Im struggling, big time

[malc]

Hi,

 

Dont know if this should go in the long distance relationship thread or here, but this one is more appropriate, I think given the current circumstance.

 

My story is this, I am a 24 year old male from UK, I went travelling for 12 months around the world as a single traveller, and for all those months, I was the happiest I could be, exploring new beautiful locations, meeting heaps of different people and travelling with them for weeks/months across Australasia and South Pacific Islands, having fun and not a worry in the world and no responsibilities. The last 3 months of my travels, I went to Tonga with a fellow travel buddy and we met a German girl who was an exchange student in New Zealand at the time. Anyway, at the time, she seemed quite lonely in New Zealand as a student and I hit it off with her, being there for her and we entered a relationship and she made it clear she wanted me back. She kissed me when we got back to New Zealand, and I put my travel plans on hold to stay in the town she was studying and be there to comfort her loneliness, her practically begging me to stay, and I was smitten with her from day 1. She begged me to follow her plans after she finished studying, across New Zealand, back to Australia where I had previously spent 9 months without her, and she kept saying how much she really adored me, we slept together, kissed passionately, held hands, everything. I really thought she could be the 'one', I dont know what the 'one' is anymore. She was constantly talking about the future, and sometimes joked that we could have kids, marriage etc. Anyway, I had to leave first to go back to the UK, and she is now back in Germany, but practically, although she still phones me regularly, emails every day and sometimes texts me, she wants nothing more then friends, and assures me we cant go back to how it was and what she forgot to mention is that she is going to be on board a shipping vessel for 4 months so no contact there. However, she made it clear she dates men back in Germany, then when people become too emotionally attached to her, she disposes of them.

 

I feel like Ive been used and just thrown away, yet she is on my mind constantly, and contacts me frequently, and I want nothing more then to be with her, but from what she says, one of her best mates (guy mate) who she had a past thing with is now taking up her time in Germany.

 

How do I move on, im so emotionally messed up right now, and I miss her, even though I sense she does not miss me anymore, but still contacts me every 1-2 days.

[gaudi]

OK mate, this i really hurting and I can see why.The great time you were having travelling around the other side of the world was suddenly made a million times better when you hooked up with this girl.

 

You enjoyed all the time you spent with each other, and now unfortunately she no longer wants what it seemed that you would have.

 

Now when she's getting in touch with you, you need to ignore it. You're holding onto something you cannot have no more, it''s gonna keep hurting the longer you try and cling on to it by your fingertips.

 

Can you feel it slipping away ?? OK, then let it go.

 

I'm serious have no contact with her what so ever until you can look back at what you had and think WOW, that was great, I wonder what will happen to me next.

 

Believe me, when you get years down the line, you're gonna look back at the time you spent exploring all those new places, and you're gonna have such happy memories of it all.

 

What you need to do now is make sure that she remains one of those beautiful memories and nothing more. Then you will be able to look back and smile when you remember her, and all the times you spent together, without a hint of sadness.

 

I'm planning on 6 months in South East Aisa as of June 2010. Only hope I have a good a time as you did.

 

Good Luck mate.

[malc]

It just hurts how I have to finish a trip of a lifetime that was meant to wake me up and bring me back all positive about life and see whats out there on a real low, I did not expect to come back home feeling this low, and tarnishing those memories with this thought lingering in my mind every day, but she would not understand that, because she can move on so quickly after it. It just hurts that I was there for her during her depressed time in New Zealand and even rerouted back to Australia on her insistence, and now I have to bear all consequences. I have told her what I am going through as a result of this, and she claims to care, but I have this gut feeling deep down she has a lot more to keep herself preoccupied with to care back at home. I know not all women are the same, but I did live a similar experience once before in my life, and now it just makes me weary of a womans true intentions.

 

I have even thought of getting a cheap Ryanair ticket and going over to her hometown in Germany to resolve but she probably would not want to meet me and I would mess up the friendship once and for all, although her container ship will use one of the main UK ports on its shipping route, and she wants to meet me up again at the port.

