Eeyore79 Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 I recently started dating this guy who is tall and cute, sweet and kind, and really smart and well read. He brought me flowers and was generally extremely nice to me. He told me he used to be a manager, but he was "between jobs" at present. So I thought ok, I guess I'll date him and give him a chance to sort his employment situation out. Time passes. I then find out that he quit his job because of a disagreement with his boss, and he couldn't get another job. Apparently he left school at sixteen and is severely lacking in education, despite being naturally bright; he worked for the same company for over a decade and worked his way up into a management role, but while he has experience he has no qualifications. He's spent the last six months making ends meet by working in a warehouse, and now he's unemployed. I try to encourage him to consider getting some education or reconsider his career options, but he is resistant to the idea. It turns out he suffers from social anxiety, so not only is he not particularly sociable, he also suffers from anxiety when required to do simple things like going to the job centre or calling to pay his gas bill. He isn't keen to immerse himself in new social situations like a university or a scary new career. This is obviously why he stayed with the same company from his teens until his thirties. I decide to leave it and give him a chance to sort himself out. Time passes. He stands me up for a date and claims that he feels pressured about not being good enough for me, so he is suffering all this anxiety and couldn't face coming to see me. It appears that his lack of education and career are resulting in feelings of inadequacy and inability to cope when faced with the prospect of a serious relationship and the accompanying financial pressures. He has a history of depression and social anxiety which seems to continually hinder every aspect of his life. We talk it through and he eventually comes to see me, and everything seems fine. I discuss the situation with my mother, who immediately insists that I should get rid of him because we can't possibly have a productive life together. According to her: he has no education or career plus he's unemployed, so we can't finance a normal lifestyle; he suffers from depression and anxiety, so we would struggle to have a normal social life and I would have to deal with everything; and his problems are ongoing so he isn't about to suddenly pick himself up and get a degree or something. There is a twist: I have personally suffered from depression due to ongoing pressure at university and work, and I'm only now starting to get on top of it. This guy understands my problems and is genuinely trying to support and help me, which is something nobody else has done. But my mother feels that his own issues will just worsen mine, and once my university time is over and I've recovered from my depression there will still be ongoing issues with his problems. She suggests I should break up with him and date someone "normal"; someone who is educated and in employment, and who doesn't have ongoing issues with anxiety and depression. I remain unconvinced: he's a nice, attractive guy who genuinely cares for me, he's smart and funny and I really like him, but I can see the point about his career status and social anxiety being ongoing issues which may negatively affect my life in the longer term. So... what do I do?
DiscoChick Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 Listen to your mother. I mean, not that crap about him not having a good job or whatever, but he may still be trying to figure himself out. You are having doubts, so don't do it.
Author Eeyore79 Posted January 27, 2010 Author Posted January 27, 2010 I don't mind him being unemployed or "between jobs" at present, but I do mind if it becomes an ongoing problem due to his lack of education and inability to deal with social situations, which would prevent him from sorting out a new job or studying at university if he wants to do that. It appears to be a couple of years since he quit his job and ended up doing warehouse work to make ends meet, and in that time he has suffered severe depression and anxiety, and hasn't done anything constructive like finding a new job or starting a course of education. Whether things will improve now he's dating me remains to be seen... he seemed to be doing ok until this episode where he stood me up. Apart from the employment situation, I am also a little concerned about how his social anxiety might affect our lives in general. I insisted he had to get his eyes tested because he needs glasses, and he stressed about calling the optician for over a month before he finally did it. Then extrapolate this to all the little things you have to do on a daily basis... I am still debating how much of an issue this might turn out to be. The problem is that I really like him, and he's been incredibly supportive about my problems, although they are mostly temporary issues induced by work stress and burnout. He's a really great guy apart from these issues, and there aren't too many of those about. He's 35 and is definitely serious about settling down and having a relationship and a family, has no significant baggage like exes or kids (which is difficult to find in a 30-something year old man), and is attractive and funny and kind and sweet... Perhaps he just needs some support with sorting himself out... or perhaps my mother is right and I ought not to get involved... I don't know
DiscoChick Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 I would say let go of him now before you fall really hard. Men rarely change. Just get out of the relationship but try and remain friends. I agree with that buried idea I see in your message. Good, supportive friends are hard to come by, but you don't have to settle for him just to keep him as a friend.
torranceshipman Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 I totaly agree with your mothr. Nothing against your boyfriend but yes, I do think he'll make your depression worse in the long run and it doesnt sound like there would be any enjoyable times ahead for you if you consider something long term with him. He sounds like very very hard work and I think he will drag you down.
