CarrieT Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 Are there any women who have no desire to spend the rest of their lives with one person? Yes, there are; Me. I was married when I was 20 because (at the time), I thought it was the thing I was supposed to do. I was divorced by 25 and since then, have had no desire to remarry. I WOULD like a responsible, respectful relationship but have no delusions that it will be the LAST relationship I will ever have.
RedDevil66 Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 I'm 43 and never wanted to get married and was in 3 long term relationships. Nor did I ever want kids My parents have been married 54 yrs and my sisters and myself have never married. Like Lizzie says, in our province, there are more common law than marriages. I was common law for 11 yrs. It worked just as well. Having said that, I'll probably never get married. Ok, well maybe when I'm 90 yrs old :-)
Author Barky Posted January 28, 2010 Author Posted January 28, 2010 Yep... she will be divorced, with half of your assets and an alimony payment rolling in every month. You're much less likely to leave me if you know I'm going to take half your stuff and all your money, plus the hassle and expense of divorce is a deterrent too. I'm not exactly sure where you are, but in most states in the US divorce is really pretty easy. And in most states the default split is 50/50, which is why it's best if both spouses earn approximately the same amount of money. And like I wrote in another post, in many states Alimony is only paid by the earning spouse to the other for a few months/years until the non-earning spouse can get a job. No longer can a woman expect to be paid for sitting around eating bon-bons the rest of her life. Plus there are also prenuptial and postnuptial agreements. If you're not dumb, and have enough money to hire a lawyer, you can negotiate a pretty good marriage deal in most US states. Though it's still best if one spouse isn't far, far richer than the other (because that spouse will almost always be taken to the cleaners.) Don't know about the rest of the world.
BettyBoop Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 When I first got engaged with my ex I did it because I wanted to have somebody who wanted to marry me - who thought that I was someone he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. I guess that is what it is for me. I realised during my engagement that unless I felt the same way about the guy - marriage isn't for me. But I want to be with someone I love and respect and who I look up to with eyes filled with love... and when women ask me who that guy is - I want to be able tell them he is my husband... I guess to me I just want it because it is special. But only with the right person. Does that make sense?
Author Barky Posted January 28, 2010 Author Posted January 28, 2010 That's fine, I'm just amazed that such a tremendously large percentage of women want the same damn thing. I mean, not every woman thinks Brad Pitt or Tom Cruise is all that attractive. Not every woman likes to paint her nails. Not every woman likes to get massages or eat chocolate or watch The Bachelor. But it seems every woman eventually wants a life-long relationship with one man, whether she calls it 'marriage' or not. Like I said, the market penetration of that institution is amazing!
SimplyBeingLoved Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 Are there any women who have no desire to spend the rest of their lives with one person? Raises hand. No desire anymore. I am monogamous, but the idea of being tied down after a relationship has run its course... does not appeal to me. And I'm not talking about the end of the infatuation stage. That's not the end at all... in fact it can be the beginning. I'm talking about a deeper fundamental shift which happens in many relationships... when the basic "reason" so-to-speak... for being together in an intimate way, doesn't exist anymore. As I said in another post, I believe many (not all.. but many) relationships have a shelf life. I honor and value each and every relationship (friendship or otherwise) that comes into my life, but that doesn't mean it has to exist in the same form forever.
ColdFox Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 I wanted to marry my husband because I loved him and he asked me. We wanted to spend our lives together, raise children, play with grandchildren, grow old. We wanted a framework to raise our kids in. We wanted to let the world know we put each other first. You know, the tax benefits etc. weren't so bad either. I wasn't especially fussed about a wedding or social pressure or religion or a big ring. Now that he is dead and gone there are some days that I wish I had never married him, never even met him, because it hurt so bad to lose him. But most of the time I am grateful for the memories. I am grateful I have our son, my baby looks so much like his daddy. I am grateful I have my wedding and engagement rings, because when I wear them I still feel like he is close to me, and I remember the look on his face when he gave them to me, how proud and happy he was. I look back on our simple little wedding and it is the most beautiful day I can remember, except for the day my son was born, which was bittersweet because his father was gone.
