cdt76 Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 It seems that in the depths of depression there are walls all around me. They close in on occasion and compress the heart and soul of who I am and make me weak. Thoughts of the past come into my head and heartstrings are pulled so hard that my insides feel like they are about to come out of my mouth. No more tears though, that well has dried out but for the odd tidal wave of unchecked emotions that hits when the walls are at their closest. The anger has subsided a bit, though when thinking of returning to that office and seeing the betrayer again, it swells like the Cracken being released from his oceanic prison. It's the time alone that burns at my mind. No distraction or stimulus. The body lately has been very sick, never able to quite rid itself of the cold virus circulating through it. Draining me of desire, energy and will to fight and push against the walls and keep them at bay. Months have passed, the anniversary of our meeting has passed, so too have the holidays and I survived. Even the birthday passed, though that was hard to overcome considering my last one and the "look" I've waited all my life to see. Time does help, it puts feelings in check and makes them less intense and yet, like a scent, all of it can be brought back with a single thought, memory, familiar face, or even a similar car. Medication helps too. I sleep now and eat, though eating all this fast food has put on the weight I worked so hard at losing. I can't really exercise lately due to the cold sickness. I date and have sex but it is not the same. It is not the same as having that special feeling inside you for that one person who became your world. Yes, it is over now. Thoughts of moving on and having a future of my own with someone else now take over most days when the walls are pushed apart far enough that I breath deep and strong. I hope someday soon, I can push it all out of my memory and forget completely the tragedy that ruined me. It seems starting over has become what I am good at. Unfortunately, starting over is so utterly devastating that it almost rips me apart at the very seems of my being but with faith and inner strength I seem to survive. The walls today are very close. They bring with them pain and suffering and only sleep gives me pause. I will wake up tomorrow and it will be another new day. It will be a day of my will overcoming the walls of the world I live in.
on edge Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 i felt like I was listening to a Morrissey song while I was reading that post.
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