Author Eeyore79 Posted January 27, 2010 Author Posted January 27, 2010 He sounds like very very hard work and I think he will drag you down. Someone could equally make a similar comment about me, because I've suffered from depression due to work stress and burnout, and I'm still struggling with it to some extent. I'd like to think that someone who loved me would support me and love me as an individual, not ditch me and date some other random girl who doesn't happen to have experienced depression. I really care for him as an individual, and he clearly needs my love and support. Having said that, my depression is highly situational due to my work and current pressures... his seems to be ongoing and his social anxiety and career problems in particular are a little worrying when it comes to having a normal life in the long term. To say I'm confused about what to do would be an understatement
confusedmuch Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 Someone could equally make a similar comment about me, because I've suffered from depression due to work stress and burnout, and I'm still struggling with it to some extent. I'd like to think that someone who loved me would support me and love me as an individual, not ditch me and date some other random girl who doesn't happen to have experienced depression. I really care for him as an individual, and he clearly needs my love and support. Having said that, my depression is highly situational due to my work and current pressures... his seems to be ongoing and his social anxiety and career problems in particular are a little worrying when it comes to having a normal life in the long term. To say I'm confused about what to do would be an understatement Since you've already had two people agree with your mother and you've disagreed (if only in part) with both people's advice, I'm guessing you're not looking for anyone's honest opinion but just want to hear that it is possible to have a successful relationship with this guy. Am I right? So this is something you need to figure out for yourself. Are you willing to be the backbone of your relationship financially? Are you willing to deal with all the things that he won't do because of his constant anxiety? What about kids? What about when they do something bad? Is he going to go hide away at work or wherever his happy place is until you make everything all better? Decide for yourself where you want this to go.
Crazy Magnet Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 Yes, his issues might not seem big right now, but you have to think farther down the road. If nothing changes (as it seems it won't, he is NOT pursuing a further education, he is NOT seeking employment, he may or may not be actively treating his anxiety and depression....they have pills and therapy for that and there is no excuse for him to not be doing something) will you be happy with the same exact situation in 10 years?? 20 years? 30 years? What kind of life will you be able to provide for your future children? What life do you envision for yourself? Can this guy provide the things that you envision in your life? Are you prepared to always be the breadwinner? Or did you expect to stay at home? Are you ok if he stays home instead? Social anxiety can lead to isolation, as an individual and a couple? Are you ok with that? Do you think any future children would suffer? I don't know the answers, but they are food for thought. Mostly though, listen to you Mom.
Green Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 Listen to yourself. Look you will loose all attraction for this guy if he just gives up on life anyways. If he starts getting his act togather and moving in a posotive direction that is your only chance. My verdict is you wouldn't even care what your mom was saying if you weren't already thinking it. I would leave a person like this if I had just begun dating them.
Zeegagge Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 I was talking to a good friend of mine recently and she mentioned that women have this inherent desire to help people and care for them when they are in a bad situation. A very motherly instinct and only natural. She then went on to say that that is what her now ended marriage was like and that it gets old really really quickly. Food for thought.
DiscoChick Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 I was talking to a good friend of mine recently and she mentioned that women have this inherent desire to help people and care for them when they are in a bad situation. A very motherly instinct and only natural. She then went on to say that that is what her now ended marriage was like and that it gets old really really quickly. Food for thought. That is so true. I always feel like hugging people that look sad. There's this one poster that is always down...Open[something] and I always offer him hugs. Hugs make me feel better, so I figure other people would enjoy them. :confused:I suppose not. Anyway, I have just recently developed this "motherly" instinct.
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