Hoping For Reconciliation and Growth

[pastxmas]

Hello All,

 

I was browsing Google results for the search term "how to get my wife to come back" when I came across a thread in this site. I was so moved by the support that this community had to offer, and a suggestion by one of the members giving advice for a person to "pour their heart out here to help with the pain" that I decided to give this community a try. Thank you in advance for having me and for anything anyone may have to offer to help.

 

That being said, my story:

 

My wife left me yesterday after an argument in our car that caused her to get out 5 blocks from the building where we were headed for an appointment with my clinical social worker that I am seeing for depression and anxiety. She got upset at what seemed to me like little to nothing and exited the car. I told her I would meet her up the road where the buliding was at.

 

After my session, I exited the office and the car was gone. I was stranded 8 miles from home, as we have the one car we share that is jointly owned. I made it up the road to a payphone and tried to call her. No answer. I decided I would walk along the bus route and catch a bus when it came along, which could have been from a minute to an hour. I am not familiar with the bus schedule.

 

Turns out there was no bus so I walked all the way home. When I got in the house after the 2 and a half hour walk, she was not home and she had taken a few of her belongings and both of our cats. I knew then that she wanted away from me for a longer amount of time than I had hoped and decided to give her a call. I told her i was not wrong for what I did and that I would not apologize. She got angry and hung up.

 

I have been ringing her phone off the hook ever since and she has not answered. I found out this morning that she was taking money out of a bank account I have set aside for emergencies and bills, with all the money in the account earmarked for bills at this time. She has a card that I gave her in case of emergencies. It wasn't much that she took out today though, $15 at Wendy's, $25 at Kroger, etc. I sent her a text message asking her to stop because it was dipping into bill money. A half hour later, I checked the account and saw an ATM withdrawal for $120. Ouch.

 

Since I haven't heard from her, I couldn't imagine if all the money would be drained or not. So I called the bank and had them block the card, explaining to them what was going on. I then text messaged her to let her know that I feel I was left with no choice and that I was sorry.

 

I am not leaving her down and out. She is staying with her father who is quite well off and she is in no way starving. I know this because one time she picked up the phone, made a bunch of loud noises into it, pressed buttons angrily, etc. While she was doing this, I heard her father in the background telling her to not even bother with me, that I am not worth it.

 

There is a lot of background that I don't want to get into just yet, as I don't want to induce any comas or push anyone away with the threat of a long read. I will say though that obviously things didn't go from perfect to her wanting to be away from me just like that.

 

There is a 4-year history of me being verbally and emotionally abusive to her and her having to suffer with me through my mental and emotional problems.

I have also told her quite a few times that she has no heart or concern for my problems, no compassion. This didn't help things.

 

So sitting here now, I have read through a couple threads on this forum and have decided to take the common advice of, "If you love someone, set them free and if it is meant to be, they will return." I sent her one last text message to let her know that I will no longer be harassing her, since she has made it clear that she wants her space, but I am open to talk and work things out whenever she is ready to talk to me or just be here to idly chit-chat if it would help with her missing me.

 

This is the third time she has left and I have succeeded in getting her back twice, often groveling and begging during the process, which didn't help at all. I have learned that that is not the best way and am now sitting here trying to fight the urge to call her. It's seems like a worse habit than drugs, you know, wanting to talk to the person you love and miss, giving in to the cravings, panic, low self esteem, etc. I am fighting the urge though and hope that I can be successful in going cold turkey from contact as long as it takes to help her miss me too and wish to start talking things out. It will also serve to help me work on myself by myself for the time being, which I have never really done.

 

That's pretty much it in a nutshell. If I have missed anything or if anyone wants to know more, please let me know and I will comply to the best of my ability.

 

For the time being, I will just keep telling myself that everything will be OK. I know she still loves me and wants to be with me. She told me that last night. She just needs space and I hope and pray my impatience doesn't make that hard for her. I do want her back and will do anything to help her be happy again.

 

Thank You.

[mikeymad]

Well since I am the first to see this, welcome to LS. You will find many people here able to give you some good advice, as tough as it may be to take.

 

It seems as if you left out some key points to let us know exactly where to guide you. Such as:the arguement in the car, which may or may not be significant, and the what the recent timeframe before that was like. The more honest you are, the better we can dissect the situation.

 

On that note, it was very brave of you to admit to strangers that you were verbally and emotionally abusive. And the fact you are seeing a counselor is another plus. Keep doing that.

 

What I (and others) have learned is that the more you push for a reconciliation, the more you will push them away. The fact that she came back before with you grovelling and begging might have led her to lose a lot of respect for you as a man.

