EricaH329 Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 As most of you know, my ex came back to me telling me that he will do anything to work on our relationship so that we can be back together again. We have both decided that taking it slow is the best for now. We are not together, we are currently trying to work out the problems that we both had in the past and trying to grow and become stronger as a couple. But i'm starting to realize that maybe if the problems we get sorted out, won't be enough? I mean... it's been very hard on me. I have a lot of doubt, and I don't think it'll ever go away. From all of the things he has done to me in the past, I just don't feel as though I can ever fully be comfortable with him again. I do give him credit, he has been working harder than ever to prove his love for me. But sometimes, the little things, will trigger my doubts all over again. It's been about a month, and at first I didn't give it the time of day (since he was the one proving to me that he wants to be with me). Then I started becoming emotionally invested, once again. That's when my doubts felt as though they were consuming me. I'm basically waiting for him to screw it up, and any little thing he does... leads me to believe that that's what he's doing. I love him to death, but i'm not sure if it'll ever work? Maybe we are trying to revive something that's already dead? Or maybe it'll just take time for me to feel comfortable enough that he's not doing anything to sabotage our relationship? Either way, I hate these constant feelings of doubt and second guessing that i've been consumed with lately.
ginyi1111 Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 I'm not sure if i'm in the right frame of mind to give my opinions to you since what is going on for you right now i'd DIE to have!! It is understandable that you have these doubts and it's difficult to shake them off since you have been hurt so badly by this one person. The trust that they will treasure and fight for the relationship has been broken by him leaving you in the first place. However my bargaining point is that, if you avoid this realtionship with him and start a new one with another man, there would be other problems as well that might lead to the breakup of the relationship. Why not try to work on this one as you can already identify what went wrong in the first place. Urrrgh did you guys go NC after the breakup? How I wish my ex would come back to me..
Author EricaH329 Posted January 27, 2010 Author Posted January 27, 2010 I'm not sure if i'm in the right frame of mind to give my opinions to you since what is going on for you right now i'd DIE to have!! It's a lot more difficult than it seems, trying to rebuild something that was broken. But I understand what you mean. It is understandable that you have these doubts and it's difficult to shake them off since you have been hurt so badly by this one person. The trust that they will treasure and fight for the relationship has been broken by him leaving you in the first place. Exactly! And it didn't happen once, it happened twice. He is saying all of the things to me that he usually says. This time, though, he is backing his words up with actions. Something he has never really done before. I do give him a lot of credit for that, and i've told him many times that I acknoweledge the effort he is putting forth and I am grateful for it. However my bargaining point is that, if you avoid this realtionship with him and start a new one with another man, there would be other problems as well that might lead to the breakup of the relationship. Why not try to work on this one as you can already identify what went wrong in the first place. I've tried being in another relationship after my ex, and that ended quickly. I'm not emotionally ready to be in a relationship right now. I'm still trying to figure out whether this relationship with my ex can be salvaged. Urrrgh did you guys go NC after the breakup? How I wish my ex would come back to me.. We broke up twice. The first time we went NC for 2 weeks I think before he came back to me. The second time we went NC on and off for 4 months, before he came back to me. It's been a month now since he told me that he really wants to be with me. We are trying to go about this differently, and work through our problems instead of trying to mask them because we love eachother. While i'm hopeful, i'm very doubtful and skeptical. When I asked him why he thinks that it's going to work this time around, he said to me, "Because I love you, and you love me. I really think this is the last chance we have to make this work, and I will do anything for that to happen." But my fears are really starting to beat me down. I'm stressed out all the time because of them. I just don't know what to do!
Author EricaH329 Posted January 27, 2010 Author Posted January 27, 2010 Ugh, so I just found out that he lied to me. It's not over something big, but it was something that I was having doubts about. Something he has pulled in the past. I was afraid this was going to happen... this is exactly what I was afraid of. I've decided that i'm going to take the rest of the day for myself. I'm going to go out and have fun. Not respond to him. Not to punish him, but because I need to think about how i'm going to handle this situation.
bananaboat11 Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 Erica, I just woke up. Going to get ready and head into my office / lab and I'll definitely spend sometime reading / thinking on this one for you. Regardless (even tho I haven't read it) be strong. You know how amazing you are... I wouldn't stay up (when I'm not sick as a dog) till 3am talking with you and kelvin. And I caught the Freudian slip! "Dr...."
