MARINE_ONE Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 Well, about 3.5 weeks ago I found out that my wife no longer is "in love" with me. I have been very confused about the whole thing, because I never saw any of this coming. The day she told me this, she also posted on my facebook: "I love you sexy. Have a great day at work.". Anyway since she told me this we have signed divorce papers and the divorce will be final on February 19th. This will end a 12 year marriage that includes 4 children. Recently I have discovered she has re-connected with a boyfriend from when she was 13 years old. (thats right a junior high relationship ) This guy has been married roughly 10 years and has two kids of his own. I found out she started talking to him two days before Christmas, and now she is trying to break up his family also.(granted I know he is doing a pretty good job of this on his own) She has told my oldest daughter that he is going to get a divorce for her. :confused: I am not sure I really believe this, since I did confront him by phone and even heard his wife talking as well. I really don't understand why a guy would leave his wife and two children for a woman(who is bipolar and who has 4 children). My gut feeling is that he is telling my wife that he will so he can get some on the side for awhile. For his sake I hope he never meets me, cuz I will have to give him a little present from my kids. Or, maybe he really doesn't love his wife anymore, like mine no longer loves me. The two hardest things for me is that I didn't see this coming and it is really hard on our kids. My oldest turns 16 this summer and she is sooo mad at her mom.(not that I blame her) I have no idea why my wife is doing this. I thought she was the love of my life. I don't know if it's her illness or if she is going through early menopause because of no longer having her uterus or what. In the end, I know I will never be with her again. I would never let her back in my life like that, because I could not ever trust her again. I would be afraid she would do this to me and the kids again. Plus, I am just not sure I could ever forgive her. Am I wrong to feel this way? I am really starting to hate her. Also, I always thought I would not be mad at another guy for sleeping with my wife if he had the chance, but I find myself pissed at him, because he knows she is bipolar, he knows she has kids, he has kids and a wife. This guy is scum!! (Granted she is too for that matter.) Especially if he is helping to break up a family when he has no intention of being with her. I hope he does though so I have a chance to give him that present and I can stop paying alimony to the unfaithful wench. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated!! Thanks for listening or reading!
WifeCheatedOnMe Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 Sorry for what you are going through. Many of us here are in your same shoes in some form or fashion. You have to decide what you want to do. Divorce or rebuild your marriage? It may not be a decision that you can or should make today or in the coming weeks. There are many instances where the BS (betrayed spouse) rushes into a divorce only to regret later not trying to save their marriage. When I discovered my wife's A, I made the decision to rebuild. Since that time, my emotions have run the gamut and I've waffled between D and R. For now, I continue on a path of R. Many experts recommend waiting a few months to make a final decision. Your emotions are high right now as well they should be. But remember....This woman right now is not your wife. She is in a fog, an alien possession so to speak. She will say and do things that are absolutely out of her character and they will hurt you. You won't be able to reason with her, bully her or give her ultimatums. What you can do is be the best husband/father/man you can for yourself, for your kids, and yes for your wife. If you want to rebuild your marriage, then the first thing that must happen is expose. Call her parents, her siblings her boss, the other man, the other man's wife, his parents, his friends....Anyone you can think of that will put pressure on your wife to end the A. She will be furioius, threaten divorce, say she was going to come back to you, but not now, yada yada. It's the same script that EVERY WS (wandering spouse) spews. It is so predictable. The exposing will make it uncomfortable for your W and the OM (other man) and bring their fantasy world crashing down around their ears. After exposing, you initiate Plan A. Head over to marriage builder's dot com and read, read, read. Read about Plan A and Plan B. Much of what you will read will be entirely counter intuitive to what you think you should do, but the stuff really works. That is if you want to save your M. If you don't want to go through the work, then go for plan D. That's divorce. But understand as a father, you are behind the eightball when it comes to your children and custody. Even tho your wife cheated and abandoned the family so to speak, most courts do not take that into account when deciding custody issues. So start to prepare yourself for out and out war. Document everything. Keep a journal and record every time your wife is away from the house. DO NOT MOVE out of your own home. She cheated, she moves. Snoop, snoop and do more snooping to find out the extent of the affair. Good Luck
