Author squeaky Posted January 26, 2010 Author Posted January 26, 2010 CP = commitment phobe or phobic Oh haha, I was like, "...child pornographer?!?" Yeah, he very well could be. He has only been in one serious relationship before. They were together for 5 years, and she broke up with him out of the blue because she fell in love with someone else. That was two years ago. Deep down he's like a really emotional, romantic guy, and I know he's afraid of getting attached. Which is why I think he broke up with me in the first place. We dated for 3 months, everything really was kind of amazing. We had our first bump in the road (due to outside stuff - long story), and not long after that he made a comment saying, "sometimes I think we should just break up now before we fall in love with each other, that way we won't get hurt." A week later he told me he wasn't ready for a relationship. He also said at the time that he still had feelings for me, but that he was confused and he knew he couldn't handle everything just then. My theory is that he broke up with me, thinking we could just be friends and he wouldn't get more attached. But when you're still talking to someone day in and day out for 5 months, you might get even more attached than you were to begin with.
alphamale Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 But when you're still talking to someone day in and day out for 5 months, you might get even more attached than you were to begin with. why are you talking with him 5 months after he broke up with you?
BG1985 Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 Do you want to date a guy who is being this flaky?
Author squeaky Posted January 26, 2010 Author Posted January 26, 2010 Thanks for all of the advice, everyone. It's interesting getting input from people who know him really well, people who know me very well, and then strangers on an internet message board. It's all totally different, haha. I'll just have to follow my instincts.
Author squeaky Posted January 26, 2010 Author Posted January 26, 2010 why are you talking with him 5 months after he broke up with you? A few reasons. I won't bother explaining them, but you can infer what you want.
alphamale Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 A few reasons. I won't bother explaining them, but you can infer what you want. yes, you want to get back with him right? unfortunately he's playing you like a fiddle
Author squeaky Posted January 26, 2010 Author Posted January 26, 2010 yes, you want to get back with him right? unfortunately he's playing you like a fiddle Ok then. Thanks for the advice!
BG1985 Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 Squeaky, are you closing yourself off to other guys as well? Since you're not in a relationship with this guy, you should live as though you're single and accept dates if they are asked of you.
carhill Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 "sometimes I think we should just break up now before we fall in love with each other, that way we won't get hurt." Just so you know, an emotionally healthy man doesn't talk like that. Also, I find it odd that a 'deeply emotional, romantic' guy who's having sex with you wouldn't be in love with you and, further, talk about like it's something that you and he might 'do' in the future, or not. I'm sure he's very persuasive in person. I've loved his female counterpart. Toxic. End it while you're young. Trust me
Author squeaky Posted January 26, 2010 Author Posted January 26, 2010 Just so you know, an emotionally healthy man doesn't talk like that. Well, I'll say. I think things would have been quite different had he been emotionally stable at that point. As I said, some unpleasant outside forces came into play, and that made things difficult for both of us. Also, I find it odd that a 'deeply emotional, romantic' guy who's having sex with you wouldn't be in love with you and, further, talk about like it's something that you and he might 'do' in the future, or not. I'm sure he's very persuasive in person. I've loved his female counterpart. Toxic. End it while you're young. Trust me Wait, what? We were only together for 3 moths, that certainly wasn't enough time for me to fall in love, and I know it wasn't enough time for him either. Just because someone is emotional or romantic doesn't mean that they take love lightly. I would say that I'm emotional and romantic, but it takes me a long time to fall in love. Also, in my book, you don't need to be in love in order to have sex. I'm not sure what you're saying.
BG1985 Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 If you were never in love with this guy, then why are you making such a big deal about it? Y'all are sleeping together? In this case, I think this guy is trying to use you for FWB.
carhill Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 OK, give me a round figure. How much time and sex do you need to fall in love? A year? Two years? What's been your experience? I'm asking because you and he have been 'apart' more than together at this point. This is where I'm not seeing words and actions matching up. He's talking a good talk but his actions aren't matching. Do you think he's been celibate for five months? Even for someone who, like my stbx calls it, sport f*cks, meaning has sex without any emotional involvement, what is the process that allows him to do that yet talk to you nearly every day, using 'emotional' and romantic phrases, and how does that process affect the health of a potential relationship? As one wise LS'er (not me) said, 'A healthy relationship shouldn't be a lot of work'. If you have to 'figure him out' and spend your time talking with us or people IRL, you're working. What's he doing? Think about that.
GAchasen Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 Ok then. Thanks for the advice! Squeaky, You asked for the advice. Don't make excuses for him. He either wants to be in a relationship or he doens't. He can't have his cake and eat it too...(Unless you let him;) Like I said, he sounds very unstable...emotionally and mentally. I think you already know what you are going to do. I think you are going to allow him to keep playing witih your emotions.
