Wedding Rings??

January 29, 2010

Its interesting....Neither H or I wear wedding bands. H hasn't worn his since about 5 years in when he lost it. I forget what he was doing when he took it, but something physical. He was really upset about it too, but mainly because it wasn't a cheap ring, unlike my band. I took mine off during the summers because my hands would swell. And then two summers ago I took it off while in the car, and left it in the car and someone broke in to my car and that and the change in my door was all they took. I wasn't as upset because mine was cheap.

But even before mine got lost I went ages without wearing it. I left it at his parents house one time visiting and it took a year to get it back because we lived overseas and I didn't go back for a year. My mother in law was worried about me not wearing it, and got upset when I said it was no big deal.

But we did get in an arguement with someone as to whjether we were married or not because we didn't wear rings, and neither of us are loveydovey out in public. We use to go play poker a lot at a local bar and this woman was like "I see you two out all the time, and you don't talk much with each other, you walk in together but you don't stay together you don't wear rings etc" and just refused to believe it until everyone else was like "yeah they are". Its just not who and what we are.

So there was no ring to worry about during his affair. He didn't text me as much as he usually does on the one weekend I know they spent together. Which makes me wonder about another weekend too, because he didn't text me much during that weekend. And usually when he's out of town, he's always texting me. When we go out we usually text too. We don't touch each other while out because, well, we both turn each other one pretty quickly, and that's kinda private.

CCL

January 29, 2010

Let me see, here is a MM who is lying to his wife. What is so surprising about wearing the wedding ring being part of that lie?

Actually I was thinking more along the lines of lying to himself.

It takes quite a bit of rationalization to get to this state. Some of us are very convincing when lying to ourselves.

January 29, 2010

The ring means nothing to serial cheaters while they are cheating. It means everything once they decide to stop cheating' date=' it seems.[/quote']

Interesting you say that. When I first saw my MM after returning from his honeymoon, I immediately looked at his hand, it was on my car door, and I couldn't take my eyes off the ring. He picked up his hand, pointed to that finger and said, "this means nothing." I didn't know what to make of it then, & really don't make much of it now.

January 30, 2010

Actually I was thinking more along the lines of lying to himself.

It takes quite a bit of rationalization to get to this state. Some of us are very convincing when lying to ourselves.

I've noticed.

January 30, 2010

Leaving a M - particularly one of some length, or one with kids involved - is not a simple thing, and not something to be taken lightly.

Taking off a wedding ring is a simple, quick but (potentially) very symbolic act. If a MM can't even be arsed to do that, some OWs think, how much concern is he demonstrating for the OW's feelings? It's a bit like having the W lying in the bed with you, perhaps - not participating, but just lying there... Not an issue for some, but a big issue for others.

My MM wore his when I was still M. When I D'd and took it off, he decided to take his off because he thought it would honor ME in public to do so. He didn't want people thinking I was out with a MM and those were his words. When I was M, he thought wearing his would look like he was M to me in the eyes of those who saw us together even though our rings didn't match. Then again, since his W's upgrade, their rings don't match either.

I enjoyed that he thought to take it off on his own when he noticed that I took mine off after D. He has a tan line you can see for miles but he did it anyway.

January 30, 2010

NiD, totally agree with you.

These MM who have affairs - long term or short term - ring or not ring - are still married.

I can consult all the books in the world, but until there are stamped divorce papers, they are still married.

And for the most part, these men go home to their wives. None of these OW have a clue what goes on in their homes, no matter how much they like to convince themselves they do.

MM who have long term affairs aren't conflicted in my mind. They are cake eaters. They are cowards. They don't really want a commitment to their OW or else they would get a divorce.

I get a MM who starts an affair and doesn't get a divorce within the first 5 minutes of the affair, but a guy who keeps the OW hanging for years , IMHO, they aren't trying to make a decision about their marriage. They already made the decision -- they are staying put.

I mean, really, how long does it take to end a marriage? Uncontested, with kids - a year of living separate and apart. I do get that unraveling a marriage takes time, but in many of these long term affairs, these MM haven't even taken a first step -- which is being honest with their wives and telling them they want to separate.

Which is what makes them cowards or cake eaters, in my view. I also think it is disrespectful to keep a woman hanging on and waiting, and waiting, and waiting for them when these men know full well these OW want them fulltime and aren't just in it for a FWB thing.

January 30, 2010

I can consult all the books in the world, but until there are stamped divorce papers, they are still married.

And for the most part, these men go home to their wives. None of these OW have a clue what goes on in their homes, no matter how much they like to convince themselves they do.

MM who have long term affairs aren't conflicted in my mind. They are cake eaters. They are cowards. They don't really want a commitment to their OW or else they would get a divorce.

I get a MM who starts an affair and doesn't get a divorce within the first 5 minutes of the affair, but a guy who keeps the OW hanging for years , IMHO, they aren't trying to make a decision about their marriage. They already made the decision -- they are staying put.

