NoIDidn't Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 Yes, the bond is broken, it is not whole. Sure it is there, but it is damaged. Okay, lets turn it around. How would you feel if your husband after Dday wore a ring his OW had given him? Would you find it exciting to have sex with him knowing that he wore this ring or would you find it an insult? You know "your" husband would have had an affair whether or not the ring was on, so why would it matter? LOL. I feel that you are grasping for straws. The OW is going to give the MM an Affair Band? Sorry, does not compute. A MM would be a fool to wear anything given to him by his OW in front of his W, much less a meaningless piece of jewelry. You have made the point that it symbolizes the marriage, but not that a ring can actually symbolize an affair. That's ridiculous.
jennie-jennie Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 LOL. I feel that you are grasping for straws. The OW is going to give the MM an Affair Band? Sorry, does not compute. A MM would be a fool to wear anything given to him by his OW in front of his W, much less a meaningless piece of jewelry. You have made the point that it symbolizes the marriage, but not that a ring can actually symbolize an affair. That's ridiculous. When I announced I was getting a divorced my ring came off. For my MW she took her's off when they first got separated and has been wearing a ring which I gave her Christmas '08 still. MW and H are still living under the same roof and no paper work has started. Apparently it does happen. So use your imagination a bit now. Would you like that?
NoIDidn't Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 Apparently it does happen. So use your imagination a bit now. Would you like that? Of course I wouldn't like that, considering I am the one married to the guy. But what I feel isn't the issue. I have an actual marriage. He wears the ring I gave him. Is that really the issue here? The fact that the W gave the MM the ring? Is that part of why him taking it off is so symbolic to the OW? Its a piece of jewelry that doesn't change his status one bit. And in the post you quoted, Confused4now says she is STILL at home with her H and hasn't filed for divorce. How is that post bolstering your defense of what seems like nothing more than insecurity in the A? Confused4Now didn't ask for his post to be broken down in this way. But I doubt her H even knows why she has that ring, if she is even wearing it at all.
jennie-jennie Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 Of course I wouldn't like that, considering I am the one married to the guy. But what I feel isn't the issue. I have an actual marriage. He wears the ring I gave him. Is that really the issue here? The fact that the W gave the MM the ring? Is that part of why him taking it off is so symbolic to the OW? And I have an actual long term relationship. I don't want the wife in my bedroom anymore than you want the other woman in yours.
NoIDidn't Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 And I have an actual long term relationship. I don't want the wife in my bedroom anymore than you want the other woman in yours. You are too much. Totally ignored the part of my post that didn't fit into your agenda. Thanks for the dialog.
2sure Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 When I was OW I had absolutely no preference to what jewelry MM would wear. But , I have to say that an OW saying MM wearing his ring being offensive or hurtful when he is with her...I mean, what do you do ...tell him, ok - take it off now , so its easier to pretend you arent married?? If you have to use that or other tactics to make yourself comfortable ...you are not as in touch with the reality of your relationship as you think. He is married and you accept that or you dont...but pretending he isnt, or by removing a piece of jewelry...really? Thats all it takes?
jennie-jennie Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 OK, I am curious now, many seem to say that the wedding ring is just a piece of jewelry, does the BS then not have any preference to whether or not the MM has it on while having sex with the OW? Which is more of a betrayal or is it just the same?
NoIDidn't Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 Its betrayal all the same. The marriage is in his heart, and mind, not on his finger.
jennie-jennie Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 (edited) Its betrayal all the same. The marriage is in his heart' date=' and mind, not on his finger.[/quote'] I guess it depends then where his heart and mind are at. If he takes off the ring only to please his OW, or if it actually is because his heart and mind have left the marriage and only his physical body is still there. Interesting, I think I will ask my MM why he takes off his wedding ring, what it means to him. Edited January 28, 2010 by jennie-jennie
NoIDidn't Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 I guess it depends then where his heart and mind are at. If he takes off the ring only to please his OW, or if it actually is because his heart and mind have left the marriage and only his physical body is still there. Interesting, I think I will ask my MM why he takes off his wedding ring, what it means to him. Good luck, Jennie. I honestly don't think he's going to tell you anything other than what he thinks you want to hear, but it should be a good conversation for you either way. When he forgot to remove it when he was naked, he tried to remove it on the sly for you. Sounds like its a bone of contention for you, and he takes it off to keep you happy. I'd be curious as to what he says about his marriage vs. his wedding band, though. My take is its just a piece of jewelry that obviously does little to keep people faithful. In your earlier example of an OW giving the MM one, would it be meant to keep the MM faithful?