 

Take this time and radically change your life. Exercise like a madman. Go out with friends and family. WHATEVER IT TAKES to get your mind off her. Do whatever you can to not be alone, or to be dead tired at the end of the day. Read as much about self improvement as you can. She only took a few things, so she will have to contact you at some point about the rest. She will then be able to observe what you have changed, and actually gain respect for you.

 

hang in there, and remember this is an emotional time for you. don't do anything immediately, you are blinded by emotions, and are basically stupid. We all are when things like this happens.

 

Keep posting and ask advice.

[pastxmas]

Thanks, Mikeymad.

 

It has been a long road for us in dealing with my problems and the toll they have taken on her.

 

She has been telling me for a couple weeks that she was having bad dreams about us, such as us splitting up in a nasty way or her finding out that I am cheating on her, which I am not doing in any way. It has led her to be very sad and even tell me that she was considering taking some time for herself. I got very upset at this (not angry but sad) and told her I couldn't bear it, trying to cling onto her as much as possible.

 

Our history has been rocky. I was diagnosed with mental illness in the first 2 months of us being together. I had a very hard time over the past 4 years trying to deal with it all, tyring to be a functional person who can uphold my end of our marriage.

 

We got married March 30, 2009 even though there were doubts about it. We have never hated each other or been indifferent but it has been up and down. The history has indeed been rough and I am clearly seeing some thins for the first time.

 

The argument in the car was due to me telling her that she forgot to close the front entrance door to our house that leads into the hallway and the inner door. It's one of those old houses. Anyway, she got upset and told me I was nit picking. I told her that I couldn't believe that were were fighting on the way to my appointment when I should have been focusing on what I was going to talk to my therapist about. 5 blocks from the office, she got out of the car and slammed the door as hard as she could. I drove on and told her I would meet her there. The rest I have already mentioned.

 

I am trying hard at this point to control my emotions and fears, but it is especially hard with my illness. Thanks for your support. I will write more as I think of it.

Edited January 27, 2010 by pastxmas

[pastxmas]

I would also like to add that there is a lot of hot-to-cold on her part. She would go from being all lovey dovey and cuddly to not wanting to be around me, all in the space of an hour or two.

 

In fact, just a couple hours before we got into that argument yesterday, she gave me a big hug and told me that everything would be ok, not to worry. Then, a short time later, she practically disappears with a short phone conversation and no contact whatsoever afterwards.

 

I don't get it.

[pastxmas]

I just received a text message from her at 9:00PM, about 7 hours after breaking contact (or attempted contacts, as it is more accurately stated).

 

 

She asked me why I was so calm and cool this time and I told her that I have realized some things but didn't go into detail. I told her I will respect her wishes in talking to me and will not push anything.

 

After that, she launched into me about cutting her off from my bank account and how I am leaving her with nothing to get by on. I believe this is a misdirection of feelings on her part and an attempt to get sympathy from me that will begin the groveling process and begging her to let me make it up to her.

 

I told her that I had to do what I had to do and that I was sorry if it hurt her. I know she would have done the same thing if she was in my spot after not hearing from me in over a day and her bank acocunt slowly being drained without explanation.

 

I then told her that I needed to go and that if she wanted to talk to me, to let me know, that I would not contact her unless she told me she wanted to talk. My "I love you" and wishes for her to have a nice evening were unanswered.

 

How am I handling this so far? Any input would be helpful. I will not take offence.

[mimidarlin]

I think that I have an intuitive feeling about your situation though you didn't provide a lot of details.

 

You mentioned that you were diagnosed with a mental illness shortly into your relationship. I'm sure that trying to get treatment and function in everyday life has taken a toll on the relationship.

 

I went into a deep dark depression in 2006. I knew I was spiraling down but I couldn't see how bad it had become. There is a lot of background to the story but the short story is that my husband thought he wanted out of the marriage. I had become very argumentative and even had a desire to be violent. I wasn't violent but I understood how a person could lose control. My husband stayed after I begged and pleaded but I don't think we ever returned to a good place.

 

Flash forward...my husband and I are now separated though we are going through counseling. It has been a rough year for me but I never stopped receiving treatment for my depression. (Runs in the family in a big way) This time around I am crying...really sad...want him back. But...I am not begging. I feel stronger and more confident. I don't want to lose my marriage but I am glad that I am pursuing reconciliation from a stronger and more independent point of view.

 

The thing is...how can we have a healthy relationship with someone else if we can't have one with ourselves? It's a work in progress and both of our relationships may not survive this challenge but we can survive the challenge.

 

I know how it feels to deal with mental illness from the caregiver role as well. My mother is very difficult and unpredictable. We worry about her and if she will care for herself. My oldest brother is a chronic addict that spent a lot of his life in jail or prison. It is very hard on the caregiver. Wears us out emotionally and physically. Maybe you both need a break.