I mean, really, how long does it take to end a marriage? Uncontested, with kids - a year of living separate and apart. I do get that unraveling a marriage takes time, but in many of these long term affairs, these MM haven't even taken a first step -- which is being honest with their wives and telling them they want to separate.

Which is what makes them cowards or cake eaters, in my view. I also think it is disrespectful to keep a woman hanging on and waiting, and waiting, and waiting for them when these men know full well these OW want them fulltime and aren't just in it for a FWB thing.

Fooled is totally correct on this as I was the MM and I do have to admit I was cake eating the first two years of my affair. I knew I didn't want to be married but I was still there. As for taking the first steps I totally agree with long term affairs they have already made a decision and that's them staying put.

In my previous post they are still married regardless of a ring or not.

January 30, 2010

I've noticed.

LOL. Was this supposed to be a not-so-subtle jab at me?

I'm not living in LaLaLand, so I have no reason to lie to myself. I think everyone here would agree, even if they disagree with what I said, that it was in no means a rationalization of any type.

He is still married. Its hilarious that he says he's not married just when he's with you. I guess that would mean that he's divorced when he's with his W. He's in denial of some pretty basic facts. Until he gets divorced from his W, ring or not, he's married even when he's with you.

And, believe me, I'm not saying this to convince you of anything. You have said over and again that I don't know him, and I don't. With all this talk of this being a split-self affair from you, wouldn't you agree that even he doesn't "know himself"?

January 30, 2010

This thread got me to thinking about my Engaged Man. I was seeing him off and on for a few years, before he got engaged to the girl that I was helping him cheat on.

I heard through the grapevine that he asked her to marry him. But I was going to wait until he told me before I ended things. You know, not all engagements end in marriage was my logic. I only had the knowledge for a few hours when I saw her in a grocery store with this HUGE rock on her finger. She saw me looking at it, and cut me a look.

Needless to say, it was over for us. Whether their engagement led to marriage or not, I was not hanging around to find out. He might not have been wearing a ring, but I now knew that he was engaged and our relationship was over.

January 30, 2010

In a way I can sort of understand the logic..SO and I met online, and I am not proud to say we were both married at that point. When we decided it was time to meet IRL, it was to see if what we had was real and not just some online fantasy. That weekend, SO did not wear his wedding ring, and he said it was because that weekend was about us and if we were the real deal, and because of that it would have been disrespectful to me to wear a ring given to him by his wife.

So in that sense, I get it. I really do.

At the same time I just sort of shake my head, because in the situation being discussed, this is clearly not the case. After that weekend, D-Day ended up happening to us almost immediately (my ex figured things out) and SO's response was to immediately leave his wife and file for divorce.

If someone truly plans to leave their spouse to be with you, it doesn't take years of preparation, it just takes packing a bag and walking out the door. The rest can be sorted out later.

Actions speak louder than words, however pretty those words might be.

January 30, 2010

In a way I can sort of understand the logic..SO and I met online, and I am not proud to say we were both married at that point. When we decided it was time to meet IRL, it was to see if what we had was real and not just some online fantasy. That weekend, SO did not wear his wedding ring, and he said it was because that weekend was about us and if we were the real deal, and because of that it would have been disrespectful to me to wear a ring given to him by his wife.

So in that sense, I get it. I really do.

At the same time I just sort of shake my head, because in the situation being discussed, this is clearly not the case. After that weekend, D-Day ended up happening to us almost immediately (my ex figured things out) and SO's response was to immediately leave his wife and file for divorce.

If someone truly plans to leave their spouse to be with you, it doesn't take years of preparation, it just takes packing a bag and walking out the door. The rest can be sorted out later.

Actions speak louder than words, however pretty those words might be.

I get it too, but I agree with your last sentence. Actions speak louder than words. The only action so far is the taking off of the ring when in the presence of their AP, not the filing for divorce that most are waiting for. And that's the action that everyone would rather see happen.

January 30, 2010

And for the most part, these men go home to their wives. None of these OW have a clue what goes on in their homes, no matter how much they like to convince themselves they do.

MM who have long term affairs aren't conflicted in my mind. They are cake eaters. They are cowards. They don't really want a commitment to their OW or else they would get a divorce.

There is so much truth in this when I consider the affair I had. The ex-OM assumed things were bad at home between my H and I and that the only man who could make me really happy was him. However whilst I did go through tremendous amount of conflict, in the end I did not want to leave my marriage.

One thing that strikes me about wearing/not wearing the wedding rings is that if the WS takes the rings off, it could be because they are remembering that they are married (and not because they are "not married" when with the OM/OW). They could also be taking them off not out of respect to the OM/OW but out of some (admittedly twisted) respect for their spouse - the ring is a symbol of the marriage and it may feel like it is adding to the betrayal if the rings are being worn.