DustySaltus Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 Ugh, so I just found out that he lied to me. It's not over something big, but it was something that I was having doubts about. Something he has pulled in the past. I was afraid this was going to happen... this is exactly what I was afraid of. I've decided that i'm going to take the rest of the day for myself. I'm going to go out and have fun. Not respond to him. Not to punish him, but because I need to think about how i'm going to handle this situation. What was it that he lied about? I think that he is going about the second (or third?) chance in the right way, doing whatever it takes right now. But only you know if he's doing A LOT more than he did in the past. Second or Third chances don't work unless both people are willing to work out the issues that lead you to break up in the first place. I know you were engaged as well and that brings it to a different level. You might be able to change the problems that lead to your break up but you can't ever change the true essence of who he really is. If that's the person you fell in love with, take it slow. If it's not, you need to turn the page permanently.
USMCHokie Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 Alright, here we go... As most of you know, my ex came back to me telling me that he will do anything to work on our relationship so that we can be back together again. I did not know this, but I think I may have been MIA from LS last month when the news broke...and all the insuing frenzy and riots... We have both decided that taking it slow is the best for now. We are not together, we are currently trying to work out the problems that we both had in the past and trying to grow and become stronger as a couple. This is definitely the best way to approach it. The only way to make a reconciliation work is to objectively solve the problems and issues from the first and second tries. You can't expect a different result if you just rush in and sprinkle emotions and "I love you's" on the problem. But i'm starting to realize that maybe if the problems we get sorted out, won't be enough? I mean... it's been very hard on me. I have a lot of doubt, and I don't think it'll ever go away. From all of the things he has done to me in the past, I just don't feel as though I can ever fully be comfortable with him again. Although they always take some work to maintain, relationships should ideally feel "easy"...they shouldn't bring added stress to your life...they should enrich an already happy life...but it seems like even if all the problems on the surface are resolved, you will always have the nagging, lingering doubts in your mind...you will analyze every step of the relationship, every single thing he does, wondering what the f*ck is happening now...if there's anything anything at all... You know the saying, easy to forgive, impossible to forget... I do give him credit, he has been working harder than ever to prove his love for me. But sometimes, the little things, will trigger my doubts all over again. ...... Exactly! And it didn't happen once, it happened twice. He is saying all of the things to me that he usually says. This time, though, he is backing his words up with actions. Something he has never really done before. I do give him a lot of credit for that, and i've told him many times that I acknoweledge the effort he is putting forth and I am grateful for it. Umm...does he want a cookie...? You shouldn't "reward" someone with a relationship with you just because they're being good... Another good reason for taking it slow...you have to gauge his actions over a long period of time, not just a month or two... It's easy to "be good" for a little while, before natural behavior sets back in...you know this... But the point is, you should be with him because you want to be with him...not because he wants to be with you...only desperate people will attach to someone just because their partners want to be with them...and you obviously do not fit that profile... It's been about a month, and at first I didn't give it the time of day (since he was the one proving to me that he wants to be with me). Then I started becoming emotionally invested, once again. That's when my doubts felt as though they were consuming me. I'm basically waiting for him to screw it up, and any little thing he does... leads me to believe that that's what he's doing. If this is the case, then this is a pretty easy one. From your perspective, is that truly how you want to live...? Always on watch, lying in wait for him to screw it up? This will stress you out a lot more than you think... And then from his perspective, if I knew I was put on notice for everything I did and said, I'd be outtie...deuces...peace... There are too many other awesome people out there, so why would I want to live my life tiptoeing around, hoping I don't hit a mine...? It's really not fair to either party to approach any relationship in that manner... Ugh, so I just found out that he lied to me. It's not over something big, but it was something that I was having doubts about. Something he has pulled in the past. I was afraid this was going to happen... this is exactly what I was afraid of. Wow...and we've already found our first screwup...and things haven't even gotten started...! I love him to death, but i'm not sure if it'll ever work? Maybe we are trying to revive something that's already dead? Or maybe it'll just take time for me to feel comfortable enough that he's not doing anything to sabotage our relationship? Either way, I hate these constant feelings of doubt and second guessing that i've been consumed with lately. Well, I think it's pretty obvious where I stand on this issue...but if it's really something you want to pursue, then it ultimately comes down to you balancing the good and bad...will your life be better if he's in the picture? Or you could use my litmus test...can you imagine yourselves sitting out in your rocking chairs on the front porch when you're both 70 years old, and does that image put a smile on your face...?