Culthbert Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 Hello, Marine One, I am sorry to hear about your situation - I know it is painful for you and for your kids. What has happened here is that your wife has been having an "Emotional Affair" with this ex-boyfriend. Depending on the circumstances, it may have become a Physical Affair, but I wasn't clear from your post how far she had gone. In your wife's case, it appears she very quickly "fell in love" with this person. This initial "falling in love" feeling can be very heady, and neurochemicals are involved that make it very difficult for the affected person to resist. This can happen to anyone, bipolar or not, although being bipolar probably doesn't help. Women are, I believe, wired to love one person at a time. This infatuation for the Other Man (OM) likely crowded out the feelings she had for you, which is why she appeared to turn on you so quickly. Tell me... what do you want? This divorce seems to have proceeded very, very quickly - in some states it can take a year or more to divorce. It is possible to win back an unfaithful spouse and recover a marriage - although it can be a very emotionally draining process. However, divorce is also a very emotionally draining process, and you have four children involved. This affair seems to have started so suddenly that it probably wouldn't last very long and I'd think there would be a fairly decent chance your wife could fall back in love with you, and there are things you can do to help end the affair more quickly. So think about this for a bit - if you could work toward winning your wife back (knowing there are no guarantees), and if you could commit to forgive her (recognizing that this kind of forgiveness will be something you'll have to work on) - would you be willing to do so? And consider your kids in the equation. If you don't think you could do this, and you don't think you could eventually forgive her, that is entirely your decision. She broke the marriage vows, and you have every right to walk away... if that's what you really want. But it is your marriage, too - and you also get to have a say in how (or if) it will end. I don't know if you are at all religious, but I'd recommend seeing the movie "Fireproof". I'm not particularly religious myself, and the film is directed toward Christians, but even so I found it to be a very powerful story of a husband who refused to give up his marriage without a fight. Think about it... and realize that you have choices here, you do not simply have to react to what she is doing or to what she says she wants. Decide what YOU want, and make your choices accordingly. All the best... (BTW, I assume from your screen name that you are a Marine? I am a former Marine rifleman myself, so if you are also a jarhead, Semper Fi.)
Church Bells Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 Sorry for what you are going through. Many of us here are in your same shoes in some form or fashion. You have to decide what you want to do. Divorce or rebuild your marriage? It may not be a decision that you can or should make today or in the coming weeks. There are many instances where the BS (betrayed spouse) rushes into a divorce only to regret later not trying to save their marriage. When I discovered my wife's A, I made the decision to rebuild. Since that time, my emotions have run the gamut and I've waffled between D and R. For now, I continue on a path of R. Many experts recommend waiting a few months to make a final decision. Your emotions are high right now as well they should be. But remember....This woman right now is not your wife. She is in a fog, an alien possession so to speak. She will say and do things that are absolutely out of her character and they will hurt you. You won't be able to reason with her, bully her or give her ultimatums. What you can do is be the best husband/father/man you can for yourself, for your kids, and yes for your wife. If you want to rebuild your marriage, then the first thing that must happen is expose. Call her parents, her siblings her boss, the other man, the other man's wife, his parents, his friends....Anyone you can think of that will put pressure on your wife to end the A. She will be furioius, threaten divorce, say she was going to come back to you, but not now, yada yada. It's the same script that EVERY WS (wandering spouse) spews. It is so predictable. The exposing will make it uncomfortable for your W and the OM (other man) and bring their fantasy world crashing down around their ears. After exposing, you initiate Plan A. Head over to marriage builder's dot com and read, read, read. Read about Plan A and Plan B. Much of what you will read will be entirely counter intuitive to what you think you should do, but the stuff really works. That is if you want to save your M. If you don't want to go through the work, then go for plan D. That's divorce. But understand as a father, you are behind the eightball when it comes to your children and custody. Even tho your wife cheated and abandoned the family so to speak, most courts do not take that into account when deciding custody issues. So start to prepare yourself for out and out war. Document everything. Keep a journal and record every time your wife is away from the house. DO NOT MOVE out of your own home. She cheated, she moves. Snoop, snoop and do more snooping to find out the extent of the affair. Good Luck Well ... it didn't take long for you to drink a whole pitcher of the MB kool-aid did it? MB is about SELLING books, tapes, counselling services, weekend getaways, etc. It is a very good program for STOPPING a WW's A, but it is WORTHLESS at the recovery side of things. Also, MB does not factor in personality types, and does quite a bit of harm to STRONG BH's, who are willing to stand up for themselves ... and MARINE_ONE comes across as a proactive, assertive BH. When it comes to BH/WW scenarios ... Plan A is for PU$$IES!!! A strong, decisive, assertive BH will do a much better job by following their own instincts, while incorporating the indifference of the 180. Sorry for the rant ... but when dealing with a WW's infidelity ... MB is the most overrated and underdelivering program out there. Many of us BH's have had to live the "ACTIONS vs. WORDS" aspect of our WW's behavior, which in not really any different from MB's "CLAIMS vs. RESULTS", and from my experience MB's RESULTS pale in comparison to their CLAIMS. MB is for those BH's who are too weak, indecisive and fearful of their WW to take any action ... MARINE_ONE CLEARLY isn't this personality type.