 

Please realize that you really have to focus on yourself. It isn't selfish to insure that you are as healthy as you can be both mentally and physically. Keep up the counseling...maybe find a support group.

[pastxmas]

Thanks for your words of encouragement, Mimi. It really helps at this time.

 

I am having a hard time with the details because I am not very good at organizing my thoughts lately. I am extremely scatterbrained and forgetful.

 

I have been on the self improvement journey since early November when I had a nervous breakdown that was followed by 4 trips to the hospital psych ward for observation. The hospital set me up with the people who are helping me now after having to admit to myself that those who I have been seeking help from have been steering me wrong.

 

The first round of medication did nothing for me and I went from depression and anxiety to hearing whispers and being afraid of everything. I am now on a round of meds that are starting to help.

 

Regardless of any progress I have made, my wife has suffered and has appeared to have lost that bubbly, upbeat personality she had when we met. I feel guilty about that, like I have somehow damaged her emotionally.

 

After one of our fights, last February, she went out for a drive and on her way home she was hit by a drunk driver, breaking her ankle and sternum and being mostly immobilized for 7 months afterwards. She blames me for the wreck, saying that if I hadn't pushed her into feeling like she had to leave, it wouldn't have happened. I told her I feel like she made the choice to leave and that she decided to be out for 4 hours before heading back home. It comes up occasionally and brings a lot of bad feelings out of her.

 

Her father also blames me. He didn't like me from the beginning, as I was taking his baby girl away. The problems we have had in our relationship have given him ammunition to bolster his dislike of me. He has been working on her for months to move back in with him and just drop me like last week's TV Guide. She has resisted but now that she has taken him up on it, I have heard that he is not really helping her but telling her that all she has is a roof.

 

It turns out that cutting her out of my bank account has really cut her off altogether. He won't give her a penny or even buy her a meal. I offered to help her but she has not accepted. I hate to think it, but maybe she is telling me a lie to try to test me emotionally, see if I beg her to accept my help and feel guilty for blocking her from my account.

 

Hope I am not babbling on too much. It's one of my faults, the inability, at times, to keep it short and sweet.

[mimidarlin]

xmas,

I am very sorry for your long struggle. I remember the positive change I had on my meds though it took awhile. At one point I inquired about being titrated off of them. The doc said that I've had several depressive episodes in my life and it runs in my family. I was disappointed that I didn't get off the meds until I saw someone go off the deep end that was bipolar.

 

She started hearing things and acting almost schizo. I didn't realize that that was a possibility if manic depression is left untreated. I now take my meds religiously and have no interest in getting off of them. Please make sure that you have a doctor that you can relate to and who is up to date on medication side effects.

 

Combination of medications can create bad reactions as well. Be sure to bring in all of your meds to a doctor visit and discuss the side effects. My doc put me on an Ativan for anxiety. The warning stated that the drug would make me sleepy/dizzy and it would be increased with alcohol. Well I had some wine with a dinner a few hours after taking the Ativan and I couldn't believe the reaction. I was drunk. Seriously pissed...throwing up etc. Turns out a small % of people will have this side effect.

 

I've had other side effects in the past. Pain meds made me hallucinate and have severe anger problems. The point is make sure that you stay educated as a consumer and that you have confidence in your health care provider.

 

Take care of yourself. Please don't become another tragic story in the paper. We would all like to know that you are able to find your way out of this dark hole. Stay strong.

[pastxmas]

I took an Ativan this morning and was going to do some work around the house once my breakfast setled. I ended up falling asleep for a couple hours. It did me so much good. It was such a relief and kept me from having a panic attack.

 

She has begun texting me again, which woke me up from my nap. She wants some relationship questions answered and is quite upset. You know, how could you do this to me, how could you do that to me, etc. How are things going to get better?

 

She also said that I have no clue about what she is going through now, if she is eating or sleeping or having a bath when she wants one. I told her that I hope she is fine and that she has what she needs as much as she can right now.

 

You see, when she cut out on me, she knew in leaving that she would be walking away with our automobile and cats but nowhere to really go. Her father welcomes her with open arms but then starts putting all these rules on her and telling her that she won't be a leech on him. Everything he gets for her is entered into a little ledger to push in her face about how much she owes him.

 

But I have driven her to that. I know we are both to blame and we each have our parts but I feel like I pushed her out. Not just the other day but in many ways for 4 years.

 

So I am answering her questions that when she feels right about things she will come back but if she doesn't she won't. I will keep limited contact with her in the meantime.

 

After her going over how I don't want her and that she is just trying to muve on with nothing, I am getting a little angry. Especially since she keeps bringing up the blocked ATM card.

 

She has ups and downs though and this is one of those downs.

 

More to follow.

