SO and his leather jacket

[bethykins]

My live-in boyfriend is currently fuming about having to take his leather jacket to a cleaner, because my daughter (his "step" daughter) got paint on it last night that dried and had glitter in it. I understand that he is frustrated, since it will cost money to have it fixed, but he literally flipped out, and is now talking about breaking up with me, despite the fact that we've been together for 5 years and have a son together. I just can't even understand what is wrong with him and why he is making this a problem between us. I'm like WTF?? When did this become an issue with US?

 

I understand he places a ridiculous amount of value on his material possessions. He grew up in poverty, homeless shelters with his mother, and was abused and eventually abandoned. He stole things as a kid and teenager because he didn't know how else to get what he wanted. Eventually it got him into trouble as a juvenile. Obviously he has grown up since then, but it's a common theme since I've known him that his things almost seem more important to him than his own loved ones. I don't know.

 

I'd contemplate leaving him, but I have no where to go. I work a crappy job in retail for which I get if I'm lucky 15 hours a week. I'm looking for a better job since this is clearly not enough, but the economy is so bad over here that I'd be lucky to get a job that pays more than minimum wage. I'm currently going to school and have a 2 year degree under my belt and going for a BA in Criminal Justice. I'm trying to get into an internship at the Community Justice center. If I leave, I would have to literally leave all of this behind because I'd have to move in with my dad or grandmother 75 miles away with two children.

 

I'm at a loss. I love him, but I feel he was totally out of line for threatening to break up just because of a freaking jacket.

[Ronni_W]

I'm at a loss. I love him, but I feel he was totally out of line for threatening to break up just because of a freaking jacket.

Well, it's probably more about how the incident with his leather jacket made him feel, right? Or even, how your reaction made him feel.

And it could be that this just brought to a boil what has been simmering for a long time.

 

It doesn't sound as if he got any empathy from you. Did he at least get an apology from your daughter? Is she old enough to have known what she was misbehaving? Does it happen often that other household members are careless with his stuff? Did you offer to pay the cleaning bill? Did she get an age-appropriate consequence for damaging his jacket?

 

Has your boyfriend been feeling loved, appreciated, respected, admired? If not, then something like this could become the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back. (Because that's how we humans are...not that his reaction was necessarily sane or rational.)

 

When he calms down, you might want to have a conversation about it. On it's own, yes, his reaction was over the top...but it might just be that there are underlying attitudes, perceptions and "negative" emotions that need to be addressed.

 

Hugs and good luck -- I hope you two will be able to come out stronger.

[Star Gazer]

Well, it's probably more about how the incident with his leather jacket made him feel, right? Or even, how your reaction made him feel.And it could be that this just brought to a boil what has been simmering for a long time.

 

It doesn't sound as if he got any empathy from you. Did he at least get an apology from your daughter? Is she old enough to have known what she was misbehaving? Does it happen often that other household members are careless with his stuff? Did you offer to pay the cleaning bill? Did she get an age-appropriate consequence for damaging his jacket?

 

Has your boyfriend been feeling loved, appreciated, respected, admired? If not, then something like this could become the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back. (Because that's how we humans are...not that his reaction was necessarily sane or rational.)

 

When he calms down, you might want to have a conversation about it. On it's own, yes, his reaction was over the top...but it might just be that there are underlying attitudes, perceptions and "negative" emotions that need to be addressed.

 

Hugs and good luck -- I hope you two will be able to come out stronger.

 

I was going to say almost everything Ronni said above, but figured I'd save my fingers and just echo the comments I bolded above.

 

When someone flips out over an issue that in and of itself isn't a big deal, there's almost always some larger underlying issues. One ex of mine flipped out over flip flops...

[bethykins]

Well, it's probably more about how the incident with his leather jacket made him feel, right? Or even, how your reaction made him feel.

And it could be that this just brought to a boil what has been simmering for a long time.

 

It doesn't sound as if he got any empathy from you. Did he at least get an apology from your daughter? Is she old enough to have known what she was misbehaving? Does it happen often that other household members are careless with his stuff? Did you offer to pay the cleaning bill? Did she get an age-appropriate consequence for damaging his jacket?

 

Has your boyfriend been feeling loved, appreciated, respected, admired? If not, then something like this could become the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back. (Because that's how we humans are...not that his reaction was necessarily sane or rational.)

 

When he calms down, you might want to have a conversation about it. On it's own, yes, his reaction was over the top...but it might just be that there are underlying attitudes, perceptions and "negative" emotions that need to be addressed.

 

Hugs and good luck -- I hope you two will be able to come out stronger.

 

My reaction was probably a little on the passive side, because he has a tendency to freak out about trivial things. As I stated before, he sometimes places an unrealistic amount of signficance on his possessions, and I feel that this has a lot to do with being homeless and hardly ever having anything as a child. I suggested that he have her work the cost off by doing chores that he sees fit (she's 9) but in a way I feel like he is trying to make it out like she purposely got it on his jacket. I know it was unintentional as she was playing with a toy and was not really thinking about the fact that it sprayed paint everywhere. But then I naturally seem to defend her because since she's not his actual child and stepped in when she was 4, I feel like he's unaffectionate and harsh at times.

[e.clipse]

But then I naturally seem to defend her because since she's not his actual child and stepped in when she was 4, I feel like he's unaffectionate and harsh at times.

 

do you think he is always un-affectionate and harsh towards your daughter, regardless? or do you think that he is un-affectionate and harsh towards her now that he is upset with her?

 

if he is always un-affectionate and harsh towards her, why would you tolerate that?

 

however, it seems to me that you are defending her actions, which is understandable, since you are her mother. the problem is, i think, that you are defending her too much. even in both of your posts in this thread, you are very dismissive of what she did. granted, alone, the incident is not a big deal, i don't think, but definitely one that she should be "punished" for.

 

whether she did it on purpose or not makes no difference--she is 9 and should be more careful with her toys and how she plays. it's not as though sincere accidents don't happen, but if they are always treated with such passiveness, then children figure they need no be careful with their actions.

 

she should have definitely apologized and have been "punished" in some way, and you should have paid the dry cleaning bill.

 

but, as Ronni and Star said, this is more than likely not really about the jacket, though quite possibly something that could have been avoided altogether, had you taken a more unbiased approach.

 

have you talked to him about it? what has he said?