HeavenOrHell Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 I feel that you're lucky at least you're getting the chance to try again, what I would give for that chance. Do you feel in your heart that you want to be together and that it can work?
dietpepsi Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 It is understandable that he needs to prove himself to you. If he has dumped you twice that's and understood. (if i understand correctly) However that being said, relationships still need to be 50/50, and your part in all of this is to work through your fears and doubts, just as he is working, it will require work on your part, if you don't think you will be able to, you may want to consider the painful alternative and begin the healing early. However if you are able, you guys may be able to forge a stronger relationship than ever before. You may want to explain to him how you are feeling, and what work is required on your part to reciprocate his efforts, help him understand. Good luck to you.
USMCHokie Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 However that being said, relationships still need to be 50/50, and your part in all of this is to work through your fears and doubts, just as he is working, it will require work on your part, if you don't think you will be able to, you may want to consider the painful alternative and begin the healing early. Dietpepsi brings up a very good point that I failed to address earlier...yes, he left you, so it should be expected that he needs to show that he is ready and willing to work on the relationship and stay with you...but if you maintain that unbalanced power dynamic throughout the relationship, where he constantly needs to prove his worth, it will be doomed to fail... You have work to do as well, just as he does...and until you can re-establish that balance between the two of you, if it's even possible at this point, then a successful relationship, you cannot have...
Author EricaH329 Posted January 27, 2010 Author Posted January 27, 2010 Ok, this is going to be a really long post. Erica, I just woke up. Going to get ready and head into my office / lab and I'll definitely spend sometime reading / thinking on this one for you. Regardless (even tho I haven't read it) be strong. You know how amazing you are... I wouldn't stay up (when I'm not sick as a dog) till 3am talking with you and kelvin. And I caught the Freudian slip! "Dr...." Awww! I'll be waiting for your response! What was it that he lied about? Ok, as I said before it's not really a big deal, just something he has had problems with in the past. Him and I are very far away from eachother right now since he is in the military and stationed overseas. There is a 14 hour time difference. That's ok most of the time because I don't get off of work until extremely late at night, which would be the evening for him. So we only have a little bit of a time window to talk on the phone. Yesterday he told he was going to call me. We talk for 10 minutes online, and tells me that he won't be able to call me, because he's going to take a nap and he'll talk to me in a couple of days. I was looking at his facebook page over the next couple of hours, and noticing that he is actively on it. So, he wasn't taking a nap. He was on the computer. He has pulled this sooooo much in the past it's not even funny. He would constantly lie to me about what he was doing, sort of to dodge calling me. Granted, he would lie to a more serious extent in the past. But we are trying to work through everything, I don't understand why he would do that, and it's hurtful. I think that he is going about the second (or third?) chance in the right way, doing whatever it takes right now. But only you know if he's doing A LOT more than he did in the past. Second or Third chances don't work unless both people are willing to work out the issues that lead you to break up in the first place. I know you were engaged as well and that brings it to a different level. You might be able to change the problems that lead to your break up but you can't ever change the true essence of who he really is. If that's the person you fell in love with, take it slow. If it's not, you need to turn the page permanently. He is my first true love. But i'm having a very hard time believing that he has truly changed. The problems that led to our breakup the first two times were the same thing. And this little incident that he just lied about, is a small example of just that. My doubts are running on overtime. I'm not sure if i'll ever be able to trust him enough to have a healthy relationship with him. I don't know if this is going to take time for me to 'warm up' to, or if this will stay with me forever. I do love him and want to be with him. This was the man that I was going to marry, and I don't take that lightly. This is definitely the best way to approach it. The only way to make a reconciliation work is to objectively solve the problems and issues from the first and second tries. You can't