Could use some insight

[komplexvn]

this might be a little long lol, please bear with me.

 

so like 3 months ago this girl was hired where i work, and she blew my mind. beautiful, smart, funny, extremely kind, all the good stuff. the first day she worked, i was working and we hit it off great and became good friends. we work together lots and she never leaves my side when we are at work. basically the first thing she asked me was if i was seeing anyone, in which i replied no. she ended up telling me as well that she wasnt seeing anyone.

 

a month later or so, i asked her out for a drink and she said sure, but when it came down to going, i asked if she wanted to go to dinner instead and she said something along the lines of "i really like you but we work together and i dont want to screw work up". she asked if she hurt me and i said no, i dont want to mess work up either, but in reality i didnt give a crap, i had never felt this way about a girl. i also told her i dont want to ruin our friendship and dont want things to be akward either, which i dont. the next day we had a staff meeting and i figured even tho she said everything was fine, it would still be akward between us, but she ended up asking me to come to the gym after the meeting (she is a runner), and i said sure. after i left the gym i was going into town and she sent me a text (i didnt have her number, and she ended up getting mine off facebook), and we ended up talking alot over the phone when we werent working, and doing things like running, eating together, coffee, etc.

 

well about 2 weeks ago i noticed she didnt talk to me nearly as much outside work or hang out anymore (were still together like all day at work, she still doesnt leave my side). a couple days later i noticed she went from single to "in a relationship" on her facebook, so i asked her "whos the lucky guy" and she said no one, and that she just changes her status every once in a while. im thinking in my head this is bs and she just doesnt want to tell me shes seeing someone. it had been a little since we hung out so i asked if she wanted to go see a movie this week and she said sure (but her facial expression, etc, didnt seem like she really want to). well the day came and no word from her all week or whatever, so i figured she didnt want to go because she was seeing someone else, which she was still denying. anyways today i found out who she was seeing (they finally made it official) and i just dunno what to do anymore.

 

she knows i like her and everything, but ive never told her exactly how i feel and why i like her. we have SO MUCH in common, i mean shes just unbelievable. i just dont know what to do anymore, its driving me nuts lol. i feel like ive found my soulmate and its just crushing me knowing shes seeing someone else now. im not really jealous, or atleast i dont think, i just know shes dating a douchebag and dont really know how to approach this. i feel like ive found my soulmate lol.

 

this was probably very boring and all that, but any help at all would be very appreicated!

[Agoraphobianebula]

I don't know if there is anything you can do but to grin and bear it until she either breaks off with her boyfriend or she comes around.

 

she KNOWS how you feel about her, trust me on that one. First you already asked her out once, and secondly, your actions/deameanor has given it away that you like her more than friends. Women have a sixth sense about these things.

 

So she's equiped with all the information she needs to choose you, you just have to wait to see if she decides to or not. And you have to respect her wishes.

 

Maybe she doesn't like you in that way or maybe she really doesn't want to complicate a work relationship. Either way, it's her perrogative, you can't convince someone to like or date you.

[komplexvn]

yea that was what i thought i might have to do was just bear with it and such. i felt as if i shouldve just come out and told her exactly why i like her first, etc, and if that wouldve changed the outcome. when we are together at work or whereever, we make eachother happy. ive also had multiple ppl say that they thought we were dating since we acted so natural around eachother, and i had to regretfully tell them we were just friends.

 

i mean in the end i would really just like her to be happy, because we are really good friends. but at the same time ive never met a girl so perfect for me its incredible.

 

im so torn up lol.

[boogieboy]

yea that was what i thought i might have to do was just bear with it and such. i felt as if i shouldve just come out and told her exactly why i like her first, etc, and if that wouldve changed the outcome. when we are together at work or whereever, we make eachother happy. ive also had multiple ppl say that they thought we were dating since we acted so natural around eachother, and i had to regretfully tell them we were just friends.

 

i mean in the end i would really just like her to be happy, because we are really good friends. but at the same time ive never met a girl so perfect for me its incredible.

 

im so torn up lol.

 

1.) youre not friends, stop saying that. Youre infatuated with her. and she lied to your face. How many friends would you keep that lied to you like that???