jennie-jennie Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 Good luck, Jennie. I honestly don't think he's going to tell you anything other than what he thinks you want to hear, but it should be a good conversation for you either way. When he forgot to remove it when he was naked, he tried to remove it on the sly for you. Sounds like its a bone of contention for you, and he takes it off to keep you happy. I'd be curious as to what he says about his marriage vs. his wedding band, though. My take is its just a piece of jewelry that obviously does little to keep people faithful. In your earlier example of an OW giving the MM one, would it be meant to keep the MM faithful? Well, I know him and you don't. We discuss our relationship a lot, and he will tell me the most uncomfortable things if they are the truth. He did manage to take the ring off on the sly, but he told me afterwards. Is it so strange that he did not want it to impact my desire to have sex with him? He was naked, I was not, he wanted to have sex with me. He wanted to turn me on, not off. The example I gave earlier of an OW giving the MM a ring, was just to give you an incentment to figure out your feelings, no deeper thoughts about it. My MM is faithful to me without a ring, just as he is unfaithful to his wife with the ring. I know that he does not consider his house his home anymore. He feels like he belongs nowhere. And this is consistent with what I have read in Alberoni's books about WS, so I believe him.
NoIDidn't Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 Well, I know him and you don't. We discuss our relationship a lot, and he will tell me the most uncomfortable things if they are the truth. He did manage to take the ring off on the sly, but he told me afterwards. Is it so strange that he did not want it to impact my desire to have sex with him? He was naked, I was not, he wanted to have sex with me. He wanted to turn me on, not off. The example I gave earlier of an OW giving the MM a ring, was just to give you an incentment to figure out your feelings, no deeper thoughts about it. My MM is faithful to me without a ring, just as he is unfaithful to his wife with the ring. I know that he does not consider his house his home anymore. He feels like he belongs nowhere. And this is consistent with what I have read in Alberoni's books about WS, so I believe him. I didn't imply that I knew him, all I can do is deduce based on what you have said. If it doesn't wash, it doesn't wash. No skin off my back for that. I'm curious about his answers, whether they fit my assumtions or not. Its better that I don't know him, then I don't have to tell his W. What is "incentment"? The closest thing I can find is "incensement" and I don't think your goal was to enrage or infuriate me, unless that was a Freudian slip. I don't know how you reason that your MM is being faithful to you while he stays married, ring or no ring.
jennie-jennie Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 I didn't imply that I knew him, all I can do is deduce based on what you have said. If it doesn't wash, it doesn't wash. No skin off my back for that. I'm curious about his answers, whether they fit my assumtions or not. Its better that I don't know him, then I don't have to tell his W. What is "incentment"? The closest thing I can find is "incensement" and I don't think your goal was to enrage or infuriate me, unless that was a Freudian slip. I don't know how you reason that your MM is being faithful to you while he stays married, ring or no ring. LOL You got me laughing on that one. I promise, I will come back here and tell you what he answers. Faithful = only sex with me. Okay, have to look up incentment, remember English is not my first language. One moment, please. "Incitement"!
Confused4Now Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 Confused4Now didn't ask for his post to be broken down in this way. But I doubt her H even knows why she has that ring' date=' if she is even wearing it at all.[/quote']Oh I know she wears it...I see it on her hand everyday and she wears it when she goes out with her friends. It's probably more expensive than the wedding ring and its even better looking. Yes... he probably doesn't know where she got it from but I think he's got an idea.
OWoman Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 A MM would be a fool to wear anything given to him by his OW in front of his W' date=' much less a meaningless piece of jewelry. [/quote'] Mine did. All the time. Jewellery, clothing, aftershave... And it was pretty obvious where it came from, too.
Fallen Angel Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 Mine did. All the time. Jewellery, clothing, aftershave... And it was pretty obvious where it came from, too. Mine does too, though I have never given him jewelry. But he often gets new shirts from me for things like his birthday, Valentine's Day, Christmas... shirts he loves and so he wears often.
jennie-jennie Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 I asked my MM and this is what he said. A wedding ring is there to keep other women away. It represents a single bond to one woman only. He compared it to a chain. When I demanded (yes, demanded) in the beginning of our relationship that he take it off when he was with me, he was conflicted and had to make a decision whether or not to comply with my demand. He states that when he is with me he is not married, so it is correct to not wear the wedding ring. In fact he says the appropriate thing would be to not wear the wedding ring at all, since it is no longer true that he has a single bond to one woman only. He said that wearing the wedding ring (when he is not with me) is a lie to please his wife. These were his own words. They surprised me. I had not expected that.