expect a different result if you just rush in and sprinkle emotions and "I love you's" on the problem. Exactly!! At first he wanted to rush into the relationship with me, and once I told him that I didn't want it to happen like that, he agreed and is now actually glad we are taking things slow. He said that he hasn't been this happy in a very long time, and he doesn't want to screw it up. But my doubts are still there. Although they always take some work to maintain, relationships should ideally feel "easy"...they shouldn't bring added stress to your life...they should enrich an already happy life...but it seems like even if all the problems on the surface are resolved, you will always have the nagging, lingering doubts in your mind...you will analyze every step of the relationship, every single thing he does, wondering what the f*ck is happening now...if there's anything anything at all... You know the saying, easy to forgive, impossible to forget... So true!!! And while I agree with you that relationships should be easy, I believe that the ones that need to be worked on in order to work are hard. We are working on them though, in hopes that one day it'll be easy again. But you are right. I am terrified of always having these thoughts in the back of my head. They might go away over time, but i've been seriously hurt by him twice before, and he did the same thing both times... so you can see why i'd be extremely hesitant going into this situation. Umm...does he want a cookie...? You shouldn't "reward" someone with a relationship with you just because they're being good... Another good reason for taking it slow...you have to gauge his actions over a long period of time, not just a month or two... It's easy to "be good" for a little while, before natural behavior sets back in...you know this... I try to let everyone know when they are doing something that I appreciate. Him, you sort of have to reinforce. So that he knows he is doing the right thing and not messing anything up. In the past, when we were living together, none of the issues that we have now were ever issues. Only since he left for the military did they become something serious. I don't know what happened, or why... but these things seriously damaged our past relationships. And now i'm skeptical about this whole situation. But the point is, you should be with him because you want to be with him...not because he wants to be with you...only desperate people will attach to someone just because their partners want to be with them...and you obviously do not fit that profile... I do want to be with him. I've wanted to be with him more than anything since we first broke up. But i'm having a hard time figuring out whether these feelings that I have are going to stay. I'm having a very hard time trusting him. This sucks!!! If this is the case, then this is a pretty easy one. From your perspective, is that truly how you want to live...? Always on watch, lying in wait for him to screw it up? This will stress you out a lot more than you think... And then from his perspective, if I knew I was put on notice for everything I did and said, I'd be outtie...deuces...peace... There are too many other awesome people out there, so why would I want to live my life tiptoeing around, hoping I don't hit a mine...? It's really not fair to either party to approach any relationship in that manner... No, I most certainly do not want to live my life like that. And you are right, relationships shouldn't begin with doubts. Unfortunatly, since this is a 'third chance' there will be baggage right out of the gate. We have so much negative history together (and positive) that it'd be dumb of me not to go into this being cautious. Well, I think it's pretty obvious where I stand on this issue...but if it's really something you want to pursue, then it ultimately comes down to you balancing the good and bad...will your life be better if he's in the picture? Or you could use my litmus test...can you imagine yourselves sitting out in your rocking chairs on the front porch when you're both 70 years old, and does that image put a smile on your face...? Yes!! It does!! I feel like maybe the only way for this relationship to work is for me to push all of my fears aside. I've already emotionally invested myself in this, all my fears are going to do is cause more stress to myself. If this end, regardless of my fears, I will be in pain. So why do I drag myself through added stress? I'm being cautious, which is a good thing... to an extent... but I feel that maybe, now more than ever, I need to put my trust into him. He already knows this is the last chance that he has to prove himself. If it doesn't work, then i'm done. If he screws this up, then he will have to live with that for the rest of his life. I'm seriously having a hard time dealing with the added stress this is causing me. I need to either break it off with him (which I don't want to do) or fully open myself up again. Either way... pain central is the next stop.
