squeaky Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 My ex broke up with me 5 months ago, saying that he wasn't ready for a relationship. I read this forum enough to be wary of that statement, so I figured he just wasn't into me. It was shocking, though, because it really seemed like we were falling in love. In the back of my mind, I thought maybe this had to do with him being hurt very badly in the past, and maybe he was afraid of getting attached to someone again. He made it clear that he would do anything to keep me in his life. Again, I took that with a grain of salt. So now it's 5 months later, and we've talked everyday since the breakup. Sometimes 3 times a day. He is always the one to initiate contact. He calls me to tell me about his day and ask me about mine. We also email a few times a day, and we hang out every Sunday. I have tried not to have any illusions that he has feelings for me. One day in November he got very emotional (totally out of the blue) and told me he didn't have any romantic feelings for me. It was weird and unsolicited, but I just took that as concrete evidence that he didn't want to be with me. I've been very careful to keep things platonic. Even if I can't have him as my boyfriend, I want him in my life. This past month I have sensed something different about him. He has started to show more signs that he has feelings for me. I'm not sure what to do. I'm not sure what he's doing. I'm afraid to show him more affection, because I don't want to push him away. Or what if I'm wrong and he doesn't have feelings for me and I end up screwing up our friendship? I'm also afraid that if I don't show him more affection, he will think I'm not interested. At this point, just based on some of the things he's said to me, he makes me feel like he is afraid that his feelings won't be reciprocated. How should I handle this? What is he doing? This whole situation has been weird, but he is a loyal, kind, awesome person, and I'd like to work things out with him.
Art_Critic Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 Squeaky. You are the back burner girl.. Don't settle for a guy that treats you this way.. He broke up with you. he told you he has no feelings for you but he continues contact. That means you are around right now because he just hasn't found the one is is actually actively looking for. Don't get further involved with a man who tells you he has no feelings for you.. you will be setting yourself up for a FWB deal and getting your heart broken. At this point Dump him as a potential....
Author squeaky Posted January 26, 2010 Author Posted January 26, 2010 (edited) I have to disagree, art critic. I am close friends with his roommate, and he recently contacted me to talk about my ex. He wanted to know what the story was with us, because my ex constantly talks about me, and he knows how often we are in contact. The roommate said that my ex has not even attempted to date anyone else (he doesn't go to bars because he doesn't drink, and he is working on a novel, so he spends a lot of his free time writing). The roommate wanted to know if we had started dating again, and if not, is it because I'm no longer interested? At the time, I didn't want to make things more convoluted, so I basically said, "no comment." This guy has walked 3 miles in the rain just to bring me the tea I like from the shop near his house when I had a cold. He also left work early one day and took two buses to come to my house and escort me to the vet when my cat was sick, just because he knew I was scared. Whatever the case may be, I'm not a "back burner girl." But I do appreciate your opinion. Edited January 26, 2010 by squeaky
Art_Critic Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 I have to disagree, art critic. Whatever the case may be, I'm not a "back burner girl." But I do appreciate your opinion. Okay Squeaky... What are you then ? You say that you only SENSE that he now has feelings for you but earlier he told you that he didn't.. What changed ? You do realize that a guy only keeps a girl around after he breakups up with her as his back burner girl ?.. I've done it myself, which is why I think that is what he is doing to you.. JMO.. Good Luck...
Art_Critic Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 This guy has walked 3 miles in the rain just to bring me the tea I like from the shop near his house when I had a cold. I would do that for a friend.. and for a girl that I wanted to keep on the back burner. Why not just ask him where you stand ?.. Ask him if his feelings for you have changed and go from there..
BG1985 Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 If he wants to be with you, he'll be with you. He knows how you feel about him. Just because his roommate is close to him, it doesn't mean his roommate knows everything that's going on. When my ex and I were in some kind of limbo of dating/not dating, her roommate could have sworn we were actually back together. I wouldn't work too hard to keep this guy if I were you. In most cases, when it's over it's over.
boogieboy Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 You dont have a real friendship since you hope to get back together with him. Your "friendship" will be ruined in the end anyway. If by "friendship" you mean your chances to reconcile, then thats more accurate. So having said that, let him chase you. But since you have been talking everyday for the past 5 months, you never gave him a chance to miss you. So he's not sure if he wants you. The only way to make him sure is t5o either discuss it with him, or back off.