[mimidarlin]

Good move on the ATM card. Though it's a shared account it is important to protect those fund as soon as possible. She has a roof over her head and food in her belly? It isn't the best but people can end up in much worse situations.

[pastxmas]

She is telling me that her father is pushing her out of the house, telling her he will not feed her, etc. He is doing it to drive that wedge the rest of the way home. He is going back on his word to help her get away from me. The very next day after she gets settled, he starts beating her down emotionally and depriving her of all hope. If he would have done what he said, she would have more time to think about our situation without extra pressure being there.

 

When she asks him why he won't even give her a few dollars, he says that she has a husband and that she needs to take him to court to get her half if he won't give it up.

 

It's funny. I asked her to admit that she would have done the same thing with the ATM card and she knew it was true, but followed it up with something like, "But the difference is that you stopped trusting me a long time ago, way before this."

 

I know there is no way to argue with irrationality no matter how hard you try. I guess I just have to move on and hope for the best, for myself first, then us if it is still there down the road.

[mark982]

buddy, she's playing games with your head. in this case i really believe this is one of those times where you gotta tell yourself

'if her lips are moving, she's lying" . all she wants to see if you begging again, she's not used to you having some balls and calling her bluff.

[hopesndreams]

Has she always been attention seeking? Keep doing what you're doing, she'll be back and the next time she gets a bee in her bonnet, she'll think twice about leaving.

[pastxmas]

Well, tonight was interesting. She tried to contact me again and I told her I was busy and to just leave me be until tomorrow. She got mad and told me that in that case, she will be sending people over to get the rest of her stuff out of my place. I told her that the Bengals will win the Superbowl before I just let her come into this house when she pleases like she walked out with 2 cars and 1/3 of my money without so much as a peep. I said I was changing the locks and that no one would be able to come in here without my say-so.

 

She didn't respond to that at all.

 

A couple hours later, she told me that she was sorry for leaving me without transportation and offered to take me to my doctor's appointment tomorrow. I told her no thanks, that I had the bus trip planned and could even walk it if I had to. It is only 5 and a half miles via the most direct route. I told her not to mind that I would be standing out in 11 degree weather for hours. I would be fine. I didn't need her.

 

She broke. Told me she was sorry for everything and began to cry. She did a 180 but the other way. I told her that it wasn't necessary, that things worked out like this because we have issues we need to work out alone. I suggested she work on hers as I have been working on mine.

 

So I am lounging around and she calls me a half hour later telling me she has arrived. I told her I was not interested in entertaining company and that I would have to see her another time. She started begging me to talk to her so I said OK and agreed to go with her up the road to an ice cream parlor/convenience store chain we have in these parts called United Dairy Farmers.

 

I said I would meet her up there. She drove over and I walked, still maintaining my own sense of dignity. I wasn't about to accept a ride across the street from her at this point.

 

Isn't it amazing how we go from panic to this when the tides turn? I was suddenly empowered but I was not mean or cruel. I never pointed fingers or said one nasty thing. I just made it clear that since she wanted the break, she needed to take it until she was sure she wanted it to end. 3 days isn't enough time to be so sure so I had to insist we keep these new boundaries intact.

 

After talking over drinks (I gave in and bought her a Mountain Dew to have with me) we agreed that we loved each other very much and that we wanted to work things out. I was insistent that it be in the right way though and that we see changes we need to see and seek counseling beforehand. She agreed. I hope she sticks to it but I am not sure she will. When the next emotional down hits for her, she could go back to not speaking to me for days. She could have even stood me up for the doctor tomorrow, causing me to lose my job. That's why I said that come hell or high water I was taking the bus or walking. That way, the only person I had to rely on to get me there was me. It's the only way I can do things at this point, especially after what has gone on in the past few days.

 

So now panic is being replaced with other feelings that I am constantly telling myself that, just like the panic, have to be controlled and I have to let myself think and grow.

 

The reconciliation I hoped for will most likely happen. I don't know when but I am going to make sure it is on my own terms.

 

I have not begged or pleaded once since I vowed not to and have asked for nothing. I have even refused offers of generosity.

 

It feels good, like I am doing the right thing here. She even offered to follow me home for a few but I knew what that can lead to and I don't want to sleep with a wife that does not want to live with me, so I said no to that as well. She asked if she could get her snow boots. I took them down to her as she waited and then she drove away.

 

That's pretty much it. Any thoughts.

 

P.S. I have read everyone's input and thank you for it. I will try to use what is applicable when I can.

[mimidarlin]

Pastxmas,

Stay strong. Your writing reflects the confidence you feel in taking control of your situation. I know you hope for a reconciliation, as do I, but you must wait until it is in the "right" way.

 

You will probably backslide as we all seem to but keep coming back LS. It helps....it really does.