't be fooled into thinking that it's easier to tell a grown child that their parents are splitting up. IT IS NOT! They may understand it a little bit better & that they won't have to be shuffled back & forth. But it is NOT an easy task. Those that fall into the false sense of security that..."When they are grown" We'll bail.

It was one of the hardest things I had to do. Tell my kids that were at the time 22 & 24 that their parents were splitting up. We cried. They didn't ask why - Mostly because they already knew. It was nonetheless - VERY DIFFICULT.

[Tiny220]

I understand it it 100%, I came from a "broken marriage" and it has scarred me for life. I didn't get married until I was 32. I wanted to make sure I was ready. The problem,,, maybe my wife wasn't. Our story is posted here. I love my wife with all my heart, and my girls even more. But it is literally killing me to suffer through this, but if that is what it takes, then so be it. My wifes father passed when she was young, I don't know what that is like,, but I often think that would not be as bad as a father walking out on his family like mine. I sometimes wish a bolt of lightning, or an asteroid would land on my head, so the pain would end, but the girls wouldn't have to live with "mommy and daddy got divorced"

 

T

[ladydesigner]

First of all thank you for all the wonderful replies. I know some of what I have stated does not make sense, sometimes it doesn't even make sense to me but I am doing the best that I can. There are days where I feel I still love my H and I guess I need to figure out how to find my way back to him. Life throws some mean curve balls.

 

I understand it it 100%, I came from a "broken marriage" and it has scarred me for life. I didn't get married until I was 32. I wanted to make sure I was ready. The problem,,, maybe my wife wasn't. Our story is posted here. I love my wife with all my heart, and my girls even more. But it is literally killing me to suffer through this, but if that is what it takes, then so be it. My wifes father passed when she was young, I don't know what that is like,, but I often think that would not be as bad as a father walking out on his family like mine. I sometimes wish a bolt of lightning, or an asteroid would land on my head, so the pain would end, but the girls wouldn't have to live with "mommy and daddy got divorced"

 

T

 

I loved this response. I am glad to hear a response like this, it tells me that I am doing the right thing. If I feel like I can no longer bear to be in my marriage then it would probably be best for everyone that we get a D but in the meantime I am going to do everything in my power to save it.

[jennie-jennie]

I wish my parents had divorced. My mother is very demanding and verbally abusive towards my father. We children were scarred for life by their poor relationship. Now they are approaching 80 and are still making their lives miserable by living together.

[ladydesigner]

I wish my parents had divorced. My mother is very demanding and verbally abusive towards my father. We children were scarred for life by their poor relationship. Now they are approaching 80 and are still making their lives miserable by living together.

 

Wow:( I do not want my children to feel this way. There are times I am soooo:mad: at my H over his A that I have said some verbally abusive things to him. Lately I have been keeping my anger in check in front of the kids, but they have witnessed a few arguments that they really should not have been subjected to and I feel sick about it.

[crazycatlady]

My H wishes his parents got divorced years ago because of how his mom treated his dad. But when they did seperate 10 or so years ago, his little brother flipped right now. H couldn't have cared less. So even children in the same family have different reactions. It was painful watching my inlaws together when H's dad moved back in. Mother in law was very clingy and Father in law looked like he was being smothered slowly.

 

But I can't imagine staying in a marriage that wasn't giving me what I needed at least some of the time just for the kids. Putting the kids first is what kills most marriages in the first place, it seems like staying for them would be even worse.

 

CCL

[jennie-jennie]

Wow:( I do not want my children to feel this way. There are times I am soooo:mad: at my H over his A that I have said some verbally abusive things to him. Lately I have been keeping my anger in check in front of the kids, but they have witnessed a few arguments that they really should not have been subjected to and I feel sick about it.

 

My mother does talk about this nanny she says my father was flirtatious with in the beginning of the sixties. I don't know if that is when she started to be abusive or if she always was.

[ladydesigner]

But I can't imagine staying in a marriage that wasn't giving me what I needed at least some of the time just for the kids. Putting the kids first is what kills most marriages in the first place, it seems like staying for them would be even worse.

 

CCL

 

I don't quite understand this as when children are very young you almost have to put them first in order to take care of them. If I put my H first then they would get neglected. As time has gone on and they are getting older more attention is now being given back to my H. Plus the love I have for my children is a different love and I feel a much stronger love than the love I feel for my H. I guess I need to find that perfect balance.

 

 

My mother does talk about this nanny she says my father was flirtatious with in the beginning of the sixties. I don't know if that is when she started to be abusive or if she always was.

 

Yes unfortunately my bad behavior started after his A was discovered.

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

I do not think my parents should have divorced. I do not think they should be together they way they are though. They both owed it to each other to see a professional about their issues. Neither has had an hour of professional therapy in their lives.

