WHYMELOL Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 Hi everyone, first of all, Im a new guy here. Im reaching out for some more advice. I have a great support system, lots of friends and big family. However, I figured it cant hurt to get more. Here's the story, I'll try not to be too long winded. - met in 2003 - married 2005 - boy born 2006 - twins born early 2009 So my W and I don’t get a long at all. The problems were there for a long time and me being a “glass half full” type of guy always thought things would get better. She has no support system, doesn’t talk to her older sister, hasn’t talked to her mother since April 09 and doesn’t really communicate with her father at all (ie couple times a year). Her parents are divorced. I’m trying to type this without sounding like im bashing her, but here are some MAJOR issues concerns I have for my happiness: - She doesn’t communicate with me. - She is in charge of paying bills, but gets flat out furious when I demand to know why the credit bureau keeps calling our house for her. It’s obvious her credit ratings is terrible by now - Won’t let me take care of the bills, and causes fights when I want to even check the mail. It’s always likes she’s hiding something. - After first boy was born, she demanded that she wanted to start trying for a second baby. I wanted to hold off until her and I got along better. She said that trying for another would make her happy as that’s all she wants. - Summer 2009 started going out to clubs with her friends and neighbors, meaning im at home with the three kids. - I found part of a conversation on my computer between her and a 25 year old guy on my street. She was saying things like “sorry for last night/I miss talking and hanging out with you/Im still leaving my husband” - One morning I woke up to baby crying at 5am Sunday morning. Found her over at another single neighbours giving him a back massage on his couch!!! - I catch her lying about small details which there would never be a reason to lie about. Ie, telling someone that she;s having salad for dinner but really eating chicken and French fries..lol - This is just some of the quick details. But as I type this, im thinking OMG! There should be no question. Another big issue is the twins. I find it a very suspicious situation which is leading me to certain testing which can be done. However that being said, Im not perfect either, however, I never lie, never cheat and only want whats best for the family and money situation. Ie my goal has always to have all bills paid in full and have good credit etc. The worst thing is I drink probably more beer than the normal person. But she only holds that against me when we fight. Other times, she’ll say “why don’t you have some beer, your only nice to me then”. My questions are: - Does it matter who makes the decision to separate? I tried talking to her about the idea stating it might be better for the kids, but she only replies with “you make your decision and I’ll make mine!”….this makes no sense to me at all. Its like trying to talk to a brick wall. - About the kids, she currently works part time and makes decent money and can easily go full time. I also make decent money, but totally disagree with the amount the child support tables say I should pay per month. 1500$ it totally unacceptable to me. Especially since we would probably agree to share custody evenly. - Will her bad credit have any impact on me and my good credit? What a terrible situation. I find myself blaming myself for not getting out earlier, but I just kept thinking things would get better.
2sure Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 The child support tables dictated by the courts in your state are not negotiable. They are the minimum support due. If you are disabled or otherwise receiving assistance this may be considered a hardship and you will pay less , however the percentage of your income paid to CS will probably remain the same. And I almost hate to tell you this but...the CS you will owe does not include day care costs, out of pocket medical expenses, health insurance, etc. Thats over and above CS and usually split with a percentage depending on who earns more money. If you share custody 50/50 and no less, meaning neither one of you can be considered the primary care taker and neither of your homes the primary residence of the children...you may not have to pay the CS portion or only have to pay enough CS to your wife to make up the difference in your incomes regarding only the child rearing expenses. So, definitely go for that. You might also need to consider this and prepare for this on your end while dealing with your soon to be ex: The courts are not inclined to split custody 50/50 with parents who are not amicable.