Author EricaH329 Posted January 27, 2010 Author Posted January 27, 2010 It is understandable that he needs to prove himself to you. If he has dumped you twice that's and understood. (if i understand correctly) However that being said, relationships still need to be 50/50, and your part in all of this is to work through your fears and doubts, just as he is working, it will require work on your part, if you don't think you will be able to, you may want to consider the painful alternative and begin the healing early. However if you are able, you guys may be able to forge a stronger relationship than ever before. You may want to explain to him how you are feeling, and what work is required on your part to reciprocate his efforts, help him understand. Good luck to you. Dietpepsi brings up a very good point that I failed to address earlier...yes, he left you, so it should be expected that he needs to show that he is ready and willing to work on the relationship and stay with you...but if you maintain that unbalanced power dynamic throughout the relationship, where he constantly needs to prove his worth, it will be doomed to fail... You have work to do as well, just as he does...and until you can re-establish that balance between the two of you, if it's even possible at this point, then a successful relationship, you cannot have... You are both soooooo right!!! I have been working on my issues, but what i'm just now realizing... is that i'm learning how to deal with the doubt and insecurities that I have, instead of working on the doubt and insecurities themselves. Sort of like, i'm working around the problem, instead of on the problem.
USMCHokie Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 Ok, as I said before it's not really a big deal, just something he has had problems with in the past. Him and I are very far away from eachother right now since he is in the military and stationed overseas. There is a 14 hour time difference. That's ok most of the time because I don't get off of work until extremely late at night, which would be the evening for him. So we only have a little bit of a time window to talk on the phone. I will only address this issue for now due to time constraints. I will respond to the rest of your ramblings a little later tonight. I didn't know the guy was military...that changes things quite a bit... In order for any relationship with a service member to be successful, each partner must have the utmost trust and respect for each other. A stronger trust than in strictly civilian relationships. It takes a VERY SPECIAL person to be with a military member in the long run... You're going to have to go through deployments and being separated for long periods of time, whether due to change in duty station, career schools, or TDY/TAD...you absolutely cannot have the dependent staying back at home wondering what the hell their partner is doing god knows where and with who...and you can't have the service member deployed in theater constantly worried about Suzie Rottencrotch back at home... Having any doubts or trust issues in the relationship is not fair to either party and will eventually lead to problems later that may cause infidelity (which is actually a crime in the military, which I think is f'in awesome and should be instituted in civil law) and/or divorce... You absolutely cannot start off again with any doubts...given the situation, I cannot see that these doubts can be alleviated just like that...you two have a history, and it will be hard to put the past feelings aside...so it will a lot of work on your part as well to make this work... I'll have more a little later...
Author EricaH329 Posted January 27, 2010 Author Posted January 27, 2010 I will only address this issue for now due to time constraints. I will respond to the rest of your ramblings a little later tonight. I didn't know the guy was military...that changes things quite a bit... In order for any relationship with a service member to be successful, each partner must have the utmost trust and respect for each other. A stronger trust than in strictly civilian relationships. It takes a VERY SPECIAL person to be with a military member in the long run... You're going to have to go through deployments and being separated for long periods of time, whether due to change in duty station, career schools, or TDY/TAD...you absolutely cannot have the dependent staying back at home wondering what the hell their partner is doing god knows where and with who...and you can't have the service member deployed in theater constantly worried about Suzie Rottencrotch back at home... Having any doubts or trust issues in the relationship is not fair to either party and will eventually lead to problems later that may cause infidelity (which is actually a crime in the military, which I think is f'in awesome and should be instituted in civil law) and/or divorce... You absolutely cannot start off again with any doubts...given the situation, I cannot see that these doubts can be alleviated just like that...you two have a history, and it will be hard to put the past feelings aside...so it will a lot of work on your part as well to make this work... I'll have more a little later... I totally understand what you mean. My father was in the military for quite some time, and the majority of my male friends are currently in the military. I understand that there is only so much he can do to actually work on the relationship, and i've accepted that. Like I said, there is a small window of time in which we can talk on the phone. And when he lies to me and tells me he has to do something, and then doesn't do it just to not talk to me on the phone, makes me upset. I have given up a lot for him. I had the opportunity to move back to Boston and have a great job, and go back to school. I didn't do that because he wasn't comfortable with me doing that. I've also stayed here, at home, because this is where he feels most comfortable with me being. I sacrifice a lot for this relationship, and all I expect in return is a little bit of time to talk to him. Ugh, i'm getting frustrated.
