professorTR Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 All, I'm sure most of you have read my story. If not, http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t209069/ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t217514/ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t217971/ I'm having a great deal of difficulty handling a few things in particular. This first is that me STBXW and her parents are living in the house that my wife and I bought and it is killing me. I happened upon my wife's facebook page (I've now unfriended her) and saw pictures from christmas. In them, everybody is happy and all smiles, gathered around the table in my kitchen, sitting in my chairs, etc. Her parents have never truly had a house of their own, but it doesn't seem to bother them that the only way they've now gotten this American Dream is thanks to MY hard work. I'm living with my parents in the tiny bedroom I grew up in, while my wife and her parents are living it up in the house that I worked so hard for and was putting a lot of time and money into fixing up. My wife claims that it isn't as easy on her as she's making it look, and I know that everyone puts his/her best face on facebook, but I'm overcome with anger and bitterness. She really wants us to be friends, and for some reason I'm going along with that. I guess I'm just that afraid of losing her, or maybe it's because I'm trying to turn this into a "You can't fire me, I quit" situation. Do I take the high road in this and just be amicable, file an uncontested divorce and move on, or should I sue her and saddle her with half of the debts (the credit card debt is mostly mine, but I went into debt negotiation to avoid bankruptcy because as long as we had the two incomes we would be able to pay everything off and move on) and make her feel how hard this process really is (I was much too nice about everything during the separation, even helping her pay bills, allowing things to stay in my name, etc)? The house has both of our names on it, but the mortgage is entirely in her name. There is a home equity loan against the house only in my name, as well as a window loan in my name only. She is trying to refinance the house to absorb the home equity loan, so that should get sorted out. However, we have two vehicles, the car, which I drive, has both of our names on the loan. The truck, which she drives, has only my name on the loan and she can't afford it anymore. She hasn't stuck me with it and continues to pay the bill, so that makes me think twice about sticking it to her in the divorce. I just feel vengeful after being strung along for close to 7 months. I really need help with this..........
sean1970 Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 (edited) I fully understand how you feel... I put in countless hours on the ex's new house. Knowing that her and the new bf are walking in on the floors I was on my hands and knees pulling nails out of, turning on lights that I wired, sitting on the couch I carried in, to watch TV on the system I installed was no fun to think about.... That said, there is no victory in 'sticking it to her' in the ways you are talking about. The anger you feel now would be quickly replaced with mountains of guilt. "Why did I do that" will be a common question you ask yourself. Many here would advise the 'who cares wtf she thinks; does not matter any longer'. However, that does not work so well in the state you are in and talking you into feeling that way is just not possible so close to the breakup IMHO. Right now, most of the dumped are concerned with how the ex remembers us. Do you really want her to think back and remember how you dicked her over? You don't want that as your legacy trust me. Fair is fair, however. Forging ahead with a plan to get out of this fairly, and with dignity intact, is your goal right now. Edited January 27, 2010 by sean1970
Ronni_W Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 Do I take the high road in this and just be amicable, file an uncontested divorce and move on, or should I sue her and saddle her with half of the debts How about just asking your lawyer what would be a FAIR divorce? One that treats you both equally? One that, when it's done, leaves both parties on an even playing field? "Amicable" has to do with personal relationships/matters of the heart...not matters of finance. And making dumb financial decisions is not "taking the high road"! I hear that you're afraid of "losing her"...but you've done that already, yes? I would suggest. It's the concepts, phrases and words that you are (mis)applying to your situation, that will cause you to not serve justice on your own behalf, and to make unwise decisions that could seriously impact your ability to move forward sooner than later. If you hear what I'm saying?