WifeCheatedOnMe Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 Well ... it didn't take long for you to drink a whole pitcher of the MB kool-aid did it? MB is about SELLING books, tapes, counselling services, weekend getaways, etc. It is a very good program for STOPPING a WW's A, but it is WORTHLESS at the recovery side of things. Also, MB does not factor in personality types, and does quite a bit of harm to STRONG BH's, who are willing to stand up for themselves ... and MARINE_ONE comes across as a proactive, assertive BH. When it comes to BH/WW scenarios ... Plan A is for PU$$IES!!! A strong, decisive, assertive BH will do a much better job by following their own instincts, while incorporating the indifference of the 180. Sorry for the rant ... but when dealing with a WW's infidelity ... MB is the most overrated and underdelivering program out there. Many of us BH's have had to live the "ACTIONS vs. WORDS" aspect of our WW's behavior, which in not really any different from MB's "CLAIMS vs. RESULTS", and from my experience MB's RESULTS pale in comparison to their CLAIMS. MB is for those BH's who are too weak, indecisive and fearful of their WW to take any action ... MARINE_ONE CLEARLY isn't this personality type. It's quite clear where your judgements lie from most of your previous posts....To whit: "I'm one who has come to believe that, in the overwhelming majority of cases, the PROPER response to a WW's A is an immediate D." I'm glad that works for you, but many wish to reconcile/rebuild their marriage. No need to impose your own hurt and subsequent decisions onto the OP by discounting alternative programs. If you read through my own thread, I kicked my wife out, so I didn't follow MB to a tee either, but I did find many useful tactics on their website for helping to reconcile if that's the choice.
Church Bells Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 WCOM, If you've found something of value at MB, then good for you, but the point I was making is that MB is directed toward a BH with your personality type, but is worthless for someone like MARINE_ONE. As I stated, MB will help a BH stop his WW's A, but it does little to nothing to assist in recovering a broken M. Sure they make the CLAIMS, and you will have a few of the "veteran" "cult" members saying "amen", but the actual RESULTS will never live up to their CLAIMS. You are relatively new there ... just read a few of the other BH cases and see how many of them actually "recover" from their WW's A. In fact, look at how many actually wind up WORSE than if they had proceeded directly to Plan D and took advantage of their WW's so called "fog" to obtain a much better property settlement and custody situation.
OFGnomore Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 WCOM, If you've found something of value at MB, then good for you, but the point I was making is that MB is directed toward a BH with your personality type, but is worthless for someone like MARINE_ONE. As I stated, MB will help a BH stop his WW's A, but it does little to nothing to assist in recovering a broken M. Sure they make the CLAIMS, and you will have a few of the "veteran" "cult" members saying "amen", but the actual RESULTS will never live up to their CLAIMS. You are relatively new there ... just read a few of the other BH cases and see how many of them actually "recover" from their WW's A. In fact, look at how many actually wind up WORSE than if they had proceeded directly to Plan D and took advantage of their WW's so called "fog" to obtain a much better property settlement and custody situation. So what you're saying is MB is better for BWs not BHs?
Author MARINE_ONE Posted January 27, 2010 Author Posted January 27, 2010 Sorry for what you are going through. Many of us here are in your same shoes in some form or fashion. You have to decide what you want to do. Divorce or rebuild your marriage? It may not be a decision that you can or should make today or in the coming weeks. There are many instances where the BS (betrayed spouse) rushes into a divorce only to regret later not trying to save their marriage. When I discovered my wife's A, I made the decision to rebuild. Since that time, my emotions have run the gamut and I've waffled between D and R. For now, I continue on a path of R. Many experts recommend waiting a few months to make a final decision. Your emotions are high right now as well they should be. But remember....This woman right now is not your wife. She is in a fog, an alien possession so to speak. She will say and do things that are absolutely out of her character and they will hurt you. You won't be able to reason with her, bully her or give her ultimatums. What you can do is be the best husband/father/man you can for yourself, for your kids, and yes for your wife. If you want to rebuild your marriage, then the first thing that must happen is expose. Call her parents, her siblings her boss, the other man, the other man's wife, his parents, his friends....Anyone you can think of that will put pressure on your wife to end the A. She will be furioius, threaten divorce, say she was going to come back to you, but not now, yada yada. It's the same script that EVERY WS (wandering spouse) spews. It is so predictable. The exposing will make it uncomfortable for your W and the OM (other man) and bring their fantasy world crashing down around their ears. After exposing, you initiate Plan A. Head over to marriage builder's dot com and read, read, read. Read about Plan A and Plan B. Much of what you will read will be entirely counter intuitive to what you think you should do, but the stuff really works. That is if you want to save your M. If you don't want to go through the work, then go for plan D. That's divorce. But understand as a father, you are behind the eightball when it comes to your children and custody. Even tho your wife cheated and abandoned the family so to speak, most courts do not take that into account when deciding custody issues. So start to prepare yourself for out and out war. Document everything. Keep a journal and record every time your wife is away from the house. DO NOT MOVE out of your own home. She cheated, she moves. Snoop, snoop and do more snooping to find out the extent of the affair. Good Luck Yeah, I wanted to try to rebuild. My wife refused to go to a counselor or try in any way. She wants a divorce, so I am giving it to her. I think she will regret her decision later. I married her when she was 19 and already had 3 kids by two different fathers. I was 26. We had another child together. Now she is just throwing me away like yesterdays trash. That is why I have made the decision to not ever take her back. I love her still and always will. We both made mistakes during our marriage (like everyone does), but for whatever reason she has given up working on building our life together. So now my life will consist of me and my kids.