USMCHokie Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 (edited) I have given up a lot for him. I had the opportunity to move back to Boston and have a great job, and go back to school. I didn't do that because he wasn't comfortable with me doing that. I've also stayed here, at home, because this is where he feels most comfortable with me being. I sacrifice a lot for this relationship, and all I expect in return is a little bit of time to talk to him. Ugh, i'm getting frustrated. I am absolutely floored that I just read that... I know you love the guy, but if anyone had the audacity to say that to me...wow... That not only screams selfishness, but also stupidity on his part...I merely speculate here, but it really sounds like he'd be threatened by your success... This only confirms my views from the thread I started about the appeal of military men... Don't hate me... Edited January 27, 2010 by USMCHokie
dietpepsi Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 Wow, the plot just thickened for me after reading those few posts. I didn't really grab the gravity before, and I'm not a military person, but I can see the hardships much clearer that are facing your relationship.
Author EricaH329 Posted January 27, 2010 Author Posted January 27, 2010 I am absolutely floored that I just read that... I know you love the guy, but if anyone had the audacity to say that to me...wow... That not only screams selfishness, but also stupidity on his part...I merely speculate here, but it really sounds like he'd be threatened by your success... This only confirms my views from the thread I started about the appeal of military men... Don't hate me... I could never hate you!! I do regret not doing it. I could be much, much better off right now. But I understand that a LDR comes with a lot of compromises. That was mine. I don't want him to be in another country and wondering what i'm doing, where I am, or who i'm with every second of every day. I know it's hard enough on him already. And I truly hate when I bring up the whole talking on the phone issue. I don't want to cause him stress. But by me not causing him stress, it just adds onto the stress that i'm already dealing with. I don't know. I don't know what to do, or how to act, or even what to say. Wow, the plot just thickened for me after reading those few posts. I didn't really grab the gravity before, and I'm not a military person, but I can see the hardships much clearer that are facing your relationship. It's difficult. Very difficult.
CaliGuy Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 I'm not sure if i'm in the right frame of mind to give my opinions to you since what is going on for you right now i'd DIE to have!! It is understandable that you have these doubts and it's difficult to shake them off since you have been hurt so badly by this one person. The trust that they will treasure and fight for the relationship has been broken by him leaving you in the first place. However my bargaining point is that, if you avoid this realtionship with him and start a new one with another man, there would be other problems as well that might lead to the breakup of the relationship. Why not try to work on this one as you can already identify what went wrong in the first place. Urrrgh did you guys go NC after the breakup? How I wish my ex would come back to me.. Disagree. Starting fresh with someone new means there is no basis of doubt and distrust until proven otherwise. Trying to make something work the second time around is much harder than the first.... The doubt will never go away completely. Ever. If they would walk away once, what's to stop them from doing it again? Who wants to be in a relationship where the trust level is never at an acceptable level? OP, if I were you, I'd probably walk away now....
annxxdisaster Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 Not that I don't agree with your advice you gave to the OP, it sounds to me too like she's just setting herself up for disaster. But being in any relationship, second time, first time, twentieth time around--don't we ALWAYS run the risk of someone walking out on us? Hopefully we don't walk into any relationship assuming the other person will leave us.
