SadandConfusedWA Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 (edited) I had a long term crush on my married boss. At the start, I was sure that he was attracted to me - I could sense it. Nothing was ever said or done to cross the line (by either of us) and now that my feelings are fading - I can see things more clearly. I think that in the past I have often read way too much into something he said or did. It is easy to do as he is generally more open and friendly than an average person. Now I am seeing that this is the way he acts with pretty much anyone. So many times I went home from work happy, yet my happiness was often based on my own skewed perception of reality. I also see lots of threads on LS along the lines "I was sure he/she is into me...then I confessed my feelings...and crashed and burned". I guess when you want something badly enough, you will see things that aren't really there. Edited January 27, 2010 by SadandConfusedWA
clueless24 Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 I find that over fantasizing is something we can easily do and for that reason, i tend to take the extra precautions and dismiss true intentions as "friendliness" or "my imagination" rather than pursuing them . I have seen people think more than what is presented and am too really afraid to make that mistake. I don't know what's real and what's a day dream anymore .
chica_one2002 Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 Truer words have never been spoken. Whenever I've had a crush on someone I've analyzed everything they've said and done to make it seem like they at least have a bit of an attraction or interest in me. No one likes to confront the fact that the very object of their affection/attraction truly just doesn't care very much.
amagordos Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 Same here. I always saw a possibility where there was none. I created fantasies in my head about the guy liking me but not being able to tell me, when in reality he could have cared less. It's true, a crush can blind a person and make them see things that aren't there. Any little thing he does or any little thing he says causes us to believe that he might likes us. Sometimes my friends would even tell me straight up that he wasn't into me, but I just couldn't see it. I was in denial because i was crushing hard on this guy.
Barky Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 I think after you get to a certain age you don't have nearly as many crushes as you used to. You realize that, eh, the person probably isn't all that great and I'm not going to waste time on him/her especially if nothing is happening. I used to have crushes a lot, usually on unavailable women. But these days I conserve my energy and only spend time and effort on women I have a chance with. I tend to look for the "bottom line" when it comes to relationships now. I've defined what I want from women (affection and sex) and how much effort I'm willing to put into getting it. I'm at a point in my life where I can recognize quite quickly what they're willing to give and what it would take from me to get it. And if it doesn't look like it's going to happen, or if it looks like I'd have to put more into it than what I want, then I drop it from my mind. No crushes, only results
Author SadandConfusedWA Posted January 27, 2010 Author Posted January 27, 2010 I am glad I am not alone in this! The worst is when the object of my affection ingores me and I convince myself that he is ignoring me because he is offended or hurt over something I said or did (thus he really cares ). In reality, he is ignoring me because he just doesn't give a f....
ella23 Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 I had a crush like that 2 years ago on a guy who was much older and was engaged. I used to try to find hidden meanings in everything he said. Thankfully got over that pretty quick.
DiscoChick Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 I haven't had crush that extreme since high school [best friend's brother]. Now, if a guy shows no interest in a few weeks, I give up and move on. Well, it's not like he knows I'm interested. People tell me I'm hard to read. I wish I was a jedi.
lab_brat Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 me too! I had this supervisor who always told me i was beautiful, used to come find me at lunch to hang out, gave me all my results early, we would spend hours over coffee just talking, working together, lots of prolonged unnecessary physical contact, and he was sooo sweet, i ask him out for a drink and pfft. nothing. still does all the same stuff, so i have to avoid him now... it blows. But yeah, i get how you can read into it and think it means more than it does and make yourself totally miserable.........
counterman Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 I think we see only what we want to see. I had this friend at school who would always be there for me and offer me support and hug me when she sees me. Needless to say, I did have a crush and, when she realised the effect she was having on me, she distanced herself. She just wanted to be a closer friend.
Crazy Magnet Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 I wish I was a jedi. Me too!!! I think people are completely tuning reality out when a crush comes along! It's part of the fun.
Ariadne Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 The worst is when the object of my affection ingores me and I convince myself that he is ignoring me because he is offended or hurt over something I said or did (thus he really cares ). In reality, he is ignoring me because he just doesn't give a f.... I don´t know.. Whenever I had crushes, it was "obvious" to me that they didn´t want anything to do. They made it quite clear in their body language, responses to emails, dialogue, etc. They´d either not respond to emails, respond late and give a hint that they were not interested, be curt, mention their gfs when talking and things like that. I think it´s rare for a guy not to like you at all, and you be confused. But then, there are some odd cases where guys seem to need you for some reason and keep you hanging on, but even in these cases they are still intersted in something (friendship, hang out, etc).
paddington bear Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 Well I think we do it for crushes as well as when we fall in love, the only difference is that with a crush you realise the person isn't interested and with something that's going somewhere you realise all those signs you noticed were indeed correct (and then the scales fall from your eyes somewhere later down the line and you realise that man you love and marry is actually only a normal human being with their faults just like you, you just ignored or couldn't see them at the beginning because you were so in luuuurve ). I'm worried that I'm going to delude myself again regarding a crush, because I've done exactly the same thing, read too much into things, created a whole imaginary scenario that does not bear any relation to reality. How to disengage from those feelings though, is another matter, particularly when you see the object of your affections on a regular basis. The only solution I've come up with is to crush the crush from the offset once I see what direction I'm heading in. then again, sometimes it's nice to have someone that makes your stomach do that little flip, that makes you apply that second coat of mascara, even if it's not going anywhere.
