chica_one2002 Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 I've been best friends with a guy for 8 years: from the age of 18 till now. For that entire time we've talked every day and hung out all the time. The problem is he's Jewish and I'm not. His family is very strict and he himself wants a Jewish wife (not a convert) so I'm not going to argue with that. Well maybe I should now though haha. I don't have a crush on him but I do love him very much as a friend. We made out a few times about 7 years ago but decided it was a mistake. After being in relationships that just didn't work out I wonder why life is this unfair (in this regard. Besides this I have been very blessed and am very thankful). He's also been in failed relationships. Should I have a discussion with him and say that we should be together and perhaps he could reconsider religion being the main factor in who he marries? I mean we have talked every day for 8 years so I know him through and through and he obviously knows me incredibly well. He has all the qualities I'd want in a husband and that includes looks (which are the least important... but I'm just pointing out that yes I would be attracted to him).
Skump Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 I won't try to dissuade you from broaching the subject to him. Nevertheless, if he has romantic feelings for you, then it seems to me he's been fecklessness - and that concerns me. It's natural that he would be conflicted about the prospect of marrying you. That said, let's not ignore the obvious: he considers you fit human material for daily consumption, so what, exactly, would his metaphysical objection to a marriage be? If he's invited you into his heart, then he's presumably decided you're not some kind of spiritual pollution. If his objection is merely practical, i.e., he doesn't want to ruffle the feathers of his family/community, then either A) he's craven (this isn't Afghanistan for Pete's sake), or B) he doesn't actually care that much about you, anyway.
carhill Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 OP, what about the act of 'making out' seven years ago led you and he to agree it was a 'mistake'? Is it possible that the very bond you and he value has kept you from fully investing in and exploring relationships with others and has 'set up' the dynamic of failure? Are you prepared to lose this friendship?
Author chica_one2002 Posted January 27, 2010 Author Posted January 27, 2010 OP, what about the act of 'making out' seven years ago led you and he to agree it was a 'mistake'? Is it possible that the very bond you and he value has kept you from fully investing in and exploring relationships with others and has 'set up' the dynamic of failure? Are you prepared to lose this friendship? Well we didn't really have a discussion in which we decided it was a mistake - it was just clear that even though we'd made out we weren't taking our friendship to a relationship level. I wasn't hurt and neither was he by our few make out sessions. I know that at least on my side I haven't really been diving into the dating scene. I definitely have liked other guys though. But I don't make a gigantic effort to get out there and meet them. The guys I've liked have come along quite conveniently. No I'm not prepared to lose the friendship at all. Because I don't have a crush on him or feelings I am perfectly content to be just friends. At the same time though I do love him and we get along famously so why not look into things further? At least that's what I've been thinking lately. I hear married couples say "I married my best friend" so I believe it's a very good formula for success. Possibly.
carhill Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 IME, one has 'feelings'. I can kiss a woman and know if I feel friendship and non-sexual love or, alternatively, a desire to devour her with passion. You had a feeling (perhaps neither of those I described) when you made out which caused you to decide the friendship wasn't going to become a relationship. What was the feeling? This isn't a test How did you feel about the guys you met? Were none really attractive? Did you compare them to your friend, even just a little? Again, no right or wrong, just information. Do you understand that, if you pursue a romance at this point, there is a risk to the friendship? IOW, at that point many years ago after making out and deciding to be just friends, you set a path up for yourselves. By taking this friendship intimate, you're changing the path. If you do 'make out' and more, you will never return to the same path of friendship again. It will be forever changed. That isn't a bad thing. It's one potential. Are you ready to do that? Change? In joy there is pain; in success, failure. In life, death. Are you up for that? If so, let's get started. You have a certain best friend to attend to.
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