Author MARINE_ONE Posted January 27, 2010 Author Posted January 27, 2010 Hello, Marine One, I am sorry to hear about your situation - I know it is painful for you and for your kids. What has happened here is that your wife has been having an "Emotional Affair" with this ex-boyfriend. Depending on the circumstances, it may have become a Physical Affair, but I wasn't clear from your post how far she had gone. In your wife's case, it appears she very quickly "fell in love" with this person. This initial "falling in love" feeling can be very heady, and neurochemicals are involved that make it very difficult for the affected person to resist. This can happen to anyone, bipolar or not, although being bipolar probably doesn't help. Women are, I believe, wired to love one person at a time. This infatuation for the Other Man (OM) likely crowded out the feelings she had for you, which is why she appeared to turn on you so quickly. Tell me... what do you want? This divorce seems to have proceeded very, very quickly - in some states it can take a year or more to divorce. It is possible to win back an unfaithful spouse and recover a marriage - although it can be a very emotionally draining process. However, divorce is also a very emotionally draining process, and you have four children involved. This affair seems to have started so suddenly that it probably wouldn't last very long and I'd think there would be a fairly decent chance your wife could fall back in love with you, and there are things you can do to help end the affair more quickly. So think about this for a bit - if you could work toward winning your wife back (knowing there are no guarantees), and if you could commit to forgive her (recognizing that this kind of forgiveness will be something you'll have to work on) - would you be willing to do so? And consider your kids in the equation. If you don't think you could do this, and you don't think you could eventually forgive her, that is entirely your decision. She broke the marriage vows, and you have every right to walk away... if that's what you really want. But it is your marriage, too - and you also get to have a say in how (or if) it will end. I don't know if you are at all religious, but I'd recommend seeing the movie "Fireproof". I'm not particularly religious myself, and the film is directed toward Christians, but even so I found it to be a very powerful story of a husband who refused to give up his marriage without a fight. Think about it... and realize that you have choices here, you do not simply have to react to what she is doing or to what she says she wants. Decide what YOU want, and make your choices accordingly. All the best... (BTW, I assume from your screen name that you are a Marine? I am a former Marine rifleman myself, so if you are also a jarhead, Semper Fi.) Semper Fi to you also. I was a tank crewman out of Lejeune. Like I said I love her immensely and always will. But, there is no way I could ever trust her to not do this again. I can't risk her yo yo'ing me or the kids again. As for her being physical with the OM, I believe she has. I can't confirm though. However, I do know that she left the kids with her mother while she left on a Saturday evening and didn't come back until Sunday at 2:30pm.. She left again at 3pm and didn't return until after the kids went to school on Monday. (She said she was at the lake with a friend, but I have no idea what friend that would be or why you would be at a lake in 40 degree weather) When the kids got home from school on Monday she spent less than an hour with them and then left and didn't come back until the following Saturday. So my gut feeling is that it got physical at some point.
Jeff1962 Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 Semper Fi Devil Dog. Some good advice in this thread. Improvise, Adapt and Overcome. Always Faithful.