 

Oh what to do, I wake up having dreamt of her or have imagined her sleeping next to me, its totally driving me insane and wanting what I cant have.

[McGrupp]

You're holding onto something you cannot have no more, it''s gonna keep hurting the longer you try and cling on to it by your fingertips.

 

Can you feel it slipping away ?? OK, then let it go.

 

good stuff there

[malc]

I know McGrupp, in hindsight it is, and thats what I want to do, so I can move forward with my life and I have aims for the next month, it just hurts that I feel so cheated and used and those days of comforting her loneliness and anxiety and spending that time with her back in Australia obviously did not matter to her as long as some mug like me came along to deal with her loneliness, I feel like a loser at this love game, im not a mean, insensitive or ruthless guy that cheats and play games, I was straight about my intentions from day one and now I have to go through the heartache while she moves on very quickly, and I do not know if she has a guy in Germany lined up, she says no obviously. I guess the last few months of knowing her were all a large stain in my life in vain, and something thats going to be hard to wash away, I was in love with her, infact I still am!

[McGrupp]

did she say she wanted a relationship?

 

i think you should just enjoy the good times. sounds like you both are going in different directions. i mean she will be on a boat for some months.

[ginyi1111]

hey malc, i understand how you feel. my ex broke up with me after he went back home to Europe after starting a relationship with me.

 

you feel utterly used and angry with yourself for letting it go that far and that you let yourself fall so deep into it. now they have moved on from you what else is left?

 

you still have yourself. she played you, manipulated you, and chucked you like a paper cup after being used. let go....she doesnt deserve your time and emotions anymore...

[malc]

Im a tool, thats what I am, if I had known of this, I would have just let her be miserable and lonely in Tonga/New Zealand and never have offered her my shoulder and support, I may have been an easy target and she probably saw me coming a mile off. I still miss, love and adore her and care so much about her, but she played me for a fool, and the worse thing is, now she is going to affect my life and I am always going to think deep down if a girl has an ulterior motive every time one tries to get close to me as I am scared of getting hurt and feeling like this. Again its morning, and she is in my head like she was sleeping next to me ;-((, I hate this feeling!!!

[ginyi1111]

I totally feel the same way! I took care of him when he was here, went on holidays with him, drove him to work and send him home everyday...i gave him my heart and when the whole time i was resisting talks of the future because I wanted to end it, I didnt wanna have a long distance r/ship he LIED to me and said he's ready for it and all he wants is just a future with me.

 

6 months later he decided he couldnt do it anymore, dumped me 2 days after he went home from visiting me for my birthday.

 

I have been totally ignored the day that i was dumped...at least she still talks to you and showed you that she cares. I was just another dumb Asian chick that fell for a white guy...

[malc]

Im sorry you feel that way Ginyi, its not a nice feeling, and at this moment, life just sucks for me, and im not sure if thats how your feeling as well, but as people keep saying to me, theres someone out there for everyone, I dont believe it yet, but most of the people around me seem to eventually find/and are with people who truly love them for what they are, it just seems to be me that gets caked every time by women and to be honest, I envy how all their relationships seem to work and mine dont, sometimes to an extent it just gets rubbed into my face.

 

For now, as hard as it is, I have to start picking myself up again, and get on with life and start to love life so woman start to like me for who I am, its easy to say, but hard to put into practice when you long so much for one person who crushes your heart and does not care.

 

I am a great believer in karma, and people often get the same treatment that they give out back, but this German girl I was with has not had a very good life, her mum walked out on her father after many years of marriage to the Dominican Republic and brought back a guy to Germany, her father found a new partner and now lives in Dubai working and living, she has had 4 relationships before, 2 of them she was left for other girls, and not sure how the other two ended, I think she left both and broke them as well when the emotional attachment got so close, so I dont know if I want her to be hit with karma, she is messed up from what I can see though, and I really thought I was getting through to her, until she decided to dish out the same treatment back to me. I hope she is successful in life, but I also hope she realises what she did to me, and that I did not deserve to be treated like this because I have always been loyal and caring to her from day one, obviously she took all but gave back nothing.

