weeble78 Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 Helllloooo everybody Re. my new (2.5 month) relationship with my lovely man - weird night last weekend.... Went to a bar with the purpose of him meeting one of my best friends. They got on like a house on fire!!! (Don't you just love that?!). So. While they were talking I started chatting to one of his friends - he started telling my friend how happy he was to have met me etc etc. Anyway, they somehow get on to the 'L'word convo (we were all very drunk by this point), and he says to her he's been wanting to say it for ages. He then swears her to secrecy and then nearly tells me he loves me on the dancefloor before saying something else. We boogie the rest of the night away drinking more, then go home. When we get back he calls my mobile and asks to speak to my friend. When he does, he wants to know if I feel the same way as him. Can I just say, we're between the ages of 31-36 - but I guess being drunk lowers your inhibitions and makes you do silly things... So, she says yes, definitely, I've heard her say it. Then I speak to him, with no mention of what was being said, and then we go to bed. Next day he turns up at my house dressed all smart and sexy, with a bunch of roses for my hangover and some chocolate and juice. We have a lazy day because I am hungover, and he does a little digging to see if Paula told me what he said but I didn't know what to say so played innocent and said I hoped she hadn't told him anything naughty about me. Roll on 2 days and we're emailing in work. He has an ex-fiancee, they split 4 years ago (both cheated, she became too dependent on him), and from what I gather they don't really stay in touch. We were talking on email in work about the way we both 'handle' each other and he was saying he likes the way I 'handle' him, then he went on a little rant about when him and his ex lived together and that she expected him to read her mind etc when wanting chores done. Anyway, I haven't heard much of them both, but in his rant he put something like 'well EX-GF, if you listen to what somebody has to say and then compromise then you don't end up having arguments and can sort it out a different way' - anyway the gist of it I got was that he prefers to talk and compromise rather than be shouted at and argued with, but I felt a little bit funny the way he spoke about her, saying EX in caps. So, last night we were chatting about exes, ones that have pulled the suicide card, ones that you don't mix with domestically (e.g. living with), and I said 'babe it was nice to hear something about you and your ex-fiancee, it's a side of you I haven't heard about' - then he just completely clammed up for about 10 minutes and changed the conversation! Anyway, maybe I'm being entirely insecure and weird here, but I am feeling a little strange about his reaction. She did some not very nice things to him at the end of the relationship which he eventually told me aobut, but I haven't been able to gauge his feelings towards her. Does anyone think I'm overreacting in being concerned he might still have feelings for her? I must admit, I've been ill and had no sleep for the last 2 nights so my emotions may be running a little high!!! Thanks guys for reading xxx
Author weeble78 Posted January 27, 2010 Author Posted January 27, 2010 Anybody any comments or need more info? Would be very grateful for any response....
SoulSearch_CO Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 My initial thought was that you were analyzing the thing to death and it's only been 2.5 months together. But it didn't seem to be a very helpful comment, so I didn't leave it. LOL
paddington bear Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 My advice would be not to fish for any more info on his ex. If he wants to talk about her, he will, and even if he voluntarily talks about her, you might not like what you hear. Also hearing about the faults of ex's makes you think 'hmmm, so I should never behave like that' instead of just being yourself - once you start comparing your rel to him with hers you open up a nasty can of worms. Sounds like he's still bitter about the breakup, with the EX in caps. Also sounds like he's simply not comfortable talking about her, which actually, is a good thing. You'd need to worry if he was going on and on about her which would indicate that she's still much in his thoughts. Fact that she rarely comes up is a good thing I would say. Also most guys I find anyway, no matter what has happened to them in a past relationship tend not to dish the dirt in the same detailed way a woman might, so being asked about her might have simply made him feel uncomfortable. I would have the attitude that 'he's with me now, he (almost) said he loved me and that's all that matters'. You will know in your gut if there's something up. I was talking to a friend about this, and we both agreed you can sense when there's a subtle shift in the attitude of your boyfriend, they may deny it, but you always, always later find out that your gut was right and the reason for your uneasy feeling.
Author weeble78 Posted January 27, 2010 Author Posted January 27, 2010 Hello Paddington Bear Thanks very much for your sensible feedback. I was curious as to what kind of dynamic he had with his ex as he has told me some of the nasty things she did while they were together, but I guess it's not going to bring me anything worthwhile hearing it anyway - I'm just being nosy. I will try and focus on the here and now, and try to take each day as it comes. I think I'm a bit nervous as I'm hoping he didn't say what he said to my friend out of drunkenness, and that he means it! We're going away for four days this weekend so it's a bit of a tester - hopefullyI'll come back with a smile on my face... I agree with the gut feeling too - it's a strange thing....but what's even stranger is the amount of times people ignore it. It's funny but I've just remembered why I was feeling strange - I was talking about taking up dance classes and he suggested a place the other side of town - where his ex works teaching drama. Then he was telling me what a lovely place it is in the summer as there is a nice outdoor bar there, and that two of his friends visit it frequently and he's hoping to spend more time there this summer. I think that's what triggered the worry in my head. I'm trying to ignore it, but there are many other places he could go other than where she works - and it wasn't like he said I'll have to take you there.
torranceshipman Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 Hmm...on its own it doesnt soundlike much but I hear you about intuition - sounds like there's a few things worrying you if it's stopped you from sleeping. Is there anything else that you can think of that is botherng you? (and what did he say to your friend Paula?)
DiscoChick Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 You've been ill and suffering from insomnia? I know nothing about whirlwind romances (yes, I consider this a whirlwind, as I could never fall that fast for a guy), but I think you should lay off being nosy for a bit. He may be embarrassed. He'll talk about it when he's ready. Just don't keep bringing it up. You guys seem happy enough. Don't ruin that.
Author weeble78 Posted January 27, 2010 Author Posted January 27, 2010 Well yeah, and it'll sound silly - my last BF cheated on me for 3 months and did the whole hiding his mobile, secret texts whilst sitting next to me on the sofa etc. I've noticed that he texts quite a lot in the evening and I'm sure this is a recent thing. Thing is, he just might not have been texting much before because he was being polite (he made comments previously about me texting a lot when we were together - oops!). What he said to Paula - basically he was saying how amazing/unique/special I am, how happy he is to have met me, etc etc, and that he wants to say the 'L' word to me (how does that happen not to my face!!). Basically I'm probably being hypersensitive as he's opened up to me about his ex several times before, and told me very personal things and just this time he didn't - the difference was this time I was directing the questions rather than him just telling me stuff off his own back. And I'm not sleeping due to illness! Not that crazy worried Thanks for taking the time to respond xx
LostLamb Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 Four years on and he is still writing the word ex in capital letters? I'm not saying he is bad or anything but be careful because if he still has issues over this woman it will feed in to your relationship. I guess a large part of my engagement breaking up was due to becoming too dependant on my ex and part of me wishes it would have been a more traditional break-up. Leaving for other reasons ups the bitter quotient and can lead to confusion.
Author weeble78 Posted January 27, 2010 Author Posted January 27, 2010 Hmmm, LostLamb, thinking about it on several occasions when we have chatted (again on email at work) about ways in which we argue, how we are when living with other people etc, he has brought up his ex and then sort of compared me saying he prefers the way I tackle things. I'm hearing that being compared to somebody's ex is not a good thing? Funny enough even though I'm more recently broken up wtih somebody, I've not once compared him as my ex isn't even in my thoughts...
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