Church Bells Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 So what you're saying is MB is better for BWs not BHs? Honestly, since I have no experience as a BW, I never really got interested in reading their stories. I only kept up with the BH/WW situations, and therefore, only commented on that type of recovery. However, for ALL parties, I still view MB's as primarily a "for profit" site that is more focused on SELLING their products and services than actually helping people recover from their spouse's A. All you have to do is look at the posters with the high post counts, and watch how often they "advise" buying the books, setting up counselling sessions with the Harley's, or the really big ticket item of attending a MB weekend. Also, watch when anyone challenges any of the so-called "vets", how quickly they are "moderated", because the "vets" are also the "mods", just posting under another username (Example MelodyLane = Revera, but they change moderator names every now and then when someone catches on). That way they have the hidden power to remove any dissent and redirect the focus of the thread back to the "MB Plans" ... and anyone who figures out their little scheme is sent directly to "banned camp" never to be heard from again.
shivakrishna Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 Just make sure brother that you're the one in control of the situation IF she repents and comes back. Take it from one who knows. Get your financial and legal side in order.
Church Bells Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 MARINE_ONE, I want to apologize for thread/jacking your discussion off on a MB rant, but I wanted to address what I thought was very bad advice, and give you the opposing perspective. FWIW, I commend your decision and determination in the face of these terrible circumstances. As a fellow BH, I know how bad it SUCKS to be dealing with what you are facing. GOOD LUCK to you, Sir.
Culthbert Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 Hello again, Marine One, From what you describe, yes, it has definately gone physical. All that unexplained time... you really don't need to spend time trying to confirm it - it is pretty evident that she was with him. As far as trust goes... if you were to try to reconcile, you would certainly not trust her again right off the bat. That trust would have to be earned back over an extended period of time. (I like to think of Ronald Reagan's quote "trust but verify".) The thing is, Marine, people can change. People make mistakes all the time, but they are capable of learning from those mistakes. You know your wife best, of course. The fact that she had 3 kids with 2 different fathers before you met her is not a good sign - she just may not be marriage material. But she is young - 31? - and immature. There may be something in her that is capable of growth and change. And you were with her for 12 years. The way I see it there are three main barriers to reconciliation: 1) she does not want it now, 2) you would have to learn to trust her again, and 3) you would have to work at forgiving her. Let's leave 3) aside, I don't know if you find it easy or difficult to forgive, and I don't believe forgiveness should be given to someone who is unrepentant anyway, so this would be a long-term consideration. 1) is outside of your control. For the most part. If her affair were to end, she would probably think about coming back, unless she was very unhappy before this. She probably is telling you that she was unhappy, all WW (Wayward Wives) say this, but from what you describe (the Facebook message) it sounds like things were not too bad beforehand. There are ways to accelerate the end of the affair, but for the most part, this is a waiting game. This leaves 2) - the trust issue. And this is a biggie for you. This is where you have to look at your marriage. Was your wife generally trustworthy before the affair? If she was, than it is likely that the affair is causing a sort of "temporary insanity", and that with the affair removed from the picture, she would go back to the kind of person she was before. Again, you wouldn't want to trust her right away, she would have to earn your trust back... but if she was generally honest before the affair, than you can have some confidence that she could learn from this mistake and go back to being honest afterward. If she was sneaky, or dishonest, or told "little white lies" before the affair, than obviously it would be much more of a crap shoot as to whether or not you could ever trust her again. You also need to factor in the bipolar behavior. Here's what I would do if I were in your shoes. If your wife was trustworthy before the A, and if you still love her, than if I were you I would wait out the affair. I'd do some things to destabilize the affair and try to break it up, but I'd wait and see. Not forever... but I wouldn't rush into finding a new relationship with another woman. I'd give it some time, even after the divorce was final, to see what happens. Unless she marries the OM, though, the odds are good the affair will end and she will see what a mess she has made of things. And at that point, reconciliation might be possible. Not rushing into a new relationship is probably sound advice in any event - taking some time to get over the betrayal and to let your heart settle after 12 years of a happy marriage. You'll be less likely to have a "rebound" relationship with someone that way. Focus on your kids and yourself. By the way, what is your child custody arrangement? She had 3 kids before you married, I presume the 4th child is your biological child? Your wife does not sound like a fit mother at the moment - leaving the kids with her mom while she runs around with her affair partner is not very responsible. You should be keeping records of this - keep logs of every time she leaves the kids to run off on her own, and every time you catch her in a lie, all of this. It will help when going through any final divorce proceedings, if you have any left. Anyway, think it over... 3 weeks is not a long enough time to have really come to grips with the whole messed-up situation, in my opinion. Determine what you really want. You were a tanker at Lejeune? That's where I was - I was in 1/2 back in the early 90s, back around Desert Storm. My wife and I went back for a visit in 1997, stayed in Jacksonville and saw one of my old buddies. All the best,
WifeCheatedOnMe Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 WCOM, If you've found something of value at MB, then good for you, but the point I was making is that MB is directed toward a BH with your personality type, but is worthless for someone like MARINE_ONE. Please enlighten me as to what my 'personality type' is.....