Author squeaky Posted January 26, 2010 Author Posted January 26, 2010 OK, give me a round figure. How much time and sex do you need to fall in love? A year? Two years? What's been your experience? I'm asking because you and he have been 'apart' more than together at this point. This is where I'm not seeing words and actions matching up. He's talking a good talk but his actions aren't matching. Do you think he's been celibate for five months? Even for someone who, like my stbx calls it, sport f*cks, meaning has sex without any emotional involvement, what is the process that allows him to do that yet talk to you nearly every day, using 'emotional' and romantic phrases, and how does that process affect the health of a potential relationship? As one wise LS'er (not me) said, 'A healthy relationship shouldn't be a lot of work'. If you have to 'figure him out' and spend your time talking with us or people IRL, you're working. What's he doing? Think about that. There isn't a time limit. I'm not a teenager, you know? And I'm not everyone else. I feel what I feel when I feel it. That's all i can really say. As far as the sex stuff goes, I do know that he has been celibate. He has had an ongoing medical issue that interferes with his sexual abilities. It's ok if you don't buy this, or you think I'm being naive (I only say that because people seem to be a bit cynical and presumptuous on these message boards), but I'm not going to really elaborate on this because it's very personal. Part of the reason why I have asked for advice is because of the way he's been acting lately. His behavior, and the fact that he has come to mutual friends for advice on this situation is what prompted me to take a second look at it. I do appreciate your input. It's an interesting take and I thank you for your time!
Author squeaky Posted January 26, 2010 Author Posted January 26, 2010 (edited) Squeaky, You asked for the advice. Don't make excuses for him. He either wants to be in a relationship or he doens't. He can't have his cake and eat it too...(Unless you let him;) Like I said, he sounds very unstable...emotionally and mentally. I think you already know what you are going to do. I think you are going to allow him to keep playing witih your emotions. I absolutely asked for advice. I'm not gonna argue with you guys. I wanted input, I got it, I will take it into account, and I'm thanking you kindly for it. I mean, it's an internet relationship forum full of strangers who may or may not have any valuable insight on this matter, so of course I'm not gonna take it super seriously. But I asked because I wanted some outside advice, I'm getting it, and it's cool. That's all I really gotta say Edited January 26, 2010 by squeaky
GAchasen Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 I absolutely asked for advice. I'm not gonna argue with you guys. I wanted input, I got it, I will take it into account, and I'm thanking you kindly for it. I mean, it's an internet relationship forum full of strangers who may or may not have any valuable insight on this matter, so of course I'm not gonna take it super seriously. But I asked because I wanted some outside advice, I'm getting it, and it's cool. That's all I really gotta say I'm not arguing with you. I hope things work out. Don't discount this forum. Many people on here have educational backgrounds to back up their knowledge of social interactions/relationships. We don't know the whole story...Good luck:)
carhill Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 How did things go with the new guy you were dating? Any insights into your ex'es behaviors from that interaction? More backstory My apologies for not reading it first. I think, if not done already, folks should read it before responding further.
Author squeaky Posted January 27, 2010 Author Posted January 27, 2010 How did things go with the new guy you were dating? Any insights into your ex'es behaviors from that interaction? More backstory My apologies for not reading it first. I think, if not done already, folks should read it before responding further. Thank you, carhill. It's hard for me to put myself out there with some of that stuff. I just know it's complicated and not everyone can relate, so I didn't include it in this post. I started dating the other guy in November. I did like him, but ultimately things didn't work out for a lot of reasons. It wasn't just one thing. That night that my ex told me he no longer had feelings for me was when I told him I was dating someone new. He seemed really happy for me that night, but then after that we never mentioned the new guy again. I tried mentioning him a few times (not to be mean, just I don't know, I thought he wouldn't mind), but my ex was uncomfortable talking about it. I ended things with the new guy after New Years. Right after that was when my ex asked about the other guy or if I was dating anyone else. It was the first time we'd spoken about him since November. That was also when my ex told me he wasn't dating anyone else.
carhill Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 OK, with all that under our belts, where are you in your process? Your past issues have relevance here as well. During the time spent with the most recent dating prospect, did you see changes? Your OP is the perfect example of where knowing (or reading) the backstory can be really helpful. Are you receiving any sort of counseling now? If yes, how's that going?
Lizzie60 Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 I have not read the whole thread... My thoughts: go with your gut feelings... He may have broken with you.. then you both remain friends.. and you probably grew on him.. he say other things in you that he likes... He could be ready now... just ask him ... If the fact that you're getting closer frightens him.. then move on.. he's not worth your time.. but if he's ready now.. he might be waiting for a sign from you... the best way to know is to 'test drive' him..