 

2.) You didnt take her hint when she said "i really like you but we work together and i dont want to screw work up". What she actually meant was this : i will never be attracted to you, but I want to keep you around for attention. Alot of women do this when they know youre clueless.

 

3.) forget about her, she will never be attracted to you because she KNOWS you like her. There is never anything you could do to make her like you other than being a douchebag like the guy shes seeing.

 

 

What you need to do is read around this board more, so you can understand how to attract women and understand how to speak hint-anese. Women do not tell you that they are turning you down much of the time because they cant deal with the guilt, and some guys (like you) cant take a hint. They wont turn you down with direct words.

 

And for gods sake, if youre hanging out with a woman, she KNOWS you like her, you dont have to tell her. That makes you look insecure, which KILLS all attraction. You just have to show her. You also have to learn how to tell when a woman likes you and doesnt like you. Read around.

[wtvman]

k yoo how bout this one, i met a girl this summer n we had sex the second time we met n we kept on goin to bars n hookin up n it was great i was gettin to know her n i was guna askk her to be my gf after a few dates cuz she showed signs that she rly liked me but i guess she was impatient n she said cud we chill as friends cuz she dint wana do anything with me if we dint date n myself thinkin she actually wanted to be friends i said no problem, n it was then i realized how much i loved her wen she wasnt as close to me as she used to be. we told each other everything n like one day i told her i wanted to date her, wen we wer friends n she felt kinda iffy cuz she thot well u dint want me before why do u want me now n like she was scared to get attached to me for some reason n umm we dated then we stopped n we wer always a lil more than friends. i told her i hooked up with a girl one night n she got rly jealous n then started showin more emotion for me n she asked me out n we wer a couple for 2 weeks n she was happy but apparently unstable... she told me she had feelings for another guy n then 3 hours later she said she was a lesbian n i was like wtf wel try bein friends again, that didnt work out cuz she made out with a guy in front of my face at a party so i said u no wat thats bull**** im done talkin to u. but i missed her so much that i talked to her after like 3 days n shes like im begging u to come back to me n sayin shel do anything to have me back n that life sux without me n i bought that so we started seein each other again but she was also seein a girl at the same time cuz shes actually bisexual n i got too jealous n she eventually chose her over me cuz she said il never meet another girl, ur everything i want but not now n i said i dont wana see u or talk to u, once again. a week later i told her i had met a girl thats interested in me n she got rly jealous n said she didnt approve if it n now she wants to see me n take it slow but its like how much more can i handle she makes everything so confusing like just be straight up u no? like its only wen i distance myself from her that she rly misses me n shows interest but wen im around her she kinda doesnt look like she has as much interest as wen we first met but the things she tells me sometimes says otherwise but its just so confusin like is it worth my time to flow with this? i love the girl otherwise i woulda been long gone but she makes it difficult to understand wats goin on with her... i hope all this makes sense, some opinions on this wud b chill

[wtvman]

n ummm yea that girl she was seein left her soo i feel like plan b but she denied it

[Left in a Lurch]

Well she lied about seeing someone, blew off your plans to see a movie, and dropped you as a friend as soon as someone came along to replace the ego stroke of you.

 

Doesn't sound like a great match for you, or even a crappy friend. Sounds like a co-worker.

[sagetalk]

1.)

 

2.) You didnt take her hint when she said "i really like you but we work together and i dont want to screw work up". What she actually meant was this : i will never be attracted to you, but I want to keep you around for attention. Alot of women do this when they know youre clueless.

 

3.) forget about her, she will never be attracted to you because she KNOWS you like her. There is never anything you could do to make her like you other than being a douchebag like the guy shes seeing.

 

This is some great advise and shows just how ridiculously painful and weird dating really is.

[komplexvn]

This is some great advise and shows just how ridiculously painful and weird dating really is.

 

yea no kidding haha. thanks for all that replied, i would've replied earlier but i was at work all night (not with her).