Author MARINE_ONE Posted January 28, 2010 Author Posted January 28, 2010 Just make sure brother that you're the one in control of the situation IF she repents and comes back. Take it from one who knows. Get your financial and legal side in order. Will do! I am not listening to any repenting!!!!!
Author MARINE_ONE Posted January 28, 2010 Author Posted January 28, 2010 MARINE_ONE, I want to apologize for thread/jacking your discussion off on a MB rant, but I wanted to address what I thought was very bad advice, and give you the opposing perspective. FWIW, I commend your decision and determination in the face of these terrible circumstances. As a fellow BH, I know how bad it SUCKS to be dealing with what you are facing. GOOD LUCK to you, Sir. Thanks! It really does suck, especially for the kids!!
Author MARINE_ONE Posted January 28, 2010 Author Posted January 28, 2010 Hello again, Marine One, From what you describe, yes, it has definately gone physical. All that unexplained time... you really don't need to spend time trying to confirm it - it is pretty evident that she was with him. As far as trust goes... if you were to try to reconcile, you would certainly not trust her again right off the bat. That trust would have to be earned back over an extended period of time. (I like to think of Ronald Reagan's quote "trust but verify".) The thing is, Marine, people can change. People make mistakes all the time, but they are capable of learning from those mistakes. You know your wife best, of course. The fact that she had 3 kids with 2 different fathers before you met her is not a good sign - she just may not be marriage material. But she is young - 31? - and immature. There may be something in her that is capable of growth and change. And you were with her for 12 years. The way I see it there are three main barriers to reconciliation: 1) she does not want it now, 2) you would have to learn to trust her again, and 3) you would have to work at forgiving her. Let's leave 3) aside, I don't know if you find it easy or difficult to forgive, and I don't believe forgiveness should be given to someone who is unrepentant anyway, so this would be a long-term consideration. 1) is outside of your control. For the most part. If her affair were to end, she would probably think about coming back, unless she was very unhappy before this. She probably is telling you that she was unhappy, all WW (Wayward Wives) say this, but from what you describe (the Facebook message) it sounds like things were not too bad beforehand. There are ways to accelerate the end of the affair, but for the most part, this is a waiting game. This leaves 2) - the trust issue. And this is a biggie for you. This is where you have to look at your marriage. Was your wife generally trustworthy before the affair? If she was, than it is likely that the affair is causing a sort of "temporary insanity", and that with the affair removed from the picture, she would go back to the kind of person she was before. Again, you wouldn't want to trust her right away, she would have to earn your trust back... but if she was generally honest before the affair, than you can have some confidence that she could learn from this mistake and go back to being honest afterward. If she was sneaky, or dishonest, or told "little white lies" before the affair, than obviously it would be much more of a crap shoot as to whether or not you could ever trust her again. You also need to factor in the bipolar behavior. Here's what I would do if I were in your shoes. If your wife was trustworthy before the A, and if you still love her, than if I were you I would wait out the affair. I'd do some things to destabilize the affair and try to break it up, but I'd wait and see. Not forever... but I wouldn't rush into finding a new relationship with another woman. I'd give it some time, even after the divorce was final, to see what happens. Unless she marries the OM, though, the odds are good the affair will end and she will see what a mess she has made of things. And at that point, reconciliation might be possible. Not rushing into a new relationship is probably sound advice in any event - taking some time to get over the betrayal and to let your heart settle after 12 years of a happy marriage. You'll be less likely to have a "rebound" relationship with someone that way. Focus on your kids and yourself. By the way, what is your child custody arrangement? She had 3 kids before you married, I presume the 4th child is your biological child? Your wife does not sound like a fit mother at the moment - leaving the kids with her mom while she runs around with her affair partner is not very responsible. You should be keeping records of this - keep logs of every time she leaves the kids to run off on her own, and every time you catch her in a lie, all of this. It will help when going through any final divorce proceedings, if you have any left. Anyway, think it over... 3 weeks is not a long enough time to have really come to grips with the whole messed-up situation, in my opinion. Determine what you really want. You were a tanker at Lejeune? That's where I was - I was in 1/2 back in the early 90s, back around Desert Storm. My wife and I went back for a visit in 1997, stayed in Jacksonville and saw one of my old buddies. All the best, Yeah, she has never been trustworthy. She has always lied to me. Usually about the craziest stuff. She would always say she couldn't control herself and didn't know why her first instinct was to lie. I have been keeping a detailed list of what she has been doing since this whole thing started in case I ever need it. You are right that one of the children is biologically mine. I was also able to adopt my youngest daughter. However, all of the kids are mine!! I get to have two of them each weekend.(although legally she only has to let me have the two that are mine every other weekend and shared holidays) However, the other two would throw major fits if she kept them from me, since one is almost 16 and the other is 14. I am very close to all of my kids. My focus for the next few years will be on my kids. That does not mean I won't ever date again, but I am sure that I will not for at least several months. At this point I have no desire to date. If and when I do start dating I don't plan to get into anything serious for a long, long, long time. I have too much baggage at this point to have a serious relationship with anyone. I hope that at some point in my life that I will be able to trust someone again, but I just can't imagine that yet. As for forgiveness.... I can forgive her, but that doesn't mean I can forget it or ever be with her again. She has hurt my kids too much during this whole fiasco. She has been so selfish by doing what she has done, but it's even worse how she has gone about it. I will always love her with all my heart, but I could never forget what she has done. She has made her bed and now she has to lie in it.