Holding-On Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 I wanted to be married to give my children a head start in life. I didn't want my kids to have a "weekend dad" or be raised by a single mother. Marriage isn't perfect but it's the best thing we've got that says, "I'm committed to you." I agree with this. I like the committed to you. If I'm going to pour my energy, heart, trust and "best years" into someone, I'd like to know he was going to be there for the long haul. Monogamy doesn't even enter into this for me. If my husband only had wanted to be a boyfriend, I would not have 1. had kids with him 2. moved around and through a few countries with him 3. worked so that he could take a break 4. not been gainfully employed (i.e. depending upon his ability to earn) while our children were very small 5. worked through a lot of our combined bs
Black Eyed Susan Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 I read a book recently which in part examined this issue ("Committed" by Elizabeth Gilbert). The author herslef went through a very messy divorce so she was ambivalent about marriage but she asked her single friends why they wanted to get married. The main answer seemed to be that the wanted to feel "chosen." That they were validated and that someone loved them enough to marry them. I can totally understand that. I wanted to marry my husband because I loved him, I wanted the security of marriage (although logically I know it's not really secure). And as much as you can say "I don't give a rat's arse what society thinks" people do treat you diffrently as a married couple as opposed to just living together. There is a sense that you have made a serious, grown up committment rather than just a light "we'll see how it goes" committment. BES
threebyfate Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 Okay, I'm going to try to take a better run at this. I can't explain why women want to get married, only why marriage is important to me, as an individual. Marriage represents a serious commitment between man and woman, two individuals who want to share love and life together, 24x7, sworn before whatever higher powers they believe in or must abide by, friends and family. It means to me that "He is mine and I am his", not just for now, but forever, if it's possible. It means that we stand proudly together, whether it's shoulder to shoulder or back to back. No matter what, we're together.
Sharla Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 I am a woman and I did not grow up, wanting to get married ASAP. I would never get married unless I knew without a shadow of doubt, that it was a mutual decision. Where we both knew we were right for each other and that we were both at that stage to take it to the next level. Realistically, I could get married and then down the road - end up divorced. But ideally, I only want to do it once, so it's not something I take lightly.
greatgirlfriend Posted February 2, 2010 Posted February 2, 2010 (edited) I hadn't put much thought into the idea of marriage until recently. I don't really want kids, so it seemed kinda pointless. I always liked the idea of happily unmarried forever, even if I was happily unmarried to one person forever. Just didn't see the point of going through with marriage. I always liked the idea of a ring, though...and I don't even wear jewelry. Maybe it's just romantic. But current SO has convinced me otherwise. He wants to get married and now that I've finally given it more than half a thought, I can see the benefits. And I guess it is romantic. Still don't want kids though. I too didn't give marriage much thought until the last few years. In my 20's I never wanted to marry and thought I had time. After all, most of my friends were single. Even in my early 30's most of my friends were single. Now though most are married including guys. I am a freak by still being single and it hurts. The reason I changed my mind on marriage is simple: I want to be with someone the rest of my life. My grandparents (who are in their 80's) are starting to have medical issues and they have each other. My parents in their 60's also have a great marriage. All my relatives have been married a long time, including my younger brother. I worry about when I get older and being alone. Even simple things are why I want to marry, such as grocery shopping or always having a date for family functions. Sure, living together is almost a substitute but what happens if your partner dies? Living together is not the same thing. I've done that (and probably would before I'd marry someone) but will never do it on a permanent basis again. I just wish I had figured this out in my 20's. Maybe then I'd be married instead of currently dating a guy who is having issues. I've become pretty resentful of still being single, though I never wanted to marry until a few years ago. People treat single people (especially women) horribly. I've had relatives make fun of me because of it. I also agree with the people who said about chosen. That's part of it too. Also, I think marriage is the moral thing for children (I am opposed to those who have kids out of wedlock. I feel they are immoral). Edited February 2, 2010 by greatgirlfriend
Author Barky Posted February 2, 2010 Author Posted February 2, 2010 Now though most are married including guys. I am a freak by still being single and it hurts. The reason I changed my mind on marriage is simple: I want to be with someone the rest of my life. LOL it sounds like you changed your mind on marriage because of peer pressure, and then rationalized it.
greatgirlfriend Posted February 2, 2010 Posted February 2, 2010 LOL it sounds like you changed your mind on marriage because of peer pressure, and then rationalized it. Nope, I just want to be with someone who loves me enough to commit to me. I want someone who belongs to me and me to him.
Author Barky Posted February 2, 2010 Author Posted February 2, 2010 Nope, I just want to be with someone who loves me enough to commit to me. I want someone who belongs to me and me to him. "Belongs" eh? You're deluding yourself.. BUT.. If marriage = ownership, is divorce theft?
greatgirlfriend Posted February 2, 2010 Posted February 2, 2010 It's not deluding myself. Marriage is ownership.
D-Lish Posted February 2, 2010 Posted February 2, 2010 I can tell you why many women want to get married the first time... It's because little girls are conditioned constantly to have their white dress day. We start getting pushed toward it from the time we can talk. It's like a right of passage. Me? I have done it once, and I don't care if I do it again.