Edited January 27, 2010 by malc
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[ginyi1111]

At least you know you have someone else that is going through the same sh*t as you

 

I know how you are feeling about that karma thing. Somehow you want them to be sorta punished what they have done to you but since a huge part of you still loves her you cannot bear the thought of them being miserable or sad or unhappy. Maybe it will be easier to deal with your own emotions if you could persuade yourself that she really is happier without you. On my good days that's what I do. I tell myself that I wouldnt wanna force someone that I love to stay with me if they are not happy being with me.

 

Did she agree to you flying over to Germany to see her? My ex threatened to not even open the door if i fly all the way to France to see him.

[malc]

Thanks ginyi, appreciate your support on this. I feel like hell at the moment because the only thing I think of is being with her, and she emails me telling me she is enjoying life alot (obv with the male friend that is comforting her and they both had something going in the past as she keeps referencing in her emails that hes making her laugh and they are doing alot of things together) without any reference as to what im going through, assuming im doing grand things as well and that I moved on fast, when deep down, she does not have a clue as to how im feeling, and wouldnt want me to drop it all on her anyway. I cant take anymore of this, or her emails for the moment, I dont want to cut off links with her, but for the moment, this is really killing me, and she doesnt care.

[malc]

When I mentioned the Germany idea previously, she was dead NO against it, apparently its her little world and I cant gain access to it yet, so it was fine when she leaned on me, confided in me, poured her emotions and heart out on me, but she does not trust me on that level. Ah, I feel so used and manipulated, what a fool I am.

[ginyi1111]

Ah, I feel so used and manipulated, what a fool I am.

 

Yeah, tell me about it. I was only telling my friends yesterday how I feel so used and dirty, and totally disposable like a paper cup.

 

I suppose you got played on a major level. She used you to get over her loneliness when she was in NZ and the moment when things are fine and dandy, out the door you go. Did she even actually breakup with you? I find it hard to believe that the person that claimed to love you and tell you how much you mean to them doesnt even want you to fly over to see them! How can someone just turn into someone else overnight???

 

Tell me malc, what does it mean when you totally ignore the person post breakup? Not even a text!

[malc]

I was better then this, if I think back to last september before I had met her, I was having fun travelling, really loving and adoring life, it just seems like I fell for it, got reeled out like a fish out of the water, she decides after taking me out of the water that she does not like me, and does not put me back in, but leaves me on the side there to rot and die a slow, painful death, unless some environmental activist or good-doer puts

me back into the water again.

 

No, did not even say we are breaking up, was very well for going back to europe, her coming to me, i going to hers no mention that we are ending things, to think of the number of times she cried on my shoulder and I comforted and made her feel better, its all obviously forgotten now, how memories are very short, she could have pushed me away rather then make me go through all this, but no, she was lonely herself, why would she want to push away the guy thats a short term fix for supporting, being there, and truly caring for her.

 

I dont know how a person can change overnight ginyi, I tell you, this week I have been so so tempted so so close to get on that flight to Germany, ive been so far as onto the budget euro airline websites and have had my credit card details ready to enter into the screen and get a confirmation, im not sure whats held me back so far. I want to know why she has made me feel like this, why she did this to me, and closure I guess, but I dont think she will even give me that, as far as she is concerned, im some sucker who came along when she most needed it, and now its paper cup in the trash time.

 

Again she emails me like im getting through it totally fine without her and one comment I made about what I was doing the other day, she was glad that I have come to terms with it, come to terms with what?? Her walking out on me and disposing of me when she got cured of her problems, but does not think that here I am, miserable, with her on my mind constantly. I dont know, I cant take these kind of emails, I dont want to cut her off, I like her so much more then that and know shes been through a lot, but she needs to realise how much she really hurt me.