January 30, 2010

My xMM never wore a ring, I just assumed he didn't have one but since DDay his W has made him wear one, it doesn't fit anymore so she makes him wear it on his little finger!

January 30, 2010

My xMM never wore a ring, I just assumed he didn't have one but since DDay his W has made him wear one, it doesn't fit anymore so she makes him wear it on his little finger!

ROTFL Talk about being chained down!

January 30, 2010

They could also be taking them off not out of respect to the OM/OW but out of some (admittedly twisted) respect for their spouse - the ring is a symbol of the marriage and it may feel like it is adding to the betrayal if the rings are being worn.

I thought about this too. In the eyes of the BS which is the most disrespectful actually: wearing the ring or taking it off?

January 30, 2010

I can't answer that because as I said before rings mean nothing to me. I also couldn't answer because I think it would be different for every BS because the rings mean different things, and the WS removing the ring could mean different things to them. I think it is symbolic of the state of the marriage for the WS who completely forget they are wearing a ring until the AP notices.

CCL

January 30, 2010

I think it is symbolic of the state of the marriage for the WS who completely forget they are wearing a ring until the AP notices.

CCL

I don't know that I agree with this. I know it is looked down in this forum about people that define themselves by their marital status, but its fact of life. Single people define themselves by their status, or lack thereof, so it shouldn't be surprising that some married people do the same, IMO.

A WS that completely forgets that they are wearing a ring, is just a person that doesn't feel the need for pretenses IMO. Taking off the ring doesn't change their marital status. And it shouldn't in the mind of the AP either. They are still married.

January 30, 2010

He does not wear his when we are together; it was his choice

January 30, 2010

I have always taken my ring off when being intimate so no one would get inadvertantly scratched, even when I was with my xH. Guess my MM took that to mean something more symbolic so he always took his off too. LOL

January 30, 2010

I have always taken my ring off when being intimate so no one would get inadvertantly scratched, even when I was with my xH. Guess my MM took that to mean something more symbolic so he always took his off too. LOL

LOL :laugh:

January 31, 2010

my wedding ring never was a big deal for me. actually i have two. my diamond and wedding band and then just a plain band that i wear day to day. my diamond tends to get in the way, the kids slobber all over it etc. the plain band is what i wear 90% of the time.

as far as when MM was around. we never discussed our wedding bands. we knew each other was married and honestly when we were out in public i guess people just assumed we were married to each other.

H and i are separated now but i still wear my ring. i do it purposely because i dont want to appear "available" to any other men. its a conscious choice i make every day. i guess its more symbolic then i originally thought...maybe theres i reason i never took it off while with xMM.

January 31, 2010

(((((futurebutterfly)))))

How can he be annoyed at you bringing up your feelings? Doesn't he want to know what they are? How do you feel about this incident today?

February 1, 2010

The only ring I have ever seen My MM wear was his military insignia ring, and he wore that everyday, until the day he put it on my finger.. when I took it off and tried to give it back to him, he asked me to keep it. So now I wear it. But if he ever wears a wedding ring, I have never seen it. *shrug* (I have never seen signs of one either ie. tan lines, or pressure marks from wearing one)

Why were you looking for signs?

February 1, 2010

Is that your experience, Torrance? I know you were once the other woman.

I was, for about 5 mins, years ago (he wasn't actually M though). Some LSers on this board were great-told me harsh words that I needed to hear, that made me realize what crap the guy in question was spouting and how I was wasting my time. I had no issue with walking away and didn't miss the guy at all. I can see though, that often OW on here get quite b*tchy and aren't really into listening to some good advice.

So no, to answer your question, it wasnt my experience as he didn't have a wedding band, as he wasn't married! But you have a point in that everyone who has ever been in an A IS with a man that doesn't respect them, or his family, and who is treating them like crap (and their W like crap) and who is treating them badly. Settle for less and you get less-period.

February 1, 2010

OK, I am curious now, many seem to say that the wedding ring is just a piece of jewelry, does the BS then not have any preference to whether or not the MM has it on while having sex with the OW? Which is more of a betrayal or is it just the same?

My H and I talked about our rings after dday and we came up with a little agreement that whenever we were thinking of doing something hurtful to one another or fixing to make a huge decision..we would look at our rings as a reminder of the bond we made that day..and how things will be affected on the other side of that ring. I never take mine off...but if i were going to sleep with another man and betray my H then that would be wrong to keep it on. does this make sense?

Sign In

Wedding Rings??

Recommended Posts

crazycatlady

NoIDidn't

atlnay

jennie-jennie

White Flower

fooled once

Confused4Now

NoIDidn't

NoIDidn't

SuburbanOblivion

NoIDidn't

anne1707

hopeless4u

jennie-jennie

jennie-jennie

crazycatlady

NoIDidn't

polksaladannie

Crazyforhim

NoIDidn't

mybrowneyedgirl

jennie-jennie

FeelingLonely98

torranceshipman

BlueeyedJonesy

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...