Art_Critic Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 So having said that, let him chase you. But since you have been talking everyday for the past 5 months, you never gave him a chance to miss you. So he's not sure if he wants you. The only way to make him sure is t5o either discuss it with him, or back off. Word......
carhill Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 November he got very emotional (totally out of the blue) and told me he didn't have any romantic feelings for me. How supportive has he been of your new romantic prospects? Since he says he has no romantic feelings for you and behaves as a friend, this should be a great time for him to show that friendship by encouraging you and supporting you. My ex broke up with me 5 months ago, saying that he wasn't ready for a relationship. Between the two quoted passages, my advice is to believe him. When a man (or woman) speaks such negative words, that's their truth.
Author squeaky Posted January 26, 2010 Author Posted January 26, 2010 Ok, so here are some of the things he's done in the last 3 weeks to make me feel that he still has feelings for me. Maybe I am wrong, I'm honestly just trying to be objective about all of this: - Asked me if I was dating anyone else (first time he's brought it up since the day in November when he said he didn't have feelings for me - I was dating someone then). When I said no, he said he wasn't dating anyone either - Told me I was the most important thing in his life. He said this for the first time 3 weeks ago, then said it again last night - Has been telling me I look pretty when he sees me - Calls me everyday and asks me about my day - Said that he recently realized how important relationship are in life - Constantly worries about upsetting me and says things like, "I hate that I hurt you in the past, I never want to hurt you." - I'll catch him looking at me and smiling, he also seems really happy when I compliment him or give him affection (just hugs and stuff) - He acts slightly jealous when I mention other guys - Asked me if I would read his novel when he finishes. He's never let anyone read any of it, and he's always been adamant that no one would ever read it until it's done. Last week he told me I would be the first person to read it, and he doesn't want anyone else to So I don't know. I feel like there's something going on. But maybe I'm wrong.
You'reasian Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 This past month I have sensed something different about him. He has started to show more signs that he has feelings for me. I'm not sure what to do. I'm not sure what he's doing. I'm afraid to show him more affection, because I don't want to push him away. Or what if I'm wrong and he doesn't have feelings for me and I end up screwing up our friendship? I'm also afraid that if I don't show him more affection, he will think I'm not interested. At this point, just based on some of the things he's said to me, he makes me feel like he is afraid that his feelings won't be reciprocated. How should I handle this? What is he doing? This whole situation has been weird, but he is a loyal, kind, awesome person, and I'd like to work things out with him. Spend a wonderful weekend with him - be reassuring. If showing more affection drives someone away, you are with the wrong person. Affection should bring a couple together.
BG1985 Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 Those are all good signs, but you have to let this guy chase you if you want it to work. Since he broke things off with you, the ball is in his court.
New Again Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 This guy sounds like a complete a-hole. You should just stop talking to/seeing him. For real. Move on.
Art_Critic Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 Is he dating anyone right now ? Is he looking ? Does he have an online dating profile ? Has he been going on dates with other girls in the last couple of months ?
O'Malley Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 (edited) I think he enjoys certain aspects about you -- your personality, your attraction to him -- while carefully avoiding any pesky notions of relationships. Which would be fine, if you were no longer viewing him as relationship potential and fully accepting of his comments that he isn't ready for one and that he's afraid of hurting you. Statements that shouldn't be taken lightly. Edited January 26, 2010 by O'Malley
carhill Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 Is this guy a CP? Those words (the OP's response to my post) sound eerily familiar.....