 

Sorry to write lengthy pieces, this is the only thing helping me get things off my chest, cant talk to anyone about how I feel, I tend to bottle things up, people think im still in a greatly formed relationship, I have not broken

the news to anyone yet as it would be yet another to add to my lengthy growing list of mess ups, and people around me are happy, I cant stand it.

I know you must be going through hell, not even a text, at least I still have contact even though she is avoiding the issue of 'us' now. I do feel for you, I had a negative feeling of girls after this latest one, and I see you going through it, so both species are just as bad as each other if you ask me, but why is it, ginyi, that the nicest ones always have to be the ones to go through it, ive never hurt or cheated on any girl in my life, ive always been upfront and totally committed and caring, thats how I am and the way I was brought up to be, but the ones who cheat, are the bad boys etc always seem to get it better. How are you feeling at the moment, and how are you getting through it, also what stage are you at, have you accepted it for what it is and started to move on? As bad as it is ginyi, we have to move on because we are better then this and at this time in our life, we should love ourselves more, and although we dont want to trust the opposite sex again, we have to or we will end up lonely again.

[Natsumi]

This thread is heartbreaking. I am so sorry you have to go through this!

 

I just wanted to add, that it is very important for you to stop contacting her. So far her e-mails keep her alive in your head, and you are just feeding your misery.

 

However, it seems to me that she might not be entirely over you. There is no reason why she should contact you so often if she really does lead this wonderful full life in Germany. I was like that once, and I remember making stuff up to make myself more desirable to the person hung up on me. If she truly did not care, she would not be contacting you anymore! If she had a new guy in her life, she would not be contacting you anymore. And if she never wanted to see you anymore, she would not be misteriously travelling to the UK and trying to see you again!

 

By not contacting her anymore you can test her: if she does not contact you back, she clearly did not care in the first place and you are on your way to recovery. If she does contact you, asking why you stopped writing etc. it means she does care, she thinks about you.

 

I don't know whether this will help you at all, but I was like this with my boyfriend, and he hung in there, told me to stop it and after a few ups and downs we are together for five years now. I acted out of immaturity, it was fun to behave like that and only now I see and understand how I was hurting him. I regret doing it now, but if she is the way I was then, then there might be a chance for the two of you. As mentioned above though, the first thing to do is to cut contact. Whatever happens afterwards, you will be better off.

 

Good luck! And please don't write off all women.

[malc]

I know Natsumi, but it so difficult, also I showed a few people a pic of me and her a few weeks ago, where she had the most beautiful smile, and they keep asking me how we are and that we make a really cute couple, I had this comment today, and it just sent me into a whirlwind of emotions running through my head, and I was thinking, why not go to Germany and fight for her for the matter of 2 minutes in my head. The truth is, I would do anything for this girl because I dont think she is all bad and is not evil, just misguided but I need to make her want me, because I think I have alot of qualities that she greatly admired once upon a time ago.

 

Again, I get an email saying 'have you killed your feelings?' (feelings I have for her), what is she trying to achieve or get out of me by asking me that, and how do I respond. Of course I have not killed my feelings for her, im in love with her, but she does not want to know that for the moment or while and im not going to satisfy her now by saying no i have not. I am going to try your test though Natsumi, I will send her an email, and then go NC for a few days and see what it achieves.

 

I am not going to write off all woman, but I am sick of being treated like this again and again, do woman see muppet or sucker written on my forehead, make me pick up their horrible pieces, then when put together again, desert me.

[ginyi1111]

I was better then this, if I think back to last september before I had met her, I was having fun travelling, really loving and adoring life, it just seems like I fell for it, got reeled out like a fish out of the water, she decides after taking me out of the water that she does not like me, and does not put me back in, but leaves me on the side there to rot and die a slow, painful death, unless some environmental activist or good-doer puts

me back into the water again.

 

No, did not even say we are breaking up, was very well for going back to europe, her coming to me, i going to hers no mention that we are ending things, to think of the number of times she cried on my shoulder and I comforted and made her feel better, its all obviously forgotten now, how memories are very short, she could have pushed me away rather then make me go through all this, but no, she was lonely herself, why would she want to push away the guy thats a short term fix for supporting, being there, and truly caring for her.