 

If they divorced today, or even 15+ years ago, it would have not scarred me for life. If they divorced much before that, I would speculate that it would have affected my views on many things...

 

I can tell you UNEQUIVOCABLY, I do not want to end up like my parents, or my wife's parents (both together for approx 40 years), or most other couples I know it that age bracket... I've been thinking about starting a thread asking about how many couples each poster knows that have been together for 30+ years and seem to be happy (or at least content)...

[ladydesigner]

I can tell you UNEQUIVOCABLY, I do not want to end up like my parents, or my wife's parents (both together for approx 40 years), or most other couples I know it that age bracket... I've been thinking about starting a thread asking about how many couples each poster knows that have been together for 30+ years and seem to be happy (or at least content)...

 

Yes I would be interested in this as well. Because everyone that I know of including my own parents are not TRULY happy. I sometimes feel that I am repeating what my parents are. The weird thing is that I am still happy they stayed together. I definitely would have been scarred from a divorce if they had gotten one.

[Tiny220]

Wow:( I do not want my children to feel this way. There are times I am soooo:mad: at my H over his A that I have said some verbally abusive things to him. Lately I have been keeping my anger in check in front of the kids, but they have witnessed a few arguments that they really should not have been subjected to and I feel sick about it.

 

Well let me add this, we do NOT hate each other,, my wife just ignores my wants and needs. We have never argued, fought, or in any other way demeaned each other in front of the girls, or truthfully at any other time. There is just no affection shown at all. If it does degrade to that point, then things would be different. Now an arguement or two is one thing, but if it got to name calling, accusing each other of things ect, that would change everything. My girls and their well being are the most important things in my life.

There has been no affairs or anything like that,,,

T

[crazycatlady]

I don't quite understand this as when children are very young you almost have to put them first in order to take care of them. If I put my H first then they would get neglected. As time has gone on and they are getting older more attention is now being given back to my H. Plus the love I have for my children is a different love and I feel a much stronger love than the love I feel for my H. I guess I need to find that perfect balance.

 

 

 

 

Yes unfortunately my bad behavior started after his A was discovered.

 

I know a lot of people whose attention never goes back to their H. By 5 your kid doesn't need to be the center of your world. And while this isn't maybe your case, it is for some people I know. They let their kids interrupt their time together, kids always sharing their bed (and I'm not knocking co-sleeping, we co-slept for the first year of my son's life and I loved it, but once son was asleep it was H's time that is what the living room was for), or always having access to the bedroom.

 

My kids know that Dad's first 10 minutes home is our time in the bedroom. We chat about the day away from them, I get to enjoy watching him change, its our time. Yeah they are happy he is home and excited to tell him things, but those 10 minutes belong to me.

 

H has been great at insisting that I take time for me and my needs. Be it with him, or my sisters, or my friends.

 

I have some friends whose kids are doing so many activities there is no time for the parents to have time for themselves. No wonder they are drifting apart. Its crazy and not in a good way.

 

CCL

[Janicehc]

Wow! So many messages that ring so true for me!! What do we do when we stay in the marriage for the kids??? My kids seem happier... My husband is happier to have me back... But some days I feel like I've signed up for a prison sentence that will last til my youngest is an adult.... Then i wonder if this is how marriage is suppose to be?!?!?? Our sex life sucks... I'm repulsed by him physically.... He's sloppy, stinky, and overweight.... Nor does he wana hear one word about any of that--he wants me to accept him as he is and overlook these flaws...and I want to do that... I just haven't figured out how yet! I'm sure things could be worse, so I'm gonna fake it til I make it

[Passion4Life]

Wow! So many messages that ring so true for me!! What do we do when we stay in the marriage for the kids??? My kids seem happier... My husband is happier to have me back... But some days I feel like I've signed up for a prison sentence that will last til my youngest is an adult.... Then i wonder if this is how marriage is suppose to be?!?!?? Our sex life sucks... I'm repulsed by him physically.... He's sloppy, stinky, and overweight.... Nor does he wana hear one word about any of that--he wants me to accept him as he is and overlook these flaws...and I want to do that... I just haven't figured out how yet! I'm sure things could be worse, so I'm gonna fake it til I make it

 

he is not being fair if he expects u to accpet him being stinky sloppy , etc which are natural turn-offs for any sensible person .These flaws are pretty much fixable & thus can't be overlooked , he needs to work on that .

[BettyBoop]

Lately I feel like I am staying in my marriage for the kids sake.

 

Never do that. I have been one of those children where one parent stayed because of us when the marriage was terrible. It was a mistake. My home and house was a living hell for over 5 years before one parent finally left to be with someone else.

 

I wish my parents had divorced when the problems started and then maybe it would not be as bad between my parents as it is. And I would have had a lot less problems to deal with.