Lakeside_runner Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 So, me and my girlfriend have been dating for about three months now. Of course it seems really short and I understand that we don't know each other really well but so far we get along really well. For the last two weeks she has been asking me a lot when am I going to graduate (I'm in grad school for a Ph.D. in math, she's in law school). She also keeps mentioning that she doesn't know what she's going to do after she gradates, doesn't know exactly where she's going to live i.e. she's flexible about it. She keeps saying that she likes to plan ahead and like to know what she'll be doing next in her life regarding all its aspects. Do you guys think these are hints to start a serious conversation about our future together etc.?
carhill Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 Have you shared with her what your plans are after getting your PhD?
boogieboy Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 I hope your ready for her to bum off you since she has no idea where shes going to live while searching for a job.
Author Lakeside_runner Posted January 27, 2010 Author Posted January 27, 2010 Carhill: It's hard to say where I'm gonna end up because it all depends at which university am I going to find a position. boogieboy: it's not that. She's going to have to take the bar exam and it'd be useful for her to know where...
Zeegagge Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 I really like that you asked 'should I have a conversation with her' as opposed to saying is she leaving me or should I leave her or whats she feeling blah blah. Sounds like you already know what you need to do. Communication won't hurt.
carhill Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 Carhill: It's hard to say where I'm gonna end up because it all depends at which university am I going to find a position. I meant in general, regarding life. You want to secure a teaching position at a university, yes? What else? I'm hearing something from her that causes me to ask you these questions.
Ruby Slippers Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 Do you guys think these are hints to start a serious conversation about our future together etc.? Yes. She is trying to have a talk about the future without making it seem like she's initiating it. We women have been taught that's a big no-no to bring up The Future, as it often scares men off. Like most women, she wants to know if your future goals line up, and if you see a future with her, so she can figure out whether it's worth it to stick with you or not. That's smart of her. No sense wasting your time with a guy who's not in it for keeps if that's what the lady wants (and if we really like you, that's usually what we want). If you don't take the hints sooner or later, and initiate a conversation about your future together and post-graduation plans, she might get tired of dropping them and begin to lose interest in you.
meerkat stew Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 Only three months in? Way too fast for this kind of talk. Seriously, do yourself a favor and tell her to cool her jets on that topic for a good while longer, but in a nice way. "I'm really enjoying getting to know you and am happy with what we have" is a great stock answer when they start going there too early. You can even repeat it verbatim over and over if you change your expression some when you repeat it, then change the subject.
Author Lakeside_runner Posted January 27, 2010 Author Posted January 27, 2010 Thanks guys! All of this is really valuable.
alphamale Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 Do you guys think these are hints to start a serious conversation about our future together etc.? yes they are
start-fresh Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 Only three months in? Way too fast for this kind of talk. Seriously, do yourself a favor and tell her to cool her jets on that topic for a good while longer, but in a nice way. "I'm really enjoying getting to know you and am happy with what we have" is a great stock answer when they start going there too early. You can even repeat it verbatim over and over if you change your expression some when you repeat it, then change the subject. Normally I would say three months is too soon, but they're both in grad school and are going to be graduating soon. It's a unique situation in that they will more than likely be relocating. OP, I think it's a good sign she's dropping these hints. You know what you need to do. Carhill, I don't think she's talking marriage. Is that what you were implying?
carhill Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 Carhill, I don't think she's talking marriage. Is that what you were implying? I hope she wasn't, so, no; rather, I was trying to help him, on his own, see the importance of communication and how a woman communicates. Women like a man with a plan. They also like a man who can communicate his plan. She was gauging his response to her 'sharing' of her own plan (or the nebulous variety of it), hopefully as an impetus to him sharing some concrete goals which she would find compatible with her own unspoken goals. Or not
meerkat stew Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 Normally I would say three months is too soon, but they're both in grad school and are going to be graduating soon. I see your point somewhat, but they aren't graduating til late May-June unless they are on some unusual schedule. That's four+ months from now. She can start bringing this stuff up in April, that will be six months, and they can both certainly bring up job offers or opportunities that require distant relocation as they arise in the meantime. Still say way too soon.
New Again Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 I see your point somewhat, but they aren't graduating til late May-June unless they are on some unusual schedule. That's four+ months from now. She can start bringing this stuff up in April, that will be six months, and they can both certainly bring up job offers or opportunities that require distant relocation as they arise in the meantime. Still say way too soon. I completely agree that it's too soon. And if I remember correctly from another thread started by the OP, he's graduating soon, and she has another year or something like that? I'll have to look back and see what that was all about. OP IT IS WAY TOO SOON FOR HER TO BE THINKING ABOUT HAVING THIS CONVERSATION WITH YOU. I would be scared in this situation, to be honest.
OceanTropic Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 Maybe, maybe not. Ask her want she wants in her future, and see if she mentions marriage or kids.
Author Lakeside_runner Posted January 28, 2010 Author Posted January 28, 2010 Sooooo... there has been some development... This weekend I was in CA and gave a talk at a university. Folks seemed to like my presentation and my research and decided to make me a job offer. I talked to the DGS today (director of graduate studies) at our department and since schools all over the country (especially state universities like ours) are not doing so great these days he seemed more than happy with the perspective of me graduating this summer. I mean, he pretty much left me no alternative ()... Talked to my girlfriend today and told her what the situation is - she has all right to know about it. I told her how I feel about her and us and said that I'd like to continue what were having and see where things go. I'd be moving in August, she'll graduate in December. I just value honesty etc. She's going to visit her sister over this weekend anyway so we'll not see each other until Sunday/Monday. When asked if she needs space to figure things out she said no and that I should definitely call her as usually. I don't know why I'm sharing this here - she's just really important to me and I had a rough day in general... So... the whole TOO EARLY conversation about the future was kinda forced by nature anyways...
meerkat stew Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 Best wishes, hope things work out for you.
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