Author squeaky Posted January 27, 2010 Author Posted January 27, 2010 OK, with all that under our belts, where are you in your process? Your past issues have relevance here as well. During the time spent with the most recent dating prospect, did you see changes? Your OP is the perfect example of where knowing (or reading) the backstory can be really helpful. Are you receiving any sort of counseling now? If yes, how's that going? I've dealt with a lot of my own issues over the past 5 months, and I feel that I'm in a much better place. The fact that I was able to put myself out there to date other people is a big step up from where I was before I met my ex. Yes, part of the reason why things didn't work with the new guy was because ultimately he wasn't very understanding of my past, and he wasn't emotionally open. Dating him (and going on dates with a few other guys) also made me realize how kind and patient and supportive my ex always was to me when we were dating. I've also realized that my ex and I have a really special connection (even moreso than I thought). Even though he broke up with me, he has remained completely loyal, devoted, and supportive of me (even just as a friend, he's been there more than anyone I've ever met, and he really understands me and accepts me). I have a lot more insight into why things didn't work for us, and I am ready to try again and I'm not afraid. I'm ready to try this. I do think he has feelings for me, but I don't think he's quite there yet. I'm just trying to figure out where to go from here.
carhill Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 (edited) Lizzie, the OP has suffered assault on her person in the past and believes it is affecting her ability to have healthy relationships, or did at the time this particular one ended. I originally was seeing the guy as a CP, but IMO, after revisiting the backstory, I see it now more as a rubber-band response. Both parties share responsibility for the current dynamic. I've been in his circumstance with a couple of women and see some parallels, picking up on the signals from the lady and keeping at a distance, as our styles of emotional intimacy were too disparate at the time. The words could be a function of feelings, but since the OP shared neither is saying they are or were 'in love', it's hard to know what those feelings actually are. OP, can you imagine yourself being 'in love' with someone? How that would go for you? I'll assume, since your assault, that hasn't happened for you. Have you found any alternatives to continue counseling? TBH, with the reality that your ex suffered childhood abuse, along with your assault experience, I'm not real confident of a positive outcome. Each situation is different; mine have all (I can think of three such circumstances with clarity) turned out painful and unsuccessful, even with the best of intentions and love. Hope it works out for you I have a lot more insight into why things didn't work for us, and I am ready to try again and I'm not afraid. I'm ready to try this Have you put your insight into words on the page? If not, try that. Reflect upon it. If the reflection returns positive, when he contacts you next, request a meeting. Then, let your actions reflect your insight and accept the results. If there is a connection, it will remain and his actions will show you his perspective. IMO, this is where actions are critical. Words can mask. Social skills, even unintentionally, can deceive. You both have histories of dealing with trauma, of which such coping mechanisms are a part. Someone, preferably both of you, is going to have to be vulnerable and open. Without that, IMO, it will be better to part company without prejudice. Mark it off to bad timing or incompatibility but let it go. Edited January 27, 2010 by carhill
Author squeaky Posted January 27, 2010 Author Posted January 27, 2010 Lizzie, the OP has suffered assault on her person in the past and believes it is affecting her ability to have healthy relationships, or did at the time this particular one ended. I originally was seeing the guy as a CP, but IMO, after revisiting the backstory, I see it now more as a rubber-band response. Both parties share responsibility for the current dynamic. I've been in his circumstance with a couple of women and see some parallels, picking up on the signals from the lady and keeping at a distance, as our styles of emotional intimacy were too disparate at the time. The words could be a function of feelings, but since the OP shared neither is saying they are or were 'in love', it's hard to know what those feelings actually are. OP, can you imagine yourself being 'in love' with someone? How that would go for you? I'll assume, since your assault, that hasn't happened for you. Have you found any alternatives to continue counseling? TBH, with the reality that your ex suffered childhood abuse, along with your assault experience, I'm not real confident of a positive outcome. Each situation is different; mine have all (I can think of three such circumstances with clarity) turned out painful and unsuccessful, even with the best of intentions and love. Hope it works out for you I think the reason why our relationship failed was a rubber band effect for sure. But his reason for not being ready had more to do with his previous heartbreak in a relationship than the abuse in his past. And for me, my fear did have a lot to do with the assault, but even before I was assaulted I was always very selective when it came to serious relationships. We've both been working through our separate issues. When he recently started talking about understanding how important relationships are in life, I was inclined to believe that he is starting to let go of some of his fears. We have also had some conversations about his ex, and how he is feeling more peace and closure with what happened in that relationship. We are so compatible on so many levels that I do have hope that things will work. Although we both have our issues and flaws, we are both strong people and we have been able to maintain a dynamic where we offer each other support, as opposed to sucking each other dry emotionally. It's true that I've never had stronger feelings for anyone. In most relationships, I find myself in the role of the caregiver and the listener, and I do not open up completely. I feel like my ex and I are on a very even playing field in terms of our needs for independence, emotional support, and understanding. I am hoping that we can continue to build a foundation for a solid relationship in the long run.
carhill Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 Well, you're about due to hear from him. Are you ready to meet and lay all this out?
Author squeaky Posted January 27, 2010 Author Posted January 27, 2010 Well, you're about due to hear from him. Are you ready to meet and lay all this out? No. His uncle died last week, so all of this is going on the back burner for the time being anyway. I'm not too keen to rush things either, it's just that I've been sensing a change in the dynamic recently. I'm gonna go at my own pace and trust my intuition. I really just wanted some advice from outsiders. Thanks for listening.
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