teanoranges Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 I went on a trip over the weekend to visit mutual friends of the ex and I. I had a great time and really felt like a lot of myself has regrouped itself, especially parts of me i forgot about while I was with him. I also extremely miss the city he lives in, which I also lived for a while but got confused and left... now I'm really wondering if I should move back since I've distanced myself from him. I hold myself from moving there because the fear that maybe its the wrong move.. but I also don't feel at home at where I'm at. I know that my ex is still with the other woman because the way my one mutual friend was looking into her work when we walked past... most likely to see if she was in there.... which I really didn't understand but also don't care. I really feel like visiting there and not seeing him was a big step in severing all the connectors to him in my body. He now truly feels gone forever. I really wanted some opinions on what I should do. Should I move back there (I wouldn't be near him and doubt I'd run into him... its a big city)? I'm in my early 20s so I'm still very confused at where life is leading me. There's so much more opportunity there socially and career-wise... but I'm just not sure. I feel ready, but its scary.
counterman Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 Only consider moving back to your old city if you are completely over him, in my opinion. Some deep lingering feelings for your ex might lead to head there. Even though you say he feels gone, do you miss him? I just don't want you going back for the wrong reasons (not suggesting that you still have feelings for him or anything). I'm just trying to challenge your thinking so you can make an informed decision with your own knowledge. Also, if you do not feel at home where you are at now, then it is definitely more preferable that you reside at a place you do feel comfortable. Plus, you have friends there already. Although, how do you feel about leaving the city you're in now? The future is always going to be scary if we are uncertain of what we're going to do or where we will be at, and that's life. Just don't regret any decisions you make and talk to your family about this.
Author teanoranges Posted January 27, 2010 Author Posted January 27, 2010 I've been feeling for the past 5 months like I want to go back, but haven't because of the mere fact that he is there... it frustrates me because I also don't want to live my life avoiding that place and then later come to regret allowing some worthless male to dictate my life. I love my family here, but I don't like the social aspect. Its harder to make friends and its harder to just simply get around and find something to do. Its a place I feel would be the best to 'retire' in, if you understand that. I have an urge to travel, but not sure if I can truly do that yet on my own. Its not like I'd be stuck there... if I didn't like it I could come back anytime. Its very hard to decide though for the reasons you pointed out. I really don't want him to be the reason... but I almost feel like staying here is also hindering me because its not igniting my engine, weird choice of words I know.
counterman Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 You are right - you don't want to let your ex control your life, especially where you live, and you should not avoid that place. From your words, I can see it holds a dear place in your heart. If you have been feeling like you want to go back for the past 5 months, then you're never going to be truly satisfied no matter what happens at the city you are currently in. Talk to your family about this and tell them how you feel. I'll give you a scenario that is on a smaller scale to yours. My ex and I have mutual friends. If there is an event on and we're both invited to it, I wouldn't go. Why? Because I am not completely healed and seeing my ex there would not do me any good, especially if she's with another guy. When I am healed, is my ex going to stop me from going to future parties and the like? Of course not. In your case, your ex should not stop you from moving back, nor should the possibility of bumping into him (like you said, it's a big city). You would most probably see him if you are tempted to and put yourself in a position to or if your mutual friends decides to invite him along to hang out. If the current place is not doing it for you and it is more difficult to socialise then that would set you back quite a bit. How could you enjoy your life if you feel that way? Like you said, you can always move back! Whatever makes you most happy, darling
Author teanoranges Posted January 27, 2010 Author Posted January 27, 2010 Thank you so much for the great words! It feels like I'm trying to convince myself what I want, but I also know I am trying to plan the moving there in a way where I will still be somewhat distanced from the mutual friends. And I have absolutely no problem with saying I don't want to go to a party he will be at.... ...but like you said time can be tempting... lets just hope its tempting us to say 'forget them' I guess I have to trust myself to do the better thing when I'm there and I honestly feel like I'd be too busy and have too much fun to care. I have talked to my family too and they are sure I'll be moving back they just don't know when. They've also assured me they'll still be here.
counterman Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 (edited) It is great that you have your family's support. You can always count on them to welcome you back with open arms if things don't work out (if you decide to move). Sometimes we let our emotions think for us and, thus, our hearts. But, after a break-up (whether days, weeks or months), our emotions aren't in check. That's why we have our minds, so that we can think things through and not jump to a decision based on how we feel at the moment. Ask yourself, what do you really want? There's always going to be some uncertainty about whether you have made the right decision or not, but, just remember, you also don't want to be stuck with "what if..?" in regards to moving. Just take your time and think it through. Always remember your family's support. When you said it feels as though you are trying to convince yourself of what you want, don't do that if it isn't really (deep down) what you want. If you want to be closer to your mutual friends, don't let your ex stop you from being there. However, if you think it'll be better to live a bit further form them then that's fine too. Hopefully, upon hearing your arrival back, your ex does not harass you (I don't really know the situation between you two). Whatever you decide, always back yourself. Always do the right thing by yourself and be honest with yourself. If you go there because you think things will be better there for you socially, go have fun! Meet up with some old friends! But, don't forget about your career, which is a priority as well. Take care! Edited January 27, 2010 by counterman
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