Author WHYMELOL Posted January 27, 2010 Author Posted January 27, 2010 Thanks for the details. Im hoping to do the amicable route with her, but who knows what she is capable of. I think/hoping I can sit down with her and agree to separate based on terms and conditions we agree on together, ie without lawyers etc. I need to make her realize this is the smarter way to go for both of us. ps -im located in ontario canada. not sure if that makes any diff or not.
nobmagnet Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 Are you sure she isnt suffering post natal depression? Some of her actions seem to me that she isnt in the best frame of mind. Have you tried marriage guidance counselling? It seems you both have stopped communicating effectively. It sounds an awful situation you are both in but when 3 children are involved you should make every effort to find a way forward because even if you split up you will always have the children to think of and work together on that. Walking away should never be the first option IMO. Its completely disrespecting your vows and that is wrong when you have babies together. You made them........both of you and you owe it to them to put some damn effort in. I agree her behaviour is appalling but to me you dont sound as supportive as you could be due to your anger and resentment. Just my thoughts Nobby xx
Author WHYMELOL Posted January 27, 2010 Author Posted January 27, 2010 Nobby, you are correct. Her mother and sister both suffer from some serious self esteem issues, and same with her. I have tried to be supportive, and finally got her to come to a councellor with me. I had brought it up several times in the past and she would tell me litterally to stick the idea up my ... Thats being said, even when going to the councellor for the 5 times we did, she wouldnt open up at all. She always has her guard up and pointing the finger at other people. When he asked her what is it that I do that pushes her buttons, she would only reply with "i dunno, everything" and even got frustrated with him. I could stick this out and just keep to myself to avoid fighting, but when theres serious trust issues, and she cant even open up or be honest with me, that doesnt lead towards a loving family with 3 kids. I want my kids to be happy and look forward to seeing all their cousins (14 of them) as a family. But on top of that she never attends family functions (ie thanksgiving) or when she does there is always some kind of issue that she has to create. When she sees two people talking amongst each other, she imediatly gets all anxious, angry and thinks people are talking about her etc. Its sooooo hard to deal with. Im really starting to think the only way I can help ensure these kids lead a fun/happy life knowing whats right and wrong is if we separate. I also think this will make me a much better father. Right now Im on eggshells all the time while at home.
carhill Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 My sympathies OP. You've got a lot on your plate... One resource Personally, given the circumstances, I would not consider separation or divorce without legal representation. I say that as someone who uses lawyers rarely and is divorcing absent paid legal help. IMO, your situation demands it. Too complex and too many opportunities for things to go way wrong. Look into the eyes of your children and know it is worth it
Author WHYMELOL Posted January 27, 2010 Author Posted January 27, 2010 Hey Carhill, thanks for the message. I must say my main concern is not so much the kids at this point, because I know I have a lot of love from family and friends that they will also be surrounded with, but i've seen a lot of horror stories where she runs off with all this cash, and the poor guy in this case is broke. I dont see how its "legal" for me to pay 1500$ for eg to her, only to have her misspend it and not put it towards what it is for. Not only that, jeeese, we dont spend anywhere near that right now for them. Im just confused as to how someone should have to pay sooo much $ when they have custody half the time etc. But, what if,,...and I mean WHAT IF, she and I agree to separate and I pay this for this and she pays that for that along with sharing whatever other expenses came up. Eg, ok boy needs hockey lessons that cost I dont know..$400 a month. she agrees to cover 150 and I agree to cover 250 etc. Can that suffice considering CS if we have it clearly documented, witnessed and signed without judges and lawyers?
carhill Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 Unfortunately, if Canadian law is anything like US law, signing your name on that marriage license created a legal partnership which one of you must sue to break. Judges and court clerks will be involved, at minimum. Everything must meet their test, even if you agree and are amicable. IME, a lawyer can be a great strategist, fleshing out scenarios of compromise as well as adversarial postures and postulating outcomes which best serve the client. Yes, there are bad and greedy lawyers. A good one will come well-referred and be low-key and thorough. In the US, in my state, one can generally consult a lawyer for no cost. A fee, or retainer, applies if retained, but only then. Even back in my father's era, the 1940's, he had legal documents for child support and custody. He had a separate checking account to pay it. It's nothing new. It's part of the process. If you want to separate, there's a process for that. Look on that site I linked to. You indeed may be able to 'work something out' but do so fully aware of the legal ramifications of that choice. Knowledge is power.