 

I've been asking myself the same question Malc. I keep thinking why didnt my ex break up with me in person when he was visiting me instead of dumping me 2 days after he went home....2 days after a wonderful holiday, after he held me in his arms telling me he loved me....

 

Im wondering the reason why she didnt actually say the words that she was breaking with you was because it never was a relationship to her in the first place? Maybe in that pretty head of hers it was more of a companionship and a connection thing but not a commitment??

 

I dont know how a person can change overnight ginyi, I tell you, this week I have been so so tempted so so close to get on that flight to Germany, ive been so far as onto the budget euro airline websites and have had my credit card details ready to enter into the screen and get a confirmation, im not sure whats held me back so far. I want to know why she has made me feel like this, why she did this to me, and closure I guess, but I dont think she will even give me that, as far as she is concerned, im some sucker who came along when she most needed it, and now its paper cup in the trash time.

 

To be honest, there are 2 sides of argument to what you wanna do. Like you when i first got dumped i was going to book a flight to Europe to hunt him down and get the explanation or the closure that I wanted. I wanted him to breakup with me in person. I didnt care about the money (and it's a lot! since it's a long haul flight from SE Asia to Europe) all I wanted was him right in front of me telling it to my face instead of some lame ass video talk on Skype and getting away with guilt free. I wanted him to hold me in his arms for one last time, to at least have a goodbye kiss. I wanted to get to the bottom of it, feel the purest of pain so that at least I can move on with my life. But....I didnt.

 

Because I listened to my friends and my brain instead of my emotions. It's easy to succumb to what your heart is telling you to do when you are dealing with this raw emotions i.e. the crying, begging and pleading and for us, jumping into a plane to get where they are. The thing is malc if she wanted to tell you the reason why is she doing this, she would have told you the truth if she had the guts to. I read somewhere here on LS that dumpers always tell you the 2nd, 3rd, 4th or 5th reason why they are breaking up with you but not the number 1 reason. Because they so-called dont wanna hurt your feelings or be the bad guy. So it has been 2 months now and my emotions have calmed down a little and I am kinda glad I didnt take that flight because God knows what would have happened to me, being dumped all over again and alone in a foreign country. Probably jumped off a cliff....

 

On the other hand, since Germany is so near to where you are. Personally if I were you would go see her. Whether she wants it or not. Because it's just something you have to do. Show her how much you want her. Because if you dont do anything you would have lost her anyway...what do you have to lose?

 

I know you must be going through hell, not even a text, at least I still have contact even though she is avoiding the issue of 'us' now. I do feel for you, I had a negative feeling of girls after this latest one, and I see you going through it, so both species are just as bad as each other if you ask me, but why is it, ginyi, that the nicest ones always have to be the ones to go through it, ive never hurt or cheated on any girl in my life, ive always been upfront and totally committed and caring, thats how I am and the way I was brought up to be, but the ones who cheat, are the bad boys etc always seem to get it better. How are you feeling at the moment, and how are you getting through it, also what stage are you at, have you accepted it for what it is and started to move on? As bad as it is ginyi, we have to move on because we are better then this and at this time in our life, we should love ourselves more, and although we dont want to trust the opposite sex again, we have to or we will end up lonely again.

 

It has been 2 months now, not even a text or email from him. To make matters worse we work in the same company and I deal with his work mails but since I couldnt handle seeing his mails knowing he is alive and NOT replying my emails i changed to another dept that will not deal with his team.

 

Malc, I dont know if you had your heart broken before but this is my first time (at 27 it's kinda pathetic) but there is no getting through it. I still cry myself to sleep from time to time, my heart literally hurts when I think of him or hear his name. You just go on living, picking up the pieces one by one, slowly reformatting your brain and your life and your heart to be without this person in your life. And maybe, just maybe, you will meet another person that will make you happy again. God knows how long it will take me to reach there......