CrestfallenNoMore Posted February 2, 2010 Posted February 2, 2010 I never really cared until I fell in love. I got married at 27 and was confident that I'd found "the one." Like many other divorcees, I have zero desire to do it again. I can understand why both men and women (particularly those who want children) do it, but now I'm content to never contemplate the institution again. Like Carrie T said, I'm certainly not opposed to another long-term relationship down the road, but I'm realistic enough to know that statistically, almost all of our relationships have a shelf life. But yes, I think most women have to go through a divorce before they shed the notion of the idea entirely. To expect 25-35 yr-old-never-married women to not want marriage seems analogous to beating your head against a wall.
mem11363 Posted February 2, 2010 Posted February 2, 2010 What attracts women to men? Yes a mix of things but typically provider skills are in the top 3. What attracts men to women? Well most men aren't totally shallow but looks are a big big deal. So if you aren't "locked" into a relationship with your man -via marriage - life is much riskier financially for a woman later in life. You really did already know this right? I'm wondering what the allure is regarding marriage for women. I'm a guy and do a lot of online dating, been doing it for years, and one day almost a year ago I decided to mix things up so I put on my online profile something to the effect of: "love dating, not interested in marriage" and the number of responses dropped to essentially nothing. When I removed that from the profile, responses again rose to where they were before. I could understand if, say, HALF of all women ages 25-35 really wanted to get married. But it seems like 99.9% of them do. In fact, I've dated a ton and I don't think I've ever, ever in my life run into a young woman who didn't want to eventually get married. What a popular institution! What incredible market penetration! If a company could get that high a percentage of the female population interested in its product or service, that company would be rolling in dough. So what's the allure of marriage, I don't get it, I've never wanted to be married.
Author Barky Posted February 2, 2010 Author Posted February 2, 2010 So it's all about economics? Every woman who wants to get married is planning her economic future? That's somewhat plausible EXCEPT for the fact that so many people suck at finances. 99% of women want to get married but I somehow doubt that 99% of people are effectively planning their retirement. Invest in a CD or a 401K or something fer chrissakes.
CrestfallenNoMore Posted February 2, 2010 Posted February 2, 2010 For some women, part of the reasoning could be economic, sure. There are several reasons why both men and women want to get married. Several women have responded and posted their reasons. You'll get as many answers as there are women, just as with any "why does your gender want/do...etc." type of question. Where is the continued confusion coming in? What part of your question hasn't been answered to your satisfaction?
Neutrino Posted February 2, 2010 Posted February 2, 2010 I'm wondering what the allure is regarding marriage for women. I'm a guy and do a lot of online dating, been doing it for years, and one day almost a year ago I decided to mix things up so I put on my online profile something to the effect of: "love dating, not interested in marriage" and the number of responses dropped to essentially nothing. When I removed that from the profile, responses again rose to where they were before. I could understand if, say, HALF of all women ages 25-35 really wanted to get married. But it seems like 99.9% of them do. In fact, I've dated a ton and I don't think I've ever, ever in my life run into a young woman who didn't want to eventually get married. What a popular institution! What incredible market penetration! If a company could get that high a percentage of the female population interested in its product or service, that company would be rolling in dough. So what's the allure of marriage, I don't get it, I've never wanted to be married. I suppose Lauribel is party right : some women (and pay attention to the use of the word SOME) want to have kids and stay with them at home - this means they need a house, steady income and sperm... Some men would be happy to provide that in exchange for some (motherly) care - which is easy for those women to provide because all it take is adding another kid to the list. I'm sorry for being blunt and I'm not generalizing - but many marriages look like this !! Another reason would be lazy bums looking for rich partners so they can remain lazy and get it all for nothing (applies to both men and women). A lot of women are indoctrinated to set marriage as their life's goal, however - since marriage can only be a shared goal, they pursue no independent goal for themselves like education or career or sports. IMO the most common reason is social indoctrination. Please note this post is coming from someone who has spent her entire life so far (37) kicking social conventions...
Author Barky Posted February 2, 2010 Author Posted February 2, 2010 Where is the continued confusion coming in? What part of your question hasn't been answered to your satisfaction? Well we could all explain why we like chocolate, and we'd all have a different, convincing answer. But not everyone likes chocolate, whereas it seems that pretty much all women want marriage. So to answer your question: I haven't yet seen an answer, or series of answers, that would explain why such a vast, vast, vast percentage of women want it. For example, I'd think that a large percentage of women would like to have a million dollars wired to their bank accounts. But I can understand why. I still can't understand why so many would want to get married, when it clearly is a flawed, deeply flawed, institution.
Neutrino Posted February 2, 2010 Posted February 2, 2010 Well we could all explain why we like chocolate, and we'd all have a different, convincing answer. But not everyone likes chocolate, whereas it seems that pretty much all women want marriage. So to answer your question: I haven't yet seen an answer, or series of answers, that would explain why such a vast, vast, vast percentage of women want it. For example, I'd think that a large percentage of women would like to have a million dollars wired to their bank accounts. But I can understand why. I still can't understand why so many would want to get married, when it clearly is a flawed, deeply flawed, institution. This is the power of indoctrination (I'm not saying this holds for all - but for many). People can easily be persuaded into thinking almost anything, look how many people are religious - and over thousands of years nobody ever found the slightest hint to the existence of god....
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