SRV Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 Hey Carhill, thanks for the message. I must say my main concern is not so much the kids at this point, because I know I have a lot of love from family and friends that they will also be surrounded with, but i've seen a lot of horror stories where she runs off with all this cash, and the poor guy in this case is broke. I dont see how its "legal" for me to pay 1500$ for eg to her, only to have her misspend it and not put it towards what it is for. Not only that, jeeese, we dont spend anywhere near that right now for them. Im just confused as to how someone should have to pay sooo much $ when they have custody half the time etc. But, what if,,...and I mean WHAT IF, she and I agree to separate and I pay this for this and she pays that for that along with sharing whatever other expenses came up. Eg, ok boy needs hockey lessons that cost I dont know..$400 a month. she agrees to cover 150 and I agree to cover 250 etc. Can that suffice considering CS if we have it clearly documented, witnessed and signed without judges and lawyers? You have no option nor is it negotiable when it comes to child support payments and the amount. Wouldn't you want your kids to have the best? You have to do your part - being their physically, mentally, spiritually and last but not least, financially. As long as the kids have a roof over their head and their needs are taken care of and are in a safe environment, if and when you decide to divorce, who cares what she does.
Mrs. Ambivalent Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 Hi. Just wanted to jump in quickly. IMO your wife is definitely hiding something about the money. Probably debt, or maybe what she's spending money on. You don't need her to run your own credit report. Try a website like annualcreditreport.com to get your once a year free credit report from each bureau. You need to go into this with your eyes wide open so you can see why she's being so secretive and defensive about $ and the mail. People who have nothing to hide hide nothing. And as long as you're married whatever bills you have accumulated (even w/o your knowledge I think) will be both of your responsibilities when you divorce. Good luck!!
Author WHYMELOL Posted January 27, 2010 Author Posted January 27, 2010 yes thats what I think too. I'm gonna run a credit check on myself soon for sure. She has to be hiding something. This poses a problem in itself when it goes on for so long. Makes me become more and more paranoid that things are going on....then only to find emails with one guy on the street, then the backrub thing at 5am on another month with a different guy on the street, only to get mad at me when I raise issue with her behavior. She's doing that for obvious reasons, trying to justify her own dumb actions etc. To me her actions should almost be considered cheating.
2.50 a gallon Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 It sounds as if you are about to go to war. First thing Cover Your A$$, begin a journal and document everything. Somehow get to the credit card bills, and photo copy, samething with the phone bill. You might be able to check up on some of this on line. Get yourself a small pocket recorder and record every conversation with her. Here in the states one the ploys is for the wife to run off and see a lawyer, she returns home, at her lawyers instigation, starts an argument, calls the cops and says he hit me. Bingo you are out of the house and in jail, and served with an order of protection and cannot see the kids. And while you are out she moves the OM in. Do not move out of the house. I repeat, Do not move out of the house. Here in the states it is called abandonment, she already holds the upper hand with the custody of the kids and this gives her more power. CYA, or you could end up not being able to see the kids, paying her bills, paying for the house while she moves in her new boy friend This is serious sh*t
silic0ntoad Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 This thread simply reminds me why I've chosen to never get married. Sorry bro. All the advice above. Listen to it.
Author WHYMELOL Posted January 27, 2010 Author Posted January 27, 2010 This thread simply reminds me why I've chosen to never get married. Sorry bro. All the advice above. Listen to it. Well you know the old saying...hindsight is 20/20.
alphamale Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 , but I just kept thinking things would get better. things either keep getting better or keep getting worse
sunrae Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 Have you gone and spoken with an attorney or lawyer yet, to see what your options are? Also, I would go ahead and set up another bank account in your name only and start saving money in that account little at a time, so atleast you will have something to fall back on, if she has already spent all your money.
Recommended Posts