That_girl Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 My ex (it actually feels weird saying that) broke up over a week ago and I am in absolute pain and anguish. I have never felt so awful in my entire life. The break-up was a long time coming....I could tell by his actions before it happened. And we would fight constantly so it was no surprise. I've made some horrible mistakes throughout this relationship that I regret, but he was a complete ******* the day it actually happened. He started an argument for the dumbest of reasons, just so that he could find an excuse to slam a door in my face and tell me to get the f*ck out once and for all. I have always apologized for my mistakes, and I have been desperately trying not to piss him off anymore. In the past few months I've felt that I had to keep things that bothered me inside just so that I wouldn't set off another bomb. I HATED feeling that....I don't want to have to worry that the person that supposedly loves me is going to kick me to the curb whenever I make a tiny mistake. (Every topic had become a sensitive one) I'm not saying that I'm the easiest person to deal with. The truth is I'm trying to overcome my own demons. I've always had jealousy/trust issues. But I trusted him. I trusted that he would never make me this awful. I don't know what to do. I can't eat, concentrate on work, or sleep. I don't want to go anywhere, do anything, or even talk to my family. I can't stand the thought of him with anyone else. And I also can't stand the thought that he is hurting because of me. I know he loved me at some point, and he said that he still does but that it's just too much. I know he's right on some level. But that doesn't stop me from wanting him back. Even after all of the horrible things he said to me on that awful night, and him telling me point blank that he wanted nothing to do with me, I still want to be in his arms. I feel so PATHETIC. I can't believe this is happening to me again. I thought he was the one. How do you let go of the love you have for someone when you know it's not reciprocated? I want to call him so badly but I know he'll either reject me again, or we'll get into another blaming match. The thing is he blames me for EVERYTHING. I feel like he put this enormous weight on my shoulders, and that I should feel bad for the past. Why do some people do that? Like when I look back at this, I think it is BOTH of our faults, not just his.
Pentel Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 im sorry for your loss, i know how you feel, so does most of the people on this site, our best advice is NC (No Contact) whatsoever, really, it hurts like hell, but it will help a lot, right now you can feel bad, you are mourning a loss, but don't let it drag too far, whenever you feel like calling him, call a friend instead, whenever you remember him start doing something, anything, jogging, dancing, singing, anything that will help you get him off your mind, i know it hurts so bad, i lived tru it, but all i gotta say is this: it won't be easy, but its worth it slowly you will start seeing that he wasn't "the one", because if he was the one this wouldn't have happened, so don't see it that way just hang in there, slowly but surely it will be easier, but no matter what, don't contact him, believe me, you don't want that, it will feel good for 5 seconds and then you will feel worse, whenever you need help you can post it here, we are here to help, we have all been tru nearly the same situation as you, some are still going tru it,
Howitzer Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 I would advocate being active. I can't stress this part strongly enough. Sorry for your loss. Over here, you can feel less alone in knowing that we are all going through what you are feeling right now.
Author That_girl Posted January 28, 2010 Author Posted January 28, 2010 Thank you for your support. I'm amazed that technology has taken us so far that we can reach out to others in times of need when we don't even know one another. Just to think about all of the people from different cultures and locations that come together on this community to support one another and share each other's thoughts and feelings is quite fascinating. I know that you're right. I just have to get over it because there is nothing I can do. It just sucks to know that the person that cares more always has to have the least power. It shouldn't be a power struggle but it is. I just wish he would come crawling back to me for once. I wish he would finally realize that I'm worth fighting for like I have always thought of him. I'm not some innocent, passive receptacle for pain and torment. I am a woman and I have made my own bed. Although I didn't "dump" him, or become cruel and insulting....I did a lot to screw this up as well. I think that a lot of the responses I have gotten from my friends are very typical responses that women get. "He's an *******, you can do better"... etc. But I don't think many people stop to think about we (women) are wrong too sometimes, even when we are told to get lost. I just want to apologize to him for my share of our demise. But I'm too afraid. I'm scared of being rejected yet again. And I'm also angry that he won't own up to his own mistakes. This really, really, sucks and I commend anyone who is moving on gracefully.
cdt76 Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 You can't apologize. You can't get the type of closure you need, even though it's the one thing you desperately need. I tried to get it but received only more lies and a realization that though I changed for the better because of this ordeal, she did not change at all and only became more entrenched in her own psychosis. You have to simply live everyday. Yes we are still in love with that person, more so the idea of that person. But it does not go away and we can not shut it off. We simply have to learn to live without them. The learning to live without them is very hard becuase to a point we've never done it before. We must teach ourselves each time and it becomes harder because we throw more of our hearts into love each time. You are not foolish or silly or even unstable. You are in love and you do not want to let it go. We are all learning to live without it. We dont' know how long it takes.
Ilovecake Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 (edited) He's blaming you because he's an egotistical coward. He can't admit that it's completely his decision to not be in a relationship with you. It makes him feel better if he can say it's your fault not his. None of this is your fault, if the guy is deserving of your love you won't ever have to feel like you have to bottle up your feelings or walk around on egg shells. You obviously knew for a while that the relationship was ending and you were scared. You though if you modified your behavior he would change his mind, but his mind was made up long before the actual breakup, that’s why he was being such a jerk. He was scared to do it himself so he pushed you away trying to make you do the dirty deed. You are free now, you no longer have to be a doormat, get your dignity back and please stop blaming yourself. I know it's hard to even imagine at this point but soon you'll find someone that will not make you feel bad and you're going to look back and think "what was I doing with this joker?". You are in love with the person you wanted him to be not the person he was. Edited January 28, 2010 by Ilovecake
Author That_girl Posted January 29, 2010 Author Posted January 29, 2010 Thank you for the replies. What you say is so true and it hurts to realize it. I do think I am in love with the idea of him, because truthfully I wasn't happy in this relationship either. I've wanted to break it off many times too but I never could because I love him. He tried to end it so many times- blaming me for things that were beyond my control, or things that shouldn't have really mattered as much as they did. I guess he was sick of all of the arguing too and was just looking for a way out. But I do think he was a coward. He never made any real kind of commitment to me, and everything was completely about him. He would have me whenever he wanted me, to his convenience. I never once pushed him to move in with me. He is thirty years old and still wants to live with his buddies like he did in college. I was fine with that, and whenever I would argue that I try to put in an effort (because it was ALWAYS me going to his place), he would talk about all of the money he had spent on me. That made me feel absolutely terrible, like he was measuring his effort in this relationship in terms of "money spent". Of course I became a complete psycho the night he broke up with me, but I wasn't thinking rationally. I freaked out. I don't understand how you can completely blame someone else for all of the problems in a relationship. At least be a man and accept some responsibility. I had felt tempted to cheat on him many times. Although I feel guilty for having had those thoughts....I probably had them for a reason. I wasn't getting what I needed out of this either. I guess I just have to keep remembering that. I think anyone that has been heartbroken would do well to think about all of the things THEY weren't getting out of the relationship rather than what they couldn't provide.
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