USMCHokie Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 I could never hate you!! Love is a dish best served cold. Take that as a warning... I do regret not doing it. I could be much, much better off right now. But I understand that a LDR comes with a lot of compromises. That was mine. I don't want him to be in another country and wondering what i'm doing, where I am, or who i'm with every second of every day. Wow...my opinion of this guy already...well...yea... And I didn't want to go there (I actually edited it out of my initial post), but I'm willing to bet the farm that this guy is enlisted...not that it matters, but it wouldn't surprise me... But that was mighty gracious of you to sacrifice all that you did in the name of compromise...and what the hell did he give up, pray tell...? You were worried that he'd be wondering where you were, what you were doing, and who you were with?!?!? W...T...F...?!? If he was that insecure to request that you stay on lockdown while he's in theater, then he's got other issues well beyond this relationship... That's what makes military relationships so difficult and unique...the two individuals MUST possess the strength of character and integrity to trust and be trusted when they are separated. The fact that he didn't want you to move to Boston to do your thing and make your life better shows me two things: (1) he doesn't trust you; and/or (2) he is so insecure that he is incapable of trusting. The second one is a MUCH worse character trait. I know it's hard enough on him already. And I truly hate when I bring up the whole talking on the phone issue. I don't want to cause him stress. But by me not causing him stress, it just adds onto the stress that i'm already dealing with. Some folks aren't cut out for the military...and some folks aren't cut out for serious relationships...but MANY folks aren't cut out for both... A lot of people in the military now have no business being there...for whatever reason, they decided to join...but they are either physically or more often mentally incapable of handling the rigors of the lifestyle...you know all those suicide cases and crazy folk...? They should have never been in the military to begin with...not to say that subject guy shouldn't be in the military, but he's got issues... But yes, of course it is a very stressful environment. If he has difficulty dealing with things as they are even without the relationship issues, then maybe he isn't ready to handle a relationship. And you definitely shouldn't be catering to that. I know you love him, blah blah blah, but seriously...? Is that how you want to live your life? Taking on the stress, responsibility and burden of the relationship for two people just because he either can't handle it or doesn't feel like dealing with it? I don't know. I don't know what to do, or how to act, or even what to say. You don't need all the answers now...like you said, you're taking this slow...continue to live your life and have fun and don't let all of this mess stress you out...take each step as it comes and only when it comes...
D-Lish Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 Erica, in light of the fact that he is claiming to want to make things work, his lie isn't a small one...Or least it shouldn't be in your eyes. It just demonstrates that after a short period of time, he is failing to follow through- AGAIN. That's indicative of past patterns. If making things work was truly a priority for him, he would have made the effort to call- or rather, he never would have viewed communicating with you as effort. The time to act is now, when you aren't fully invested yet again.
Author EricaH329 Posted January 28, 2010 Author Posted January 28, 2010 Thank you everyone for your advice!!! You have all brought up extremely good points. I woke up this morning to two texts and an e-mail from him saying that he misses talking to me, and he wants to call me whenever I woke up. I asked him how his 'nap' was, and instead of responding the correct way, he said 'Baby, I did take a nap!'. That's when I told him that I knew he was lying, and I wasn't dealing with it. That's the last I heard from him. So I don't know what's going to happen from this point on, but i'm not making the effort anymore. I'm sick of this.
Beeotch Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 As most of you know, my ex came back to me telling me that he will do anything to work on our relationship so that we can be back together again. We have both decided that taking it slow is the best for now. We are not together, we are currently trying to work out the problems that we both had in the past and trying to grow and become stronger as a couple. But i'm starting to realize that maybe if the problems we get sorted out, won't be enough? I mean... it's been very hard on me. I have a lot of doubt, and I don't think it'll ever go away. From all of the things he has done to me in the past, I just don't feel as though I can ever fully be comfortable with him again. I do give him credit, he has been working harder than ever to prove his love for me. But sometimes, the little things, will trigger my doubts all over again. It's been about a month, and at first I didn't give it the time of day (since he was the one proving to me that he wants to be with me). Then I started becoming emotionally invested, once again. That's when my doubts felt as though they were consuming me. I'm basically waiting for him to screw it up, and any little thing he does... leads me to believe that that's what he's doing. I love him to death, but i'm not sure if it'll ever work? Maybe we are trying to revive something that's already dead? Or maybe it'll just take time for me to feel comfortable enough that he's not doing anything to sabotage our relationship? Either way, I hate these constant feelings of doubt and second guessing that i've been consumed with lately. I soooo know the feeling! I'm really sleepy right now but after my nap I'll come back and give a response.