 

For now you have to make a decision. And I know you want to get her back in your life. Either you trash things out with her or go no contact so that your heart can heal.

[shivakrishna]

Straight up: your feelings about her are false, it's a powerful delusion that will pass in time. You sound like you think she's your soul mate, that's a popular delusion.....until the next one comes along.

 

Stop thinking about her, move on to other people and you'll be surprised how she'll fade in your mind.

 

Also, stop clinging to the "woe is me" emotion, nobody is going to be attracted to that sort of self-pity.

[Natsumi]

Again, I get an email saying 'have you killed your feelings?' (feelings I have for her), what is she trying to achieve or get out of me by asking me that, and how do I respond. Of course I have not killed my feelings for her, im in love with her, but she does not want to know that for the moment or while and im not going to satisfy her now by saying no i have not. I am going to try your test though Natsumi, I will send her an email, and then go NC for a few days and see what it achieves.

 

She asked you that, because she wants to provoke an emotional response in you. She wants you to be in love with her, and she wants to know that you are. Be honest with her, but at the same time I think it's best if you do what you said you would and stopped writing. It really seems to me that once you do that, she will try to contact you and you will see clearer that behind her monitor screen there is an insecure German girl, who likes feeling admired from afar.

 

I am not going to write off all woman, but I am sick of being treated like this again and again, do woman see muppet or sucker written on my forehead, make me pick up their horrible pieces, then when put together again, desert me.

 

They don't. Every woman is different and has her own insecurities. Before I found my boyfriend I thought all men were chauvinist pigs. There are a lot of decent women out there, you just need to assert yourself and not let yourself be treated like this.

[malc]

Ok, quick update, I was going to type one last email to her in response to her 'killed your feelings yet' response, then initiate a period of NC. I told her, that I am still in love with her, I will be there for her if/when she needs me, and its not easy to just kill feelings, and that she hurt me, but I have no choice, I am going to pick myself up and get on with things now. End of.

 

Interestingly, I would normally get a quick response after every email sent as has been in the past, and she bugs me with 2-3 emails daily, and I know she is not busy today because she tells me her plans all the time on a 15-24 hour period frequently, and no response from her at all after this email.

 

Any idea what this means, or what she is thinking?

Edited January 30, 2010 by malc
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[Natsumi]

She might be overwhelmed with you finally standing up for yourself. Just leave it and make sure you do not e-mail her again. If I am right and she feels something for you she will try to contact you or force you to contact her (by pretending there's some sort of emergency or something) in a couple of days.

 

If I am not it's best you start recovering from this, by trying not to think about her or this entire situation.

 

I think I should mention that me and my boyfriend are together only because he would not let go of me. Otherwise my behaviour and immaturity would have ended things long ago. This is why this situation reminds me of my relationship and somewhere at the back of my head I feel like there could be a future for you two. So please take my advice with a grain of salt!

 

Some poster earlier on said that once you have recovered you will be able to look at it with a smile on your face, as you had a beautiful experience in a beautiful country with a beautiful woman. Maybe that's the healthiest way to look at it.

 

I hope it works out well for you!

Edited January 30, 2010 by Natsumi

[malc]

Just thought I would update: 24 hours gone, NC between her or me after I sent her the email, this is not like her at all and she was very insistent about being friends but at least this will tell me what I need to know, if Im worth so much to her, and if the last few months of me being there during her bad times for her mean anything to her, she will realise this, if not, then it just proves to me that she was selfish all along and not worth the effort.

[ginyi1111]

I think I should mention that me and my boyfriend are together only because he would not let go of me. Otherwise my behaviour and immaturity would have ended things long ago.

 

Aaargh by saying this you are saying that your bf succeeded in getting you back because he didnt do NC!!

[malc]

Just like to add, I dont know if im reading too much into this, but never does she say 'bye bye' followed by my name in an email when signing off, and in this one, she did like she meant it, is that a sign that she is cutting off from me and wont be bothering me anymore??