2sure Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 If my H is having an affair or a ONS - whether or not he is wearing his wedding ring...or his watch...whatever, who cares? The betrayal , the reality, remains the same. The only thing that pissed me off about my H taking his ring off is that he was fooling unsuspecting single women. That were easily fooled I guess. But still, it was them I was pissed off for.
jennie-jennie Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 If my H is having an affair or a ONS - whether or not he is wearing his wedding ring...or his watch...whatever, who cares? The betrayal , the reality, remains the same. The only thing that pissed me off about my H taking his ring off is that he was fooling unsuspecting single women. That were easily fooled I guess. But still, it was them I was pissed off for. But your husband is a serial cheater with ONS and shorter affairs if I am not incorrect, so taking his wedding ring off is likely to mean nothing to him. For the MM in a long term relationship with a deep level of emotional involvement the action of not wearing the ring takes on a much deeper meaning.
NoIDidn't Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 But your husband is a serial cheater with ONS and shorter affairs if I am not incorrect, so taking his wedding ring off is likely to mean nothing to him. For the MM in a long term relationship with a deep level of emotional involvement the action of not wearing the ring takes on a much deeper meaning. JJ - I saw your post about what MM said about the ring. Sounds like typical MM garbage to me, but I'm sure it fit what you were expecting. Different strokes for different folks, and all that. LOL. But on the quoted above. I agree with you. My dad used to take off his ring like it was nothing. He actually put it on to attract NEW OWs, LOL. But once he re-committed to his M, he had a very hard time taking it off when she left. The ring means nothing to serial cheaters while they are cheating. It means everything once they decide to stop cheating, it seems.
Confused4Now Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 (edited) But your husband is a serial cheater with ONS and shorter affairs if I am not incorrect, so taking his wedding ring off is likely to mean nothing to him. For the MM in a long term relationship with a deep level of emotional involvement the action of not wearing the ring takes on a much deeper meaning. So here is what I have a problem with. Whether a MM is either a serial cheater or long term relationship. Both to me are bad... IMO I think the long term is worse....the fact we are both still waiting on them to make a decision or move forward only shows me that they are better at letting us hear what they have to say. Not to mention the actions they do when they are with us. Bottom line they are still married people. Just remember when my affair started I was a MM and have removed myself from my marriage for almost two years. My divorce has been final for 8 months. I can assure you I'm no Stampdaddy....I'm dating and keeping busy. Edited January 29, 2010 by Confused4Now
NoIDidn't Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 I asked my MM and this is what he said. A wedding ring is there to keep other women away. It represents a single bond to one woman only. He compared it to a chain. When I demanded (yes, demanded) in the beginning of our relationship that he take it off when he was with me, he was conflicted and had to make a decision whether or not to comply with my demand. He states that when he is with me he is not married, so it is correct to not wear the wedding ring. In fact he says the appropriate thing would be to not wear the wedding ring at all, since it is no longer true that he has a single bond to one woman only. He said that wearing the wedding ring (when he is not with me) is a lie to please his wife. These were his own words. They surprised me. I had not expected that. I thought some more about this post and wanted to add it. You demanded that he take off his ring, but he was conflicted. I wonder why he was conflicted? Now after all these years he has a ready answer with no conflict in it. Very interesting. Thanks for sharing his answer. I asked my H about the ring thing as well. We both went through periods of not wearing ours, but for different reasons. His became too small and it took a while before we found one that he liked that matched what he purchased me. I stopped wearing mine because I just hate jewelry. Funny thing was it didn't bother me that he wasn't wearing his, but it bothered him that I didn't like to wear mine. My H likes it when I wear my ring, he feels it is a sign to other men seeking my attention. He'd be correct. When I do wear it, men look at my finger immediately after seeing me before they decide to approach. Very interesting topic.
jennie-jennie Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 JJ - I saw your post about what MM said about the ring. Sounds like typical MM garbage to me, but I'm sure it fit what you were expecting. Different strokes for different folks, and all that. LOL. As I said, I know him and you don't. Sorry that your experience of MM obviously is of the lying kind. And no, I wouldn't have been surprised if he had said that he took the ring off to please me. I can have quite a temper you know.
jennie-jennie Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 Let me see, here is a MM who is lying to his wife. What is so surprising about wearing the wedding ring being part of that lie?
jennie-jennie Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 I thought some more about this post and wanted to add it. You demanded that he take off his ring, but he was conflicted. I wonder why he was conflicted? Now after all these years he has a ready answer with no conflict in it. Very interesting. Thanks for sharing his answer. My MM was very conflicted the entire first year of our relationship. He was very torn between wanting to keep his vows and not being able to do it. I believe that "ready answer with no conflict in it" has taken him four years to get to. He did state that his feelings about taking the ring off have changed throughout the years.
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