Author professorTR Posted January 28, 2010 Author Posted January 28, 2010 Sean, Seems you and I are having many of the same feelings. How do you handle it? My wife wants to be friends, but I feel like such a fool through all of this. It's no biggie to her that she is living in OUR house while I'm left with nothing. It's so infuriating. I wish I could just commit to hating her and stop including her in my life, but I just can't...I'm losing my mind!
sean1970 Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 (edited) Sean, Seems you and I are having many of the same feelings. How do you handle it? In the beginning, like everyone else... "WTF!!!! How could she do this..? How could she so easily forget what I've done for her...? Did I ever matter...? How could she be so selfish..? " There are countless posts on LS laden with references to what they did for their SO, how they provided for them, how well they treated them. For the most part, its all shlt. At the end of the day, it is how you make them feel that matters, not what you did for them. While "giving to get' was the wrong mindset (and not one I was aware I had at the time), I do appreciate that I was able to help someone and that we did it together. I know I am capable of giving and someone else will be happy with what I offer. Someone will appreciate you again Prof. From one of your other posts... This is how I feel now: I'm so afraid of living in the world and having experiences because I no longer have someone to run to for comfort when things get tough. I've been reading many different books on abandonment, obsessive love, etc., and though I can rationalize much of what's going on I'm still at a loss emotionally. Took me a while to realize this and I did not fully understand it until I read 'No More Mr Nice Guy'. Its a quick read and might help put some perspective on your situation. From one of your other posts... I use an analogy for my situation: It's as though I've always been on the sidelines of life, watching the "game" so to speak, afraid to be a part of the game for fear of getting hurt. Something you might want to try... Meetup.com. There are a plethora of groups with a vast array of themes; I'm going to a trivia night at a local bar where 30+ plus other people will be next Tuesday, a movie night with 20+ the next Wednesday. The first meetup I went to, I was fairly nervous. By the end of the evening, I had talked to a guy about the energy density of modern batteries and how ultra capacitors were a far better option for the future... to a women who told me at least 7 times I had nice eyes... argued to another that the Beatles were indeed better than the Stones and she must be high to think otherwise . Solitude and isolation only made it worse for me prof; I had to get out... So do you. My wife wants to be friends, but I feel like such a fool through all of this. It's no biggie to her that she is living in OUR house while I'm left with nothing. While it hurts like hell, her being selfish is not a surprise. You are accustomed to thinking in pairs and you are expecting her to do the same. Wont happen. She is surrounding herself with people supporting her, not you. Trying to identify with her now, or worse, attempting to have her sync up with your view, is futile and thus, friendship is impossible. This is why you have to stop thinking about her actions/inactions and more about yours. Doing ****ty things in a payback effort will only make you feel worse about yourself in the end. It's so infuriating. I wish I could just commit to hating her and stop including her in my life, but I just can't...I'm losing my mind! And anger will come; its one of the phases. You need to let them all happen and not tuck them away... Ball your ****ing eyes out, say you hate her one moment, love her to pieces the next. Get it out. And Prof... You also need to stop contacting her. Your journey needs to start with gaining back some personal respect and dignity. She can give you neither. Edited January 28, 2010 by sean1970
Author professorTR Posted January 29, 2010 Author Posted January 29, 2010 (edited) Sean, Thanks so much for the reply. Your words make so much sense, and you're helping me to look at this in a much different way. I am trying my best to let her go. I guess it's foolish to want to "look out for her." I tell her that she shouldn't be dating someone and falling for someone else so soon, but she says she's not going to base her life on what anyone else thinks. I've tried to get her to see that she's not healing properly by doing this, but she wants no part of what I, or anyone else, might say. I feel ok at times, but then I get into the "this can't be happening" stage, and think surely she must come to her senses. It's like she's not herself in many ways/ Of course, she says she's "different now," which I always interpret as a blow against me, as if I was holding her back. It's like she's rebelling against me. I really want to stop caring! It's as though every thing she does as she "moves on" is another rejection of me. I think about her or hear about her doing new things, and it just reminds me that she's rejecting me. I hang on everything she does to pick out what about it is a rejection of me.... Edited January 29, 2010 by professorTR
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