hooghie Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 I'm sorry this happened to you. You seem like a family man with a great character. I am really surprised that you are finished with everything after 3.5 weeks and you will be divorced from a 12 year marriage in Feb. That seems way too fast. You also mentioned alimony. Maybe you should let a judge decide how much alimony you should pay and for how long. If my math is right, she is only 31 so she can definitely get a job. Don't give her everything she wants. She took enough from you already.
Author MARINE_ONE Posted January 28, 2010 Author Posted January 28, 2010 I'm sorry this happened to you. You seem like a family man with a great character. I am really surprised that you are finished with everything after 3.5 weeks and you will be divorced from a 12 year marriage in Feb. That seems way too fast. You also mentioned alimony. Maybe you should let a judge decide how much alimony you should pay and for how long. If my math is right, she is only 31 so she can definitely get a job. Don't give her everything she wants. She took enough from you already. I love my family very much!! The reason I am giving her the divorce is because she said she wanted to separate 4 months ago and I fought for the relationship. Then two months ago she wanted a divorce but came back two days later and said she was sorry and didn't understand why she said that stuff to me and that she loved me more than anything. She said she would never say or do that again.( I did not ask her back that time... My guess her friend was wavering on divorce then... I only have proof they started talking in December, but it could be longer) I just can't yo yo anymore. Whether its her illness, the meds, or she really doesn't love me anymore. Believe me when I say I can't believe my marriage is ending. I have always believed in true love( yes I guess I am naive). My hope is that we really are soulmates and that we will meet again in the afterlife. But as for this life I can't continue to let this happen. If kids weren't involved they may be a different story. I did have a neighbor talk to me yesterday(one of her friends), and she let me know that she can't believe what my wife is doing and that she can see her selfishness and said she is so mad at her to for what she is doing. I am so glad I am not the only one that feels this way!!
Culthbert Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 She was probably talking to the OM (Other Man) since before December - in fact, there is very probably an exact correlation between the time she started talking to him and the time she started feeling dissatisfied with the marriage. That's how affairs work. If she's been telling you she's unhappy for four months, it is very likely she's been talking to him for five months. You sound pretty well grounded, Marine. I like that you intend to put your kids first and to not rush into another relationship - that will serve you well. You are also obviously a man of honor and you love your kids, even those who are neither biologically yours nor adopted. I believe you'll be fine in the long run, although it hurts right now, because those qualities will do well in guiding your life - and, when the time is right, those qualities will help you find love again. Is your divorce all done except for waiting for it to become final? Or do you have more negotiating to do? In my opinion, you should be fine moving forward with the divorce. But I would not be surprised if she makes an attempt at some point in the future to reconcile with you, especially as the odds are not in her favor that OM will leave his family for her. You might want to think about what your response would be in such a situation - whether it is 100% "never", as you are saying right now - or if there might be any scenario where you would consider it. 4 weeks is not long enough, I think, for you to have definitively made up your mind on the subject, and I predict you'll have second thoughts about it at some point, although you may well come to the same conclusion you have now. If you do consider reconciliation, you ought to have some conditions that you would require before considering it. Counseling for her, for example, to try to resolve her issues with honesty. I will tell you that it is possible for someone who lies to reform - because I used to lie to my wife all the time about money. That was a real problem for her, but when we reconciled/reconnected, I committed to total honesty with her and I have lived up to that for the past five years. So it is possible... although I cannot say how likely it is... I know a woman who reconciled with a cheating husband, but who imposed conditions on his return, conditions like transparency (no secrets), etc. One condition she insisted on was, literally, community service - he had to do volunteer work, on the grounds that it would help him turn his focus away from himself and develop some compassion and empathy for other people. Anyway... just some thoughts for you. You do seem to be holding up well, but what you are dealing with is, by definition, an unbearable situation, so don't hesitate to seek support. Just be careful when talking with women about your situation... Semper Fi!