Author SadandConfusedWA Posted January 28, 2010 Author Posted January 28, 2010 (edited) Ariadne, I think that you are more straight forward than me, you confess your feelings straight away and then the guy is forced to reject you if he isn't interested. For me, I keep things bottled up and also in the case of my boss, confessing my feelings would be an absolute disaster, so it's easier to delude myself. Paddy (I like your nickname ), I laughed when you mentioned "the second coat of mascara" as that's exactly what I do when I have a crush! For me, how much I like a guy is directly related to how much time I spend applying the mascara. In normal situations, even when going on a date when I am not that into a guy - I take couple of minutes to apply mascara. Always just one coat and I don't even bother to look at lash separation. When I am REALLY into a guy, I take ages applying the first coat, making sure that each lash is separetly coated and then going over them again and again (sometimes for up to 4 coats!). It's such a minor thing, but so telling in my case.. Edited January 28, 2010 by SadandConfusedWA
PJKino Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 Ariadne, I think that you are more straight forward than me, you confess your feelings straight away and then the guy is forced to reject you if he isn't interested. For me, I keep things bottled up and also in the case of my boss, confessing my feelings would be an absolute disaster, so it's easier to delude myself. Paddy (I like your nickname ), I laughed when you mentioned "the second coat of mascara" as that's exactly what I do when I have a crush! For me, how much I like a guy is directly related to how much time I spend applying the mascara. In normal situations, even when going on a date when I am not that into a guy - I take couple of minutes to apply mascara. Always just one coat and I don't even bother to look at lash separation. When I am REALLY into a guy, I take ages applying the first coat, making sure that each lash is separetly coated and then going over them again and again (sometimes for up to 4 coats!). It's such a minor thing, but so telling in my case.. Why would you continue to go on a date with a guy and string him along that you dont really like? Free meals?
DiscoChick Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 Me too!!! We probably want Jedi powers for totally different reasons, but I'm glad someone knows what a Jedi is.
xpaperxcutx Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 The only extreme crush I'd had was back in 6th grade when the object of my affection decided to reject me straight out and ignored me for the rest of my school year... That was the one and only last time I ever try to indulge in crushes. They're so unrealistic.
skydiveaddict Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 We probably want Jedi powers for totally different reasons, but I'm glad someone knows what a Jedi is. Doesn't everyone know what a "Jedi" is?
DiscoChick Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 Doesn't everyone know what a "Jedi" is? You'd be pretty amazed. They know who Darth Vader is...don't know Star Wars or the word Jedi. They may know Luke, but that's it.
purplehouse Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 I had a massive crush on the man who i am now seeing. He was my supervisor/2ic at work and since the day i started there was a chemistry. I senesed it but was never sure...... days were up and down based on what/how he said something... The things is i thought i was obvious i liked him but he didn't have a clue until close to when we admitted it. Turns out he liked me the whole time and used to think about me a lot. We both recall moments of long eye contact and looks etc... We both think its funny and crazy at the same time. Anyway i guess you never really can tell can you? my case is probably not as common where it turns out that both parties are crushing on eachother. It's been interesting learning about who he really is though
Author SadandConfusedWA Posted January 28, 2010 Author Posted January 28, 2010 Why would you continue to go on a date with a guy and string him along that you dont really like? Free meals? No. I sometimes hope that the feelings will devolop.....
Buttnutter100 Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 Well Sad, Maybe the boss was attracted to you but drew the line because he was married and did not want to cheat. I think to avoid getting caught up in the circular thought pattern of crushes, it might help to think about what you want in a partner, i.e. specific traits, an actual checklist. If a person doesn't fill your checklist you don't get involved with them/don't start fantasizing about them.
Barky Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 No. I sometimes hope that the feelings will devolop..... something a man would never do
Author SadandConfusedWA Posted January 28, 2010 Author Posted January 28, 2010 Well Sad, Maybe the boss was attracted to you but drew the line because he was married and did not want to cheat. I think to avoid getting caught up in the circular thought pattern of crushes, it might help to think about what you want in a partner, i.e. specific traits, an actual checklist. If a person doesn't fill your checklist you don't get involved with them/don't start fantasizing about them. I actually plan to ask him once I decide to leave this job (probably within the next year). I think it would be good to get rejected out loud, for closure.
Author SadandConfusedWA Posted January 28, 2010 Author Posted January 28, 2010 As for the checklist, I never beleived in writing lists but now think it would be a good idea. I found a thread by another user (TBF) on writng up a list. My crush on the boss wasn't completly wasted as he helped me define what personality traits I find attractive in men.
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