 

you are right boogie, i am infatuated with her, and cant stop thinking about her. i obviously fcked up when i asked her out to dinner. all other relationships i have had have been girl initiated, i didnt really have to do much, so this was really my first time ive ever really had to ask a girl out. she was giving me so many signs so i did. she wouldnt leave my side, was always talking to me, touching me, telling me stuff that i probably shouldnt have known, she got my number, etc, all this threw me the wrong signs.

 

it does feel like she is toying with me since she doesnt really talk to me outside work anymore. like she does, and she will intiate conversation and then when i reply she wont say anything at all or will like the next day most likely because shes with her boyfriend and doesnt want him to see her talking to me, i dunno. apparently i got lots to learn haha.

 

instead of completely pushing her away, i was thinking about just not letting her tag around for every little thing i do at work. like she just doesnt want to not leave my side. whereever i go, she will come, ppl at work were getting confused thinking we were together when really we werent.

 

i might just be kicking a dead horse, i dunno.

[komplexvn]

Well she lied about seeing someone, blew off your plans to see a movie, and dropped you as a friend as soon as someone came along to replace the ego stroke of you.

 

Doesn't sound like a great match for you, or even a crappy friend. Sounds like a co-worker.

 

yea, i was questioning myself after i she basically lied right to me, but it doesnt seem to matter because i keep thinking about her.

 

i might just push her away and if she does break up with him she might come crawling back

[komplexvn]

another thing, a reason why i might have asked her out was that back at one point intime, there was this other girl i was blown away by. i ended up not asking her out despite all the signs she also gave me and i had regretted it ever since (not really today, im over it). i think i just didnt want to be regretting someone like this again, and i think that has some reason as to why i asked her out in the first place, instead of not, or waiting.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

You are jealous - which is about normal...

 

 

Most importantly, is that you work with her, and through work you will always have her within arm's reach (for the duration of the time period in which you both work there).

 

The classy move would be to sit idly by, in the wings, and wait for their relationship to evolve and dissolve.

 

There is a one in a large number chance that it won't dissolve while you're around, but play the odds and be a noble guy who is nearby if and when it does.

 

You do not want to make yourself look foolish, and ruin your chances forever.

 

 

Her different mood of late was very likely entirely tied to her now being in a new relationship. Some women are very (willing to let their minds believe so much in a new relationship that they shut-off other social avenues... and not wrongfully so, but just, more significantly than guys do in the same situations).

 

Indeed maybe her flip-flop on the issue hints that she might have opted to date you instead, had you asked in time, at the time.

 

Even if that is true, you would sully yourself and your chances a great deal by throwing yourself in front of her now, and not respecting her relationship.

 

"Slow and steady wins the race".

[komplexvn]

thanks so much for that, you have given me a little hope! haha.

 

you could be very right about her shutting out everything but her current relationship. her attitude has never changed for when we are at work, shes still the same person she was since day1, just seems to have changed outside of work (most likely because shes talking to him/or with him at the time). she likes sending me texts from work when im not working (we have a boring job) and seems to reply all day but doesnt after she leaves for the day, which also makes me suspect she just avoids me when shes with him.

 

i obviously must be a little jealous as well now that i think about it or i probably wouldnt be posting this here haha.

 

if we get into relationship talk (which we have before), is it wrong for me to ask how her new relationship is going? or will that just screw me over do you think?

[counterman]

I generally would keep work relationships just professional so it doesn't mix with my private life.

 

If she's seeing someone and you still feel for her, I suggest you do not ask about her relationship is going. Worst case scenario is that she tells you it's going really well, which might screw you over inside. Just pretend that you don't care and let her be. She did lie to you, so make conservation short and professional only. Give away nothing about yourself.

[komplexvn]

I generally would keep work relationships just professional so it doesn't mix with my private life.

 

If she's seeing someone and you still feel for her, I suggest you do not ask about her relationship is going. Worst case scenario is that she tells you it's going really well, which might screw you over inside. Just pretend that you don't care and let her be. She did lie to you, so make conservation short and professional only. Give away nothing about yourself.

 

if only there was something professional about my job! haha, but i am gonna give this a go on saturday when we work together next. hopefully i can stay strong and go through with it

 

i thought about that after i had posted, and getting told its going great would definately just make it so much worse for me, i should save myself the grief incase thats what she says.