Author squeaky Posted January 26, 2010 Author Posted January 26, 2010 Is he dating anyone right now ? Is he looking ? Does he have an online dating profile ? Has he been going on dates with other girls in the last couple of months ? As far as I know (according to him and mutual friends), no to all of these things. And as I said: - Asked me if I was dating anyone else (first time he's brought it up since the day in November when he said he didn't have feelings for me - I was dating someone then). When I said no, he said he wasn't dating anyone either
Author squeaky Posted January 26, 2010 Author Posted January 26, 2010 Is this guy a CP? Those words (the OP's response to my post) sound eerily familiar..... What's a CP?
boogieboy Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 Ok, so here are some of the things he's done in the last 3 weeks to make me feel that he still has feelings for me. Maybe I am wrong, I'm honestly just trying to be objective about all of this: - Asked me if I was dating anyone else (first time he's brought it up since the day in November when he said he didn't have feelings for me - I was dating someone then). When I said no, he said he wasn't dating anyone either - Told me I was the most important thing in his life. He said this for the first time 3 weeks ago, then said it again last night - Has been telling me I look pretty when he sees me - Calls me everyday and asks me about my day - Said that he recently realized how important relationship are in life - Constantly worries about upsetting me and says things like, "I hate that I hurt you in the past, I never want to hurt you." - I'll catch him looking at me and smiling, he also seems really happy when I compliment him or give him affection (just hugs and stuff) - He acts slightly jealous when I mention other guys - Asked me if I would read his novel when he finishes. He's never let anyone read any of it, and he's always been adamant that no one would ever read it until it's done. Last week he told me I would be the first person to read it, and he doesn't want anyone else to So I don't know. I feel like there's something going on. But maybe I'm wrong. Just because he might not want to see you with anyone else, and keep you hanging on a string, doesnt mean he wants to be with you. Stop talking to him so much, and let him miss you.
Author squeaky Posted January 26, 2010 Author Posted January 26, 2010 Just because he might not want to see you with anyone else, and keep you hanging on a string, doesnt mean he wants to be with you. Stop talking to him so much, and let him miss you. He calls me everyday during his lunch break and then when he gets home at night. I almost never call him, it's just sort of the way things go. I should ignore/not return his calls? Sometimes when I feel like we're talking too much I will tell him I have a lot of work or I need to go to sleep early. Not to make him want me more, but because everyone needs a little space sometimes. Also, his uncle died last week, and we've been talking about it for a bit everyday when he calls. He's been having a hard time with it and I know he doesn't feel comfortable talking to his other friends about it. Should I still ignore his calls? That sounds mean and manipulative.
alphamale Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 How should I handle this? break off all contact with him and search for a new bf What is he doing? in a nutshell he's messing with your head and wasting your time
GAchasen Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 Ok, so here are some of the things he's done in the last 3 weeks to make me feel that he still has feelings for me. Maybe I am wrong, I'm honestly just trying to be objective about all of this: - Asked me if I was dating anyone else (first time he's brought it up since the day in November when he said he didn't have feelings for me - I was dating someone then). When I said no, he said he wasn't dating anyone either - Told me I was the most important thing in his life. He said this for the first time 3 weeks ago, then said it again last night - Has been telling me I look pretty when he sees me - Calls me everyday and asks me about my day - Said that he recently realized how important relationship are in life - Constantly worries about upsetting me and says things like, "I hate that I hurt you in the past, I never want to hurt you." - I'll catch him looking at me and smiling, he also seems really happy when I compliment him or give him affection (just hugs and stuff) - He acts slightly jealous when I mention other guys - Asked me if I would read his novel when he finishes. He's never let anyone read any of it, and he's always been adamant that no one would ever read it until it's done. Last week he told me I would be the first person to read it, and he doesn't want anyone else to So I don't know. I feel like there's something going on. But maybe I'm wrong. I have to agree with the others. I hate to say it...but I think he may be keeping you around for rainy day activities... It's not fair that he is doing this to you. You need to MOVE ON quick..... If you don't agree, then don't call or text him....Let him be the one to see if you still have feelings!!! Go about your life and don't let him make the choice. You make the choice, if you want to be with him....Taking into account all that he has DONE to you, he seems very unstable and unsure what he wants. You are more important.
alphamale Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 another classic example of why i tell everyone to never stay in contact with an ex
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