Barky Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 I have a friend who last year had a vasectomy. Everything's fine and he's gone back and done the 3 monthly tests and has been declared officially "sterile." He has no children and has never been married. He's 32 and usually dates women from 25-45 years old. He wonders at what point should he let his dates know that he will not be fathering any children, with them or anyone else. This is the type of man who usually sleeps with women within the first couple of dates. In fact I know that if it goes past 2-3 dates and no sex has taken place, he moves on to the next girl. He's not super attractive but he is charming and just relentlessly hits on tons of women so there's always one around the corner. He also does lots of internet dating. He wondered whether he should put his sterility on his profile or if that's just too much information too soon. I suggested that he should tell them after 2-3 months. After all, it's his private medical information and these days people don't have sex just to have kids. Plus, he uses condoms anyway so it's not like he's "tricking" them into thinking they're going to have kids; because even if he weren't sterile they're still using birth control. Ideas?
meerkat stew Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 Too much info on the profile, but if the woman states "wants children" on her profile, he should disclose it in a matter of fact way early in the contact process. Maybe the second email after she has replied, or in his reply to incoming emails. Some women check "wants children" even if they don't want any more to signify they aren't averse to dating a man with children from a previous marriage, so he would need to figure out what he's dealing with early.
carhill Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 In my profile I put that I wanted children but we were unable to have any. If I was confirmed sterile, either naturally or surgically, and didn't want children, I'd put that. Why would I, if the latter, want to date a woman who wanted children? We'd be incompatible. This presumes I'm looking for a LTR or to be married. If just casually dating for sex/companionship without LTR prospects, no need to disclose anything but relevant STD's, IMO.
Author Barky Posted January 27, 2010 Author Posted January 27, 2010 I don't think he's looking to get married, but most of the women he dates are. He's largely afraid that he should either disclose it early and then just deal with the fact that a high number of women his age will pass him over, or not disclose it at all until much later.
threebyfate Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 So your friend doesn't want children and isn't interested in marriage but doesn't want to disclose this information? Your friend needs lessons in dating ethics.
Author Barky Posted January 27, 2010 Author Posted January 27, 2010 What do you mean? How it is anyone else's business in the early parts of a relationship?
hoping2heal Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 Barky, we go on 3 or 4 dates. I start developing a close bond with you and become attatched. I get my hopes up, my heart may not be "in love" but it is opening up and letting you in. I then find out on date 5 or 6 that you can never have children. Now I have just been hurt and "lead on" in a senseless way. It's my feelings and emotions that will be harmed if I learn you cannot have children and I'm planning to have them- that's why it's my business to know that you cannot have them and so on and so forth.
carhill Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 What do you mean? How it is anyone else's business in the early parts of a relationship? IMO, the key is the verbiage 'relationship', which implies a trusting bond. Dating someone isn't a relationship, but can become one, if that is what the people involved want. As I see it, he has two choices: 'I've had a vasectomy' 'I'm not interested in having children' Such disclosures up front will alter his potentials with the group of women who otherwise find him attractive, but, alternatively, could bring him new potentials who value the information he's disclosed, find that attractive, and, like him, don't want children or are not interested in a long-term relationship at that particular time, meaning no desire for kids with him. IMO, in this day and age, he shouldn't have any problem finding a willing sexual partner.
Author Barky Posted January 27, 2010 Author Posted January 27, 2010 Insightful response carhill, I'll definitely copy and paste that to my bud. You may be right in this day and age you can do whatever you want and find women who are cool with it. Hoping2heal... we go on 3 or 4 dates. I start developing a close bond with you and become attatched. Keep in mind it's not me, it's my friend. And I'd suggest that in this day and age if you're getting attached within the first few dates, you're opening yourself to major hurt. Can't speak for my friend in this regard, but with me I might sleep with the girl on the first few dates but don't really "open my emotions" until a couple/few months down the line. Sex and love are two very different things in my book (again, I can't speak for my pal, whose actions we're discussing here.)
hoping2heal Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 Insightful response carhill, I'll definitely copy and paste that to my bud. You may be right in this day and age you can do whatever you want and find women who are cool with it. Hoping2heal... Keep in mind it's not me, it's my friend. And I'd suggest that in this day and age if you're getting attached within the first few dates, you're opening yourself to major hurt. Can't speak for my friend in this regard, but with me I might sleep with the girl on the first few dates but don't really "open my emotions" until a couple/few months down the line. Sex and love are two very different things in my book (again, I can't speak for my pal, whose actions we're discussing here.) Yes, that's why in your book it doesn't count, see? Cause it's about your friend and who your friend dates and those girls might open themselves up after the third or fourth date. Here's what I think, I think it's not about your friend, it's about you. Secondly, you already know ahead of time that it lowers your dating pool to tell women you are sterile so you are sitting here rationalizing away at not telling them before feelings grow and they get hurt.
Author Barky Posted January 27, 2010 Author Posted January 27, 2010 lol, well, you're right except for the fact that I'm not 32 and I've never had a vasectomy. But other than those minor facts we're the exact same person
Bejita463 Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 lol, well, you're right except for the fact that I'm not 32 and I've never had a vasectomy. But other than those minor facts we're the exact same person I don't tend to show interest in the sex lives, nor the genetalia of my male friends. Just sayin'.
TaraMaiden Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 I have a friend who last year had a vasectomy. Everything's fine and he's gone back and done the 3 monthly tests and has been declared officially "sterile." ..... He wonders at what point should he let his dates know that he will not be fathering any children, with them or anyone else. I would think the ideal time is when she tells him she's four weeks pregnant.....