 

the last time we worked i almost broke down and told her what i thought because she was asking me what guys like in a girl lol. god im a sap!

[boogieboy]

yea no kidding haha. thanks for all that replied, i would've replied earlier but i was at work all night (not with her).

 

you are right boogie, i am infatuated with her, and cant stop thinking about her. i obviously fcked up when i asked her out to dinner. all other relationships i have had have been girl initiated, i didnt really have to do much, so this was really my first time ive ever really had to ask a girl out. she was giving me so many signs so i did. she wouldnt leave my side, was always talking to me, touching me, telling me stuff that i probably shouldnt have known, she got my number, etc, all this threw me the wrong signs.

 

it does feel like she is toying with me since she doesnt really talk to me outside work anymore. .

 

Thats what sucks about some women who use their sexuality for their agenda. She might have been using you to test her options when her bf pissed her off.

 

You didnt know, and you were available, so you had to try when she was giving you the signs.

 

Heres how you could avoid this situation in the future:

 

When a woman flirts with you, make sure its genuine. She will be curious about you, ask questions about you as a person.

 

Immediately try to make plans with her. Only After work hours, and a coffee joint, so you can get to know each other.

 

By the end of that date, or the second date, you can move in for the kill.

 

By then, this woman from work would have backed off, and you would have blown her off. Dont get attached before the first kiss. That way you wont get infatuated with anyone who is using you for attention.

 

if you know this already, then you got caught slippin because you thought she was so special that you would forget what to do normally.

[shivakrishna]

I would quit it with the proto-stalking, the kooky drama queen, and the beating your head against the wall. Get a social life and find a realistic relationship.

[komplexvn]

so much good info here! im in a rush to get to work, i will reply tonight when i am home!

[komplexvn]

Thats what sucks about some women who use their sexuality for their agenda. She might have been using you to test her options when her bf pissed her off.

 

You didnt know, and you were available, so you had to try when she was giving you the signs.

 

Heres how you could avoid this situation in the future:

 

When a woman flirts with you, make sure its genuine. She will be curious about you, ask questions about you as a person.

 

Immediately try to make plans with her. Only After work hours, and a coffee joint, so you can get to know each other.

 

By the end of that date, or the second date, you can move in for the kill.

 

By then, this woman from work would have backed off, and you would have blown her off. Dont get attached before the first kiss. That way you wont get infatuated with anyone who is using you for attention.

 

if you know this already, then you got caught slippin because you thought she was so special that you would forget what to do normally.

 

 

you could be very right. she couldve been testing her options. she was giving me lots of signs, and i think asking her out for a drink was alright, but i think it went downhill after i changed it from drink to dinner. even after i sent the msg i was doubting myself.

 

i knew someone of what you were talkin about, but either way, i messed up and it cost me.

 

when i go to for saturday with her, i dont want to make it obvious im pushing her away, because my job consists of tons of little things throughout the day, its usually a 1 person job and usually 3 of us working so she just like tags along. if i just keep away from her shes gonna know somethings up, or is that a better idea, to just let her know by actions.

 

edit: i did start my push away today. she sent me a text when she was at work and i didnt reply and just deleted it. ill update after i work with her saturday, see how my pushing away goes

Edited January 28, 2010 by komplexvn

[Left in a Lurch]

yea, i was questioning myself after i she basically lied right to me, but it doesnt seem to matter because i keep thinking about her.

 

i might just push her away and if she does break up with him she might come crawling back

 

Well I bet you are not 'thinking of her', but you are thinking of this made up perfect person that deep down really wants you but looks exactly like her, in your mind.

 

Look at the situation objectively, she treated you like ****. Dwell on that and you will get over her a lot faster.

[komplexvn]

Well I bet you are not 'thinking of her', but you are thinking of this made up perfect person that deep down really wants you but looks exactly like her, in your mind.

 

Look at the situation objectively, she treated you like ****. Dwell on that and you will get over her a lot faster.

 

already have started getitng over her. posting was probably the best thing i couldve done. got me some advice outside my own thoughts.

 

work tomororw with her and im just not gonna give her any attention. see where this goes