Beeotch Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 (edited) It's a lot more difficult than it seems, trying to rebuild something that was broken. But I understand what you mean.That is the complete truth girl! I remember you were giving me advice on my situation where I had similar concerns with my ex....who by the way after showing up in December and breaking up with his rebound and all these things and came back and said he wanted to get me to trust him again etc, is now currently in his SECOND rebound relationship...not even a month after showing up. I was going to post that whole saga....but I decided to release it so I didnt even bother to make a post about it. What I will say about that is that if I was unsure if he had issues before, I know now more than ever that he does. He came back, sort of admitted his issues, I guess somehow thought that would be enough and I would run into his arms but I didn't. I tried to get him to address it...which is hard...so he runs away and jumps even more more quickly into another hot mess to once again avoid himself and the truth. I have no words for that situation at alll.....none. ANYWAY....based on my experience and feelings, I would say, TRUST YOURSELF. Through my entire saga with my ex my intuition, God, the universe has guided me. It is HARD to listen sometimes, but thus far I realize everything I have ever thought or felt came to pass. When he showed up in December, I KNEW he really wasnt ready and he still had to go on his path of nonsense. I still gave him the time of day and this is what happened. I had "warning" though....I felt it. Soo if you feel like something is amiss, and I think I read where you said you felt he was lying and you found out he was.....then step away from the situation. I distinctly remember before going out with him and while with him I was thinking "OMG why am I doing this?" and NOW I completely realize that my intuition was warning me about what was to come. I now realize, that nothing can be rushed, Trying to do things before their time means they will NOT work out. If you and your ex should reconcile, then it is gonna happen within its own time. If you feel uncomfortable...you should perhaps take some time for yourself or change how the reconciliation is going forward, or something that makes you feel comfortable. It is sooo weird how sometimes the thing we THINK we want most, when it is happening it is not all that it's cracked up to be. And just letting go is super scary. Which is what I am TRULY trying to now. To be honest, I don't feel this sense of "this is it" with my ex and for me I trust my feelings cuz as I said, so far they have been spot-on, BUT at the same time, I am soooooooooo TIRED of the uncertainty, the back & forth, the heart ache so I rather move forward with my life WITHOUT him. I feel like if it is in the universe's plan then eventually I will be put in a situation where I MUST deal with it...but for now, no. When trust is lost...it is sometimes better to move on . It doesn't even become about this person and their issues anymore, but it is also about you now. No matter the sorry, the seeming effort, you are still going to have this anxiety, this fear, this distrust and it is really unfair to both people. In that case, to me it is better to move forward and start fresh with someone else versus perhaps living in the past or feeling obligated to give them a chance because they're sorry. You lose that comfort you had before they betrayed you...I completely know the feeling. I can't see how my ex and I would ever work again. I honestly feel like it would HAVE to be divine intervention because I simply have NO trust in him and the WORK that would go into building a relationship seems sooo daunting and not worth it. I too started to reinvest emotionally and he walked away again without even explaining it....I get that he has issues...but I can't put myself through that. I would rather meet someone new, take these lessons with me and start on a clean slate because as much as you try to make it a clean slate with your ex, sometimes you can stilll seee what was written before. It is really tempting to go back to "the devil you already know" versus stepping into the unknown but you have to be courageous and do it. That is what I am doing now. I admit it is comforting to imagine that my ex will change and we can just work on stuff and be better since I already know him...but actually already knowing that person is sometimes worst because you cant get a completely clean slate. It is scary to imagine the future since we can't see it. I KNOW I can and will most likely meet someone who is better suited for me than my ex, but because that is not the case at the moment...looking into that unknown distance is so difficult and to turn back and go back to this person seems better...but as you have seen, it really isnt. You are better off dealing with the unknown than going back for more and more heart ache. Soooo weigh it all and trust your feelings! And don't be afraid to slow down, pull back etc. Edited January 29, 2010 by Beeotch
Beeotch Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 Disagree. Starting fresh with someone new means there is no basis of doubt and distrust until proven otherwise. Trying to make something work the second time around is much harder than the first.... The doubt will never go away completely. Ever. If they would walk away once, what's to stop them from doing it again? Who wants to be in a relationship where the trust level is never at an acceptable level? OP, if I were you, I'd probably walk away now.... I very much agree.
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