DiscoChick Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 I would think the ideal time is when she tells him she's four weeks pregnant..... :lmao: Maury Povich would love that story. Well, my doctors are hesitant tell me I absolutely cannot have kids. The fact of the idea settled in a year ago. Three years of unprotected sex and not one pregnancy. I'm not amazed I didn't see it sooner. I want babies. One or two, but I wouldn't right off tell a guy I may be unable to have kids. If I start caring I would [my emotions are not so easy to emerge]. If he is bold enough to ask about my eating habits, I will tell him the problems behind that. "Is that all you're eating?" Annoying... He should tell when he becomes emotionally attached.
Itzo Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 I have a friend who last year had a vasectomy. Everything's fine and he's gone back and done the 3 monthly tests and has been declared officially "sterile." He has no children and has never been married. He's 32 and usually dates women from 25-45 years old. He wonders at what point should he let his dates know that he will not be fathering any children, with them or anyone else. This is the type of man who usually sleeps with women within the first couple of dates. In fact I know that if it goes past 2-3 dates and no sex has taken place, he moves on to the next girl. He's not super attractive but he is charming and just relentlessly hits on tons of women so there's always one around the corner. He also does lots of internet dating. He wondered whether he should put his sterility on his profile or if that's just too much information too soon. I suggested that he should tell them after 2-3 months. After all, it's his private medical information and these days people don't have sex just to have kids. Plus, he uses condoms anyway so it's not like he's "tricking" them into thinking they're going to have kids; because even if he weren't sterile they're still using birth control. Ideas? This is a tough one! Well, it depends of what this guy is looking for. He can't have kids, so choosing a woman who wants to have lots of kids it is not a good idea. If this is the case, he better tell her as soon as he figures this out. There are women who do not want to have kids. But if you mention in your online profile that he's a sterile, this will work against him. Even if women who are not interested in kids may not be interested, because of he shows low value. Sterility occurs in people's life, it is a normal process, after aging or for some other reasons. He should not be embarrassed, because of his sterility. If he allows to be bothered by this thought, he will not get good results in meeting women. They might sense this resistance in him which can work always against him.
Author Barky Posted January 27, 2010 Author Posted January 27, 2010 I would think the ideal time is when she tells him she's four weeks pregnant..... That would be funny, and I've heard stories where that did actually happen Actually an "oops" is one of the things he was trying to avoid with his vasectomy.
Awesome Username Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 I would think the ideal time is when she tells him she's four weeks pregnant..... LOL!!!! Honestly though, I would want to know upfront. It's not something that you should know while two people are into each other, and about to be exclusive. Both hearts could be broken if he waits too long to tell a woman who wants children.
Crazy Magnet Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 Survey says: Put it in the online profile that he doesn't want children. There's always a box for that. I don't think he needs to be blurting out his business on date one. I for one, would think he was slightly nuts. If he senses the relationship is heading into a more serious direction, then it's time to tell. The woman has the right to know if he's what she's looking for before she becomes too invested. I dated a sterile man once. He told me about a month into the relationship. It was difficult to take at that point for sure b/c I had been very clear that I was interested in having children. Luckily I'm all up for adoption, but he didn't seem to want that either. Yep, I wish he would have told me sooner.
Jersey Shortie Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 Too much info on the profile, but if the woman states "wants children" on her profile, he should disclose it in a matter of fact way early in the contact process. Maybe the second email after she has replied, or in his reply to incoming emails. Some women check "wants children" even if they don't want any more to signify they aren't averse to dating a man with children from a previous marriage, so he would need to figure out what he's dealing with early I actually agree with Meerkat. Most women on dating sites are probably looking for a long term partner. If he is picking women who say they want marriage and kids and doesn't disclose that he has no interest in either, he is leading them on and wasting their time from finding what they want.
Green Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 I think sterile and this mans situation are different. He has just made a decision to never have kids. He could tell a woman early on, but I don't think a woman should just assume a man wants to have kids and I don't think they have any right to uneeded medical information.
Eeyore79 Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 So your friend doesn't want children and isn't interested in marriage but doesn't want to disclose this information? Your friend needs lessons in dating ethics. Agreed 100%. I wouldn't be interested in dating a man who wasn't looking for an LTR and couldn't have kids, and I'd feel that he'd conned me into getting involved with him under false pretences. He should admit up-front that he isn't interested in an LTR and can't have kids, and let me decide whether to date him... to do anything else is deceitful, and being passed over by women is better than being a selfish w****r who uses them and breaks their hearts.
2sure Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 Not all women consider every date, or potential date , husband material. There are plenty of women who play the field just like him - whether sex is involved or not. So - the onus to share this information quickly is not necessarily on him. If a woman has Wants Children soon or a SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP on her dating profile...he should move on to another as clearly thats not what he wants. To disregard that info while withholding his own could be leading her on. At the same time, regarding dating profiles - his should reflect DOESNT WANT CHILDREN and looking for DATES, FUN, Whatever sounds good just not COMMITTED. Thats honest info, its right out there, no misunderstanding. If a woman at any point asks what he is looking for in a relationship or asks him if he wants children , then he can answer and/or disclose. If any relationship looks like it might become exclusive - only then is he obligated to bring this up if she does not.
bac Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 when he does dating which is not casual or when a girl says to him that she wants to have kids with him earlier in dating
Author Barky Posted January 27, 2010 Author Posted January 27, 2010 All right I talked with him and the reason he doesn't put "I don't want children" in his profile is because he's willing to date single moms and is afraid that they will think that such a statement would mean he doesn't want to be around her children either. He just doesn't want to get anyone pregnant, he doesn't mind dating a woman with her own kids. There isn't really a drop-down box on the site that says "I'm ok with your children but I don't want to have any children of my own."
OceanTropic Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 I think it's most appropriate to say so when the relationship gets serious. The best time would probably be when you two are talking about marriage or being together long term. She would have a family and kids in mind, so it's best to tell her at this time.
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