Author SadandConfusedWA Posted January 28, 2010 Author Posted January 28, 2010 BTW, I don't mean ask my boss to have an affair (I am not interested in being the other women at all, as contradictory as that sounds). I just want to know if my attraction to him was one-sided. Of course he can give me the polite BS answer, but I will ask him in person and put the pressure on until I find out the truth.
LondonS Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 BTW, I don't mean ask my boss to have an affair (I am not interested in being the other women at all, as contradictory as that sounds). I just want to know if my attraction to him was one-sided. Of course he can give me the polite BS answer, but I will ask him in person and put the pressure on until I find out the truth. I am in somewhat same situation...He has very politely refused to go out with me with professional reasons and bla bla...and I accepted with a smile..but he keeps looking at me, I mean, OK I still some what like him but I am no longer pursuing him...he stands opposite my desk and has a good look..unless I am imagining things but I caught him staring at me regularly...I look away each time and being totally professional with him in my communication.. ah these confusing men !!
Buttnutter100 Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 BTW, I don't mean ask my boss to have an affair (I am not interested in being the other women at all, as contradictory as that sounds). I just want to know if my attraction to him was one-sided. Of course he can give me the polite BS answer, but I will ask him in person and put the pressure on until I find out the truth. Your thought process sounds very confused. You are seeking validation from someone who can't possibly give it to you, and from someone whom you say you don't want it. (I.e. a married man.) He can't possibly give you the validation you seek because part of setting boundaries is for him to mentally deny any attraction to you. If he states that he finds you attractive that will be flirting and you claim you aren't interested in him because he is married. You can't have it both ways, do you see? That is the reason for the checklist. You have an internal issue and it is self-defeating. It has nothing to do with whether this particular guy does or does not like you or say he likes you. IOW you just want to torture yourself. If he says he does like you that will be torture because you know you can't have him. If he says he doesn't like you that will be torture because you want him to like you. Don't pick at this scab. Why do you want to put "pressure" on a potential object of your affection? Putting "pressure" on a person is not a way to maintain a good feeling with them. If you feel attraction to him, putting him under the gun/pressuring him is not a healthy way of expressing that attraction, whether or not you can actually have a relationship with him. So, your checklist says: "No married men." What that means is you put all thoughts of him as a potential romantic partner completely out of your mind. He does not fit your criteria for a relationship partner even if he is perfect in every other way. If your objective is to find someone to have a successful romantic relationship with, then you must devote your energy to pursuing available opportunities, not dead end self-defeating behavior. For all you know, your boss who is not available to you, may have 1) unattached relatives; 2) friends; 3) professional colleagues who might be very suitable for you. If you maintain a professional, detached, friendly but non romantic relationship with your boss, you keep access to him and his various contacts for romantic networking opportunities. Obviously staying on good terms may also be helpful for future career connections. Yet the latent physical attraction serves as a "connection" as long as it is not acted on in an inappropriate way. If on the other hand you "pressure" him and directly confront him as to why he would not want to become involved in an inappropriate relationship with you (which you claim to not even want), beyond an apparently innocent office flirtation, you then morph into a potential "bunny boiler," closing yourself off to potential future personal and professional relationship and networking opportunities via your friendly, professional, platonic relationship with your boss. I cannot stress enough that the ability to set appropriate boundaries which include understanding appropriate levels of emotional attachment that you have to adhere to under various circumstances is an essential part of personal growth and having a successful life, as well as successful personal and professional relationships. That is what you are striving for, or should be.
Author SadandConfusedWA Posted January 28, 2010 Author Posted January 28, 2010 Thanks Butnutter, that is an intelligent post. I have a feeling that you are another poster under a new username but never mind. Your advice is still solid and gives me something to think about. You are right that my boss will verbally deny any attraction even if he feels it because (if he does feel it) he has put a mental block on it. I am unlikely to find out from asking. I guess my main point in asking would be to know if I am able to read when people are attracted to me accuretely. I am terrified that I don't. I guess it is a type of insecurity that is driving me to ask. Otherwise, I doubt that he has any potential romantic partners for me as he acts quite jealous when I am even so much as talking to other single guys. I think this is because he enjoys the ego boost of my crush on him (but then again this is just my perception). BTW, I am 100% sure that I do not want an affair. I would even reject him if were to make a move. I am aware that this sounds very confusing but it is one thing that I am sure of. I guess what I would be hoping for is that one day if his marriage doesn't work out and he becomes single, I would have a shot at dating him. However, this is not something I would wait for and I am open to dating other guys. But yes, he could be VERY useful as a career contact even after I leave this job and asking him about the attraction would leave a bad taste in his mouth and he would probably be less inclined to help me.
vesper16 Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 I had a long term crush on my married boss. At the start, I was sure that he was attracted to me - I could sense it. Nothing was ever said or done to cross the line (by either of us) and now that my feelings are fading - I can see things more clearly. I think that in the past I have often read way too much into something he said or did. It is easy to do as he is generally more open and friendly than an average person. Now I am seeing that this is the way he acts with pretty much anyone. So many times I went home from work happy, yet my happiness was often based on my own skewed perception of reality. I also see lots of threads on LS along the lines "I was sure he/she is into me...then I confessed my feelings...and crashed and burned". I guess when you want something badly enough, you will see things that aren't really there. Top post and thread. I'd recommend the movie (500) Days of Summer, with Zooey Deschanel and Joseph Gordon-Levitt, to any LS-ers who've been in this position. Joseph's character, Tom, fell in love with Zooey's Summer and was convinced she was the 'one'. It's the archetypal boy-meets-girl story. See it! It'll change the way you perceive things.
lab_brat Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 I guess my main point in asking would be to know if I am able to read when people are attracted to me accuretely. I am terrified that I don't. I guess it is a type of insecurity that is driving me to ask. . I think this is the worst part - intellectually you just know when they're attracted to you. And finding out you're wrong about it throws you into this spin, and its so confusing, because all logical thought led you to believe somehting. And Disco Chick - ROFL- Your post reminded me of the 2001 Jedi census phenomenon (Aus, New Zealand, Canada & UK census religion reporting) - i think theres still a legion of Jediists out there
Author SadandConfusedWA Posted January 29, 2010 Author Posted January 29, 2010 I think this is the worst part - intellectually you just know when they're attracted to you. And finding out you're wrong about it throws you into this spin, and its so confusing, because all logical thought led you to believe somehting. Yeah, then I start to worry that all my other perceptions about EVERYTHING are perhaps incorrect too. It's not a pleasant feeling.
Barky Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 I don't see why you guys bother wondering about what others are thinking. There's no way to be sure. Hell, half the time the other people don't know what they're thinking themselves. When a girl I'm dating starts asking about what I think of her I let her know that she should be more concerned about what she thinks of me.
D-Jam Posted January 29, 2010 Posted January 29, 2010 Crushes: do we only see what we want to see? Yes It explains why many men and women go after people that outsiders see as horrible people.
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