Author MARINE_ONE Posted January 28, 2010 Author Posted January 28, 2010 She was probably talking to the OM (Other Man) since before December - in fact, there is very probably an exact correlation between the time she started talking to him and the time she started feeling dissatisfied with the marriage. That's how affairs work. If she's been telling you she's unhappy for four months, it is very likely she's been talking to him for five months. You sound pretty well grounded, Marine. I like that you intend to put your kids first and to not rush into another relationship - that will serve you well. You are also obviously a man of honor and you love your kids, even those who are neither biologically yours nor adopted. I believe you'll be fine in the long run, although it hurts right now, because those qualities will do well in guiding your life - and, when the time is right, those qualities will help you find love again. Is your divorce all done except for waiting for it to become final? Or do you have more negotiating to do? In my opinion, you should be fine moving forward with the divorce. But I would not be surprised if she makes an attempt at some point in the future to reconcile with you, especially as the odds are not in her favor that OM will leave his family for her. You might want to think about what your response would be in such a situation - whether it is 100% "never", as you are saying right now - or if there might be any scenario where you would consider it. 4 weeks is not long enough, I think, for you to have definitively made up your mind on the subject, and I predict you'll have second thoughts about it at some point, although you may well come to the same conclusion you have now. If you do consider reconciliation, you ought to have some conditions that you would require before considering it. Counseling for her, for example, to try to resolve her issues with honesty. I will tell you that it is possible for someone who lies to reform - because I used to lie to my wife all the time about money. That was a real problem for her, but when we reconciled/reconnected, I committed to total honesty with her and I have lived up to that for the past five years. So it is possible... although I cannot say how likely it is... I know a woman who reconciled with a cheating husband, but who imposed conditions on his return, conditions like transparency (no secrets), etc. One condition she insisted on was, literally, community service - he had to do volunteer work, on the grounds that it would help him turn his focus away from himself and develop some compassion and empathy for other people. Anyway... just some thoughts for you. You do seem to be holding up well, but what you are dealing with is, by definition, an unbearable situation, so don't hesitate to seek support. Just be careful when talking with women about your situation... Semper Fi! Thanks for your support and kind words. The divorce is set to be final on the February 19th. I can't believe it was that easy and quick to do with 4 kids in the equation. Although, I made it easy on her because of the kids. I gave her all of our personal property(except some things that I really wanted). I gave 1300 a month alimony for two years. And I agreed to give her 50.00 more than the state would require in child support. I did all of this to make it an easier process on the kids(no fighting), to make sure I didn't get a load of attorney fees, and finally to limit the amount of time I would pay alimony. I have thought a lot about the idea of reconciliation. The only way I would ever get back with her is after the kids are 18. I can't let the kids go through this again. But, by that time I can't imagine that I would even consider it, but I would never say never. Hahaha I would have to see that she has completely changed and as you say she would have to have complete transparency. I would have to know that all the little white lies and the big affair lies were never going to happen again, and I don't know if I could believe that would happen. But again, never say never. I really like the community service idea!! Lastly, I have no desire to talk to women right now. I just don't trust them. I hope I don't always feel that way though. Semper Fi, brother!!
OFGnomore Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 (edited) I agree that many of the recovery literature out there is "hope in a book". I love the one about the H & W who's affair was the "best thing". Please give me a break. Did you see how much they're charging for there weekend seminars? Even, Not Just Friends, talks about getting to a point in recovery where the BS dons a wig like her H's lover's dark hair and they have a good laugh about before falling into bed and making love? R U kidding? Mad M had a great list of what it takes to REALLY recover. And guess what ,IMO the marriages that have the best chances are the ones in which the cheater, owns it and does most of the work. Unfortunately, it doesn't happen too often that way especially with men. Nature makes them not seek out help as often as women. JMHO though. Edited January 28, 2010 by OFGnomore
Culthbert Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 And guess what ,IMO the marriages that have the best chances are the ones in which the cheater, owns it and does most of the work. I think, ultimately, this is correct. I think sometimes the Betrayed Spouse will have to carry the load to start with, if then WS agrees to reconcile, but I agree that unless the WS gets to this state, the marriage is unlikely to recover.
Recommended Posts